February 28, 2012 is the 16th anniversary of birth of
Saisar SADDI Berrong
i miss my sweet baby girl so much
For about a year, we talked about and planned our future, finding it surprisingly wonderful that we agreed on so many aspects, something neither of us had found in past relationships. But our distance was something we knew had to change.
Devon grew up being discouraged about his passion of being an artist/fashion designer. His father, a well known and respected classical Chinese opera singer, knew the struggles of the arts and wanted more for his only son. When Devon was a teen ager, his parents took all his artwork and supplies and put them in the trash, telling him that he needed to focus on business. Not wanting to disrespect his parents, Devon focused business school for several years, hiding from himself the true passions within him. But one day, he started doodling and it ignited the fire within him once again. He kept his art a secret from his parents while finishing business school, but he knew where his heart was meant to be. So when Devon and i started 'dating' online, he knew he had to come to America, to begin our life together and so he would be free to express his artistic gifts.
While still in China, during our courtship, Devon surprised me one day by changing his Chinese name from Yao Ya Yan, to an American name, Devon Yan-Berrong. Never knowing the fulfilling confidence in a relationship before, Devon gave me that gift, even before we had even met face-to-face. i had sent pictures of SADDI, my four legged best friend, and Devon would take pictures of himself with pictures of SADDI to send to me. Devon's love for SADDI, even before meeting her, was just as beautiful of my own.
The process of obtaining a Visa to travel from China to America is extremely complex. There are so many hurdles to overcome and requirements that so many could never comply to. But Devon was determined to be with me. His parents, not knowing of our true relationship, supported Devon's request to come to America to further his education, as did the rest of his family. The first interview for a Visa did not go well and when Devon called me later that evening he was crying. Being thousands of miles apart from the one you love is difficult to comfort them, especially when i wasn't sure how this all could become reality. Weeks later, Devon went for another interview and the phone call later that night was even more heartbreaking. i couldn't seem them, but i could truly feel his tears. Devon was beginning to question if he could go for another interview and be rejected again, but we talked about our future and our shared dreams and he promised me he wouldn't give up.
On December 22, 2006, Devon went in for a third interview to get a student Visa. While i was at work, i kept thinking of what i could say to him in case he was rejected again. What possibly could i say to encourage him. My cell fone rang during the day, which meant night time in China. i took a deep breath and answered it. Devon was crying, but differently. "Rici", he said "I'm sorry to tell you but I'll be in Portland on December 28. I got my Visa!"
Around 7:00am on December 28, 2006, Devon walked off the international flight and in my arms. More beautiful than any of the pictures he had sent me. i took Devon back to the house, where he met SADDI for the visit time. He was nervous, worried that SADDI wouldn't accept him. But as soon as he walked through the door, SADDI welcomed him lovingly, knowing her family was finally home. (The attached picture is the first picture of our family together)
Devon thrived upon coming to America. His self taught artistic skills were inspired to unlimited levels. He found galleries wanting to display his art and quickly began selling his watercolors. He had never experienced such praise and acknowledgements before, it was overwhelming for him and pushed him to look even deeper into his unique creative gifts. Devon returned to his other passion, fashion design. Again, word spread quickly and after one fashion that we, together, produced, models and photographers were begging to work with him. He was invited to take part in several local and national fashion show as well as being asked by the producers of Project Runway to submit an application for the show. Through his life he has felt restricted by others and all he wants to do is follow his own inspirations.
i had lost my entire family, on my birthday, in 1998, when i had come out. For eight years, it was basically just SADDI and i surviving through life. Finally we had a family. But like every family, there are struggles. Devon has taken care of me through two life threatening infections. Changes my bandages and cleaning my wounds, something i would never have been able to do on my own. When i had most of my left foot amputated, Devon, who weighs about 110 pounds (wet), while i was about 275 pounds, had to push me around town in a wheelchair. Somehow, he found the strength to be able to hold me up and help me when i was unable to stand on my own. And we've had to hold each other up since the devastating passing of our precious SADDI in 2009. Without him, i know i could have never survived after SADDI died in my arms.
