March 8, 2015

This was not a good day.  The weather was amazing, as it has been this entire winter in Seattle, so i decided to go to the University of Washington to do some photography of the blooming cherry blossoms. Walking up the hill to get to the bus, my legs were weak and tight and because of my weakening heart, it seemed to take more of an effort.   By the time i reached the bus stop, i felt as if i had walked several miles.

i know my heart is dangerously unhealthy, but i refuse to allow that to stop me from the limited living i do.  My chest was hurting and i was walking slowly.  i know my life will be over soon, i'm not scared, just pissed at what a waste my life has been.

My depression is getting worse, not because of my health, but i just miss my SADDI so much.  i wonder when i die if i will see her again.  Hollywood has teased me into believing that there is something beyond this life.  i don't know.   If there is, all i want, or need, is to spend it with SADDI. 

February 28, 2015

Remembering SADDI on the 

19th anniversary of her birth

i love you so much SADDI

B L E S S E D

 Just a few weeks ago, over night, my eye sight became so bad i couldn't read anything on my computer or phone.  i had to buy a pair of those drug store magnify glasses to survive.   But now, my eye sight has returned to normal and the glasses are collecting dust in the closet. ... A few weeks ago i would nearly choke just taking a sip of coffee or a bite of anything.  Devon would have to run to get the trash can so i could throw up or get me a tissue to wipe away the flood of tears in my eyes.  This happening at home was bad enough, but going out in public and this happening was scary.  Now, everything goes down just fine.  ... A few weeks ago i couldn't lift my head when walking down the street, if i lifted my head i would loose my balance and even with the cane i would almost fall down.  Even standing in one place was difficult to keep my balance.  Well, the other day i felt confident enough to go without my cane and did pretty good. ... Almost two years ago they were ready to cut off my leg.  Today, there is hope to have the cast off completely in a few weeks after surgery. ... A few weeks ago i was unable to change my clothes without Devon's help.  Today i just let him help me because i know he likes to undress me. ... Two years ago i was coming down with pneumonia at least once a month, a couple of times i was hospitalized because it was so serious.  i would lay in the hospital bed scared believing this was the end, feeling hopeless.   Today, i am just scared because i feel so hopeful.   A few weeks ago, i had to stop about every ten feet trying to catch my breath or rest.  Yesterday i walked for almost three hours, stopping only to cross the street. ... My insurance doesn't cover my physical therapy, so i have had to do this all on my own.  It hasn't been easy, especially encouraging myself.  Today i started a three day fast to cleanse my body as i begin again. i honestly don't know what tomorrow will bring, or how many tomorrows i will have, but for the first time in a long time, i actually #believe there will be a tomorrow.  #CelebrateLife