S A D D I
New Years eve 2002. Family had not talked to me in over 4 years because i had finally accepted my truth. True friends were no where to be found, which proved there were no true friends. i laid on the love seat, tears rolling down my face like a waterfall. Holding a sharp knife against my wrist, while Dick Clark's rockin' eve show played on the TV in the background. Questioning my reason for living, my purpose and would anyone even miss me if i was gone. As i pressed the knife against my skin, SADDI walked out of the bedroom. Stood in the doorway looking at me. Walked over, licked my face. Looked at me briefly before returning to the bed. At that moment i realized my reality. i realized everything that i ever needed was already in my life. Before the new year came in, i wiped off my face, put the knife in the sink and went into the bedroom and laid down next to SADDI. As i covered the two of us in a blanket, she shifted her body so she was cuddled tightly against me, laid her head on my arm and i felt as though everything was going to be better in the new year. i didn't need a family that betrayed me or false friends, my truth was a little black doggie who loved me more than i would ever know was possible. Though SADDI has been gone for over 8 years now, because of her, i know my purpose for this life. To celebrate life, cherish the simple things in life and give unselfishly to others.
Seeking Shelter
My spoiled squirrel friend
likes to sit in the doorway,
when it's raining,
to eat her treats.
Hiding from the Other Squirrels
It breaks my heart that sometimes my Special needs squirrel friend will take a treat and the run to a corner to eat it. The other squirrels are too often cruel to her, so she has to protect what food she does get. That’s why i’m happy to hand feed her on sit in the cold on the front porch, where it’s just the two of us and she can get as much food as she wants ... all to herself.
S A D D I
11 years ago today, a new chapter began in our lives. Devon arrived from China to share the life with SADDI and her rici. On the way from the airport to the house, Devon was concerned that maybe SADDI wouldn't like him. i wasn't worried. And as soon as we opened the door, SADDI greeted Devon with love ... knowing she had someone else to spoil her. And he did.
My Special Friend
Because the other squirrels bully her on the back porch, my special needs squirrel friend meets me on the front porch to get treats. She usually sits next to me and eats. She knows i’ll protect her from the bullies.
Another christmas Gone
Emotionally, i made it through another christmas ... barely. Though i think of SADDI every moment of every day, the holidays are always difficult. After my families betrayal and before Devon, it was just SADDI and i. i always remember that one chilly christmas morning when SADDI and i walked the 3 miles to the post office and back through downtown. The city was so quiet, more so than usual in Portland. SADDI wearing her scarf and having the freedom to walk just about anywhere for as long as she wanted. SADDI loved to explore. And sniff every few steps. By the time we finished our walk, SADDI was ready to be wrapped in a blanket, cuddled with her rici, for a long winters nap. When we awoke, i fixed SADDI a special warm dinner, while i had an egg sandwich. After dinner, we sat on the sofa together watching It's A Wonderful Life. These memories, simple to some, are what hold my broken heart together.
S A D D I
Christmas 2006, SADDI wanting to open presents, but on this year, we had to wait to celebrate the holiday until Devon arrived from China, so we could begin our life together.
S A D D I
The alarm would go off and SADDI would cuddle even closer. It was always difficult to get up and begin the day when i felt so safe and loved with SADDI next to me. The cold days of winter were worse, wrapped under a blanket, shared with SADDI.
My Spoiled Squirrel Friends
i usually post a video of my silly nature friends. Today, just a photo with a story. This is my special needs squirrel friend who always gets bullied by the other squirrels. And this is what i see if i am late with their morning feeding. Most days, i'll have a couple of squirrels standing on their back legs, trying to look into the house, waiting for me. This day, my special lil friend, sitting there, shaking because of her disability, waiting for me. As soon as i opened the sliding door, she walked into house and waited under the sofa (next to the door) until i tossed out some treats onto the patio. Casually she walked back outside, grabbed a peanut and struggled to get into the plants where she can eat in privacy while the other squirrels rushed around grabbing a nut, or even two, in their small mouths and running around to hide them. Even though it's bitterly cold, i stay, with the door open, waiting for her to finish one shelled peanut so i can ensure she gets another one without the other squirrels harassing her. They still chase her and she really struggles to run away, often rolling over because she can't keep her balance, but she keeps the peanut in her mouth. Some days, while she hides in the plants eating her treats and another squirrel walks over to see what she has, i'll hear a nasty, but cute, hiss. She really tries not to let the other squirrels bother her, especially when she is eating.
S A D D I
Shouldn't You Be In Bed Mr. Raccoon
It always gives me a warm feeling when i open the sliding door and all my little nature friends coming running for the treats i have to share. Even a raccoon who should have already been in bed. All the squirrels and birds watch from the trees, waiting for that fluffy big raccoon to leave before they come down to eat.
S A D D I
i deal with my depression and overwhelming guilt about all my life regrets, alone. Or so i thought. Last night, as i struggled with reality, i wrapped myself in a warm blanket, that always reminds me of the feeling of rubbing SADDI's soft belly, and drifted off to sleep. Throughout the night, SADDI came to visit me in my dreams. To comfort me and protect me from myself. i was dreaming of SADDI allowing me to kiss her in public (at home it was fine, but rarely in public). i was dreaming of SADDI cuddled so close to me, i couldn't move, except to rub her belly as she softly snored. And my dreams had SADDI barking at me, as she always did when i came home from work, as if to tell me how difficult her day was without me. i cherish these dreams so much, i wont mind when i am sent into an endless sleep of dreams.
S A D D I
SADDI loved the snow. Me, not so much. But because it made SADDI so happy, we took long walks during snow storms and stayed in the park to play for long periods. SADDI always wanted more. SADDI loved to have small snowballs tossed at her, as she attempted to catch them in her mouth. Her soft thick black fur would be soaked with snow, but she would just shake it off and play some more.
S A D D I
My first thought when i awoke this morning was taking SADDI out for a walk on this early wet day. And then bringing her home, where SADDI would stand just inside the door, waiting for me to get a towel and dry her off. (SADDI hated getting or being wet) Then she would jump up on the bed, where i would wrap a blanket around her. SADDI has been gone for over 8 years and still my first thought is her. Words can never truly express how very much i miss her and out life.
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