... awakenings ...

"awakening to the sun shining on my face, passing through the tree's and curtain. sunday, just another day on this journey through life. awakening and my very first thought is of the love that i miss so much. tears quietly falling down my face, no one hears them, no one see's them, some believing i shouldn't even have them anymore. awakening to the reality that people change, that even the best of friends are not always going to be the friends i need. releasing too much from this life. awakening to the soft warm blanket my husband covered me with after i fell asleep on the sofa again. not ready to get up, but needing that fresh cup of hot coffee to give a boost to my sunday morning. awakening to the reminders of what still needs to be done, but knowing on this day it will be set aside until tomorrow. somedays there just needs to be that escape from too many realities and embrace ones selfish sinful pleasures and unhealthy desires. awakening, remembering, struggling, smiling, crying, feeling and just trying to be what is left inside of me. i'll listen to the birds singing as they munch on the seeds i left out for them. i'll watch the bright colorful flowers and thick green grass grow. i'll acknowledge that life moves on, though i wont fully accept it. for no matter the amount of time that passes, and already it has been too much, awakening to each new day without the love, laughter, friendship and beauty, will never fully be a true life again. awakening and trying each day to remember what it feels like to live again."

ric berrong

... my beautiful SADDI, i love you so much ...

... my sweet SADDI, i miss you so much ...

~S~A~D~D~I~

Of course SADDI always loved the attention, but as we took

these pictures she really wasn't into it as we sat on the front porch

and there were so many other people passing by getting her attention.

For a long time, this was the only piece of furniture we had, a uncomfortable red chair. Devon usually sat on a large pillow on the floor, shared with SADDI. While i needed the chair for easier access to get up and down. But from time to time, i was forced to sit on the floor because SADDI's comfort was always much more important. Devon is standing over SADDI, allowing his once long hair to be a wig for her. A look often given by SADDI pretty much says it all; 'take your silly pictures quickly and then leave me alone or make sure I get some special treats'.

One of my favorite days ever because of all the beautiful pictures we took of SADDI and with SADDI. Today, i rarely even use my camera anymore. The last time i did, it was so dusty.We wanted to take some 'family' pictures, so SADDI unhappily received a bath and then we sat out on the back porch to capture the evening sun. SADDI, happily, sat on my lap as Devon took several pictures and later sat next to us for several complete family photographs.

~S~A~D~D~I~

I LOVE YOU

I MISS YOU

I NEED YOU

~~~happy~~~birthday~~~SADDI~~~

Sunday, February 28 we will celebrate the 14th anniversary of your birth. Like everyday since you were taken from us, the day will be filled with tears, memories, missing and loving you. Oh SADDI, you are the greatest blessing of my entire life, the fulfillment of my heart and i thank you so very much for your friendship, devotion, love and all the laughter you have filled my now broken heart with. i love you. i miss you. And i celebrate and honor you.

... SADDI, my love ...

i would give anything to be with you now

i miss you so very much, baby girl

life has lost its meaning and purpose without you here

i celebrate you

i love you so very much

now, i live just to be with you again

~~~S~~~A~~~D~~~D~~~I~~~

i feel so alone on this earth without you

~S~A~D~D~I~

... i love you SADDI ...

... i miss you SADDI ...

... i need you SADDI ...

It has been six months since you were taken

from me and i am surprised i have lasted this

long. i cry all day because life is so empty

without you. People don't understand, or

seem to care, how much we mean to one

another and have easily distanced themselves

from me. Even one 'friend' said she had to

pull away from me to protect her heart, while

mine is completely shattered without you.

i think of you and the many memories you share

with me and i can smile with tears falling from my

eyes. i am so truly blessed to love and celebrate

you. Had it not been for you, i would have given

up on this cruel world a very long time ago. And

though i struggle with each day without you, i know

that i cannot given up on life until i have shared

our beautiful love story. To tell the world about you,

why i love you so much and to hopefully teach

humans what it means to be a true friend, as you

have always been to me. The people who have entered

our life, in your life and now, have always failed us

with their cruelty, selfishness and their lack of

compassion. Humans need to learn from you.

As you taught me to be a better human.

i don't know where you have been these past six months.

Many times i have felt you near me. Felt you looking at me.

i've even felt you laying next to me. When i talk aloud to you,

when the house is quiet and lonely, either i am going crazy or

you are speaking to me. when i say ' i love you SADDI', i

always hear "I love you too Rici". And though in life you

weren't able to speak words to me, your actions and looks

always told me how much you love me. Oh SADDI, i miss

you so very much. i will live each remaining day i have on

this ugly earth honoring you, but the truth is, i want nothing

more than to be with you. With you i was always safe, always

know i was loved and even when things weren't going well,

with you i was always happy. i want to be happy again SADDI.

