... i need you so much ...
Selfishly
Cruelly
Unable to accept the hurt i am going through in missing you
And i do miss you so very much SADDI
When life pressed down heavily upon me
You were always there to love and comfort me
When people pretended to care
Only when they truly needed something
And not when my needs mattered
You always supported me
Reminding me that only we truly mattered
And it was so true
All i ever needed was you
Now, more than ever before, all i truly need is to be with you
i no longer feel safe SADDI
i no longer know the meaning of trust
And within this world, i no longer no the meaning of friendship
i need you SADDI
i miss you
i need to be with you
i love you so much SADDI
... SADDI, my love ...
One of our favorite places to be,
along the waterfront on a cool spring day
Our favorite place to be
TOGETHERAnd we will be again, soon
Those adorable ears
i miss talking to you
You were always, and continue to be,
the only one i could truly trust
Not only are you the love of my life
You are my best friend
... i am so sorry SADDI ...
daily i live with the guilti did not do enough
i could not do more
the best thing to ever happen to is gone forever because of me
i begged that it was me and not you
despite my failures, you still loved me so much
i wasn't worthy of that
though i do love you more than anything
you are my everything
my life, and i, are truly nothing without you
you are the best part of me
now, i deserve all the pain and suffering in my life without you
... remembering my silly SADDI ...
i'm remembering how much my silly SADDI hated to get wet, despite being half lab (the other half chow and full spoiled). SADDI would cry while i gave her a bath, even though i was naked in the bath with her, talking to try and calm her. After toweling her off, she would lay on the bed giving me dirty looks. If i was working in the yard and went to get the hose to water the roses, SADDI would run into the house to hide. But my favorite memory is when i would open the door to take SADDI for a walk and the ground was wet from a fresh rain. SADDI would look at the wet sidewalk, up at me, back to the sidewalk and again up at me with an expression of her beautiful face that seemed to say 'do i really have to go to the bathroom so badly that it would mean getting my feet wet?'. After a long pause to think it over, SADDI would gently step out onto the damp sidewalk on the tips of her toes until she finally realized she couldn't walk like this very well and gave into getting her feet wet so she could take her walk.
i miss you so very much lil girl
SADDI, i love you
... now what? ...
Everything within my life has changed
Not only was the love of my taken from me
But friends, who i thought were friends, are no longer
Betraying the trust we shared
That we had built over many years
Uncaring to the reality that i must live
A life, what remains of it, without the greatest joy i have ever known
An entire year has passed since my SADDI was taken from me
365 days of feeling numb
Of having to defend my tears
Of feeling so incredibly lonely
Of only wanting one thing out of life now
To be out of this life now
... no reason to celebrate June 20 ...
i came out to my family in 1997 and was embraced warmly with comments that they already knew, but were waiting for me to accept it. But in 1998, my then partner had a surprise birthday party for me and sent out invites that he had made by hand, which was really special since he suffered from OCD. The front of the card read 'It's My Baby's Birthday' with details to the party inside. Well, my family felt that was "inappropriate" and decided not to come to the party. That was 13 years ago and i have not spoken to my family since. Their belief was it is fine for me to be gay, just not happy. i have complete peace with this because they are wrong and cruel, but for this to happen on my birthday was devastating for a period of time.
And then last year, i lost the light that guided my heart, my SADDI. Words are difficult to express how empty my life is without her. i have been blessed with the love and support of Devon, but even he does not always know how to comfort me. i lost a couple of friends after SADDI died because they could not handle to see me so depressed.
Last year on my birthday, i only wanted one thing and that was to be with SADDI. Devon worked at the gallery that day, so SADDI and i had the entire day to ourselves. We played in the yard, took a walk and best of all had a wonderful nap cuddling together. It was great. I made spaghetti for dinner and watched with joy as SADDI cleaned her bowl completely. SADDI was starting to get sick and in the back of my mind i had a feeling it was likely the last birthday of mine we would share. SADDI died in my arms less than two months later.
Say and feel what you will, but please respect and understand my emotions are likely different than yours. i am barely surviving, struggling daily without my beautiful SADDI. i truly don't want to be here without her, but i also do not believe in suicide. Many have been so cruel to my emotions as to easily say that is hould go out and get another 'dog', clearly not knowing or respecting how much SADDI and i mean to one another. How much i need her. She is my child, would they tell a 'human' to go out and just get another child if theirs had just died?
i do not celebrate my birthday by choice, though i love to honor everyone else on their day of birth and times they have fulfilled another piece of the puzzle that builds to complete them. i will also celebrate Devon for all his amazing accomplishments. But what remains of my own life is meant to focus on celebrating and honoring SADDI, ensuring that her life is remembered by those who had the great pleasure to know her and to introduce her to those who can only know her by my own precious and cherished memories. The only way i wish to be remembered, here and when i am gone, is by being known as SADDI's best friend and she being the true love of my life.
