My Obsession

On here, i have talked a few times about my obsession with death

i remember when i was about 10 years, a friend handed me a magic 8 ball, you ask it a question and it gives you an answer.  i remember asking it if i would live past 30 ... the answer was 'definitely not'.  Ever since then i have had the obsession.

i have tried to kill myself 5 times, mostly recently during the holidays of 2015 while i was stuck at home, alone.  My leg had been amputated and there had been several setbacks and Devon was in China for over a month.  And of course, my life is so empty without SADDI.

Since SADDI was taken from in, August 9, 2009, my thoughts have been overwhelming about death.  Especially what actually happens when we close our eyes for the final time.  i have felt SADDI near me several times since she has been gone.  But is it just my hope?

i'm not at all scared to die.  Even if my death is a painful one, i'm ready.

Movies and religious have people believing there will be a peaceful powerful light to guide us to the afterlife and we will be reunited with our loved ones.  i have my doubts.  But no one truly knows the answer.  Of course, if there were truly a heaven, i would love to be greeted by SADDI, as she runs into my arms and starts barking at me, as she did whenever i came home.  Almost like telling me how much she missed me.  But i seriously doubt that is what will happen.

What i believe is true, we close our eyes and that's all.  There is nothing more.

All i do know is that i will be cremated and my ashes will be mixed with SADDI's and then mixed with a bag of wild flowers and we will be spread somewhere to leave beauty in life.

And honestly, i could careless about being remembered, but i do want SADDI to be remembered for who she was and what she taught me.

March 30, 2016