SADDI's smile
what helps me during too many difficult moments,
is remembering SADDI's wonderful silly smile
S A D D I
i was so very blessed that on May 10, 1996, SADDI picked me to share her life with.
SADDI was such a good girl. So smart. Sometimes too smart. She didn't do doggie tricks, but she knew to be polite and very charming. In public, she was a shy lady. But friendly.
Usually in the morning we would walk to the nearby college while others were walking towards us going to work. It wasn't a bark, but more of a howl as someone passed it. It was SADDI's way, with a smile on her face, of saying 'hello'. No one was afraid of her, because as she did that, she was smiling.
When we were home, she was more relaxed and herself. After she ate her dinner, she'd step her front paws up on the chair i was sitting in, looking at me so lovingly and then release a very large burp. Again, she smiled and then went to bed.
S A D D I
Missing my conversations with SADDI.
Though she couldn't say anything,
i knew she was always listening.
And when she lifted her paw and put it on my hand,
i knew she was trying to comfort me.
Alone in this marriage
Devon has been in San Francisco for the past month, helping family members getting settled. i have no idea when he'll return. Before that, he was in China for a month visiting family. And when he was here, many times he was away with friends, often staying with them for several days (friends i have never met).
Since July 2015, i have basically been stuck at home with issues because of my leg and then the amputation. The loneliness has been overwhelming and very damaging on my emotions. i wont deny, thoughts of suicide have often run through my mind.
Today, a fairly nice winter day in Seattle, i slide the chair to the front porch and sat my way down the steps to work in the yard a little. i don't have my leg because the wound keeps opening and is taking longer to heal than expected. i'm very limited in what i am able to do and i can't leave the house using my walker, except to do some minor shopping and go to the doctor. Even around the house, using my walker, i have fallen a few times. Now, i'm so scared to use anything except a chair to get around.
i found out today that sax smooth jazz play, Kenny G, was coming to town. i sent Devon a message asking if he wanted to go. He said yes, so i bought the tickets. When i called to tell him we had two tickets for May 1, he said, "only two?". i asked why only two, who else did he want to invite. i guess his mom is coming to stay with us again after her stay in San Francisco.
The last time Devon's mom stayed with us was extremely stressful. i felt so alone within my own home, especially since Devon really hasn't told his family we are a couple, and now married. i'd be having a conversation with Devon, his mom would walk into the room and just start talking, as if i didn't even matter. She was asked over and over again that she needed to wash her hands when cooking, for four months she needed to be reminded. Even a couple of days before she left, when she thought i wasn't looking, she just turned on the water, to make it seem like she was washing her hands, but she wasn't. We had lunch on Capitol Hill and decided to walk back into town, all downhill. As i struggled to do the hills while wearing my cast, Devon and his mom were a block ahead of me, never looking back to see me struggling. It got so bad, the stresses and disrespect, that i tried to kill myself because i felt so alone.
i'm not allowed to being any of this up and if i do Devon yells at me, stops talking to me and makes me feel like shit.
And now she's coming back to stay with us, likely over the summer. No one asked me and only now am i being told. Again, it doesn't matter. Despite the fact that i pay the rent, the bills and the groceries ... and with her staying with us, i'll have to pay extra to the rent, which i really can't afford.
i was really looking forward to getting healthy and doing things with Devon again. Even the two of us going on vacation together, which we have never done. But with his mom coming, that wont happen. Because of the issues with my leg, i have never been able to go upstairs and even sleep with my husband, i've always slept on the sofa. i'll still be on the sofa with his mom staying with us.
i just wish Devon could step back and look at what i have been dealing with these past four years with the issues with my leg and especially the past 7 months since the amputation.
Because of my health, i haven't been able to be the husband i want to be. With Devon, there have been too many secrets and lies. i even found some unsettling pictures on his computer. i truly feel so alone in this marriage. In this life.
For the sake of everyone, i think it is time i just go with SADDI.
S A D D I
Everyday before or after work, sometimes both, SADDI would take me for a walk to the nearby park where we would play with the tennis. i never trained SADDI to fetch, she just always knew i was there to toss the ball, she'd bring it back to me and i'd toss it again. Until she got bored and wanted to walk some more. Then i was stuck carrying around a wet dirty tennis ball while she pulled me along on the leash so she could sniff around and chase squirrels. She never caught one, they'd always run up the tree laughing at her. SADDI would stand there, with her front paws on the tree, looking at me with that silly beautiful smile.
S A D D I
SADDI, i am so sorry that the evils of cancer overwhelmed us and took you away from me.
i will never forgive myself for what you went through,
you did not deserve any of it.
Especially after how loving and loyal you were to me.
Break the Habit
The world doesn't care or need to know that you're not feeling well
The world needs to know you're alive and seizing EVERY moment.
S A D D I
At night, when it is cold and quiet, as i lay down to sleep, i'm reminded of SADDI jumping onto the bed, sniffing my face, letting out a lil sneeze all over my face and then laid down next to me, usually her back against my belly, using my arm as a pill-low as i put the blanket over both of us. SADDI so closely against me, i can feel her breathing. As i kiss her ears and whispered 'good night', she has already fallen asleep and is snoring so peacefully. Not that much longer, she begins to have a dream. Her paws start moving, as if she is running in slow motion and she releases a high pitched bark.
The next morning, in the same position, as i get up to get ready for work, slowly moving my arm out from under her head, she lets out a moan. i would ensure the blanket stayed over her, as she rested longer, until i asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. A long stretch, as her front feet slid across the wood floors. She took me for a morning walk and as soon as we returned home, a quick drink and then back to bed.
Before i left for work, i covered her in the blanket again. Tossed some treats on the floor. But as soon as she saw me grabbing my jacket, she was out of bed, watching my every move. Following me to the door, where i told her i'd be back soon and i love her so much. As i closed the door, i could hear her crying ... breaking my heart. How long she cried, i do not know. But when i did return home hours later, she was at the door, her treats hadn't been touched (she always liked to eat when i was home) and she was ready to take me for another walk.
i miss us, SADDI
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