In October 2011, our landlord gave us a 30 day eviction notice after he sold the property. Devon has reached the low ceiling that Portland has for achieving success in fashion and i had lived in Portland all my life. We decided that a change was very much needed, so instead of searching for something in Portland, i quit my job and we packed our belongings and moved to Seattle. When Devon arrived in Portland, in 2006, he enjoyed the quiet comfortable feeling, but soon it became very boring for him after coming from the excitement of Hong Kong. During a Pride weekend visit to Seattle in 2007, he fell in love with the city. For us, it is basically starting all over again. We don't know anyone in Seattle. Devon has had to make new connections in the fashion world, but because of his talents, it is becoming easy for him. For me, i had lived under one piece of the sky all of my life in Portland. After SADDI died, i had lost a lot of my inspirations, especially for my love of photography. Moving to Seattle, it is so emotional for me, a feeling that i am where i am meant to be. Celebrating the beauty, diversity, the scents of delicious food on every corner and finding my passion for photography once again.
Within a few months of moving to Seattle, we now have the opportunity to celebrate our love and devotion. Never did i believe this day would be possible. i know where ever SADDI is, she is barking with great joy. The reality of being able to marry the man that i love so much has also inspired me to lose weight. i am on a very serious diet so i will look amazing in our wedding photo's, though i know Devon will look even more amazing. Soon the day will come where i can look into the eyes of the man you shares my heart, in the company of dear cherished friends, and say "i do". Though i already have, even before we met and i forever i will, but now our love and commitment will acknowledged and celebrated with a legal marriage. Because of our love and devotion for one another, Devon and i have been an inspiration for many who desire to fulfill their own life and heart. i look forward to continuing to inspire others to believe in the beauty of love when i kiss Devon after saying the words "i do".
At the time i took this picture, SADDI wasn't talking to me. You see, it was an incredibly hot day, so we went to the beach where it was still extremely hot. Even though she hated to get wet, i carried SADDI out to the water to cool her off. With that thick black coat of fur and the hot sizzling summer sun, it was so uncomfortable for her. But she fought me, as she always did when i tried to give her a bath. Several attempts later, she gave in and sat in the water while i calmly talked to her, assuring her that it would feel good. Using my hands, i poured the ocean water onto her and she was fine with it until i dared to pour some water over her face. She darted for the beach. While i stayed in the refreshing water, SADDI sat on the beach glaring at me. When i walked back to the beach, she turned her head and wouldn't even acknowledge me. It wasn't until we got back into the car and stopped at McDonald's would she talk with me again.
... Thank You SADDI ...
my love for her is stronger than ever
and SADDI still visits me
mostly now within my dreams
but at times i feel her presence
i feel SADDI looking at me
when i look down, though i cannot see her, i know she is there
if i think about it, i can actually feel SADDI's fur between my fingers
i have never felt such a powerful beautiful bond before
and even after all this time that she has been gone
i celebrate even these special moments
and i look forward to the day when i am reunited with SADDI
... Two Years ...
i actually find it very difficult to believe that it has been two years since my SADDI was taken from me. Maybe because i still feel numb. Maybe because life has so little meaning without SADDI here to share it with me. Maybe because of the friends i thought i had over the years betraying SADDI's memory to "protect their own heart" or thinking i could so easily go out and get another dog to replace SADDI, these sad excuses for humans are no longer in my life. Never will be again.
Two years without SADDI has felt like several lifetimes have passed and sometimes it just seems like yesterday she was taken away. So often i still feel SADDI near me, with me. Sometimes i can actually feel SADDI's soft fur against my finger tips or against my face like when i gave her kisses. i still hear SADDI's barking, usually thinking my cell fone is ringing, the ring tone is SADDI. But when i check the fone, there is no call.
As i write my book, a tribute to SADDI ... the TRUTH prevails ... i can only get through a few sentences before i have to stop and cry. My memories are so strong and so real, i know SADDI is guiding me to share our very special and beautiful love story. Without notice, suddenly i find myself smiling from a very simple memory that SADDI and i shared. But in just a few short moments that smile is wet with a tear.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation, which helps doggies living on the streets with their humans with treats, blankets and basic needed supplies is all done to honor the memory of SADDI. The homeless humans are far more appreciative to receive something for their doggie than they seem to be in a few coins given to them. And the smile on the doggies face, knowing something special is being given to them, is the greatest thank you i could ever receive.
i am so very much in love with my SADDI and i live my life with the hope that one day, very soon, we will be reunited. Thank you SADDI for teaching me so much about life, love and myself.
