:::sigh:::

The other night Devon was about to make himself some boxed pasta.  As he put milk with the water, I warned him about how the milk will cook fast and spill over.  With his too usual attitude, he said this wasn't the first time he had made pasta.

He put the pan on the stove and sat down, a few feet away, at his computer and put his ear phones on.   In just a couple of minutes, the water/milk began to boil and spilled over.  He jumped up and finished making his pasta, but cleaned up the mess before eating.

I said nothing.

When he sat down to eat, I was just looking at him and he yelled at me to shut up.   I had said nothing.   When I asked him what I had said, he yelled again for me to shut up and how he wished he lived alone.

When Devon gets upset about anything, he always takes it out on me in usually a very cruel way.   He started tossing around his ear phones and drawing tablet.  I told him to calm down.  I was told to shut up again.   I got myself up from the sofa and headed to the front door with my walker.   His chair was in my way, so I said 'excuse me'.  He violently moved the chair out of my way and I went to the front door.

Because I am needing to use a walker, it was a struggle to open the front door and get out to the porch.  I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair on the porch.

Sitting there thinking about why I put up with this shit over and over and over again.  It started to rain and it was cold.   After about an hour I got up and came back into the house.  Devon had turned off the lights and TV and went upstairs to bed.

The next day, he came downstairs and said nothing to me.  But he was getting ready to go to work (he told me the day before), but he wasn't dressed for work.  As he got something to drink, he asked if I needed anything before he left.   With my current situation, I can't make my own meals, coffee or even unload the dishwasher.  I told him I didn't want anything and then he left.

He didn't contact me all day and didn't come home (again).  He says he is staying with friends, people I have never met.  But every time he does this, it makes me even more insecure about our relationship.   He knows how I feel, it clearly doesn't bother him.  Nor does it bother him the cruel things he says in anger and never apologizes.

His friends, who have never met me, question why he is with me.  Wonderful of Devon too tell me this, knowing how much it would hurt me.  He has other friends, who he admits he uses in cases they can do something for him, who don't like me because I wont tolerate their lies or rudeness.

With Devon gone all day and into the night, I haven't ate anything all day.   It took me sometime to take chicken out of the freezer, my balance making me think I was going to fall.  But a sauce pan to boil the chicken was still in the dishwasher, which I can't reach or I would fall.  And the likely injuring myself and left to lay there on the floor.

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore.  A part of me truly just wants to die.  It's very difficult dealing with the recent amputation of my right leg and all the limits and struggles.   When Devon is loving, he is very loving.  But since this past summer, he has been increasing moody and I am the one he takes it out on.  He could leave me at anytime, I almost expect it sometimes.

This is no way to live.