S A D D I
As you know, for 4 years i was in a unhealthy abusive relationship. i lived in fear everyday, the physical and emotional scars are everlasting, but even while i was covered in blood from a beating, i was more concerned about SADDI. She was so scared and didn't know what to do. i finally found the courage to kick the lying cheating sociopath out of our life, the bond between SADDI and i grew even stronger. One day, a then friend was over watching Blazing Saddles, at one point during the hilarious movie, she slapped my leg. SADDI leaped from the floor, onto the sofa between us. SADDI's nose almost touching the friends nose. At first i was in shock that SADDI was protecting me, but the longer she sat there i began to laugh. For about 5 minutes SADDI sat there and wouldn't move until i grabbed her and held in tightly in my arms. SADDI wasn't going to allow anyone to hurt me again, even if it was in play. Devon would never hurt me, physically or emotionally, but i had to warn him of how passionately SADDI was about not allowing me to be harmed by anyone. i miss SADDI, so very much. Though i am in a safe place and a loving relationship, i miss SADDI protecting me, even from myself.
Feeling Nostalgic
The last few weeks, i have been waking up between 3 - 4:00 am every morning. Even if i go to bed late, i still wake up that early. And i'm unable to go back to sleep. Today, i seized the early hour to go to the local rose garden, with my best friend (my camera). It was cool and windy, but the sun was shining. The roses were in full bloom. Brilliant colors. i was in heaven. It was difficult getting around the garden, the grass was still wet from yesterday's rain, making it a real workout wheeling to capture the glorious gifts from Mother Nature. But so worth it. At one moment, a dark cloud covered the sky and released a shower of fresh rain. The few people in the garden that early in the morning, rushed to seek cover under the small gazebo, i took advantage of the moment to capture the raindrops dancing around the water lily pond. The cloud quickly passed and blue skies returned. And i returned to my mission of celebrating the roses. The house i lived in for 25 years use to belong to my grandmother. She had planted a few roses in the backyard that i added a few dozen more. One of her roses, the Lincoln rose, was velvet red with a scent worthy of being a perfume. i normally would get over fifty roses a season from that one bush. Sharing them and selfishly filling the house with the color and scent during the all too limited season. The rose bush was planted in the 1950's and we sold the house in 1996, it's the only thing i miss about that house. When i entered the gates of the Seattle Rose Garden, i was taken back to a time where i was confused, lonely, scared but i was at total peace working in my own much smaller rose garden. Remembering the six years i had my grandmother in my life. Remembering bringing SADDI to her new home, chasing her around the yard and witnessing,for the first time, that smile that even today, nearly nine years since she was taken from me, brings me comfort. Many memories rushed through my head, but i tried to focus on the present moment and remembering what SADDI taught me ... ... ... slow down and cherish the simple pleasures. In one day, i can't remember taking so many pictures. i only wish i could have captured the scent of the garden and shared that. But that is for me, for everyone else i have pictures that i will be sharing. Sharing in hopes of encouraging others to slow down and celebrate life. This glorious life truly is a celebration and each and everyone of us is capable of being the inspiration. i may not be blessed with SADDI still in my life, a loving family, true friends or the me that i use to be. What i do have is what i share. It might go ignored or not even acknowledged while i am here, but i leave it as my legacy. As my truth. As my hope. As me.
World Ocean Day
Just this week it was reported that a Pilot Whale died near Thailand due to eating 80 plastic bags. We humans must remember that we share this earth with others, so we must do as much as we can ... and more ... to ensure every living being has a chance to Celebrate Life
S A D D I
Today is Best Friend Day and it is also a day where suicide is at the top of the news headlines. So i have my story to share.
It was New Years eve 2001. It had been a few years since my family disowned me after i came out. A couple of months earlier i found the courage to end a 4 year abusive relationship. And friendships were only available when they needed a friend. i felt hopeless, alone and deeply depressed. The TV was playing Dick Clark's Rockin Eve, as i laid on the sofa crying while holding a knife. i truly questioned what i had to live for.
And then SADDI walked out of the bed, standing in the doorway looking at me. She walked over and gave me a kiss, then returned to the bedroom. At that moment i realized that everything i had to live for, just gave me a reminder. i felt so foolish.
Everything changed at that moment. After that night, SADDI and i took longer walks. i lost weight. i realized that i didn't need the humans in my life who were only draining me. On May 10, 1996, SADDI rescued me when she chose me to share her life with. SADDI saved me when i felt alone ... but because of her, never was.
SADDI died on August 9, 2009. My heart shattered into a billion pieces. But i knew i had to find a way to honor the life and love of SADDI. And so, the SAISAR unlimited foundation was started. Providing treats, blankets and water to doggies living on the streets with their humans.
And even though it has been nearly 9 year, SADDI still visits me in my dreams. And in the very early dark quiet hours of the morning, i can actually hear SADDI snoring. Physically she is not here, but in her own very special way, i know she is with me. And even though i cry everyday, because i miss her so very much, those tears pass a smile because SADDI gave me so many precious memories.
S A D D I
i awoke and left the house far too early this morning. But the cool air and broken clouds rushed a precious memory into my thoughts, all day.
i borrowed the work van, we took the seats out, put our futon mattress in the back and drove to Lincoln City. We planned to stay over night along the coast for a casual special weekend.
When we got to the casino, where we planned to sleep in the parking lot, they were having a BBQ festival. More than 50 BBQ's, all shapes and sizes, cooking just about everything. We enjoyed a several hours on the beach, then it was bedtime. It was tight for the 3 of us, but, as usual, SADDI had to sleep in the middle, between Devon and i. But it became very clear, a good nights sleep was not going to happen. Not because of the closeness of out sleeping situation, but because the air was filled with the scent of all-night BBQ'ing.
Even SADDI struggled to sleep. Her nose in the air taking in the delicious scent.
Very late into the night, we decided to find another place tow try and sleep. Not too far away,we found some parking near the beach and finally got a few hours sleep. The waves rolling on the beach were a comforting sound.
Before the sun awoke, SADDI and i got up and took a walk along the beach. The air was cool and the per-dawn light exposed the broken clouds, waiting for the sun. SADDI always loved to play in the sand. It was quiet, except for the the ocean and the occasional sea gull. i'll never forget that moment shared between just SADDI and i ... as Devon continued to sleep in the van.
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