S A D D I
It always amazes me how the memories can fade,
but the love seems to grow even stronger.
i truly miss SADDI so very much that it actually hurts,
but i feel a sense of comfort in knowing how strong our love is.
Rainbow Hat
i got on the streetcar after Tacoma Pride
and the lady in front of me was wearing this hat.
i told her how much i liked it and she gave it to me.
July 2, 2017
Today i did about 3 miles in my wheelchair.
2.5 miles along Alki beach.
Another .5 miles from the store to home.
It felt good that i pushed myself.
i actually wasn't tired.
If only i had moved to Seattle in the early 1980's.
i could have walked that area daily,
instead of wasting my time with fake friends and family.
i see myself as healthier had i moved here.
Physically and emotionally.
In my 55 years, i would change everything.
Except the day SADDI picked me.
South Lake Union Geese
The crippled Goose always greets
me when i go to South Lake Union in my wheelchair.
i guess we have a special connection.
S A D D I
When i think of SADDI, which i do often, i am overwhelmed with sadness because i miss her so much. i miss the silly simple things. Getting up in the morning, SADDI moan and stretching and not ready to get up. So i would cover her with the blanket and let her sleep longer while i took a shower to get ready for work. By the time i was ready, i had to beg her to get out of bed so we could take our morning walk. SADDI was always slow to get out of bed. If it was raining, SADDI would stand at the door, as if she was thinking if she had to go to the bathroom bad enough to get her paws wet. ... Fixing some fresh water for her, if it was going to bed hot, i'd put some ice cubes in her water. Soaking her food bowl because she always liked to eat at night with me. ... Before i left for work, tossing a bunch of treats on the bed, but knowing she wouldn't eat them while i was gone. Giving her a kiss and telling her i would be back as soon as possible. After closing the door, i could hear her barking and crying as i walked to the bus. It broke my heart. ... When i returned home, i was barked at again and SADDI would jump up on me. We'd go for a quick walk and return home. As i sat down at the computer, SADDI would go into the bedroom and bring her treats out one at a time. She always wanted to eat with me. ... A zillion different things i miss but one very big thing i miss ... SADDI.
S A D D I
SADDI, not a morning doggie, always had a long moan whenever someone got out of bed. Even when i wanted to go out and take sunrise pictures, SADDI wanted to go with me, but i could see by the look on her face she wasn't happy. And it was always hopeless making the bed. Devon would take her for a morning walk, i would go in to make the bed, when SADDI returned she jumped up onto the bed and pulled all the sheets and blankets into a big mess. Devon and i would stand at the bedroom door watching her, she's stop, look at us and continued un-making the bed. After she was done, she had a look on her face of accomplishment and reminded me to stop making the bed. And when we slept, SADDI always ensured she was in the middle, between Devon and i. If i got up during the night or in the morning, SADDI moved to my side of the bed. If i came back to bed and asked her nicely to move over, SADDI would let out a sigh and move to the middle.
S A D D I
My birthdays have always been a source of great sadness and loneliness (this year was no difference), except the 13.5 years when SADDI was with me. We would take a few long walks and lots of play along the way. No matter how devastated i was feeling, SADDI always had a special way to make me feel worthy and loved, without being able to say a word. Even the 1998 birthday when my family disowned me, SADDI was there for me to hold, cry and talk to ... realizing the only family i needed was SADDI and i. SADDI's smile was the greatest gift i have ever received. i miss you so much.
S A D D I
One of my most cherished memories was something we did quite often. Our walks to Portland State, in downtown Portland and just sitting peacefully on a bench, watching the stressed out students passing by. But as they passed us, SADDI leaning her body against mine, my arm around her, we always received smiles. i knew, for that brief moment, that SADDI and i had given these young people an escape from their worries. They witnessed the beautiful bond SADDI and i share. A few times people even stopped to talk to SADDI. One group of adorable Japanese girls stopped, speaking very little English, but i understood they wanted a picture of SADDI. i moved over so it would just be of SADDI. She sat there, smiling that beautiful smile. The Japanese giggled as they took her picture. Off they went with their day. moved against SADDI again, tried to give her a kiss (she never liked me giving her kisses in public) and we continued to sit there. SADDI looking for squirrels or other dogs. Unaware how much joy she was giving ... especially to me.
i think of SADDI so much. An hour never escapes without a thought of her. And each thought creates a smile with a little tear. i truly miss her so very much.
S A D D I
i had that dream again, the one i have had numerous times in the past 8 years since SADDI has been gone. In the dream, someone takes SADDI and i see myself searching everywhere yelling her name. Like before, i woke myself up calling out SADDI's name with tears in my eyes.
This month, on my birthday, it will be 19 years since my entire family betrayed me and left my life because i am gay. Rarely do i think of them. But an hour never passes that a thought, a smile, a tear, a precious simple memory of SADDI passes through me.
S A D D I
Proof (again) that angels watch over us. After a draining night at work, i came home dragging my sweaty body inside. A little ice cream and then off to bed (2:00am) because i had to awake at 7:00am for a doctors appointment. My alarm laying next to my pillow. i was not awakened by the alarm, because i had set it for PM, but i still awoke in the morning because of a dream i was having of Saisar SADDI Berrong barking at me. This is not the first time SADDI had taken care of me, while she was physically on this earth and now as she waits for me at the Rainbow bridge.
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