But that wont happen until i am with you again.

... memories ...

In 2002, i decided to run for an open Portland City Council seat, basically because i was bored, lonely and sought a new direction within my life. i ran spending just under $500, in a field of 15 other candidates. The day that i filed, i received a phone call from Portland's GLBTQ newspaper, Just Out, asking if i had planned to run as an openly gay man. Actually, i hadn't thought of it, but figured with 15 other people running for the same position it wouldn't hurt and might give me an added edge for publicity. Just Out decided to do a story on me, which i was very proud of. You'll notice the photo from the story, SADDI is wearing a sign i had made for her. Every weekend, during the election season, we would walk for miles through the streets of Portland, with SADDI wearing the sign. She loved the long walks. She loved being with me. And SADDI loved all the attention she received (deservingly so) while i was basically ignored. i did poorly in the election, but i so cherish these memories of SADDI and i out trying to ensure that 'one voice CAN make a difference'.

... remembering my SADDI ...

about 6 months old playing in the yard ...

okay, she is posing for me and looking so adorable.

i fell in love with SADDI the second i saw he

r

...r...e...a...l...i...t...y...

i honestly do not know how much longer i can hold on. i miss SADDI so much and i feel so alone in this life without her. Devon has his new friends and his artwork is really beginning to receive the acknowledgement it deserves. my friends don't seem to be around since SADDI was taken from me, 5 months ago tonight. This reality of mine is too overwhelming and i truly just want to be with SADDI, but i worry if i try to kill myself that i wont be allowed to be with SADDI. Maybe suicides, like in the movie 'What Dreams May Come', go to a different place after they die. It is difficult for me to be without SADDI in this world, the idea that after i die i still wont be with her would be hell. i miss SADDI so much. Even when friends were busy or distant, SADDI and i always had each other. The best times in my life are the days and years that it was only SADDI and i. Though i tried to leave the door open for others to join us, more times than not, we were used and abused. i regret leaving that door open, as it was so much better just the two of us. Without SADDI now, it is just me and i really cannot handle this much longer. It just hurts so much.

SADDI, you are the love of my life and i owe you so much. i have made a promise to honor and celebrate your life and our beautiful love story. i am trying baby girl, i am trying, but surviving without you is so difficult for me. No one understands, or seems to care, how much i struggle everyday without you. i am trying SADDI, i am trying, i do not want to fail you again. i love YOU. i miss YOU so much. i need YOU SADDI.

A New Year is about to arrive, more days without the love of my life. 2009 will be remembered for many things, but i shall carry the weight of my beautiful SADDI being taken from me. i am truly so very much in love with SADDI and i smile often thinking of her. Her attitude, her silly ways and her love and devotion for me. What an honor to be so loved and what a blessing to love her so very much. 2009 showed me the limits of friendship that i truly have in my life. It was when i needed people the most that they weren't there for me. So, in this New Year, i am going to protect myself by being more to myself. My energy and attention solely devoted to honoring SADDI with the SAISAR unlimited foundation to help raise money for those struggling with vet bills. No one deserves to suffer, as SADDI did, because of the cruel belittling treatment we received from Dove Lewis and St. John's Animal Clinic. And the truth will prevail with my book 'the TRUTH prevails', sharing the beautiful love story shared by SADDI and i. We went through so much in our 13 1/2 years together, i never would have survived if it weren't for SADDI. Today, i am barely surviving, but i am doing so for SADDI. But nothing will make me happier than being with SADDI again... ... ...

Merry Christmas SADDI

SADDI, my love

i miss you so very much. Loving you, being loved by you, is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. YOU made me a better human, i just wish more people knew you so they also could have been bettered by you. As difficult as everyday without you is, until the day i am happily reunited with you, i know i must honor your life and who you are. i am hurting so much SADDI, i need you here to comfort me. i need you here. Where ever you are SADDI, i truly hope you know how very much you are loved, missed and what a true blessing you are to me, Devon and those you respectfully honor you. Merry Christmas my sweet beautiful baby girl.

_S_A_D_D_I_

I awoke the other day with these scratches on my face and no idea where they came from. Then I came to realize it was a sign from SADDI. When we would play or I would blow in her face too much, SADDI would gently lift her paw to hit at me. Since her nails were so long, she would sometimes scratch my face or arm, not meaning to, just playfully hitting at me. I see these scratches as a sign from SADDI, a much needed one, that she is still with me. I miss SADDI so very much.

