i regret
When talking about my 55 years on this earth, it always beginnings 'i regret'. It took me far too long to realize my passions in life. Staying in a job for 11 years that i was unhappy doing and had no future. Staying home too often. Thinking my mother was my best friend. Not challenging myself or pushing myself. Denying my passions and attractions.
In my entire life, i would change everything, except one day. Only one day where my life was changed and forever altered. May 10, 1996, when SADDI picked me to share her life with.
i wish i had experienced love sooner. Experienced life more fully. Instead i went to work and came home. Sitting in front of the TV instead of exercising. Playing mind games by just wishing instead of actually doing.
Now, at 55, my health declining, too broke to do anything, life without SADDI and looking back with heavy regret. Today, i sit in a wheelchair because it's taking so long for the amputation wound to heal, and i watch youth enjoying life. Young people who are free and unattached, clinging to their parents.
i remember the first time i went to a gay bar, by myself, i stood outside pretending i was waiting for someone. Looking back, it seems like i stood their for hours trying to find the courage to go in. i know it wasn't that long. And i sat in a distance corner watching the dancers, not talking to anyone.
i see today, the life i should have lived. The life i desire to live. The life i will never have. And i watch the time passing faster everyday and the regrets building.
S A D D I
SADDI and i spent most of our 13.5 years together alone. But we had one another, so there was always a special comfort. i knew i could talk to SADDI without being judged or put down. That wasn't the case when someone was in our life.
In the nearly 8 years since SADDI was taken from me, i have been very alone. Many hours in the voices in my own head. But there was a comfort, because i had memories of SADDI, large and small, to comfort me.
As time moves on, my cherished memories only allow my love and devotion for SADDI to grow. And my missing of her also grows.
S A D D I
Mornings. Always a struggle trying to get SADDI ready for her morning walk to the park so i could go to work. Especially if it was raining outside, SADDI wanted nothing to do with mornings. i could stand over the bed holding her leash and she would just look up at me. When she finally did get up, it was a long slow stretch. That's why she loved it when Devon came to be with us in 2006, because he's not a morning person either. But once i was able to get SADDI out the front door, she was ready for business and searching the neighborhood for different scents and squirrels. If we had enough time, we'd play with the tennis ball for a couple of minutes ... until she got bored and just walked away. Leaving the ball for me to pick up and carry around. Anything for SADDI.
S A D D I
It always amazes me how the memories can fade,
but the love seems to grow even stronger.
i truly miss SADDI so very much that it actually hurts,
but i feel a sense of comfort in knowing how strong our love is.
Rainbow Hat
i got on the streetcar after Tacoma Pride
and the lady in front of me was wearing this hat.
i told her how much i liked it and she gave it to me.
July 2, 2017
Today i did about 3 miles in my wheelchair.
2.5 miles along Alki beach.
Another .5 miles from the store to home.
It felt good that i pushed myself.
i actually wasn't tired.
If only i had moved to Seattle in the early 1980's.
i could have walked that area daily,
instead of wasting my time with fake friends and family.
i see myself as healthier had i moved here.
Physically and emotionally.
In my 55 years, i would change everything.
Except the day SADDI picked me.
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