... SADDI is still with me ...
... i love you SADDI ...
On the ride home, my friends puppy couldn't stay still and was crawling all over her. But 'SADDI' peacefully rested her body against me. When we returned home, i took SADDI into the large backyard that we had and she quickly began to explore. She then started to chase after me and i would chase her. My neighbor was mowing her lawn, but kept looking over at me. Finally she stopped and walked over to the fence to see what i was doing. She thought i had gone crazy, as she couldn't see SADDI yet.
Later, i knew i had to give SADDI a bath, so i put her in the kitchen sink and quickly found out that SADDI hated being in the water. She stood up on her back legs and dug her tiny, but very sharp, nails into my chest as she cried the entire time i washed her. i tried to dry her off, but she kept running away from me, for some reason she was scared of the white towel, but always welcomed being dried off by any other color towel.
i decided that i needed my own shower, but SADDI stood outside the closed door and howled a loud cry. Stepping out, soaking wet, i opened the door to see SADDI sitting there, her tiny tail wagging. i invited her to join me, but she only let out a small bark. So long as i left the door open, where she could see me through the shower curtain, she seemed okay.
After a long day of playing, it was time for bed. As i laid down, SADDI stood at the foot of the bed crying. i told her to come up, there is where we would be sleeping. With some effort, she jumped up onto the mattress sitting on the floor and took her place on the pillow next to me. (For the next 13.5 years, that was the way it always was, SADDI had to lay next to me. When Devon entered our life, SADDI would not have it for Devon and i to cuddle. She made that clear on Devon's first day by hitting him with her paw until he slightly moved away from me and she was able to jump in-between us.)
At the time, i wasn't working, so SADDI and i spent the next five days getting to know one another. She never let me out of her sights. But then i had to start my new graveyard shift job and had to leave SADDI alone for the first time. As i walked to the bus, two blocks away, i could still hear her crying. It broke my heart, i just wanted to run back to her. For 13.5 years, it never changed, we hated being apart from one another. And when i returned home, SADDI always let me know how upset she was, but it didn't take long before i was forgiven and given many kisses.
It's now 15 years since that very special day and 21 months since SADDI was taken from me. i celebrate this day but with heavy tears from my eyes and heart. i miss my little girl so very much and truly cannot wait until the day we are reunited again. SADDI was never just a dog or a pet, she is my best friend, the love of my life and now my inspiration to show others the kindness and compassion that was always given to me from SADDI.
Today, i am honored to devoted my energy to the SAISAR unlimited foundation. In SADDI's name, i give out treats, food, blankets and other supplies that i can afford (donations are welcomed) to doggies living on the streets with their humans and those doggies still living in shelters, awaiting their forever homes. For me, there is nothing more beautiful than the smile on a doggies face when they realize i have something special for them. It is SADDI's smile that always took away the stresses and pain from life. It is SADDI's love that gives me the strength to do what i do now. To honor and celebrate SADDI is my duty that i am so very proud to do.
Ric@BerrongGallery.com
... seeing you ...
and saw you, as a puppy, walking towards me
i was laying on the grass
and you walked right up to my face
... Celebrating SADDI ...
in honor of the 15th anniversary of SADDI's birth
Devon Yan~Berrong did this painting for me
... Happy Birthday SADDI ...
Happy Birthday SADDI.
To honor your memory and celebrate you,
i took doggie treats to the Oregon Humane Society and the Pixie Project.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation is very important to me because you, SADDI,
are so very special and important to me.
i am forever devoted to honoring your memory and sharing our beautiful love story.
Happy Birthday SADDI.
i love you so much.
i miss you so very much.
... Shattered Trust ...
i have no trust in humans
Never will i again
Friends and family have betrayed me
With ease and no discomfort they easily walked away
Friends and family have betrayed me
With excuses that allows them a pathetic reasoning to be cruel
Don't call yourselves friends if you have no clue as to the meaning of being a friend
Don't call yourselves family when your blood is cold, just like your heart
i have no use for your abuse
No use to have my trust shattered by your knife within my heart
Friendship doesn't leave you when it is needed the most
The act is selfish
Friendship stands by you, to support you, in times of need
Releasing your selfish urges to show compassion and understanding
To share in the tears
The laughter
The hopes and successes
Even the failures and darkness
In my life, i have watched so many walk out of my life
Taking my trust and love with them
Leaving me with the regret that i ever tried
The guilt of what had been wasted on them
Friends of a few months and even several years walked away
Never looking back at the emotional mess they left behind
Family took it upon their self to judge, without looking at their own sins
Family?