... the power of SADDI ...

There is a certain cruel peace within my heart. In one day, August 9, my best friend, the love of my life and my inspiration for love and happiness was taken from me. My heart and life completely shattered. Everything I knew, everything that gave me hope, everything that gave me comfort was now out of focus. But at the same time, the very special bond that SADDI and I share has given me a comfort in these many days since she was taken. Of course I still fall apart and cry often, but I feel a sense of protection still by SADDI. It is difficult to explain, more difficult for most to understand, because they have yet to be honored to have found their soulmate as I have in SADDI. With her gone now, I know my life, nor I, will ever be the same again. I wish people could just understand that and stop expecting me to easily jump out of this depression. I wish people could stop being so cruel and encouraging me to go out and get another 'dog' as if SADDI's life didn't matter and I could exchange my emotions so easily. It's not going to happen and it is likely never going to happen. I miss SADDI so much. We shared and went through so much together, no one knows how much hell we struggled through, but always had one another to make everything feel safe and ensured that hope stayed alive. I miss that feeling now that SADDI isn't here to cuddle with. But at the same time, as I attempt to pick up the billions of pieces from my broken heart, I can still feel SADDI, because of who she made me. Our love didn't die on August 9 and it never shall. I know when my time comes, I will be lifted to the stars and reunited with SADDI once again. When that day arrives and you hear of my own passing, look up into the night sky and you shall see the most amazingly bright star, because one will have become two again. I wish everyone knew this kind of fulfillment of love, truth and friendship within their own life and heart. I wish everyone had the honor of knowing SADDI because for me it is the greatest thing that ever happen to me. I love, celebrate, honor and miss you so very much SADDI. Thank you for making me and my life so much more beautiful.

missing my SADDI so much

:::S:::I:::G:::H:::

I miss you so very much SADDI

People have moved on with their grief and support over SADDI's death on August 9, 2009, but it is still very much with me every moment of each day. I cannot step out of my depression and start dancing around in enjoyment of life as many want me to do. Don't "wallow" in your depression I was told by someone who should know better. Why? Am I not allowed to feel my emotions? Excuse me, but the love of my life, my baby girl, died in my arms, should I not be depressed? Should I not feel an overwhelming emotion of sadness over SADDI's death? Of course I am honored and blessed to have 13 1/2 very special years with her, but I want and need more. I am just shocked at how cruel people can be in what they say or how they believe I should be feeling. People have moved on with their lives, but a huge piece of my own life was taken from me, please allow me to feel that emptiness. Please allow me my emotions. I miss SADDI. I love her so very much. To not have her actually here is so difficult for me to accept and handle. SADDI will forever be my lives inspiration, but having her here always made me feel safe, protected and so loved. People don't understand because they have not experienced the beautiful love in their own life that SADDI and I share. All I can do is distance myself from those who thrust their careless comments at me and focus on honoring SADDI's life and looking forward to the day when I am finally and happily reunited with her.

... ... ...

My Dearest SADDI ... ... ...

I miss you so very much. 20 days have now passed since you were taken from me and the pain is still as fresh as those first moments when you left this world, while still in my arms. Where are you baby girl? Are you healthy? Are you happy? Do you miss me as much as I am missing you?

I miss you cuddling with me. I slept so peacefully with your body tightly against mine. I miss seeing your smiling face when you were heading out for a walk. I miss your wet nose sneaking up to give me a kiss. I miss your curly tail. I miss the sound of your long nails walking across the hardwood floors. I miss you SADDI. Everything about you, that is you, that is shared with me.

I love you SADDI. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you hear me every time I tell you how very much I love you. One day baby, one day soon we will be together again. Please don't forget me, because you are my heart, so I always have you near me, but still I want to actually be with you.

I love you my precious goofy girl.

missing you SADDI

A week has now passed since SADDI was taken from us and to be honest, I truly have not accepted it. I still wait to hear her jumping off the bed and her nails clicking across the floor as she goes outside. Seeing only her curled tail passing by the window. Getting something to eat or drink before coming in to receive some attention from me. I miss laying down on the bed and SADDI getting up to lay against me. I miss chasing SADDI through the house or watching her and Devon playing. I miss SADDI eating her dinner and then walking over to me and burping, as if to say it was yummy. I miss seeing SADDI standing at the dining room door watching us leaving her and soon hearing her barking because she didn't like being left alone. I always felt guilty not being able to take her everytime and everywhere. I miss being greeted when I would return home and now without SADDI here, I don't rush to return home. I miss SADDI's attitude and dirty looks if I made too much noise while she was sleeping. Or at night when she would stand near me with the look on her face questioning when I was coming to bed to cuddle with her. I miss every moment and every second of being with SADDI and knowing she was nearby. I miss SADDI so very much.