... June 9, 2010 ...
i love you SADDI, my goofy baby girl
... Life, or something like it ...
And though i still have limits, i still have Devon to care for. i do what i can to ensure he has what he needs and even little extra's so he knows how very much i love and need him. But i also have to protect Devon from the often cruel world we live in.
As you all know, Devon is an accomplished internationally known professional artist. His artwork has been seen in coffeehouses, galleries, websites and we are always receiving interest from all around the world about his art. Currently he is working on designing clothing for his own fashion line. Devon is very busy and i respect that our time to spend together is limited because he is fulfilling his dreams. But for someone to believe, and say so in a rather heartless manner, that something Devon worked so hard on, with so much time and attention to details, isn't good enough for their tiny local project has been quite hurtful for Devon. Devon wont tell people how he is feeling, but it comes out to me at times with hurtful words that he doesn't mean. As i have told Devon, people should be honored that he takes the time out to do these little projects when he has so many more important things he wants to give his time and attention to.
i don't care anymore how people continue to hurt me with their thoughtless comments about how i should be living my life without SADDI. i have come to realize that they never knew a love so beautiful and so true that fulfills their life and heart, so they have no clue as to what i am feeling and going through. But no one says or does anything negative towards SADDI or Devon. NO ONE!!! i cannot change what happen to SADDI, though i would give up everything if i could. All i can do is honor her life and our love in every positive way possible. And as for Devon, i wont allow anyone to disrespect him, especially when he so unselfishly goes out of his way to help others.
B U D D H A
''An insincere and evil friend is
more to be feared than a wild beast;
a wild beast may wound your body,
but an evil friend will wound your mind."
Buddha
'the TRUTH prevails'
'i am curious to know, but scared to ask and the only thing that keeps me going is possibly my own foolish belief of what is and what will be. it could bring me peace or further deepen me into the depths of hell i am already living in.' ... ... ... ric berrong from his book 'the TRUTH prevails'
... because of people like you ...
i have no desire to live in this world anymore without SADDI
and it is because of people like you
and you know who you are
you only add to the cruel loneliness inside of my heart now
you say you are a friend, but if you read your words
TRULY read them
you would see the hurt you only add to my life
i know i owe you
but that DOES NOT mean i have to put up with how you belittle me
how you have no compassion for what i am going through
i regret i allowed you into my life
i regret allowing you to know anything about me
i regret this debt owed to you
it DOES NOT allow you to stab my already broken heart with your words
it DOES NOT
this world is not worth living in if it means having to be hurt by you
over
and over
and over again
i'd much rather be with SADDI than anywhere near people like you
and there are so many like you on this earth who show fake friendship
but true hurt
... May 10, 1996 ...
It had been 13 years earlier that my sweet Scruffy had died and 8 years since Frauline died in my arms. i had been giving thought to the idea of bringing another doggie into my life, but that really was all it was, just a thought. i had gone to shelters and seen hundreds of adorable puppies, but there was no connection. In my thinking about this important decision, i had already decided upon a name ... SAISAR. It means 'to seize' in French. And yet, with all the thinking about this, i wasn't sure i was truly ready for this important commitment.
A few days before, Shirley, a family friend, lost her precious Kolie Jo, and while at the vet paying the final bill, she noticed a sign posted about puppies being given away. Knowing i was thinking about this, Shirley invited me to go with her. i just wasn't sure, but she urged me just to go and check it out. i agreed, but didn't expect anything.
It was a warm spring day when we arrived at the house giving away the puppies. As soon as we got out of the car, me with my negative attitude, the mama doggie began barking loudly at us from the fenced yard. We chatted briefly with the humans while the mama doggie continued to bark. The humans went into the house to find the puppies and even before they could open the door, two puppies rushed out and started chasing one another in the very dry dirt yard. Crashing into one another, rolling around all over each other and completely ignoring the people around them. A slight dust cloud formed from their silly playing. But i noticed as the screen door was just about to close, a small black ball of fur walked out and made its way slowly off the porch. The other puppies endless energy kept them playing, while this bear cub looking puppy crossed the yard, in-between the crazy brother and sisters play. The mama doggie still barking from the other side of the fence. The long walk from the porch across the large dirt covered yard, dodging the brother and sister puppies insanity, this tiny black ball of fur had made its way over to me and sat upon my right foot. Putting her head on my leg and looking up at me. Shirley encouraged me to pick up the puppy to see what it felt like as she attempted to catch one of the other puppies. I paused, but seeing those soft brown eyes looking up at me, i figured i could at least pick up the little puppy.
