i seriously doubt that anyone reads this blog, maybe after i am dead they will
Today Devon and i had a fight when he told me his mom would be coming back with him from China in December. The last time she stayed with us she was very disrespectful, not respecting she was a visitor in our home. Throwing away items that belonged to me, when i made it clear i wanted to keep them. Telling her over and over again, for four months, that she needed to wash her hands before and during cooking. i was dealing with an infection in my foot and her unclean practices always worried me. i tried to explain it to Devon, he said he told her, but he also said he told her other things, but later admitted he actually didn't, which caused a great deal of stress during her visit.
Well, Devon began yelling at me and doing what he likes to do by threatening he was going to leave me, he could easily go back to China and his ex never had a problem with Devon's parents (though Devon wasn't out to his parents at the time). Devon also reminded me how his friends and family question why he even stays with me (people that don't even know me or have proven every time they stay with us how disrespectful they are to me). Devon always sides with everyone else and he seems to take pleasure in hurting me by saying these things every time we have a fight.
i sat on the sofa, my hand covering my face as i cried, trying to remind myself that despite what he and his friends/family say, i'm a good person. But t wasn't working, so i went into the bathroom and sat in the dark, on the toilet, crying for about 3 hours.
The rest of the night was silent. No matter how many times he does this knowing how much it hurts me, how it echo's in my head when he isn't hear, he has never said he is sorry.
So i wrote this letter, which i wont give to him, because i know he doesn't care. But it's getting harder and harder to stay strong and want to stay on this earth.
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
i'm tired
i'm tired of being told how horrible i am
i'm tired of your friends/family saying how horrible i am
They don't even know me
Questioning why you are even with me
i'm tired of you always saying how you are going to leave me
My heart is very fragile ... physically and emotionally
It is not a toy
Please remember, during our time together i have never pressured you to get a job
To help us out
Your parents have done that
We have had hardships
But you have always had a roof over your head
Food in your belly
Unlimited respect and support and encouragement
And whenever possible extra cash
When you did get a very part-time job
i never asked for money to help with our bills/food
And you never offered
If i want to share something with you
i get attitude or just ignored
When you want to say something
i turn off the TV and give you my full attention
That's why when we go out
A movie
Or to get something to eat
i always let you decide
Because if i picked it and you weren't happy by my choice
Your attitude
The look on your face
Your silence
Said it all
i'm here for us
Faithfully devoted and in love with you
If it's not good enough for you
Or your friends
Or your family
Please let me know
But please stop hurting me
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