SADDI, I miss you so very much

Because Devon has never known the pain of the death of someone close to him, I have been forced to be strong for him to go through his emotions, while holding my own need to grieve back. I need to feel my overwhelming pain in not having the love of my life in my life anymore.

SADDI is the best thing that has ever happen to me. SADDI is the best part of me. If it wasn't for SADDI, I would have ended my life a long time ago. SADDI loved and protected me through my entire families betrayal of me when I finally accepted the truth of being gay. SADDI loved and protected me when my cruel former partner, Jaye, physically and emotionally abused me. SADDI was confused when Jaye went into his rages, but when it was all over, she always found me and stayed close to me. And when Jaye was exited from our life and began his lies, stealing people from my own life, SADDI never left my side, because she loves me and also knows the truth. SADDI laid by me when I was sick. When life had tried to drain me, I was always given a surge of energy by just knowing SADDI would be home when I returned. Her barking at me as I entered the door, her own way of saying how upset she was that I left her but with that tail waging at great speed, SADDI was also telling me how happy she was we were together again. True faithful love entered our world when Devon arrived, SADDI knew that Devon was special and it was love at first sight for both of them. However, SADDI always had to remind Devon that she comes first. When Devon and I hugged or cuddled, SADDI was right there to push between us. Even if it meant pulling Devon away from me with her paws and when there was a slight opening between Devon and I, SADDI would jump into it so she was part of the cuddle. And when SADDI became sick, she used her limited energy to comfort me. Her pace had slowed, but she always wanted our nightly walks where we would find a quiet spot to sit on the grass under the stars and I would tell her about all our special memories. I even talked to her about the new memories we would make when she was better. But those were just wishful thoughts, because she never got better. Even as I held her in my arms as she was dying, SADDI used her limited energy and lifted her paw to place it on my hand before she passed away.

I have so many emotions that need to be felt, but what is most true is when I think of SADDI, I always smile through my tears. The bond between SADDI and I is an envy from many who seek a friendship and love that is as beautiful and true as ours. My life today will never be the same and I will always feel a deep emptiness, but at the same time, SADDI is still comforting me with all the love we shared and the many memories we gathered together. I will cry and I will hurt so much, but I will also be so proud as to say that I know who my soulmate is and it is a beautiful little girl named Saisar SADDI Berrong.

Saisar SADDI Berrong

February 28, 1996

August 9, 2009

So blessed is my life and heart from knowing, loving, celebrating and living for you. My life is forever empty now that you are gone. Thank you baby girl for 13 years of protecting and comforting me from the cruel evils of this world. For loving me so very much. You always knew when and how to make me smile. Saddi, I love and need you so much. I do not know how to survive in a world without you, or even if I want to try. You truly are the love of my life and I will ensure your memory and everything you are is shared with the world and maybe people will see what it means to be a human from a doggie who knew better than anyone.

SADDI news

Tuesday night, when I laid on the bed, Saddi was soundly sleeping and didn't move to cuddle with me right away. So I just held her soft curly tail and worried about the doctors appointment she would have the following day. My thoughts went negative as to if this was the last night I would sleep cuddled with my baby girl. I cried silently so as not to bother Devon in the next room. But Saddi awoke and looked at me, slowly getting up she laid down closely against me, where she didn't move all night.

Since the pills weren't working to reduce the growth, and Saddi has basically stopped eating, Devon and I borrowed our dear friend Helen's car and took Saddi back to the doctor. We were being scheduled to see another vet, but they decided it would be best if we just returned to where Saddi was seen before. It was not an appointment I wanted to go to, but for Saddi's sake I had no other choice. We detoured on our way there to drive through Sauives Island where Saddi always gets excited to see the horsey's. But while driving over there, Saddi laid down and didn't get up. When we reached the farms, both devon and I called out "HORSEY" which always perked Saddi up and she would bark endlessly at them. But today she just laid in the backseat, no energy to get up. So I got out of the car and opened the backdoor so she could look out and see the three beautiful horses eating nearby. Saddi just looked at them with no reaction, so I knew I could no longer delay this trip to the doctor.

