Happy Birthday SADDI
February 28, 1996 is the most important day of my entire life and always will be. Around 11pm on this leap year day in 1996, a litter of nine chow/lab puppies were born. The last would be someone who changed and has made the most powerful impact of my life. It wasn't until May 10, 1996 that this little black bundle of fur, looking like a bear cub, picked me to share her life. A life of 13.5 years that was far too short. Saisar SADDI Berrong was born on this day, i honor and celebrate her on this and everyday. Even those that knew SADDI will never truly know just how much she means to me. Those who met SADDI during our walks, wanted to spend time with her because she was so friendly to everyone. i remember the times we sat on a bench, under the trees, at the beautiful campus of Portland state, the stressed out students would walk by and smile seeing SADDI. Some stopped to talk to her. i'll never forget a group of adorable Japanese young ladies who wanted their picture with SADDI. SADDI loved the attention. SADDI altered who i am. For most of our life together, it was just SADDI and i. Simple days that today carry so much meaning and are cherished tightly within my heart. i miss my best friend. i miss coming home and being barked at, as if SADDI telling me how unhappy she was that i left her home. i miss looking into her soft brown eyes and telling her how much i love her. i miss everything that was us. Where ever she is today, like everyday, i tell SADDI that i love her. And i thank her for teaching, more than anyone else, how to appreciate the simple things in life.
Happy Birthday SADDI.
Climate Change
Climate change is happening,
humans are causing it,
and I think this is perhaps
the most serious environmental issue facing us.
~~~ Bill Nye
S A D D I
i have often talked about being a survivor of an abusive relationship. It's one of many regrets in my pathetic life, that i stayed in that relationship for 4 years. Making it worse, what SADDI went through. Not only did this piece of sh!t kick SADDI, but when he was attacking me physically and emotionally, SADDI became so scared that she would hide in a corner of the kitchen or outside. i remember one time, after another horrible experience from this piece of trash, i went just outside the gate and sat on the steps to cry. He wasn't done with his verbal abuse, so he came out to give me more. As soon as he opened the gate, SADDI escaped quickly and started running down the street towards a very busy intersection. i called out for her, knowing if i ran after her, she would just run faster. i fell to my knees, begging SADDI to stop and come back. i saw the cars, traveling very fast through the intersection and could actually feel my heart pounding. SADDI reached the end of the block, i was calling out to her, she turned, looked at me and with a big smile started to run back to me. When she reached me, i grabbed her, picking her up in my arms and holding her tight. The abuser said nothing and i stupidly allowed him to stay, believing our love was stronger and could cure him of his evils. i was wrong. When i finally found the courage to kick him out of our house, where he lived without lifting a finger to pay rent/bills/food or clean ... SADDI was the one who helped me through it. SADDI was/is my purpose. Instead of staying home feeling sorry for myself, SADDI and i began taking longer walks a couple of times a day. Those walks allowed me to clear my mind, lose weight and give SADDI the extra attention she deserved and enjoyed.
S A D D I
i have told this story before,but it has so much meaning to my heart and our very special bond, i feel the need to share it again.
The day before we were expected to move, my doctor told me my toe was seriously infected and i needed to have it amputated. She wanted to put me in the hospital at that moment. But i explained i needed to move all weekend, so she gave my intense antibiotics, but insisted i be in the hospital Monday morning.
i got moved (with no help from friends) and Sunday night, just spent it with SADDI, explaining that i had to go for a few days. i was devastated. i moved her out of our home for several years, into an unknown home. But at least this one had windows where SADDI could look out and see people and other doggies.
A now former friend agreed to come over to walk and feed SADDI. During her evening visits, she would call me and let me talk to SADDI. She even brought SADDI to the hospital to visit me.
All day i looked forward to this. i requested a wheelchair and informed the nursing staff that i needed to leave my room to go outside to be with SADDI. Things didn't work out as hoped. The wheelchair never arrived and when it finally did, it was too small for me. They attached my IV so i could go outside. Once in the lobby of the hospital, the loud alarm to my IV went off. i was only feet away from seeing my SADDI and i wasn't about to turn around. An off duty nurse was passing by, she said it'd be okay if we turned off the IV for a short period.
As i approached the hospital entrance, i saw SADDI standing there, he tail wagging wildly. She jumped up onto my lap and gave me kisses. We all walked over to a quieter space and while my "friends" chatted, SADDI and i just held one another. Our heads rubbing against each other as i rubbed my hands all over her body.
Our visit was way too short. From my wheelchair, i walked SADDI back to the main entrance of the hospital. More kisses and hugs as i explained to SADDI that i would be home soon. i knew she didn't understand, nor did i. As i was being wheeled back into the hospital, i began to cry as SADDI barked loudly. i so wanted to turn back around, but i knew i could never truly say goodbye, so i asked that they keep wheeling me back to my room.
All night, i held my hands against my nose to smell SADDI's scent and i cried myself to sleep. My guilt was overwhelming as i worried what SADDI was feeling, all alone in our new home.
A couple of days later i did return home. For a week, i stayed home to recover and SADDI never let me out of her sight. She sat against me on the sofa, followed me to the bathroom and stood in the kitchen, watching me as i fixed our meals.
The bond SADDI and i have for one another is still strongly felt, nearly 10 years since she was taken from me.
FeeL
Don't be afraid to feel
as angry or as loving as you can,
because when you feel nothing,
it's just death.
~~~ Lena Horne
S A D D I
The silly game SADDI and i played, where i would pretend to blow in her face and she would cover her face by rubbing it with her paws. And then i would surprise her by actually blowing in her face, she'd smile and quickly try to find her face.
Remembered
“I would like to be remembered
as a person who wanted to be free
... so other people would be also free.”
~~~ Rosa Parks
S A D D I
Thinking about all those pictures
i didn't take or wasn't ready for.
But thankfully and selfishly,
i am blessed with endless memories
and cherished dreams.
S A D D I
i wont go into details, but yesterday i received some news that really bothered me. When i shared it, i didn't get the understanding and support i had hoped. Just that overwhelming feeling of loneliness that consumes my life.
After sometime of allowing the news to eat at me, i began to silently talk to SADDI. SADDI was the only one there for me, 19 years ago, when this situation began. SADDI was the only one who gave me understanding and comfort. So i reached out to her again.
Though it has been nearly 10 years since SADDI has been gone, i still talk to her, especially when life attempts to press down upon me.
i remember laying on the bed,nose to nose with SADDI, and telling her my concerns, pains and dreams. When i foolishly had a petty party, SADDI would lift her paw and place it on my head. Those soft brown eyes looking at me with love. And i just knew i had to get over feeling sorry for myself, realize i wasn't alone and just accept reality.
Just thinking of SADDI gave me the comfort and strength i needed to know i had done nothing wrong and those who had betrayed me need to live with the truth of their actions.
After SADDI and i had talked, we would go for a long walk or just cuddle for a long nap. These days, i just cherish my memories and the feeling, the beautiful feeling, of feeling the soul of SADDI within me.
There are too many times i would not have survived what life has dealt me, without SADDI. Too many to mention or remember.
Thank you SADDI.
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