I LOVE YOU SADDI

How do I describe my love for Saddi when such words do not exist. Since that very first day, on May 10, 1996, I have been in love with Saddi. I had known love before, but nothing like this. No other relationship within my life has meant more to be than being with Saddi. She has never betrayed me. She has never sought out others for happiness. She has never allowed me to go a day without a smile from her. To just say that I love Saddi is never enough for how I truly feel. But people will likely never understand this, because I am unable to fully express it. Those who have seen Saddi and I together, they know and they understand the bond that is shared between Saddi and I.

Even today, as Saddi struggles with health issues, she still ensures that I am allowed several smiles throughout the day. Though her energy is low, her level of love and devotion has never faded. As I sit in the living, I can hear her climb off the bed and her tails clicking on the hard wood floors as she comes in to check on me. Maybe she takes a look to see if anything new has been added to her food bowl, or just to check things outside, but she always makes a stop near me so I can touch her soft thick black fur before she returns to the comfort of the bed. And when the day has become too much for me, I'll go lay down on the bed, Saddi will get up once I am comfortable and lay her body closely against mine. Feeling so safe, I easily fall into a deep sleep as Saddi cuddles her body even more closely against mine. It doesn't matter if I am unable to move, feeling Saddi up against is so comfortable.

Recently, when I dealt with my own near fatal infection, I spent several days in bed, barely able to get up and then only for a few minutes. Though long hours of battling a fever, while still be unable to ever get warm, no matter how many blankets Devon had on top of me, Saddi didn't leave my side. Only when Devon took her leash out of the closet, did Saddi get up from the bed. But even before she exited the room, she always looked back at me. And as soon as they returned, the first stop Saddi made in the house was to come into the bedroom and check on me. When dinner was prepared, I had to tell Saddi it was okay to go eat before she would leave the bedroom. I stayed in bed, my entire body covered in blankets, exposing only my nose and eyes. Saddi would make the journey into the kitchen and take a few bits, but I heard walking back towards the bedroom. Her nose would enter my blankets to touch my nose, maybe a little kiss, before returning back to eat. She would do this several times until she had finished her meal and then she would jump back up onto the bed, usually with her back tightly up against mine. And soon we were both snoring.

Anytime I have to leave the house is always a heartbreaking experience, as Saddi always wants to be with me. I've tried to explain to her, as unfair as it is, there are some places that doggies just can't go. The look within her soft brown eyes seem to express 'then why do you go to these places?'. But always, before I leave the house, I give Saddi some loving and tell her I will be back as soon as possible. She stands in the hallway watching close the door and then I hear the fast clicking of her nails going across the floor to reach the dining room door, which has a window in it. Saddi watches me reach the gate, but before opening it I always wave and blow a kiss to her. Even after exiting the gate, I turn around again to see her standing there watching me. One more wave and then I have to leave or I would never be able to leave with those big eyes watching me. But as I make my way up the driveway, Saddi begins to cry out and my heart breaks into pieces. It takes everything I have not to run back home and just hold her. But then there is that wonderful thrill of returning home, Saddi still seated at the dining door. Upon opening the gate, she stands up and you can see that curled tail begin to wag. As I go to open the front door, I hear Saddi racing across the floor to greet me. Her body pushes against my legs as I brace myself from not falling over from the 40 pounds of doggie loving me. Depending on her mood, she will bark at me in attempt, and a good one, to make me feel guilty for leaving her. For a time, she will follow me around the house, shadowing my every move. But soon she will realize I am home for good and she will retreat to the comforts of the bed.

The lab within Saddi has always ensured that she is overly smart and extremely loyal. However, she is also part chow, which means she can be very stubborn and demanding. Several times, while relaxing and reading the newspaper, Saddi would stand up on the chair and push her nose against the paper. I would slowly lower it to find this adorable face looking at me with a plea for attention. To tease her, I would raise the paper again, only to have her nose once again pushing into the paper until I lowered it again. Most times I had to delay lowering the paper because I was trying not to laugh. Difficult not to laugh when the paper continues to be bumped with her nose.

The stories of how Saddi enriches my life are endless and I truly hope there are millions of more stories to share. Some may find it odd that I devote so much of my life and energy into sharing about Saddi, but the reality is, she is deserving of it. I haven't found many humans in life who can be even one percent as special as Saddi is. So I will share stories about Saddi in hopes of inspiring others to be better to themselves and others. Hopefully I will be able to finish my book 'the TRUTH prevails' before the end of the year and published in time to celebrate Saddi's 14h birthday on February 28, 2010.