A word and emotion that no longer carries meaning to me
My laughter builds thinking of the meaning of family
While watching my own family shattering and reinventing the meaning
So it fits their betrayal
i have no trust in humans
Never will i again
However, what they all lack is what i celebrate
What i embrace
What guides me away from their feeding of forced negatives
i know the meaning of friendship
i know the meaning of family
i know the meaning of love
It was all taught and shared with me by the most glorious being ever
And it is because of SADDI that i am able to live
No one else has giving me that reason
Not even found within myself
But because of SADDI, i know truth
Because of SADDI, i know friendship
Because of SADDI, i know family
Because of SADDI, i know love
Because of SADDI, i know me
Maybe i am fucking crazy
Now, in a small wooden box, sitting above the fireplace, surrounded by pictures and memories, wrapped in her favorite scarf, are SADDI's ashes. i kiss and speak to this box daily, unsure if SADDI still hears me, but it gives me comfort to have some way to talk with her. i miss my SADDI, my best friend, the love of my life, so very much. i need her.
Often i will lay with this wooden box on my chest and i am able to have the deepest sleep. Just like when SADDI was here, she would sleep tightly against me, where i wasn't able to move, and it was the most comfortable and fulfilling sleep. Last night, i laid the wooden box on the pillow next to my head, kissing it three times and saying aloud "good night SADDI". Within moments, i was asleep. Hours later, as i slowly began to awake, my head against the wooden box, it felt as if SADDI's body was against my back. i tried to go back to sleep, not wanting to awake to the reality that it was only the blanket rolled up against me. There are moments when i feel SADDI near me and i try to cling to them so they wont go away.
So maybe i am crazy. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore, because those i did care about have taken it upon themselves to betray the meaning of friendship we shared. SADDI was, is and forever will be my best friend and the love of my life. To survive without her, i need to do whatever possible to feel her close to me still. And if humans cannot understand and respect my devotion to SADDI, they are missing out on the beauty of the love story SADDI and i share.
... Once upon a time when i was a photographer ...
... Happy endings only happen in Hollywood movies. Reality is found in living life and it is not always a happy ending ...
It has all been lost and destroyed
People will come and go in life
Without concern or worry for whom they have hurt
Humans are selfish and often cruel
Their examples within my own life have proven their value is limited
Sometimes even worthless
i look forward to the day of being released from this earth
Reunited with my SADDI
With whom i was always loved and safe
The years we spent alone will forever be my happiest memories
... alone at Christmas ...
This year, 16 months after my beautiful SADDI was taken from me, nothing much had changed. No feeling for the holiday, though i have tried. Cards sent out, few received. Purchased material gifts for Devon and asked only for a drawing of SADDI and i together. Instead, i received a sweater. Battling pneumonia, my sleep has been limited, so i awoke early Christmas day morning and waited the hours before starting a special breakfast for Devon. Upon waking up, instead of a hug or acknowledgement of the day, Devon went to straight to the computer to update his games and check his e-mails. Enough was enough is enough. After giving him breakfast, i had to be out of this cold old house and find a place for peace. But with no money, friends or family, i had no where to go but to sit in the lobby of the hospital across the street and try to do some writing. All i could really do was cry.
Just another day. Like every other day. No holiday. Just another day without my SADDI.
... the TRUTH (and cancer) prevails ...
On August 9, 2009, the love of my life, Saisar SADDI Berrong, died in my arms after a brave battle with cancer. Because of our limited finances, we sought help from Dove Lewis. Despite a $10,000 a month donation fund for those struggling with vet cost, SADDI was denied treatment. The extremely heartless and cruel people of Dove Lewis wouldn't even look at SADDI, they wouldn't even get closer than 10 feet from her, they just told us to go elsewhere and not to come back to them because they couldn't do anything for her. After SADDI's death, i received several uncaring e-mails from Dove Lewis CEO, Ron Morgan, wanting to know what happen when we came in with SADDI. He showed no compassion to the fact that SADDI has just died, he only cared about how Dove Lewis would be seen for their pathetic lack of treatment.Today, i live with the daily guilt of being unable to take care of my beautiful baby girl. She was so damn brave and even in her last moment of life, she reached her paw up and rested it on my hand to give me comfort. For 13 1/2 glorious years together, she always took care of me and i failed her when she needed me.
