Happy Birthday SADDI
In the late hours of February 28, 1996 (almost a leap year baby), SADDI was born to a chow mommy, lab daddy. Today is the 20th anniversary.
i don't know what i did on that day and i didn't know it at the time, but my life was about to change.
In our 13.5 years together, i always took the day off from work to completely devote and share it with SADDI. Extra playtime in the park, a long walks through the city, chasing squirrels and sea gulls, cuddled together during a nap and of course a special dinner.
i miss my little girl so much. But because of SADDI, my life mission has been completely altered. My life now is honoring her memory, being of service to others With a message of hope and inspiration. And as SADDI taught me, seeing the beauty of life, even in simple joys (like silly SADDI going wild when i would kick pine cones past her).
i was so blessed to be rescued by SADDI To be loved by SADDI. To be taught by SADDI. To be protected by SADDI.
remembering SADDI
Devon went to NYC in early 2009 and brought back this hat for SADDI.
i assure you, SADDI was much more thrilled to see Devon again,
but not so much wearing the hat.
Waking Up Crying
i laid down for a Sunday afternoon nap, only to awaken about an hour later by the sound of my own voice screaming. i was dreaming that i was laying on the ground, crying for SADDI, like i did the days after she was taken from me. i awoke crying out for SADDI, my eyes filled with tears and feeling so alone. In the past, when i was crying because of life, SADDI would walk over to me, sit or lay down close to me. i'd fill my hands with her fur while giving her kisses, it made life feel okay again. Now, in these tears, i just feel how much i hate this life without SADDI.
i don't expect anyone to understand, the people in my life today, weren't there when it was just SADDI and i. No one can fully understand what SADDI and i went through together. SADDI was there when i moved out of a home i had lived in for 25 years, into a new life i honestly wasn't ready for. SADDI was there when my entire family turned their back on me (on my birthday). SADDI was there for me, when the person i was seeing at the the time was physically and emotional abusive towards me. When SADDI was brought to the hospital to visit me, she just cuddled up against me, with that beautiful smile of hers. After i returned from the weeks stay at the hospital, SADDI was there with me as i recovered at home. For a couple of weeks, SADDI followed me everywhere. i couldn't close the door even to go to the bathroom. She stood there, watching and waiting for me. When i went back to the sofa or to bed, SADDI was right there next to me.
And moments before SADDI left for the rainbow bridge, as the doctor was just about to give her the shot to free SADDI from the cancer, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. Yes, even in her last moment of life, she was taking care of me.
i don't know what happens after our time on earth comes to an end, i just hope that when it s my time, i will find myself safely and happily with the spirit of SADDI. If that is to be, look to the night sky, that star glowing brightly and beautifully, that will be us together again.
As we should be.
Squirrel Friend
i'd like to introduce to you my special squirrel friend, Niver. Like me, Niver has some issues. She (he?) is unable to stand on her back legs, to eat the treats i share, she has to lay down. If she tries to stand on her back legs, she falls over. It's also really difficult for her to make it up the steps, where i leave the treats on the porch (if i'm at the front door and she arrives i can toss treats down to her). Yesterday, she tried to climb up the steps, but because her balance is off, she feel back onto the walk way. She must have been embarrassed, because she quickly ran away and didn't come back until later in the day. When Niver walks, she leans to the right, making it difficult for her to walk straight. She use to be very unsure of me, but she's getting more comfort ... i guess she realizes i'm the one leaving all the goodies. (She, and the rest of my squirrel friends, love the cookies that i shouldn't eat).
The other squirrel friends aren't as nasty to Niver as they are to each other. It always breaks my heart when i see Niver struggling so much, but trying. Yesterday, she tried to jump onto a tree, but with her balance issues, she just couldn't do it.
As i sit there, at the front door, still unable to walk or live the life i once did, too often lonely and feeling sorry for myself, i see Niver struggling but still trying. i realize how pathetic i am feeling in my pity party. No matter the limits, i know i can to use Niver as an example of how i should be living ... by living. i can't allow a setback to define me or completely alter how i do and and especially how i see things.
My Reality 02/16/16
i don't like writing about my life anymore, i would rather ignore my reality.
Since the amputation of my right leg in late July 2015, i have been home bound. Only a few escapes to doctor appointments or going grocery shopping. Otherwise, i watch the hours waste by day by day. Devon has barely been around, either with his 'friends' for a few days, going to China for a month to visit his family and recently in San Francisco, for a month, helping other members of his family settle. To say it has been lonely is an extreme understatement.
i have a nurse who comes by twice a week for wound care. i seize the chance for human contact. Even if the February weather is chilly, i sit at the front door waiting for the mail. It's like the highlight of my day receiving outside communication ... though usually it's just bills. After that brief moment is over, i settle in for long hours of nothing.
Because i am only able to get around using a walker, i don't leave the house. i slide around in a chair when i am not sitting in front of the computer.
My over 30 year battle with depression has gotten worse. Daily i am thinking about suicide. Almost a fantasy of cutting my wrist and not being found until days later because there is no one in my life.
i miss my SADDI so much.
When i am seated at the front door, i'm feeding the squirrels that come visit me. At first they were unsure about me, now they wait for me to bring them treats. While sitting there watching them eating, i'll talk to them just to see if my voice still works. i think about how SADDI would so love these furry little visitors.
i've had the TV on 24/7, not really watching anything, just for noise.
When i get up on the walker, usually just to go to the bathroom, i have lost all my confidence after a few falls. As i lower my pants, i shake in fear of falling. And even pulling up my pants, leaning against the sink, i'm trying to balance myself. If i need to go to the pantry for something to eat, a distance of maybe 8 feet, hopping on my left leg causes a lot of stress and pain in my leg. Just simple tasks now that great effort for me.
The desire to wake up in the morning is lost. When i do open my eyes, my first thought is disappointment that i didn't die in my sleep.
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