I love you Saddi.

I Love You So Much SADDI

I WILL (hopefully ) SURVIVE

by Ric Berrong
I survived through high school, though confused and lost
I survived through the 80's, Reaganomics, bad clothes and all
I survived my families betrayal when I came out, accepting my truth for myself and no one else
I survived a physically and emotionally abusive cruel partner, though the reality is I don't know how
I survived the amputation of part of my foot, though I struggle each day
I survived being used for my kindness and hopefully learned many lessons
I have not survived a Japanese game show because I've never been on one
I have survived inherited baldness, mostly thanks to styling options and stylish hats
I survived several broken hearts, thanks to time, duct tape and super glue
But today I am tired, unsure how much more I can withstand and still survive
Though I have no other options or choices, just accepting what is thrust upon me
Hoping all my dues are one day paid in full and I can begin enjoying this life and not just surviving it

New Title and Book Cover

The highs and lows of my life while searching for fulfillment and truth. Surviving an abusive relationship to finding love that has meaning. The betrayal of my family and friends while still finding the courage to move forward in a life often clouding my reality. And sharing the great joys of my life, especially the love and devotion of my precious Saddi. How she picked me, saved me from an attempted suicide and always reminding me of the simple joys that life has to offer. It is my hope that the book will inspire others to look beyond the negatives that often overwhelm us and continue believing in the hope, truth and beauty within and all around us.

happy birthday SADDI

Though you are sleeping now, a special day awaits you. Your daddy Devon and I will devote the entire day to everything that makes you happy and comfortable. If there were a thousand ways I could spoil you, I would find 1001 because you always deserve so much more. I don't think people will truly ever understand how very much you mean to me or how strong our bond is, because they do not know what we have gone through to get where we are today in celebrating your 13th birthday.

How could I have known, that on this day, 13 years ago, you were born and would soon enter my life and heart? Though it wasn't until May 10, 1996 that we found each other, everyday since you have reminded me how much I am needed and love. If only by you, for me that is all that matters. When my family decided to leave me, you were there as the only family I needed. When that ugly cruel person use to beat me, though you were scared and would hide from his rage, when it was over, you comforted me as my wounds and tears slowly faded. And on that New Year's eve, when I had reached the lowest point of my life, knife in hand and tears flooding my eyes, you walked out and licked my face and hand, reminding me of my reason to live. My reason for living, laughing and loving have all been taught to me by you.

We've shared so many memories, all of which enhanced when I saw the joy in your eyes. Trips to the beach so you could play in the sand, so long as I didn't try to take you out into the water. Driving through the country side and seeing all the horses that looked up as you barked to say hello. Walking through the city and people ignoring me as they stopped to talk with you, commenting how beautiful you are. And those millions of quiet times, when it was just the two of us. Either staying home in each others company, cuddling in bed, even though you are much smaller, you seemed to need more room or was it just to be as close as you possibly could to me, sitting along the waterfront with you leaning against me or chasing you in the tennis court, which soon turned into you chasing me. When you smile, as you do often, I cannot help but smile too. For the look of happiness in your face always finds its way into my heart.

You are stubborn and demanding, but it shouldn't be any other way. You are selfish when it comes to receiving attention, but it shouldn't be any other way. You speak out, loudly, when you have something that needs to be heard, but it shouldn't be any other way. But most of all, you are the most loyal and loving with those that you trust and know would never harm your Rici. Though the love you have is shared with just about everyone, there is that special love that you have for only your Rici. Never allowing me out of your sights. Always reminding me when it is time for bed or if you just want to cuddle. And always ensuring that whenever possible, you need to go with me and if not possible, you make sure I know how much it bothers you.

Many people know you, feeling your soft thick coat of black hair. When they see you they either play with your adorable ears or your curled tail. And most don't mind when you push up against them, your weight so strong they almost fall. Or that after you have received your attention from them, your hair clings to whatever they are wearing. These people don't mind, because what they feel from you is your love that you have so much of to share. And those who only know you through pictures or shared thoughts by me, they also feel your love. Even people who claim not to like 'dogs', seem to feel something different from you that allows them to be kind to you.

All of my life, I have only wanted to be love and respected, not knowing the harsh feeling of people leaving or hurting me. I've tried to be kind, giving and supportive, but too often it has been turned against me. But I have come to proudly accept that I am the happiest in being known as Saddi's human. So long as everyone knows about how amazing you are, they know the greatest part of me. For without Saisar Saddi Berrong, there never will be me.

