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S T R U G G L I N G

January 30, 2016

The past couple of days i have really been struggling.  It's been six months since i had part of my right leg amputated.  Except for a couple of trips to the grocery store and a couple of doctors appointments, i have been stuck at home on the sofa.  Devon has been away a lot with friends, a month in China visiting family and recently a month in San Francisco helping his family find a house.

Alone.

Our neighbor Anne gets our mail daily and i have a couple of minutes of human contact.  Or i briefly chat with our mailman. A nurse comes over a couple of times a week to change the bandages, it takes about 10 minutes.   Otherwise, i'm trapped within my own thoughts.  Often twisted and very often directing me to end this charade called life.

i lay on the sofa crying at the stupidest things on TV.

i miss my SADDI so much.

Tonight, the feeling of ending my life was extremely overwhelming.

The amputation wound is slow to heal.  Having my new leg only a couple of times, for a couple of days, the wound always opened up again. 

Extremely bored, i crawled on my knees upstairs to try and clean the bathroom and one of the bedrooms.  But all that crawling on my knees, on the carpets, caused me to create a nasty wound on my left leg.  Since that is the leg i hop on, with the aide of my walker, i'm now worried about what damage i have done and how it will affect me getting around.  Usually i just scoot around while sitting in a chair.  But i need the walker to get to the bathroom.

What hurts the most is how alone i am and how i feel.  If i didn't respond to people's Facebook postings, i would never hear from them.  i send out inspiring postcards, usually monthly, but all i find in my mailbox are bills that i cannot pay.

i've fallen a couple of times, because of my balance issues.  If something serious happen to me, no one would know for a couple of days.

Devon's not due back for a few weeks, i'm honestly not sure if i can survive much longer.

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