S A D D I
When SADDI and i moved into a small apartment in downtown Portland, October 1997, we would spend on weekends on long walks. A Saturday market had just opened at the nearby college, so we went up there, as we often did during the week. i was shocked how crowded it was, so much so, i worried about SADDI with all the people not paying attention where they were walking. So i picked her up, cradled her in my arms, and we walked around the market like that. Often being stopped with comments about how beautiful SADDI is, how spoiled she is and how much i loved her to do this. SADDI thrived with all the attention.
Heart Failure
Studies say that 50% of people diagnosed with heart failure die within 5 years. This August, it will be 4 years since i have been diagnosed. The depression, stress and loneliness within my life and the fact i am getting very little exercise without still not having my new leg, i am confident i will be part of the 50%.
i have accepted my fate and i know there are still things i need to complete before such a time. Sleep almost seems like a waste of precious time. My efforts to spread a message of inspiration and hope came at a time when the world is cracking away with hate and negatives. But there are still things i want to share and hope will be heard. Maybe not today, but in the future they will be embraced.
None of us know exactly when our time within this earthly form will come to an end. And no one knows what happens after our time here. Few will be remembered weeks after they are gone. While a select handful will be remembered always. Time will alter their true contribution, but the idea of them and what they gave of themselves will always have an impact.
i have always said that i do not care if i am remembered. My goal in my remaining moments here is to ensure the power of SADDI is shared and celebrated. i want our love story, our beautiful bond to be one of inspiration. That is my mission now, to tell the story of how SADDI altered my life and heart. With hope that others will be able to find themselves and give so unselfishly as SADDI.
Though my heart is expected to fade, i truly hope the love that was given to me that fulfilled my heart and life, will never fade.
We each have a purpose in life. Some will know how they changed lives, others will not. As a messenger, i do not expect to know if my message reached anyone. i'm at peace with that. To know i have been loved and i learned to love, that is all i need to know.
So when i close my eyes for the final time, i will do so peacefully and gratefully, despite a life of many regrets. i was blessed to know the meaning of love.
Happy Birthday SADDI
In the late hours of February 28, 1996 (almost a leap year baby), SADDI was born to a chow mommy, lab daddy. Today is the 20th anniversary.
i don't know what i did on that day and i didn't know it at the time, but my life was about to change.
In our 13.5 years together, i always took the day off from work to completely devote and share it with SADDI. Extra playtime in the park, a long walks through the city, chasing squirrels and sea gulls, cuddled together during a nap and of course a special dinner.
i miss my little girl so much. But because of SADDI, my life mission has been completely altered. My life now is honoring her memory, being of service to others With a message of hope and inspiration. And as SADDI taught me, seeing the beauty of life, even in simple joys (like silly SADDI going wild when i would kick pine cones past her).
i was so blessed to be rescued by SADDI To be loved by SADDI. To be taught by SADDI. To be protected by SADDI.
remembering SADDI
Devon went to NYC in early 2009 and brought back this hat for SADDI.
i assure you, SADDI was much more thrilled to see Devon again,
but not so much wearing the hat.
Waking Up Crying
i laid down for a Sunday afternoon nap, only to awaken about an hour later by the sound of my own voice screaming. i was dreaming that i was laying on the ground, crying for SADDI, like i did the days after she was taken from me. i awoke crying out for SADDI, my eyes filled with tears and feeling so alone. In the past, when i was crying because of life, SADDI would walk over to me, sit or lay down close to me. i'd fill my hands with her fur while giving her kisses, it made life feel okay again. Now, in these tears, i just feel how much i hate this life without SADDI.
i don't expect anyone to understand, the people in my life today, weren't there when it was just SADDI and i. No one can fully understand what SADDI and i went through together. SADDI was there when i moved out of a home i had lived in for 25 years, into a new life i honestly wasn't ready for. SADDI was there when my entire family turned their back on me (on my birthday). SADDI was there for me, when the person i was seeing at the the time was physically and emotional abusive towards me. When SADDI was brought to the hospital to visit me, she just cuddled up against me, with that beautiful smile of hers. After i returned from the weeks stay at the hospital, SADDI was there with me as i recovered at home. For a couple of weeks, SADDI followed me everywhere. i couldn't close the door even to go to the bathroom. She stood there, watching and waiting for me. When i went back to the sofa or to bed, SADDI was right there next to me.
And moments before SADDI left for the rainbow bridge, as the doctor was just about to give her the shot to free SADDI from the cancer, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. Yes, even in her last moment of life, she was taking care of me.
i don't know what happens after our time on earth comes to an end, i just hope that when it s my time, i will find myself safely and happily with the spirit of SADDI. If that is to be, look to the night sky, that star glowing brightly and beautifully, that will be us together again.
As we should be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