When we arrived, I left Saddi and Devon in the car to ensure no one was in the waiting room, to respect Saddi's condition as I want as few people to see her like this as possible. I explained to the front desk that I am extremely fragile in my emotions and thanked them for the last time we were there and how everyone was so kind. We brought Saddi inside and weighed her. Devon and I already knew it, just by seeing and feeling her, but Saddi has lost 5 pounds since her last visit a month ago. We then sat in the doctors office for quite awhile until the door finally opened. The first thing he said was "WoW, that is ugly". I felt as though we were back at Dove Lewis where we were so belittled and treated so poorly. This was a different doctor than who we saw the last time and completely different approaches to speaking to us. This doctor made us feel horrible for waiting to bring Saddi back, even though the first doctor told us to wait a month or more to see if the pills would work on the growth. But clearly that first doctor, who we thought was so kind, had given us false hope about what the pills could do. The doctor we saw today said there was no chance a growth this size would shrink with just pills and we now only had two options; put Saddi to sleep or try surgery. At Saddi's age (13) and as weak as she is, surgery could be very tough for her to recover, but he also felt her would be able to get all of the cancer and Saddi would loose a few teeth. The cancer could always come back later too. Surgery around the mouth is very difficult since there is no extra skin to work with, but he felt confident he would get it all. My head lower in the shame he made me feel in not bring Saddi in sooner, I asked him what he would do. Would surgery be good for Saddi or do we have no other choice than to put her to sleep? As I said that I saw my tears falling onto Saddi's leg. The doctor said he felt the best option would be the surgery. Devon, knowing I was not in any condition to speak, really showed how strong he has become and began asking all the right questions. How much? How long of a recovery? The chances the cancer could come back? I listened with great pride, but never took my eyes off of Saddi. The doctor left the room to add up the cost of the surgery and I reached out for Devon's hand and I played with Saddi's fur with my other hand. Devon said he would just use the money from his recently sold paintings to pay for the surgery. There was no questioning about it, he said that is what he would do. I couldn't say anything, since there is basically nothing I can do or say without having any resources for income.

After receiving the quote for the surgery, we were told there would be no charge for the visit we just had. So we walked Saddi back out to the car, but she seemed to have trouble getting inside. Her energy level is so low, I had to lift her inside. We then drove over to Healthy Pets, that our friend Shelley told us about. Shelley said there is a woman who works there and knows everything about herbs and special foods for dogs. Well, Shelley was right. We met Julie, at Healthy Pets, and explained our situation to her and she began sharing information left and right. She suggested so many things and gave us free samples to try. She told us to stay away from carbs as cancer clings to them. Well, one of Saddi's favorite treats is rice, but if cancer is going to cling to that, no more rice for Saddi. Julie also suggested we buy Saddi some baby food since it is soft to eat and mix it with some of the samples she gave us to build back Saddi's energy. She really seemed to care and wanted us to check back in with her after Saddi's surgery.

Today, we also heard from Marty Davis, publisher/owner of Portland's GLBTQ newspaper. Marty offered to call the vet and give them free advertising in Just Out in exchange for part of our bill. When I read Marty's offer, my eyes filled with tears, I was just so overwhelmed by her kindness in doing this for us.

Devon and I brought Saddi home before leaving once again to do a bit of grocery shopping. Saddi just sniffed the chicken in her bowl and then drank a bunch of water. I heard the clicking of her long toes nails going into the bedroom and then it sounded as though she was going in circles, so I went in to check on her. Saddi wasn't able to get up onto the bed. I encouraged her, but she was only able to get her front paws onto the bed. So I kissed her head as I gently lifted her back legs onto the bed. It was a tough day on her, so she quickly drifted off to sleep, that is until she heard Devon and i getting ready to leave again. She jumped off the bed and seemed ready to go with us, but I really wanted her to just rest and said we'd be back later. She walked over to the dining room door, with the window in it, and watched us leave. As we always do, we turned back and waved. Later when we returned home, Saddi didn't seem to care much. She had made it back onto the bed herself and she was comfortable.

Saddi goes into surgery next Tuesday morning and will be able to return home that night. Devon and I will stay with her all day on Wednesday, but on Thursday Devon works at the gallery and leaves that night for a conference in Seattle until Sunday. I wont leave Saddi that entire time. Her recovery will be slow, but I just look forward to cuddling with her. If she has the energy, playing in the backyard and of course, our nightly walks.

