S A D D I
i miss standing above SADDI,
my legs on either side of her hips,
slowly rocking my legs to make her hips sway back and forth.
And then lifting her to her back feet,
rubbing her soft belly and giving her numerous kisses.
When i put her back down,
her tail was wagging and she had that beautiful smile for me.
Melt Down
Well, i spent another birthday in the hospital. Four years ago i had a toe removed. This time, an infection on what started out as just a bit of skin rubbing off my stump from an ill-fitted prosthetic leg.
i went into the emergency room the day before and was admitted. As i got to my room, i began to shake uncontrollably because of the fever. i was trying to hold the urinal to pee, but my hand and body were shaking so hard i would have likely peed all over the floor instead.
i awoke on my birthday in the hospital, but was told i couldn't eat anything because i was scheduled for surgery to drain the infection. But i was never told what time. Actually i didn't go into surgery until 9:30pm and was back in my room around 11:00pm. Thankfully i had ordered a salad before i went into surgery, so that was my birthday celebration.
Before i fell asleep, i decided i will never again attempt to celebrate my birthday again, if i am allowed another. Last year, Devon spent the day with his friends and the year before that i was sick with a cold so we missed a burlesque performance we had tickets for. And of course, 1998 when my family disowned me on my birthday.
The next day i was hooked up to a wound vac, to suck out all the nasty that might still be inside of me. i made the mistake of looking down and seeing the large hole on my leg. So how long will this take to heal before i am able to try to learn to walk again?
i spent 6 days in the hospital, alone. A lot of thinking, too much thinking and feeling my depression going even deeper.
i'll have to wear the wound vac for about three weeks. The bag holding the vac around my neck, or on a chair next to me as i attempt to sleep. i'm so afraid to move for fear that the cord to the vac attached to my leg will wrap around my other leg. i can't use my walker without feeling the vac bouncing against my chest, throwing off my balance.
Today, just before the nurse arrived for wound care, i was using the bathroom. i heard him arrive, so i tried to hurry out, but the cord didn't go through my pant leg very well and my sweatpants were falling off as i came out of the bathroom. i tried to get the nurse to help me, but his thick accent, he had made it difficult for him to understand what i needed. The cord was going up my butt crack and wrapped about my testicles, so when he pulled on the cord, it got tighter around my testicles. i was just getting more and more upset. Devon tried to help, but he doesn't listen very well and i was upset, which didn't help. Finally we got the cord out, cleaned and i was able to sit down. But i was so upset, i began crying. i'm so tired of this crap. Everyone tells me to be patient, but after dealing with this issue for 4 years and nearly a year since the leg amputation, honestly, i don't know how much more i can take.
i made my apology's to the nurse and Devon, but i know they can understand what i am going through.
And this has put such a strain on Devon and i as well. We use to go out all the time, but for a year we have only been out once, when i had just received my leg.
Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary, we wont be able to go anywhere. Thankfully he is working.
As i write this on June 28, 2016, i truly don't know if i will be, or will want to be here next year at this time. Staying at home, basic things like going to the bathroom or putting away the dishes, is now an ordeal. i'm trying, seriously trying, to remain hopeful, but everyday it gets more and more difficult.
S A D D I
when i think about my MANY walks with SADDI
and how i would grab her tail,
she'd turn back at me with that beautiful special smile ...
just thinking about it makes me smile.
Lately i've really needed those smiles.
S A D D I
SADDI and i spent many a times sitting peacefully on a bench at the nearby college. SADDI would lean her body against mine while i wrapped my arm around her to rub her chest. SADDI was more interested looking for squirrels and other doggies than noticing the smiles she received from the students passing by.
i wish it were possible to share the feeling of love between SADDI and i. Sure, i can talk about it, but i wish you could actually feel what i was so blessed to feel.
SADDI didn't pay attention to me either when we sat at the college, but feeling her against me, i knew how special i was to be her human.
S A D D I
During my numerous bouts with infections, SADDI never left my side
... except to eat or go to the bathroom.
If i rolled over, SADDI would move so her back was snuggled against mine.
Even when she went to eat,
she'd take a bite and chew it as she walked into the bedroom to check on me.
And then go get another bite and back to check on me.
As soon as SADDI was done,
she'd get right back into bed with me,
covered with a blanket by Devon.
When i'd have to go to the hospital,
Devon said SADDI would sit by the glass door crying.
i miss that love and devotion so much.
S A D D I
i love how out of the blue a precious memory
of SADDI enters my thoughts
and a smile shines through the tears.
i miss my SADDI so much.
