About every couple of weeks, i go through a sleepless night, alone with my dangerous thoughts. i know i shouldn't listen to the voices in my head, which is why i leave the TV on 24/7, yes, even while i am sleeping. But it often doesn't work, as the voices of reality always over power the fantasy of TVland.
Basically being home bound for 7 months, watching seasons come and go, in the loneliness and memories, i have been unable to find a way to shut down my mind. i use to be able to do that when i took walks through nature and getting lost in the beauty of life. Now my view of life is from Facebook, Instagram or from my front door, where i sit talking to and feeding the squirrels.
i know where i went wrong in life, a long time ago. After spending much of my early youth being moved around by my unstable parents. A mother who always said she was the black sheep of the family and a step father and his mental issues. When we finally settled in a house that use to belong to my grandmother, i dug in roots and clung there far longer than i should have. Living a sheltered life with parents of ignorant beliefs and the rest of the family judgmental in their religious beliefs, i barely formed my own self, always living in a fantasy world.
i never pushed myself; in education, work, exercise, life or love. Because friendship slipped away easily, and i never worked hard enough to keep them, i looked to food to comfort me. Which it did, until i swallowed the last bite and then i was depressed again.
i stayed in a job without a future, proper wages or that challenged me, for 11 years. The Monday after i was laid off, when i went downtown to search for a new job, i felt so free and alive for the first time in my life. i actually felt myself walking with confidence. But it was short lived and i fell back into my comfort zone.
i played games with my mind by 'wishing' things would change. Expecting the weight would come off after a couple of days of exercising. But, i always believed things would get better, i always believed in hope. Nearly 54 years after my birth, i am still waiting.
The first time i fell in love, was with a bisexual man. Ours was a secret relationship, but when i was with him, i felt safe. He got scared the older he became (He was 2 years younger than me. He made the first move, at age 9, by kissing me. He would throw tiny rocks at my upstairs window at night, when he wanted to get together. He'd climb on the roof and entered through the small back window. We'd make love, he was very selfish, and then he was gone. But we had many moments together over 11 years as lovers.) i was very jealous when he paid attention to anyone else who i knew was gay. i was very immature. Even after he got married, he came over to my house a couple of times. But then he got heavily into drugs and my heart broke watching him to this to himself. The last time i saw him, he had come over. i was leading him upstairs and he freaked out by the creaking of the stairs. i tried to calm him, i held him and we kissed. But he was so paranoid under the influence of the drugs, he left. To this day, i wonder what would have happened had we stayed together, moved far away. Another of the fantasies i had.
The first time i went to a gay bar, Silverado, i remember standing outside, pacing back and forth. i didn't have any friends to go in with me and i was still in the closet, worried someone would see me. i don't remember how long i did this, as i look back, it seems like hours until i took a deep breath and walked it. It was dark, crowded and loud. i go a beer from the bar and then found a seat in the corner by the stage. And then the dancers started. Beautiful young bodies wearing only thin tight underwear. i watched as older men got up and put money inside the underwear of the dancers. i couldn't move. As time passed, the bar became even more crowded. i watched the dancers, but also kept my eye out for how i could get through the crowd to leave. Finally i just made my way through the crowd, my body rubbing against the bodies of beautiful men. i went home, alone, and cried. Over time, i went back to that same bar several times, each time sitting in my little corner, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and certainly not talking to anyone.
What a wasted life.
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