Speaking of our nightly walks, last night I knew Saddi was tired and weak, but also knew she would want her walk. As soon as I walked into the bedroom and turned on the light, she was standing up. So we headed out, but just for a short walk since it was chilly outside. As we turned to come back home, Saddi stopped on the grass and stood there. At first I thought she was questioning going to the bathroom or not, but then she laid down. I knew she was too weak to go on, so I bent down and picked her up and carried her across the street. But she started fighting to be let down. We walked a bit more and she stopped again, looking up at me, so I picked her up again and she rested her head on my shoulder. Once we reached he driveway, I asked if she wanted to walk down the hill, which is easier on both of us, sure enough we both made it down the slight hill and into the house. But I knew she had to have something to eat, so I began preparing the baby food when I noticed someone coming up to our front door at 9:30pm. It was our friend Anita with an arm load of bags from Safeway and she said there was more in the car. I finally had to get Devon's help. While they unloaded, I went to see if Saddi would eat the baby food, well, she nearly ate the spoon I was feeding her it to her with. Back to Anita, she read about our situation and wanted to help. But, she went way beyond helping. We had just bought some food today, but Anita overwhlemed our fridge, freezer and shelves. She didn't stay long but before going handing Devon a check for his art supply needs and one to me that more than covered Saddi's surgery. We tired to tell her no, but she refused to listen. We thanked and hugged her and she went home. Devon and I stood in the kitchen speechless. While I put away the food, I asked Devon if he would see if Saddi would eat more baby food and of course she did. Anita brought overy some Paul Newman dog food we will offer Saddi tomorrow and I will stop at the store on Friday to get more baby food. Right now, I am just overwhlemed with several emotions.

Speaking of which, it is almost that time, so I better get ready before Saddi reminds me. Thank you for listening and all your positive thoughts and energy for our precious daughter, Saddi. If you know of anyone to pass along the link for the fund raiser we are having to pay for Saddi's surgery and recovery, it would be greatly appreicated if you would forward it along. THANK YOU!!!

Rici

SADDI update

It breaks my heart to write about this, but I know there are caring people who are concerned about our SADDI. SADDI has basically stopped eating, though she drinks a lot of water. Since she wont eat, I had to dissolve her nasty pills into her water, so then she stopped drinking. So we have stopped giving her the pills so she will at least drink. SADDI's energy is slow, but she remains active, always ready for a walk. Every night I take SADDI across the street to sit on the grass at the local school. Sitting under the stars in the cool night air is very relaxing for us. SADDI always lays closely to me as I talk to her about all the memories we have shared in our 13 years together. But I remind her that we still have a chance for many more memories, but that I need her to eat. Normally I sleep on the living room floor to allow SADDI and Devon more comfort in sleeping in the bed. But last night I needed to cuddle with SADDI. When I got into bed, she was against Devon, but once I laid down, I felt SADDI getting up and firmly placing her back against mine. Her breathing was struggled, but once I placed my hand on her, she relaxed and soon was snoring. I couldn't sleep, so I just enjoyed listening to her.

The other day, when it was so uncomfortably hot, my own health was fading and I just needed to lay down. Too hot to cuddle, SADDI still moved close to me and placed her paw on my arm as I fell asleep. When I awoke several hours later, SADDI was still holding my arm.

On a very troubling topic, SADDI's growth projects a slight smell, it isn't nearly as bad as when it was infected though. We wash her every other day and wash her bedding daily. Recently our horrible landlord arrived at 5:45am to resurface the back porch and called the following day to say he was concerned by the smell, that the house smelled like a zoo (he never set foot inside the house). I lost it and let this heartless bastard know that SADDI is dying and we are doing everything we can possibly do for her comfort and that the house does not smell like anything other than we have a dog. Any dog companion will admit their house smells differently than a non-doggie house, but it isn't a bad thing. Our landlord suggested that maybe SADDI is in agony and should be ... before he could say "put to sleep", I cut him off and questioned who the hell he was to say such things. Reminding him of how pathetic he is as a landlord with broken promises, disrespecting our rights as renters and lying about issues that don't even exist. If we could afford to move, I would have left after that phone call.

I am still hopeful for a miracle because I know SADDI isn't ready to go yet. And I sure as hell am not ready to let her go. SADDI still has so much life and love inside of her that needs to be shared. But I wont forced her to stay if she feels it is time. Thinking of a life without SADDI is impossible for me. And I am so troubled by cruel people who say I could find another dog to give my love to, because SADDI is not just another dog, she is my family. She is my daughter. SADDI has taught me the meaning of loving, being kind and enjoying the simple things from life. We're just hoping for a miracle now to save and protect this precious angel who has done nothing to deserve any of this happening to her.

