Online, be it Facebook or Instagram, i always try to leave positive encouraging energy ... but in reality ... how i am truly feeling within can be found on this page that likely wont get read until after i am gone ... if at all.
After 8 months of being home bound due to the amputation wound setbacks in healing, there is hope of getting my prosthetic leg in the very near future. But i have had this hope before, having the leg for a couple of days and then the wound opening up again. So i am excited, but scared.
i get around the house scooting around in a chair because i don't feel safe just using my walker. My still good left leg, my knee is weak, so it is difficult for me to stay on it very long.
My days are spent usually alone. There are no true friends. i have sent out postcards, almost monthly, with a positive message. The energy doesn't come back to me, so i just have to embrace that i am sharing. But i have days when i really need something for myself. It may sound selfish, but i can't do this alone. Devon has gone on a few trips, leaving me alone several weeks at a time. He has 'friends' who he stays overnight with all the time. i don't know them and as far as i know he could be cheating on me. He knows how i feel ... but he keeps doing it.
Since we have been together (over 9 years), Devon has never worked. We have put money into his fashion business and fashion shows, with no profit. All the bills, rent and caring for the house are on me. If i ask him to do something (take out the trash), i usually get an attitude or have to remind him again. That is if he is paying attention to me at all. When he is home, he sits at the computer with his earphones on. But when he wants something, all attention needs to come to him.
i hate being within my own thoughts. i am my own worse enemy. When i had my real leg, even when it was in a cast, i was able to get out and escape from my reality. Just walking through nature gave me moments of peace ... i miss that so much. Looking at my past pictures, i wondered if i would ever be able to get out again ... beyond the view of my porch.
Now it might be possible. We'll see. But again, how much time do i have remaining?
March 29, 2016
1 comment:
"i hate being within my own thoughts."
Wow... that's certainly a familiar concept...
I don't remember the first time it occurred to me that my brain was trying to kill me, but it's happened lots of times since then. Nowadays I won't turn my back on my brain, even for a moment. Zero trust there.
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