To say I love you could never express what I truly feel. And to say thank you for all you have shared and given me, well, words have yet to be invented that could fully express that. What I can say, with complete confidence, is that you have enhanced the beauty and truth within my life and heart. And though today is your birthday Saddi, please know that everyday is a celebration for me because of you.

your Rici

SAISAR ... SADDI ... BERRONG

a tribute to Saddi

(excerpts from 'the TRUTH prevails' by Ric Berrong' to be published in 2009)

Saddi, my love. Words have yet to be invented to express your meaning to my life and heart. Today I am a better person because of your love and devotion. When life tries to bring me down, as often it has, there is always you who reminds me of what truly is important and a smile returns to my life. And what is it that is truly important? It is you, Saisar Saddi Berrong.

In 1983, I was lost and confused within my life, then on August 13 everything fell apart for me when my best friend Scruffy, a poodle mix, died. For years I lived under a blanket of guilt and deep depression because of her death. Just as I felt the urge to lift myself up again, Frauline, a german shepard, who Scruffy had mothered and befriended, died in my arms. I had never really trusted two legged friends as much as I did my four legged friends and now I was alone.

In 1996, there had been mixed emotions about welcoming another doggie into my life, but mostly only thoughts. I had visited shelters, looked through the newspapers, even going to mall pet stores, but there was never that connection. Mostly I worried it was my own fears of being abandoned again that did not allow me to feel anything. On a warm May 10 afternoon, a family friend, who had only recently was mourning her own four legged friend, invited me to join her to go look at puppies being given away. At first I said I couldn't, but she convinced me to just come and look with her.

As we pulled up to the house, the mother dog barked loudly, something she did during our entire visit. As the humans opened the door, out ran two eight week old puppies who instantly began running around the yard and playing with one another. Crashing into tree's and each other, rolling across the yard of grass and dirt, jumping, biting, barking and just being puppies. But just as the torn screen door to the house was about to close, out walked a black ball of fur. With her brother and sister still playing all around us, creating a small dust cloud as they played in the dirt, this tiny bear cub looking doggie walked down the stairs of the porch and began walking across the yard. Her brother and sister running all around her, but she gave them no attention as she walked directly towards me. When she finally reached me, she sat herself on my foot and rested her head on my leg to look up at me. My friend suggested I pick her up, but I insisted I wasn't ready. "No, just pick her up to see what it feels like" she urged. I bent down and saw these soft brown colored eyes looking into my blue eyes, I lifted her up and she placed her head against my neck as I wrapped my arms around her. At that moment I realized, she picked me.

I brought her back to the house and we played in our own yard. She would chase me and then I would chase her. But after weeks of living outside with her seven other brothers and sister, Saddi smelled and smelled bad. So I picked her up and took her to the kitchen sink, while holding her I turned on the water, ensuring it wasn't too hot and adding some soap to create bubbles. I started to lower Saddi into the sink, but she had other idea's and it wasn't a bath. She began crying and holding onto me tighter with those needle sharp toe nails. I finally go her into the water, but she was not happy at all. She stood up and put her front paws on my chest, looking at me with such sadness, her nails deeply attached to me, as I washed her, talking to her the entire time. Later, when I went to take my own shower, Saddi stood by the door crying and barking. I stepped out of the shower and opened the door asking her if she wanted to join me, but of course not. So I left the door open so she could still see me through the shower curtain.

That first night, as I laid myself in bed, Saddi sat at the foot of the bed whimpering. I told her it was her bed to and to get up there and be comfortable. And she jumped onto the bed, laid her head on the pillow as I put a blanket over her and we drifted off to sleep.

Saddi has always hated to get wet. Baths are nearly impossible and when they are a must, I need to get into the shower with her. Once they are over and she is dried off, Saddi ignores me for a period of time. Sitting on the bed or sofa, she will just glare at me, but it doesn't last very long. One time we went to the beach, as I opened the door and put on her leash, Saddi jumped out of the car and pulled me as she ran towards the ocean. She was still a puppy and I was an extra large human, but she was pulling across the sand. As we reached the ocean I was surprised that she went into the water, only enough to cover her paws, but there she stood, that is until a small wave brought water up to touch her belly and then she was pulling me back to the car.

