i've been dreaming a lot about the life i should have lived. Wishing i had moved from Portland in the 1980's, challenging myself to thrive instead of settling into a the life i did live. The only thing i would want from my past was to ensure SADDI and i were brought together.
In a couple of months i will be 54 years old, my health declines further everyday and i just sit around the house, the TV on 24/7 only for sound so i don't listen to my own thoughts.
Since having my leg amputated 8 months ago and several setbacks, feeling unsafe using my walker, even around the house, i have basically been home bound. My only human contact is a nurse who comes over twice a week to care for my wounds, the mailman, bill collectors, my neighbor now and then and Devon, when he is here. Even when he is here, most of the time i feel alone. He's usually about 6 feet away from me on the computer or playing a game on his phone. He always gets upset if i bother him with a question or he just completes ignores me. Last night i had to call him on his phone when his favorite TV show came on. He was playing his game, looked at the phone and saw it was me calling, ignored me and kept playing. (Of course when he needs something, i give him my full attention)
At that moment, again, i felt completely alone. i send postcards with my photography and positive messages to different people, only a couple acknowledge them. During this period that i have been home bound, Devon has taken several trips and often stays over night with friends ... or so he says. Except for the limited time she is available, only my neighbor has offered any help.
The minutes, hours, days, weeks pass by and i just sink deeper into the thoughts of regret about my past and no desire for seeing the future.
The only thing keeping me from taking my life is my fear that i wont see SADDI again. No one knows what actually happens after we die, it's likely nothing at all. But i don't want to take that chance. Maybe i have seen too many movie that lead me to believe suicides go to a different place. The only place i really don't want to go to is tomorrow.
March 28, 2016
1 comment:
Ironic how sometimes those with the biggest hearts, the most genuine feelings, the grandest capacity for love, are the loneliest. Ironic how often the depth of that loneliness seems directly proportional to the emotional heights of our best relationships - almost as if it is the price of being lucky enough to have once found a soulmate.
Is the cost worth it? For me, the jury is still out.
As to what happens on the other side, I'm convinced it's good. And if I see SADDI before you, I promise to tell her you'll be joining her when the time is right.
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