Within my nearly 54 years on this earth, i have so many regrets. What i did ... What i should have done. Not being true to myself much earlier. Staying in an abusive relationship. The list is endless. By far, my greatest regrets are the times i spanked SADDI. Like when she got too excited when i shared food with her. Maybe the times weren't many, but even one time was too many. SADDI was always such a good girl, she didn't deserve my lack of patients, immaturity or my many failures.
i love SADDI more than anything or anyone. i can only hope that she always felt that and if it is possible, she knows it now.
And while i live for the day that i die, to be reunited with SADDI, these moments come to me often. i truly hate myself so much. i try to remind myself of the love we shared, but too often i was selfish and left her home while i waste my time and life elsewhere. Everything i needed, wanted was always at home waiting for me.
Yes, to this day, i still talk to SADDI, because it gives me comfort to think she can hear me. Everyday, i tell her how much i love her. How very much i miss her. How i truly need us. And i beg for forgiveness, though i do not deserve it.
i always think that the health issues i am now living with, is what i deserve. So i accept the pains and loneliness.
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