Memories of SADDI
SADDI watching as Devon goes after the mail.
Even though she could watch him the entire time,
when he came back into the house she would 'yell' at him for leaving.
January 9, 2016
It's going on 6 months since i have basically been held captive in my home because the wound from the amputation isn't healing so i can get my leg back.
My days pass by uneventfully. i've gained weight since i'm unable to move around very well. i live in fear that i am going to fall again. i'm so lonely. And my depression has such a tight hold on me, i'm honestly ready to let go of life.
i question everything, but rarely in a positive way.
My days pass by uneventfully. i've gained weight since i'm unable to move around very well. i live in fear that i am going to fall again. i'm so lonely. And my depression has such a tight hold on me, i'm honestly ready to let go of life.
i question everything, but rarely in a positive way.
Damn Him
Devon sent me a message at 1:00am Monday morning saying he wasn't coming back home from China until February 22. i was devastated because i miss him so much. i was so depressed, i couldn't go back to sleep. i finally took a deep long nap around 5:00pm. My fone rang around 10:00pm and it was Devon saying there was a package for me at the front door and they kept calling him. My husband came back. i finally got my New Years kiss and a wonderful late holiday gift. Happy home tonight.
S U C C E S S
"Success is liking yourself,
liking what you do,
and liking how you do it."
Maya Angelou
:::SIGH:::
In 2015, mostly because of my health, Devon spent a lot of time way from home saying he was with 'friends'. Even on my birthday, he spent time with them.
Devon left for China on December 2 for what i thought was a month visit back home. A difficult time for me as i am still recovering from my leg amputation. Getting around the house with a walker or scooting myself across the floor in a chair. i'm basically stuck in a 8 foot area of the house and i sit inside the doorway to look outside. My life since late July has been in the hospital, an adult rehab and home. i have only been able to leave for doctor appointments and grocery shopping. Otherwise, i am home alone, on the computer, watching crap TV and questioning if i truly want to stay in this life or not.
i received a message from Devon saying he wasn't going to be coming back now until February 22. i'm devastated. i received the message around 1am (5pm China time). i have been awake ever since.
Since last year, i have felt so alone in this marriage, alone in this struggle with my health and just alone in life. The only people i see or hear from are the nurse who comes over twice a week to care for my wound and our neighbor, Anne, who brings over the mail. Despite my efforts to be a friend to others, no one visits or calls or offers to help. Of course, my family has been out of my life since 1998.
In the past, with my battles with depression, i looked to food to comfort my sadness. Which is why i no longer have a right leg, congestive heart failure and diabetes. All my life i have been weak. Unwilling to push myself. Unable to believe in myself.
i don't know how much longer i have in this life. i realize that in reality, i am alone. The memory of SADDI i will always cling to and hold onto the regret that i did not give her a better life and because of my failures, i am to blame for her dying of cancer.
This moment. This day (January 4, 2016) i am finally going to be the person i should have been long ago. No more wasted hours in front of the computer or the TV.
When Devon returns in over a month, i hope to finally be walking with my new leg. Have lost enough weight it is visible. And i am emotionally strong enough he'll want to be with me ... truly be in this marriage.
Yes, i love him. But i don't want to be alone or always questioning if he loves me and wants to stay with me.
i watched my mother go through three marriages and several relationships with ex-cons and losers. Not a role model for relationships as i grew up. People in this world marry and divorce so easily. The gay community is not well known for long term relationships (but there are some that do inspire me). i want to be one of those that inspires others. But i know i can't do it alone.
But i can change myself alone. Mainly for me. Hopefully it will attract others towards me. i'm tired of being alone in life. i'm tired of being me, who i never wanted to be. i'm tired of talking about changing and then a day or two later i'm back to my pathetic self.
D E A T H
For as long as i can remember, i have been obsessed with death.
i was maybe around 9 years old and recall asking a magic 8 ball if i would live past 30 ... that answer was 'no'. That stuck with me through my life and as i grew closer to 30, i just expected the worse.
After 30, like most of my life, my days and nights were wasted. While others my age were dating and going out having fun, i was working in a dead end job and then going home watching TV eating junk food.
When Scruffy died in 1983, i went into a deep depression that i have never quite recovered from. i was afraid to accept myself for being gay, so when i finally did, i thought i had my families support. Only to have them betray me about a year later (my birthday June 20, 1998 ... i haven't heard from them since). i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, often times i wanted to kill myself.
New Years eve 2001, after i found the courage to kick the abuser out of my life, i laid on the sofa, crying heavily, with a knife in my hand. i felt so alone and just wanted to die. And then SADDI walked out of the bedroom, looked at me, gave me a kiss and went back into the bedroom.
i realized then, i wasn't alone. The next day, the new year, things began to change. SADDI and i took long walks everyday. i began losing weight, and though human lonely, i was feeling good.
But somewhere i go lost again.
Then Devon entered our life in 2006, i felt hope again. Despite the many failings with my health due to the diabetes. i had SADDI and Devon who loved me so much.
2009, as SADDI got sick with cancer and then was gone on August 9, i lost all hope again. i tried to be strong for Devon, but in truth, all i wanted was to be with SADDI again.
2015 was a year i will not look back upon at all. i lost my leg because of the diabetes and Devon was gone a lot with his 'friends', he never wanted me to meet. (Leaving my mind to question everything) Except for his birthday, i spent every other holiday alone. Even my birthday. Devon went back to China to visit his family during Christmas and New Years. Because of setbacks with my amputation, i was without a leg and unable to go anywhere. People calling themselves friends, were nowhere. i spent the holidays crying. Wishing to die.
The Robin Williams movie 'What Dreams May Come' are how i look upon life. That suicides go somewhere else and all i want is to be with SADDI again. i'm sure after we die, there is nothing. Like a deep sleep. But i want to believe that SADDI and i will walk and play again.
So, despite my life, as i know it now, is so empty, i must wake up each day and hope something will happen that will encourage and inspire me.
i have also come to the reality that i do not care if i am remembered in life or death. i live today to honor SADDI and make her name and meaning everlasting. ric berrong is gone, long forgotten. Long live
SAISARunlimited
Rest in Peace Natalie Cole
i use to sing this song to SADDI all the time
i awoke on 01/01/16 to learn Natalie Cole had died
She was 65 years old
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