Reaching down, the soft puppy belly in my hands, i lifted up this tiny little girl and placed her against my chest. As i did, she instantly snuggled her head into my neck and i realized at that moment that she had picked me. The choice was not mine to make, it was made for me.
Shirley kept trying to chase down one of the other puppies while 'SAISAR' snuggled against my neck, her paw rested on my chest. Once Shirley was able to capture the other female puppy, we thanked the humans for giving these puppies away. We offered to pay them something but they refused. They wanted the puppies to have a good home and were about to take them to the shelter. As we got back into the car, the mama doggies bark grew more into a cry. i wish i could have assured her that her babies were going to a good home. i wish i could say thank you, but at the time i truly didn't know the positive impact this day would have upon the rest of my life.
On the ride back home, Shirley's puppy couldn't stay still and was climbing all over her. 'SAISAR' laid peacefully against me, with her head on my leg. But her first car ride was a little much and she got sick. After being dropped off at the house, i took 'SAISAR' to her new backyard, a large open space that belonged only to her. As she explored, i realized that 'SAISAR' was a difficult name to call out, it sounded way too gay for even me to be saying, so i gave her the middle name of 'SADDI'. Saisar SADDI Berrong was home.
SADDI became very playful and i started chasing her around the yard. When i caught her, i would tickle her sides and she loved it, a big smile on her adorable face looked as if she was laughing. When i got down on the ground with her, she would come at me and snuggle her face against mine with lots of sweet puppy breath kisses. i found a couple of tennis balls for SADDI to play with, but she seemed more interested in an empty two liter plastic bottle. She wasn't able to pick it up until i crashed it down and then she would carry it around the yard as i chased her. My neighbor, who was mowing her lawn, stopped to look over the fence. She was concerned i had gone crazy as she could only see me running around the yard. Once she saw SADDI, it all made sense to her.
The other neighbors dog, Jack, was barking at the fence so SADDI went over to say hi. Jack lifted his leg to pee in SADDI's face. After some play and what the other doggie had just done, i had to give SADDI her first bath. She smelled so bad. So i carried her into the house, of course her head rested against my neck, and placed her into the kitchen sink. But once the water was on, she wanted NOTHING to do with this situation. SADDI's mama was a chow and her daddy was lab, SADDI got her mama's side of not liking water. But this needed to be done, so SADDI's stood up in the sink and placed her paws on my chest with her very sharp nails digging into my chest. Looking at me the entire time i washed her, SADDI cried. Finally finished, i tried to dry her off with a white towel, but she ran away from me. i never understood this, but SADDI had a fear of white towels for a long time. And she always became more aggressive towards white dogs than others.
i decided to take my own shower, after stepping into it, SADDI cried loudly at the closed door. Dripping wet, i stepped out and opened the door so she could see me. But even through the glass door she could see me, she still cried. So while i cleaned myself, i had to keep the shower door open and talking with her the entire time. She sat outside, tail wagging, looking up at me. That night, as i got into bed, SADDI sat at the foot of the bed crying. i asked her to get on the bed and she quickly jumped up and cuddled closely against me. Something that never changed in our years together. SADDI had her own pillow and when needed would be covered with a blanket.
Happy anniversary my dear SADDI. On May 10, 1996 you changed me for the better forever. And though i spend this day without you now, and all the other days to come, i do know how very blessed i am for being picked by you. Words cannot fully express how very much i love you SADDI, but i will do my best to ensure everyone who had the honor of knowing you and those who should have known you understand what a very special girl you are. i miss you so terribly much, a pain that fills my heart, but i know one day soon we will be together again.
your rici
... why gay marriage is important to ME ...
Devon and rici talk with Basic Rights Oregon about why gay marriage is important
...S...A...D...D...I...
so happy
so filled with joy
so spoiled as she enjoyed all the much deserved attention
the greatest joys of my entire life are seeing SADDI happy
... the meaning of HAPPINESS ...
