i've had two real relationships in my life. The first with Jaye, lasted four years. During that time i took his physical and emotional abuse. Today, he continues going around telling people i abused him and that we only dated. Dated for four years while i cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills and took care of him during his darkest days with OCD. One day, during one of his violent outburst, he kicked SADDI and he just continued on. i should have kicked him out then, but i was so stupid and tried to work things out with him.
Today, i am legally married to Devon since June 29, 2014 and have been together since 2006. But things are getting questionable. When we were first together, while i was at work, he would meet men from online. He claims there was nothing sexual. Today he has "secret friends", because he feels it is healthy to have secrets from me, not realizing he is chipping away at the trust between us. This morning, i took $2.00 from his wallet as i was leaving for something to drink while i was in Tacoma ... Devon had asked for a day alone, so i was giving it to him. i found a receipt in his wallet for a rose and wrapping paper on a day he claimed to be going out to get thread. i wont say anything, even though it hurts deeply.
i realized a long time ago that i didn't truly deserve happiness in my life. Especially after i wasn't able to do anything for SADDI. i've accepted this truth, but it doesn't mean i understand it. Because of my failing heart, i know i wont be here much longer. i leave my thoughts and emotions here to be found after i am gone. All i can really say is my hurt and loneliness in life is deserved. Hopefully in death i will be reunited with SADDI and i can be happy forever.
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