D E A T H

For as long as i can remember, i have been obsessed with death.

i was maybe around 9 years old and recall asking a magic 8 ball if i would live past 30 ... that answer was 'no'.  That stuck with me through my life and as i grew closer to 30, i just expected the worse.

After 30, like most of my life, my days and nights were wasted.  While others my age were dating and going out having fun, i was working in a dead end job and then going home watching TV eating junk food.

When Scruffy died in 1983, i went into a deep depression that i have never quite recovered from.  i was afraid to accept myself for being gay, so when i finally did, i thought i had my families support.  Only to have them betray me about a year later (my birthday June 20, 1998 ... i haven't heard from them since).  i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, often times i wanted to kill myself.

New Years eve 2001, after i found the courage to kick the abuser out of my life, i laid on the sofa, crying heavily, with a knife in my hand.  i felt so alone and just wanted to die.  And then SADDI walked out of the bedroom, looked at me, gave me a kiss and went back into the bedroom.

i realized then, i wasn't alone.  The next day, the new year, things began to change.  SADDI and i took long walks everyday. i began losing weight, and though human lonely, i was feeling good.

But somewhere i go lost again.

Then Devon entered our life in 2006, i felt hope again.  Despite the many failings with my health due to the diabetes.  i had SADDI and Devon who loved me so much.

2009, as SADDI got sick with cancer and then was gone on August 9, i lost all hope again.  i tried to be strong for Devon, but in truth, all i wanted was to be with SADDI again.

2015 was a year i will not look back upon at all.  i lost my leg because of the diabetes and Devon was gone a lot with his 'friends', he never wanted me to meet.  (Leaving my mind to question everything)  Except for his birthday, i spent every other holiday alone.  Even my birthday.  Devon went back to China to visit his family during Christmas and New Years.  Because of setbacks with my amputation, i was without a leg and unable to go anywhere.  People calling themselves friends, were nowhere.  i spent the holidays crying.  Wishing to die.

The Robin Williams movie 'What Dreams May Come' are how i look upon life.  That suicides go somewhere else and all i want is to be with SADDI again.  i'm sure after we die, there is nothing.  Like a deep sleep.  But i want to believe that SADDI and i will walk and play again.

So, despite my life, as i know it now, is so empty, i must wake up each day and hope something will happen that will encourage and inspire me.

i have also come to the reality that i do not care if i am remembered in life or death.  i live today to honor SADDI and make her name and meaning everlasting.  ric berrong is gone, long forgotten.  Long live 

SAISARunlimited