i have learned that i have a cancerous tumor under my left nipple. i DO NOT want any sympathy nor do i need any advice, since i was unable to give SADDI the needed medical care she needed and deserved, i will not seek any for myself. i've known for a couple of weeks about my condition, but could not say anything, even to Devon, as this was his time to shine and i was not about to distract from that. i also did not want him worrying about me when all his focus needed to be on DEVONATION. The ONLY reason for saying anything now is so we can move forward and hopefully the positive energy can be directed to Devon.
Devon has such a brilliant career ahead of him, with his art and fashion designs. Words truly cannot express how truly proud of him i am. Devon still struggles with past negatives within his life, so it can be difficult for him to believe all the praise he is receiving. Sadly, if one person has a negative comment but one hundred people say something positive, he clings to the negative because that is basically what he has heard much of his life. Before i go, i want to assure Devon that the truths he hears are the positives and the negatives are just coming from thoughtless unworthy jealous people. i want Devon to embrace the huge reaction he received from the final runway walk that he was almost denied. i get emotional just thinking about it. Devon has truly been a blessing to my heart and life. After so-called friends selfishly left our life and especially after SADDI was taken from us.
As for me, i guess i need to get busy since i have a time limit now. It is my great honor to share the beautiful love story of SADDI and me. This is what i have to share, what i have to leave for the world.
... 5am ...
... i need you so much ...
Selfishly
Cruelly
Unable to accept the hurt i am going through in missing you
And i do miss you so very much SADDI
When life pressed down heavily upon me
You were always there to love and comfort me
When people pretended to care
Only when they truly needed something
And not when my needs mattered
You always supported me
Reminding me that only we truly mattered
And it was so true
All i ever needed was you
Now, more than ever before, all i truly need is to be with you
i no longer feel safe SADDI
i no longer know the meaning of trust
And within this world, i no longer no the meaning of friendship
i need you SADDI
i miss you
i need to be with you
i love you so much SADDI
... SADDI, my love ...
One of our favorite places to be,
along the waterfront on a cool spring day
Our favorite place to be
TOGETHERAnd we will be again, soon
Those adorable ears
i miss talking to you
You were always, and continue to be,
the only one i could truly trust
Not only are you the love of my life
You are my best friend
... i am so sorry SADDI ...
daily i live with the guilti did not do enough
i could not do more
the best thing to ever happen to is gone forever because of me
i begged that it was me and not you
despite my failures, you still loved me so much
i wasn't worthy of that
though i do love you more than anything
you are my everything
my life, and i, are truly nothing without you
you are the best part of me
now, i deserve all the pain and suffering in my life without you
... remembering my silly SADDI ...
i'm remembering how much my silly SADDI hated to get wet, despite being half lab (the other half chow and full spoiled). SADDI would cry while i gave her a bath, even though i was naked in the bath with her, talking to try and calm her. After toweling her off, she would lay on the bed giving me dirty looks. If i was working in the yard and went to get the hose to water the roses, SADDI would run into the house to hide. But my favorite memory is when i would open the door to take SADDI for a walk and the ground was wet from a fresh rain. SADDI would look at the wet sidewalk, up at me, back to the sidewalk and again up at me with an expression of her beautiful face that seemed to say 'do i really have to go to the bathroom so badly that it would mean getting my feet wet?'. After a long pause to think it over, SADDI would gently step out onto the damp sidewalk on the tips of her toes until she finally realized she couldn't walk like this very well and gave into getting her feet wet so she could take her walk.
i miss you so very much lil girl
SADDI, i love you
... now what? ...
Everything within my life has changed
Not only was the love of my taken from me
But friends, who i thought were friends, are no longer
Betraying the trust we shared
That we had built over many years
Uncaring to the reality that i must live
A life, what remains of it, without the greatest joy i have ever known
An entire year has passed since my SADDI was taken from me
365 days of feeling numb
Of having to defend my tears
Of feeling so incredibly lonely
Of only wanting one thing out of life now
To be out of this life now
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