Rici

I LOVE YOU SADDI

How do I describe my love for Saddi when such words do not exist. Since that very first day, on May 10, 1996, I have been in love with Saddi. I had known love before, but nothing like this. No other relationship within my life has meant more to be than being with Saddi. She has never betrayed me. She has never sought out others for happiness. She has never allowed me to go a day without a smile from her. To just say that I love Saddi is never enough for how I truly feel. But people will likely never understand this, because I am unable to fully express it. Those who have seen Saddi and I together, they know and they understand the bond that is shared between Saddi and I.

Even today, as Saddi struggles with health issues, she still ensures that I am allowed several smiles throughout the day. Though her energy is low, her level of love and devotion has never faded. As I sit in the living, I can hear her climb off the bed and her tails clicking on the hard wood floors as she comes in to check on me. Maybe she takes a look to see if anything new has been added to her food bowl, or just to check things outside, but she always makes a stop near me so I can touch her soft thick black fur before she returns to the comfort of the bed. And when the day has become too much for me, I'll go lay down on the bed, Saddi will get up once I am comfortable and lay her body closely against mine. Feeling so safe, I easily fall into a deep sleep as Saddi cuddles her body even more closely against mine. It doesn't matter if I am unable to move, feeling Saddi up against is so comfortable.

Recently, when I dealt with my own near fatal infection, I spent several days in bed, barely able to get up and then only for a few minutes. Though long hours of battling a fever, while still be unable to ever get warm, no matter how many blankets Devon had on top of me, Saddi didn't leave my side. Only when Devon took her leash out of the closet, did Saddi get up from the bed. But even before she exited the room, she always looked back at me. And as soon as they returned, the first stop Saddi made in the house was to come into the bedroom and check on me. When dinner was prepared, I had to tell Saddi it was okay to go eat before she would leave the bedroom. I stayed in bed, my entire body covered in blankets, exposing only my nose and eyes. Saddi would make the journey into the kitchen and take a few bits, but I heard walking back towards the bedroom. Her nose would enter my blankets to touch my nose, maybe a little kiss, before returning back to eat. She would do this several times until she had finished her meal and then she would jump back up onto the bed, usually with her back tightly up against mine. And soon we were both snoring.

Anytime I have to leave the house is always a heartbreaking experience, as Saddi always wants to be with me. I've tried to explain to her, as unfair as it is, there are some places that doggies just can't go. The look within her soft brown eyes seem to express 'then why do you go to these places?'. But always, before I leave the house, I give Saddi some loving and tell her I will be back as soon as possible. She stands in the hallway watching close the door and then I hear the fast clicking of her nails going across the floor to reach the dining room door, which has a window in it. Saddi watches me reach the gate, but before opening it I always wave and blow a kiss to her. Even after exiting the gate, I turn around again to see her standing there watching me. One more wave and then I have to leave or I would never be able to leave with those big eyes watching me. But as I make my way up the driveway, Saddi begins to cry out and my heart breaks into pieces. It takes everything I have not to run back home and just hold her. But then there is that wonderful thrill of returning home, Saddi still seated at the dining door. Upon opening the gate, she stands up and you can see that curled tail begin to wag. As I go to open the front door, I hear Saddi racing across the floor to greet me. Her body pushes against my legs as I brace myself from not falling over from the 40 pounds of doggie loving me. Depending on her mood, she will bark at me in attempt, and a good one, to make me feel guilty for leaving her. For a time, she will follow me around the house, shadowing my every move. But soon she will realize I am home for good and she will retreat to the comforts of the bed.

The lab within Saddi has always ensured that she is overly smart and extremely loyal. However, she is also part chow, which means she can be very stubborn and demanding. Several times, while relaxing and reading the newspaper, Saddi would stand up on the chair and push her nose against the paper. I would slowly lower it to find this adorable face looking at me with a plea for attention. To tease her, I would raise the paper again, only to have her nose once again pushing into the paper until I lowered it again. Most times I had to delay lowering the paper because I was trying not to laugh. Difficult not to laugh when the paper continues to be bumped with her nose.

The stories of how Saddi enriches my life are endless and I truly hope there are millions of more stories to share. Some may find it odd that I devote so much of my life and energy into sharing about Saddi, but the reality is, she is deserving of it. I haven't found many humans in life who can be even one percent as special as Saddi is. So I will share stories about Saddi in hopes of inspiring others to be better to themselves and others. Hopefully I will be able to finish my book 'the TRUTH prevails' before the end of the year and published in time to celebrate Saddi's 14h birthday on February 28, 2010.

I love you Saddi.

