:::SIGH:::

In 2015, mostly because of my health, Devon spent a lot of time way from home saying he was with 'friends'.  Even on my birthday, he spent time with them.

Devon left for China on December 2 for what i thought was a month visit back home.  A difficult time for me as i am still recovering from my leg amputation.  Getting around the house with a walker or scooting myself across the floor in a chair. i'm basically stuck in a 8 foot area of the house and i sit inside the doorway to look outside.  My life since late July has been in the hospital, an adult rehab and home.  i have only been able to leave for doctor appointments and grocery shopping.  Otherwise, i am home alone, on the computer, watching crap TV and questioning if i truly want to stay in this life or not.

i received a message from Devon saying he wasn't going to be coming back now until February 22.  i'm devastated.  i received the message around 1am (5pm China time).  i have been awake ever since.

Since last year, i have felt so alone in this marriage, alone in this struggle with my health and just alone in life.  The only people i see or hear from are the nurse who comes over twice a week to care for my wound and our neighbor, Anne, who brings over the mail.  Despite my efforts to be a friend to others, no one visits or calls or offers to help.  Of course, my family has been out of my life since 1998.

In the past, with my battles with depression, i looked to food to comfort my sadness.  Which is why i no longer have a right leg, congestive heart failure and diabetes.  All my life i have been weak.  Unwilling to push myself.  Unable to believe in myself.

i don't know how much longer i have in this life.  i realize that in reality, i am alone.  The memory of SADDI i will always cling to and hold onto the regret that i did not give her a better life and because of my failures, i am to blame for her dying of cancer.

This moment.  This day (January 4, 2016) i am finally going to be the person i should have been long ago.  No more wasted hours in front of the computer or the TV.

When Devon returns in over a month, i hope to finally be walking with my new leg.  Have lost enough weight it is visible.  And i am emotionally strong enough he'll want to be with me ... truly be in this marriage.

Yes, i love him.  But i don't want to be alone or always questioning if he loves me and wants to stay with me.

i watched my mother go through three marriages and several relationships with ex-cons and losers.  Not a role model for relationships as i grew up.  People in this world marry and divorce so easily.  The gay community is not well known for long term relationships (but there are some that do inspire me).  i want to be one of those that inspires others.  But i know i can't do it alone.

But i can change myself alone.  Mainly for me.  Hopefully it will attract others towards me.  i'm tired of being alone in life.  i'm tired of being me, who i never wanted to be.  i'm tired of talking about changing and then a day or two later i'm back to my pathetic self.