... memories ...

In 2002, i decided to run for an open Portland City Council seat, basically because i was bored, lonely and sought a new direction within my life. i ran spending just under $500, in a field of 15 other candidates. The day that i filed, i received a phone call from Portland's GLBTQ newspaper, Just Out, asking if i had planned to run as an openly gay man. Actually, i hadn't thought of it, but figured with 15 other people running for the same position it wouldn't hurt and might give me an added edge for publicity. Just Out decided to do a story on me, which i was very proud of. You'll notice the photo from the story, SADDI is wearing a sign i had made for her. Every weekend, during the election season, we would walk for miles through the streets of Portland, with SADDI wearing the sign. She loved the long walks. She loved being with me. And SADDI loved all the attention she received (deservingly so) while i was basically ignored. i did poorly in the election, but i so cherish these memories of SADDI and i out trying to ensure that 'one voice CAN make a difference'.

... remembering my SADDI ...

about 6 months old playing in the yard ...

okay, she is posing for me and looking so adorable.

i fell in love with SADDI the second i saw he

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...r...e...a...l...i...t...y...

i honestly do not know how much longer i can hold on. i miss SADDI so much and i feel so alone in this life without her. Devon has his new friends and his artwork is really beginning to receive the acknowledgement it deserves. my friends don't seem to be around since SADDI was taken from me, 5 months ago tonight. This reality of mine is too overwhelming and i truly just want to be with SADDI, but i worry if i try to kill myself that i wont be allowed to be with SADDI. Maybe suicides, like in the movie 'What Dreams May Come', go to a different place after they die. It is difficult for me to be without SADDI in this world, the idea that after i die i still wont be with her would be hell. i miss SADDI so much. Even when friends were busy or distant, SADDI and i always had each other. The best times in my life are the days and years that it was only SADDI and i. Though i tried to leave the door open for others to join us, more times than not, we were used and abused. i regret leaving that door open, as it was so much better just the two of us. Without SADDI now, it is just me and i really cannot handle this much longer. It just hurts so much.

SADDI, you are the love of my life and i owe you so much. i have made a promise to honor and celebrate your life and our beautiful love story. i am trying baby girl, i am trying, but surviving without you is so difficult for me. No one understands, or seems to care, how much i struggle everyday without you. i am trying SADDI, i am trying, i do not want to fail you again. i love YOU. i miss YOU so much. i need YOU SADDI.