Overwhelming Emotions

i really don't know how to express what i am feeling, a strong overwhelming emotion inside of me, but i truly believe this christmas will be my last.  i'm sorry that i can't explain to you why i am feeling this way, i honestly don't fully understand it myself.

So i went out into the garage and brought in all the containers with christmas decorations and started putting them out, 6 days before halloween.

Many of my decorations have special meaning and memories for me.  i have tree ornaments that my grandmother gave to me.  She died 48 years ago when i was just 6 years old.  And of course, i have SADDI's stocking.  After my family disowned me in 1998, it was just SADDI and i for a long time.  i would decorate our small apartment just for SADDI.  All the presents under the tree were for SADDI.  She was always very curious, but when i wasn't home, she never opened any of them.  Even though i know she was able to smell the treats i has wrapped.

This year, i really hope to be able to fully enjoy the season as much as i am possibly able to do from my wheelchair.  i've always enjoyed this season, not for the religious meaning, but the idea of giving and sharing.  The lights, the scents, the classic music and the egg nog.  The past couple of years i haven't decorated the house and never had a feeling to do so.  This year, i have had the feeling to start decorating for a few weeks.

The life span of a diabetic with an amputation is conflicting.  Some statistics say that 50% of diabetic amputee's die within 5 years.  My own amputation came mainly as a result of a serious deadly infection, mrsa.  i've had this infection 5 times.  The last time was when i lost my leg in July 2015.  Once you have mrsa, it's in your system and each time it seems to be worse.  So when i had another infection, caused by my temporary prosthetic rubbing against my stump, i was scared it would go into mrsa.  Thankfully it didn't.  And when Devon's mom locked me out of the house recently and i had to climb through the back door, falling off the sofa and hitting my stump hard on the wood floor, it created an infection.  But after a weeks worth of extremely intense antibiotics, it saved from a hospital stay.  i guess what time is left in my life, i will always have a concern of getting another infection and what it will possibly do to me.  One positive thing about mrsa, it ensures that i have a private room in the hospital.

i have suffered from depression for over 30 years ... sometimes better than other times.  Not having anyone in my life who understands what i am going through and often feeling belittled for what i am feeling has been a struggle.  i never cry or get upset about my families betrayal, but a day never passes that i don't cry from missing SADDI so much.

Thanks to SADDI, i was taught to appreciate the simple things from everyday life.  And i truly do my best to follow that gift that SADDI gave me.  i also try to encourage that others stop for at least a moment in their busy day to enjoy the simple blessings within their own lives.

So in this winter season of my life, whether it ends tomorrow or many tomorrows from now each moment will be a celebration.  Each sip of coffee i take will be savored. Each raindrop that falls will be soaked in.  i will try to listen to every leaf falling from tall trees.  i will limit my sleep so i can be awake to think, write and enjoy what life is willing to share with me.