Two Men Kissing
In the wake of 50 people murdered at a gay club in
Orlando Florida on June 12, 2016
after a man was upset seeing two men kissing,
a hashtag was started to show respect to the LGBT community.
S A D D I
It was a beautiful spring late afternoon.
i had come home from work, so SADDI,
Devon and i decided to take a walk.
The small little park attached to the office building
across the street was a favorite place of ours chase pine cones.
This special day was a perfect setting to take pictures and be silly.
And anywhere was a good place for a belly rub break.
June 4, 2016
After a couple of weeks of learning how to walk again, the new leg rubbed against my skin (despite the rubber sleeve i wear over my leg) and created a scar. It was small, just skin that had rubbed off the top, but because the sleeve causes my leg to sweat, the little scar has become infected. The smell was nasty, but now i am unable to wear my leg, or the sleeve (that helps shirk my stump) for a couple of weeks.
My left leg, still healing from the wounds when i fell down the stairs, after an afternoon of trying to clean up Devon's mess, has an infected wound as well. Not as bad, but still taking longer to heal.
The weather is extremely hot this weekend, Devon wanted to go to Alki beach, i just want to be out of the house. Or at least wear shorts. But i can't due to the wounds on both legs.
These latest infections have taken so much out of me ... emotionally. My depression has been so overwhelming that all i did was sleep ... in hopes i never woke up. In a 24 hour day, i was lucky to stay awake for 6 hours. Devon was at work or staying with his friends, instead of being home. But at least i fulfilled my duty of fixing him breakfast, lunch and while while keeping the house clean.
This whole ordeal started in 2006 when i had a toe amputated. These past four years, with my right leg, have been one thing after another. i truly think i have reached my breaking point. i just can't handle this anymore ... especially since i'm having to do it alone.
Even as i type this, my energy is weak and almost forced. That's what it feels like to stay alive ... forced.
remembering SADDI
When i worked at Fred Meyer, after i hurt my wrist i was put on light duty, which meant standing at the front door for 8 hours greeting customers. Often times humans would tie their doggies outside while they did some shopping. i was so bored, i'd go outside and talk to the doggies, to calm them while they waited. If the doggies were friendly, i'd pet them so they'd relax.
Problem was when i came home. Even if i washed my hands, SADDI could still smell another doggie on me. Though she was happy to see me, it was short lived and she became upset that i had clearly paid attention to another doggie.
S A D D I
when SADDI and i went to the nearby park,
attached to a child daycare,
i would get on the merry-go-round and get it started.
SADDI walked along side me keeping the merry-go-round going
as i held her leash. i was never able to get her to go down the slide.
She'd stand at the top staring at me.
Update on Reality
May 30, 2016
My nurse came over for my twice weekly band-aid changes of my wounds.
Over the weekend there has been a smell and a lot of discharge on a wound from my prosthetic leg. The nurse cleaned it, as best as possible, and i wont be able to wear my leg for a couple of days. But the infection has a head start.
The wounds on the other leg, from when i fell down the stairs after an afternoon of trying to clean one of Devon's messes, is also infected. After months of care, i might have to have my left leg amputated as well.
At least my blood sugars are stable and my blood pressure, thanks to pills, is at a healthy level.
When Devon came home from work, as i was preparing his dinner and lunches for the next several days, he informed me he was going out with his friends and i knew he wouldn't be back tonight. Again.
Before he left, he did give me 30 seconds of unselfish concern, which is 20 seconds more than usual.
Everyday i get more examples that i don't matter in this world. As if i really needed more examples.
Physically and emotionally i'm done. My body is giving up on me and i'm giving into that truth.
Squirrel Friend
Over these past several months of recovery,
if i didn't have my squirrel friends to talk to,
i wouldn't have anyone at all for about 90% of the time.
On days that it was raining
or the cold was so bitter i could barely feel my hands
i'd sit just inside the front door
tossing out treats for my visitors.
We haven't seen Tripod in several months.
A very friendly three legged squirrel.
There was another who truly broke my heart.
Something was wrong where she couldn't stand up.
She'd grab a piece of bread and tried to stand up to eat,
but would always tip over.
When bread didn't make it to the ground,
she'd tried to climb up on step to reach something.
But it was such a struggle.
i watched one of the squirrels bring her a piece of bread.
But i haven't seen her for a while now either.
i'm usually at the front door with treats by 7am.
The times i have been late, there is always someone waiting for me.
Many times sitting on the welcome mat just outside the door.
As i tossed treats down to the sidewalk,
many more squirrels would come to visit.
But they never get along.
Chasing each other away.
Trying to dodge one another to get something to eat.
i learned to spread the treats around
so everyone was happy.
