As i approach one year since the amputation of my right leg, a year of being stuck home, usually alone, falling deeper into depression. i had about 6 weeks when i was able to walk, until a minor rubbing created an infection, sent me to the hospital (where i had surgery on my birthday) and now it will be several more months before i will be able to learn to walk again.
i think a lot about suicide, but i don't want to leave Devon will all the bills that have built up since i have been unable to work.
i have come to terms that when we die, that's all. There are no pearly gates or flames of hell, it's just a deep sleep without dreaming. i'm not happy about that, i want to be able to see my SADDI again.
A year now of being held hostage in my home has eaten away at my desire for life. i look forward to going to bed at night, but not waking up the next day. i'm usually in bed before 10pm and i struggle to get up in the morning, but there's normally a long nap during the day.
During the night, when i need to go to the bathroom, it's a whole ordeal that wakes me completely up. Especially now that i have a wound vac attached to my stump and i have to carry it where ever i go.
i spend most of my day seated just inside the front door watching life passing by.
Devon is gone again. Spending time in San Francisco and i guess New Orleans. Or he's spending the night with his friends. When he is here, he always has his earphones on and i nearly have to scream to get his attention.
If i recover from all this, before i die, i have no plans to seek friendships, as i have been betrayed so many times. i just want to work, pay off my debts and leave a legacy of SADDI's memory. But right now, July 13, 2016, i no longer see any hope for the future.
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