Except for my going to work or out where I couldn't take her, Saddi and I were never apart. And never was there a night we didn't cuddle. But at the end of August 2006, I had to go into the hospital to have a diabetic infected toe removed. If that wasn't bad enough, we were moving from our small apartment into a house just across the street at the same time. The day before I went into the house, my dear friend Helen helped me move the final items into the house. That night I tried to organize what I could to make the new house comfortable for Saddi while I was gone for the six days in the hospital, but even I was uncomfortable that first night. The next day I packed what I needed to take to the hospital, Saddi following me into every new room. We took a long walk and played in the nearby park until it was time for me to go. I sat her on the bed, holding her closely against me as I told her what would be happening. Helen would come by every morning and each evening to give her a walk, play with her and feed her. I told Saddi how very much I love and I would hurry home as soon as possible. Grabbing my bag, I kissed Saddi on the top of her head, picked up a picture of her to take to the hospital with me and told her to be good as I walked out the door. Walking down the street to catch the bus, I could hear Saddi through the open windows crying and I could feel my heart breaking. Every time Helen came over to the house, she would call me at the hospital so Saddi could hear my voice on the phone. Helen would talk to Saddi about my coming home soon. I knew Saddi was being taken very good care of by Helen, the only person in my life at that time I knew I could trust with Saddi. But during those six days, Saddi barely ate anything and I am sure spent much of her time alone looking out the window for my return.

On my fourth day at the hospital, Helen and her husband Pat and our friend Linda came to visit me, while bringing Saddi with them. All day I waited for that, telling all the nurses my little girl was coming to see me. I made arrangements early in the day for there to be a wheelchair ready for me and I talked to Saddi's picture, hoping she could hear me at the house, letting her know we'll see each other soon. When the time arrived, my wheelchair was nowhere to be found. Helen, Pat and Saddi waited downstairs, outside of the lobby, as I buzzed the nurses for my wheelchair. Finally it arrived and I nearly jumped out of my bed to get into it, but the chair had to hold my IV drip which was on a monitor to give me the medicine I needed from my surgery. It was all taking too long, wasting my time I could be with Saddi. Finally Linda was able to wheel my downstairs and of course she couldn't go fast enough for me. When we reached the lobby, a loud alarm went off on my monitor and we didn't know what to do. I was only about twenty feet from the lobby door and seeing my Saddi, I would have pulled the IV drip from my arm to get to her. No one was around to help us and Linda wanted to take me back upstairs to have it fixed but I said no, I had to see my Saddi. Finally a nurse coming on duty helped us and turned off the machine, saying ti should be okay for me not to receive the medicine for a short period of time. We were on our way, I used one hand to pushed the wheelchair faster and there she was just outside of the door. Helen saw me coming and I could see her telling Saddi I was coming, because Saddi's head moved quickly, looking everywhere to see me. When the lobby doors opened, Saddi saw me and jumped off the bench to come to me, but the wheelchair and my heavily wrapped foot scared her. I reached down to feel her fur and tears began to fill my eyes as Saddi rested her head on my arm. We went over to an area where we all could sit and while Helen, Pat and Linda talked, Saddi jumped up on the bench where I could hold her against my chest and we just held each other. Over and over, I told her how much I love and miss her as she licked my face. The others were there, but all that mattered was Saddi and I were together. She kept pressing her body closer against me and I covered her face with kisses. But the visit had to come to an end, so we slowly returned to the lobby door, Pat pushing the wheelchair as I held Saddi's leash while she walked along side us, always looking over at me. I gave Helen and Pat a hug, thanking them for bringing Saddi to see me. And I lifted Saddi's front paws onto my lap so I could hold and kiss her again, promising I would be home soon. As Linda wheeled me back into the hospital, Saddi stood at the door barking and I burst into tears. Back in my room I said goodbye to Linda and I just laid in my bed the entire night crying while looking at Saddi's pictures and smelling my hands because of her scent lingering on me. Two days later I was released from the hospital, Helen and Pat brought me home. As we opened the door, Saddi jumped off the sofa and ran to me. I can't remember ever seeing her tail wag so fast as she pushed her body against my leg, almost pushing me over. Helen and Pat soon left, Saddi and I sat on the sofa, her head on my leg, my hand rubbing her belly. For the next several days, if I went to the bathroom, or to the kitchen to get something to drink, Saddi was right behind me. She would not allow me out of her sight. Even as I stood there going to the bathroom, she stood outside the door watching me.

(excerpts from 'the TRUTH prevails 'by Ric Berrong to be published in 2010)