i don't like writing about my life anymore, i would rather ignore my reality.
Since the amputation of my right leg in late July 2015, i have been home bound. Only a few escapes to doctor appointments or going grocery shopping. Otherwise, i watch the hours waste by day by day. Devon has barely been around, either with his 'friends' for a few days, going to China for a month to visit his family and recently in San Francisco, for a month, helping other members of his family settle. To say it has been lonely is an extreme understatement.
i have a nurse who comes by twice a week for wound care. i seize the chance for human contact. Even if the February weather is chilly, i sit at the front door waiting for the mail. It's like the highlight of my day receiving outside communication ... though usually it's just bills. After that brief moment is over, i settle in for long hours of nothing.
Because i am only able to get around using a walker, i don't leave the house. i slide around in a chair when i am not sitting in front of the computer.
My over 30 year battle with depression has gotten worse. Daily i am thinking about suicide. Almost a fantasy of cutting my wrist and not being found until days later because there is no one in my life.
i miss my SADDI so much.
When i am seated at the front door, i'm feeding the squirrels that come visit me. At first they were unsure about me, now they wait for me to bring them treats. While sitting there watching them eating, i'll talk to them just to see if my voice still works. i think about how SADDI would so love these furry little visitors.
i've had the TV on 24/7, not really watching anything, just for noise.
When i get up on the walker, usually just to go to the bathroom, i have lost all my confidence after a few falls. As i lower my pants, i shake in fear of falling. And even pulling up my pants, leaning against the sink, i'm trying to balance myself. If i need to go to the pantry for something to eat, a distance of maybe 8 feet, hopping on my left leg causes a lot of stress and pain in my leg. Just simple tasks now that great effort for me.
The desire to wake up in the morning is lost. When i do open my eyes, my first thought is disappointment that i didn't die in my sleep.
1 comment:
Decisions, decisions... stay or go... I ask myself if, at the moment, I'm in my right mind. If the answer is yes, then I ask myself if it's time to go. So far, the answer has been "not yet." But I take comfort in the fact that I get to 1) ask again tomorrow, and 2) act accordingly.
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