Some squirrels are friendlier than others.
i have one friend who will grab food from the sidewalk
and climb the steps to eat only inches from me.
Some treats are more popular than others.
i purchased some bulk crackers that came with cookies.
i didn't want the cookies, so i shared them.
One squirrel
in one feeding
ate three whole cookies
When the cookies were gone and there was only bread
i swear i was given dirty looks.
While the squirrels munch on their treats
i talk to them.
Asking what they had planned for the day.
Where they work.
Giving them the weather report for the coming week.
And how happy my SADDI would be seeing all the squirrel friends.
i know that i am slowly slipping
e m o t i o n a l l y.
i'm trying to remain sane by talking to my squirrels friends.
They don't talk back, but i believe they listen.
They wait for me.
They depend on me.
And they trust me.
When they see the front door open
they know the big guy has food.
And i have some company.
i'm done
i have tried to live an unselfish life.
Giving
Understanding.
Truth.
Something i did not learn from growing up.
In return, i have received selfishness.
People taking from me.
A lack of understanding towards my own feelings.
And lies told and believed about me.
It has been overwhelming.
Devastating.
i have always been too weak to fight it.
Too foolish to believe 'The Truth Would Prevail'
What i have failed to learn is that people no longer care for truth.
About themselves or anyone else.
It's boring.
i have attempted to create a positive hopeful message.
It barely gets acknowledged and no one wants to share it
for fear of the truth.
i have given, of myself and objects to bring joy.
There are those who will ignore it because it came from me.
And their belief in the lies about me.
The world today is full of selfishness.
People posting endless pictures of themselves waiting for praise.
But when you go out of your way
to promote businesses, people or events
it usually goes without acknowledgement or appreciation.
And people accept that is how it should be.
When it shouldn't be.
i lost my entire family because of their lies.
Numerous "friends" have faded away because of untruths told about me.
Believed about me.
In the attempt to shout of the truth.
i am muffled by liars and self-proclaimed victims.
Why should i care is what is often said to me.
i do care.
Because i am human.
i have a compassionate caring fragile heart
And this is not the way it should be.
For nearly 54 years i have fought for what i believe to be right.
That we are ALL a small piece to this glorious planet.
Together we complete life for each and every one of us.
Sadly, so many others do not seen that.
Refuse to see that.
Deny the truth.
Ignore the facts.
And believe only they matter.
This is not a reality that i want to be in.
Because it is not a reality at all.
Life is precious to me.
Respect is important to me.
Being a true friend is vital to me.
Seeing the glass as half full kind of person.
Rather than being one who pours it to the ground
in front of the thirsty.
i have tried.
Oh how i have tried.
But i do not feel that i have failed.
Rather others have failed me.
And themselves.
i'm done.
ric berrong
May 28, 2016
S A D D I
i have never met a soul or a heart as amazing as SADDI's.
On the day she picked me, i was lost and confused.
Lonely and seeking my meaning in life.
During our 13.5 years together, SADDI gave me love, friendship, hope
and meaning to my life.
i miss my precious best friend so much.
TRUTH and REALITY
People like Jaye, my family, Victor, Wora, Aleska, Anita
and many more names, make me question
everything about being human and friendship.
i know i shouldn't allow these kind of people
to affect me, but there have been so many
and there are so many like them in this world.
i'm tired of it.
i truly have no more energy for anything.
S A D D I
i was going through a serious emotional breakdown, so i went into the bathroom, closed the door and shaved my head. When i came out of the bathroom, SADDI looked at me with confusion and then started to slowly back up while barking at me. i tried to calm her with my voice, but it seemed to confuse her even more. Finally i got down on the floor, talking to her and she slowly started to come towards me. When i reached out my hand, she sniffed as though i was a stranger. She sniffed my now bald head and finally gave it a couple of kisses. And then we could play again.
i miss you so much SADDI
S L E E P
May 24, 2016
i'm ready to close my eyes forever.
To drift away into an endless sleep.
Facing forever alone in a deep slumber.
i doubt i will dream.
i know i wont ever awake.
The life i have lived is full of regret.
In the time that remains, there is too much to conquer.
i could cure an illness.
Feed all the poor.
Cleanse the air and water.
And it will never release me from the guilt i feel.
Nor do i seek such peace.
Deserve it.
If my eternal rest is haunted by my greatest regret.
So be it.
i accept it.
But i know i am ready.
If tomorrow never comes.
Never shall be seen again.
i open my arms ready to embrace it.
Nor tears should ever be shed for me.
As i have none for myself anymore.
As the light fades at the end of the day.
So does the feeling of wanting to be.
To stay.
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