I Love You So Much SADDI

I WILL (hopefully ) SURVIVE

by Ric Berrong
I survived through high school, though confused and lost
I survived through the 80's, Reaganomics, bad clothes and all
I survived my families betrayal when I came out, accepting my truth for myself and no one else
I survived a physically and emotionally abusive cruel partner, though the reality is I don't know how
I survived the amputation of part of my foot, though I struggle each day
I survived being used for my kindness and hopefully learned many lessons
I have not survived a Japanese game show because I've never been on one
I have survived inherited baldness, mostly thanks to styling options and stylish hats
I survived several broken hearts, thanks to time, duct tape and super glue
But today I am tired, unsure how much more I can withstand and still survive
Though I have no other options or choices, just accepting what is thrust upon me
Hoping all my dues are one day paid in full and I can begin enjoying this life and not just surviving it

New Title and Book Cover

The highs and lows of my life while searching for fulfillment and truth. Surviving an abusive relationship to finding love that has meaning. The betrayal of my family and friends while still finding the courage to move forward in a life often clouding my reality. And sharing the great joys of my life, especially the love and devotion of my precious Saddi. How she picked me, saved me from an attempted suicide and always reminding me of the simple joys that life has to offer. It is my hope that the book will inspire others to look beyond the negatives that often overwhelm us and continue believing in the hope, truth and beauty within and all around us.

happy birthday SADDI

Though you are sleeping now, a special day awaits you. Your daddy Devon and I will devote the entire day to everything that makes you happy and comfortable. If there were a thousand ways I could spoil you, I would find 1001 because you always deserve so much more. I don't think people will truly ever understand how very much you mean to me or how strong our bond is, because they do not know what we have gone through to get where we are today in celebrating your 13th birthday.

How could I have known, that on this day, 13 years ago, you were born and would soon enter my life and heart? Though it wasn't until May 10, 1996 that we found each other, everyday since you have reminded me how much I am needed and love. If only by you, for me that is all that matters. When my family decided to leave me, you were there as the only family I needed. When that ugly cruel person use to beat me, though you were scared and would hide from his rage, when it was over, you comforted me as my wounds and tears slowly faded. And on that New Year's eve, when I had reached the lowest point of my life, knife in hand and tears flooding my eyes, you walked out and licked my face and hand, reminding me of my reason to live. My reason for living, laughing and loving have all been taught to me by you.

We've shared so many memories, all of which enhanced when I saw the joy in your eyes. Trips to the beach so you could play in the sand, so long as I didn't try to take you out into the water. Driving through the country side and seeing all the horses that looked up as you barked to say hello. Walking through the city and people ignoring me as they stopped to talk with you, commenting how beautiful you are. And those millions of quiet times, when it was just the two of us. Either staying home in each others company, cuddling in bed, even though you are much smaller, you seemed to need more room or was it just to be as close as you possibly could to me, sitting along the waterfront with you leaning against me or chasing you in the tennis court, which soon turned into you chasing me. When you smile, as you do often, I cannot help but smile too. For the look of happiness in your face always finds its way into my heart.

You are stubborn and demanding, but it shouldn't be any other way. You are selfish when it comes to receiving attention, but it shouldn't be any other way. You speak out, loudly, when you have something that needs to be heard, but it shouldn't be any other way. But most of all, you are the most loyal and loving with those that you trust and know would never harm your Rici. Though the love you have is shared with just about everyone, there is that special love that you have for only your Rici. Never allowing me out of your sights. Always reminding me when it is time for bed or if you just want to cuddle. And always ensuring that whenever possible, you need to go with me and if not possible, you make sure I know how much it bothers you.

Many people know you, feeling your soft thick coat of black hair. When they see you they either play with your adorable ears or your curled tail. And most don't mind when you push up against them, your weight so strong they almost fall. Or that after you have received your attention from them, your hair clings to whatever they are wearing. These people don't mind, because what they feel from you is your love that you have so much of to share. And those who only know you through pictures or shared thoughts by me, they also feel your love. Even people who claim not to like 'dogs', seem to feel something different from you that allows them to be kind to you.

All of my life, I have only wanted to be love and respected, not knowing the harsh feeling of people leaving or hurting me. I've tried to be kind, giving and supportive, but too often it has been turned against me. But I have come to proudly accept that I am the happiest in being known as Saddi's human. So long as everyone knows about how amazing you are, they know the greatest part of me. For without Saisar Saddi Berrong, there never will be me.

To say I love you could never express what I truly feel. And to say thank you for all you have shared and given me, well, words have yet to be invented that could fully express that. What I can say, with complete confidence, is that you have enhanced the beauty and truth within my life and heart. And though today is your birthday Saddi, please know that everyday is a celebration for me because of you.

your Rici