We miss and love you so very much SADDI.
... one year ago ...
This is the last picture taken of SADDI and me.
Look carefully and you will see SADDI's paw resting on my chest.
It was a year ago today, March 17, 2009, that i went into the hospital with what i thought was a serious case of the flu, but turned out to be a near fatal infection. The doctors told me that had i waited one more day to come into the hospital, i likely would not have survived.
For four days, i was too weak to keep my head up for more than 10 minutes at a time. i stayed in bed, unable to eat, freezing cold, despite several blankets Devon had covered me with and sweating from a 103 temperature. The effort it took just for me to move into the living room, drained me so much i had to lay back down where i slept for several more hours.
The entire time i stayed in bed, SADDI laid closely against me. Her back against mine, her nose touching mine, her paw resting on my hand. The only times SADDI left my side were to eat and when Devn took her out for a walk. When SADDI got up to eat, she would always return to the bedroom to check on me. I would hear her taking a few bites and then her nails clicking across the hardwood floors to return to the bedroom. My entire body covered with the thick layer of blankets, only my eyes and nose exposed. SADDI would put her nose against mine, give me a little kiss and then return for a couple more bites before coming back into the bedroom. When Devon would get her leash, SADDI would jump off the bed, but as Devon put her leash on, SADDI kept looking over at me. Devon tried to pull her, but SADDI wouldn't leave until i told her it was okay. As soon as they returned, SADDI came into the bedroom to check on me again, even before getting something to drink or eat. During those four days and nights, SADDI's love and devotion were so strong, but again, it always was, even when she got sick, she took care of me.
i stayed in the hospital for seven days. After being moved from the emergency room, my first room looked over at our house and i begged them to move me. There was no way i could be in that room, looking over at our house and knowing SADDI was there worried about me. Being so close to her and not being able to be with her was difficult enough. Devon visited me twice daily, during lunch and dinner, so i could share my meal with him. He would tell me that SADDI usually sat at the dining room door, looking out the window crying for me. i spent my seven days and nights in that hospital bed crying from the distance from SADDI.
The day i was released, i lied and said i had someone to take me home. They wouldn't allow me to leave unless they felt someone could take me across the street to my home. Devon was working at the gallery that day and i was not about to wait until he got home to be able to go home. i was extremely weak and felt like i was going to pass out as i crossed the busy street, but i knew SADDI was waiting for me and that gave me strength. As i opened the gate, i saw SADDI standing at the door. She began her happy dance as i opened the door. Instantly she began barking at me, with love, telling me how unhappy she was that i hadn't been home. I went to bed, SADDI tightly cuddled against me. When Devon returned home, SADDI didn't leave my side to greet him, she just looked up when Devon came into the bedroom.
This is the last picture taken of SADDI and me. After i returned from the hospital, SADDI's cancerous growth grew larger and i wouldn't allow any pictures to be taken of her. SADDI died on August 9, 2009, as i held her, kissing her ear and telling her how very much i love her. In her last moment of life, SADDI looked up at me, lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. Even at the end, SADDI took care of me.
i miss SADDI so very much. But the love we share lives on forever and every now and then i still feel SADDI near me. Doing what she can to still care for her rici.
... confusion ...
i don't have the answers, it is likely i even have more questions than most. i am just as lost, just as confused and so very lonely in my efforts to find what it is that will give me peace. possibly, there will never be that peace i seek, because when i seem close there always is another question needing to be answered. people believe they understand my journey, which is impossible since i struggle with it on my own. i cannot even begin to understand their own path, because it is not something we truly are sharing. each of us takes our own steps, goes our own direction and some of even fall. i will never understand those who so easily walk away when they are needed the most. those who can express love while abusing that trust. i will never understand the cruelty that some seem so easily able to give. i came across a picture of a time that i remembered smiling, but i see it today and i feel the darkness of what truly was. i remember dreaming and feeling the confidence to make a difference. but now i don't remember what that feeling felt like. all i feel today is a deep emptiness within my heart that could never be repaired, replaced or filled again. you don't understand, do you? i don't expect that you could or even should, because i can't. with envy i watch others, some deserving some not, enjoying the celebrations within their live and heart. comforted and supported and encouraged. i can only see this from a distance. i truly do not seek or desire anyone's attempts at comforting thoughts or actions. it wont change anything that was or will never be. i only hope others will see past the fog of my confusion and accept that every journey is different. each path has its own beginning, middle and of course, its own end.
... 7 months now ...
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