S A D D I
In March of 2003, i was blindsided when i was laid off from job. i was in total shock. i went home, numb. When i opened the door, SADDI greeted, as usual, with excitement, love and devotion ... totally unaware of the emotions i was feeling (lost, confused, uncertain). i remember putting on her leash and we started for a long walk to the waterfront. During our walk, SADDI found joy in playing with a stick. Having freshly cut grass tossed in her face. Running in circles around me. As we walked, SADDI must have sensed something, i remember so clearly her looking up at me with such beautiful of love in her eyes. When we got down to the waterfront, on a beautiful early day spring, SADDI sat next to me on the bench, leaning her body against mine. i stared at the waves of the Willamette river, SADDI looking around at all the doggies taking their humans for walks. In that moment, i realized, it was going to be okay. i had the great love of SADDI, my best friend, to remind me that the only thing that truly matter was what we had together. i wrapped my arms around her, she allowed me to give her a hug and kiss in public (something rare) and i thanked SADDI. We sat there for a long time, in silence, but if someone passed by us, they knew the beauty of our bond.
Today, without SADDI to hold for nearly 8 years, i still talk to her and i thank her daily for allowing me the honor of knowing complete love, friendship and faithful devotion.
S A D D I
Rose Festival time is approaching in Portland, even though i distance my memories of Portland, i have my cherished memories with my best friend SADDI.
The Budweiser Clydesdale were being housed at Pioneer Square, in the heart of downtown. SADDI and i were taking one of our long walks and even though we were a couple of blocks away from the Square, she could smell them. SADDI never weighed more than 45 pounds, but she was strong. She started nearly running, her nose in the air smelling the horsey's.
When we got to the Square, i picked her up and carried her into the tent were several of the horses were. Gigantic creatures. SADDI had her big beautiful smile, but was frozen in awe as we walked past each horse. She seriously didn't move.
As we exited the tent, SADDI shakes off and comes back into reality. Still smiling, and looking back at where the horses were. We continued in our walk, SADDI with a bit more of a spring in her walk and still smiling.
i miss her so much. This was like a child so excited to see Santa and then when confronted with him, becomes so shy.
S A D D I
SADDI, unlikely many doggies, was relaxed during thunderstorms or fireworks. Actually whenever there were loud noises, SADDI would just cuddle closer to me. She wasn't shaking or nervous, she just sought comfort next to her rici. And i did the same when life was uncertain or cruel. i would just cuddle next to SADDI, rubbing her soft belly, and i felt assured and confident. i really miss that feeling. i really miss my silly little beautiful SADDI.
Mother's Day Message
Not everyone celebrates Mothers Day and the way the media pushing it upon us can bring back a lot of painful memories. i had "parents" who were too immature to be parents, they just hooked up for sex. When they learned their night of casual sex created a pregnancy, they got married a few months before i was born. They were divorced before i was 2 years old. Neither of my "parents" were role models.
In this picture is my grandmother Alpha. She raised me for my first 6 years. My memories are few, but knowing she loved me remains strong within me. i remember visiting her in the hospital, before she died of cancer in 1968. i remember she kissed me on the forehead and looking into her eyes as she told me she loved me. That was the last time i saw her.
My "mother" reconnected with my step-father, after over 25 years. A man, who when he left in 1972, filled his pick up with as much material items as he could. As well as leaving unpaid bills, photo's and home movies from my youth. When asked during the divorce to at least return the photo's and home movies, he did so ... but cut them cut them all up, even the negatives, into tiny pieces. (This is the only picture i have of my grandmother and i).
When my "mom" decided to go with this excuse of a man, she had boxes of my personal items stored in her home. She donated to charity and gave me a small box of tax returns. i have not spoken to her since 2000 ... i honestly don't even know if she is alive (and i don't care)
So i will celebrate for those who had positive role models as parents ... but i will also try to ignore this day that has no meaning in my life.
A Day of Reflection
On the 21st anniversary of SADDI picking me,
i went down to Alki beach to enjoy the warm sunshine ...
while cherishing my memories and enjoying the celebration of life
S A D D I
21 years ago, i was rescued. i tell this story every May 10, and i hope it will linger long after i am gone.
It had been a dry hot spring in Portland. A family friend had just lost her dog and saw a posting at her local vet that someone was giving away chow/lab puppies. She knew that i had been thinking about entering another dog into my life, it had been 8 years since. So she asked me to go, but i insisted that i was sure i wasn't ready.
We got to the house, the mama dog was barking at us. Out of a litter of 9, only 3 were still available. The owners opened the front door and 2 puppies rushed out of the house, chasing one another around the yard. Completely ignoring the humans who came to see them. Just as the screen door was about to close, a small black ball of fur walked out. Made her way down the steps of the porch and crossed the yard. Her brother and sister still running around. Creating a low dust cloud from the dry dirt. But this little puppy didn't care and walked directly over to me. She sat on my foot and put her head on my leg, looking up at me. Our family friend encouraged me to pick her up, but again i insisted i wasn't ready. After some hesitation, i bent down and lifted her up. She instant snuggled her head against my neck and at that moment i knew that the choice was made ... she picked me.
For months, i already knew her name would be Saisar (to seize in French). But i couldn't see myself calling out that name at a park, so her middle name became SADDI.
On the ride home, she sat next to me, leaning her tiny body against mine. She got sick from her first car ride. But when we got home, she was ready to explore her new big yard. i chased her around the yard, tickled her and just let her get use to her new home.
She had never had a bath since she was born, so i took her inside and placed her in the kitchen sink. Once i turned on the water, she stood up on her back legs, digging her sharp front paw nails into my chest, as i washed her. She cried and wanted out of the water as quickly as possible. When we finished, i got a white towel to dry her off. But she was scared of it, so i had to get a blue towel.
i decided to take my own shower, so i closed the door and began showering. SADDI stood outside the bathroom door crying so loudly. Wet, i stepped out of the shower, opened the door and she sat there, calmly, watching me shower. That night, i laid down to sleep. SADDI sat at the end of the bed crying. i told her to come up, because this was her bed now. She jumped up onto the bed, gave me a kiss and then laid down on the pillow next to my head.
This was the beginning of our 13.5 years together. i miss her so much. A day never passes that i don't cry because my heart is so broken that she is not here. But i smile, often, during the days thinking of her.
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