The other morning, before i awoke for another day of nothing, i was having a dream of SADDI. Although, this was not one of those dreams i want to cherish. It was a reminder of SADDI's last months as she battled cancer. SADDI was so brave and as stubborn as always. SADDI didn't deserve the suffering and i completely blame myself.
i wasn't working and we were barely getting by. Because of my numerous failures in life, there were no savings or anything worth selling to help pay for SADDI's needs.
Eight months after being diagnosed, SADDI died in my arms.
No matter how much time i have left upon this earth and even after i have left here, i will take the guilt with me. i understand, that everything i am going through today, with my own health, i fully deserve ... and more so. i have no right to complain about my pains or depression or loneliness. i brought it all upon myself by betraying SADDI of being able to protect her from cancer.
Some would say that SADDI forgave me and at the end, there is some peace. Just before the vet gave SADDI the shot to release her from her pain, as i whispered in her ear how sorry i am and how very much i love her, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. She was so weak and struggling to breathe, but she found the strength to comfort me.
Even with that, i do not deserve any comfort or peace. i know SADDI loved me so much. She was always loyal to me. i regret the foolishness of seeking friendships or love and leaving SADDI alone But she was always there, waiting for me, with love and joy.
Everyday, i hold SADDI's ashes and talk to her. i don't know if she can hear me, but for myself, i need to tell her, daily, how much i love and miss her. And how very sorry i am. But, at least for me, it will never be enough for me to forgive myself, even the slightest bit.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation, where i offer treats and any supplies i have available to homeless doggies living on the streets with their humans. i don't do it seeking acknowledgement and praise for myself, i always give all the credit to SADDI would taught me to be a better person. Until the day i die, this will be my mission and purpose in life.
When i do die, i want very little said about me, but i want it said i was SADDI's human.
And when that day comes, i can only hope that i will be welcomed to the other side by SADDI. As she barks at me, as she did whenever i returned home after being out without her.
i love you so much SADDI
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