... SADDI is still with me ...
... i love you SADDI ...
On the ride home, my friends puppy couldn't stay still and was crawling all over her. But 'SADDI' peacefully rested her body against me. When we returned home, i took SADDI into the large backyard that we had and she quickly began to explore. She then started to chase after me and i would chase her. My neighbor was mowing her lawn, but kept looking over at me. Finally she stopped and walked over to the fence to see what i was doing. She thought i had gone crazy, as she couldn't see SADDI yet.
Later, i knew i had to give SADDI a bath, so i put her in the kitchen sink and quickly found out that SADDI hated being in the water. She stood up on her back legs and dug her tiny, but very sharp, nails into my chest as she cried the entire time i washed her. i tried to dry her off, but she kept running away from me, for some reason she was scared of the white towel, but always welcomed being dried off by any other color towel.
i decided that i needed my own shower, but SADDI stood outside the closed door and howled a loud cry. Stepping out, soaking wet, i opened the door to see SADDI sitting there, her tiny tail wagging. i invited her to join me, but she only let out a small bark. So long as i left the door open, where she could see me through the shower curtain, she seemed okay.
After a long day of playing, it was time for bed. As i laid down, SADDI stood at the foot of the bed crying. i told her to come up, there is where we would be sleeping. With some effort, she jumped up onto the mattress sitting on the floor and took her place on the pillow next to me. (For the next 13.5 years, that was the way it always was, SADDI had to lay next to me. When Devon entered our life, SADDI would not have it for Devon and i to cuddle. She made that clear on Devon's first day by hitting him with her paw until he slightly moved away from me and she was able to jump in-between us.)
At the time, i wasn't working, so SADDI and i spent the next five days getting to know one another. She never let me out of her sights. But then i had to start my new graveyard shift job and had to leave SADDI alone for the first time. As i walked to the bus, two blocks away, i could still hear her crying. It broke my heart, i just wanted to run back to her. For 13.5 years, it never changed, we hated being apart from one another. And when i returned home, SADDI always let me know how upset she was, but it didn't take long before i was forgiven and given many kisses.
It's now 15 years since that very special day and 21 months since SADDI was taken from me. i celebrate this day but with heavy tears from my eyes and heart. i miss my little girl so very much and truly cannot wait until the day we are reunited again. SADDI was never just a dog or a pet, she is my best friend, the love of my life and now my inspiration to show others the kindness and compassion that was always given to me from SADDI.
Today, i am honored to devoted my energy to the SAISAR unlimited foundation. In SADDI's name, i give out treats, food, blankets and other supplies that i can afford (donations are welcomed) to doggies living on the streets with their humans and those doggies still living in shelters, awaiting their forever homes. For me, there is nothing more beautiful than the smile on a doggies face when they realize i have something special for them. It is SADDI's smile that always took away the stresses and pain from life. It is SADDI's love that gives me the strength to do what i do now. To honor and celebrate SADDI is my duty that i am so very proud to do.
Ric@BerrongGallery.com
... seeing you ...
and saw you, as a puppy, walking towards me
i was laying on the grass
and you walked right up to my face
... Celebrating SADDI ...
in honor of the 15th anniversary of SADDI's birth
Devon Yan~Berrong did this painting for me
... Happy Birthday SADDI ...
Happy Birthday SADDI.
To honor your memory and celebrate you,
i took doggie treats to the Oregon Humane Society and the Pixie Project.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation is very important to me because you, SADDI,
are so very special and important to me.
i am forever devoted to honoring your memory and sharing our beautiful love story.
Happy Birthday SADDI.
i love you so much.
i miss you so very much.
... Shattered Trust ...
i have no trust in humans
Never will i again
Friends and family have betrayed me
With ease and no discomfort they easily walked away
Friends and family have betrayed me
With excuses that allows them a pathetic reasoning to be cruel
Don't call yourselves friends if you have no clue as to the meaning of being a friend
Don't call yourselves family when your blood is cold, just like your heart
i have no use for your abuse
No use to have my trust shattered by your knife within my heart
Friendship doesn't leave you when it is needed the most
The act is selfish
Friendship stands by you, to support you, in times of need
Releasing your selfish urges to show compassion and understanding
To share in the tears
The laughter
The hopes and successes
Even the failures and darkness
In my life, i have watched so many walk out of my life
Taking my trust and love with them
Leaving me with the regret that i ever tried
The guilt of what had been wasted on them
Friends of a few months and even several years walked away
Never looking back at the emotional mess they left behind
Family took it upon their self to judge, without looking at their own sins
Family?
A word and emotion that no longer carries meaning to me
My laughter builds thinking of the meaning of family
While watching my own family shattering and reinventing the meaning
So it fits their betrayal
i have no trust in humans
Never will i again
However, what they all lack is what i celebrate
What i embrace
What guides me away from their feeding of forced negatives
i know the meaning of friendship
i know the meaning of family
i know the meaning of love
It was all taught and shared with me by the most glorious being ever
And it is because of SADDI that i am able to live
No one else has giving me that reason
Not even found within myself
But because of SADDI, i know truth
Because of SADDI, i know friendship
Because of SADDI, i know family
Because of SADDI, i know love
Because of SADDI, i know me
Maybe i am fucking crazy
Now, in a small wooden box, sitting above the fireplace, surrounded by pictures and memories, wrapped in her favorite scarf, are SADDI's ashes. i kiss and speak to this box daily, unsure if SADDI still hears me, but it gives me comfort to have some way to talk with her. i miss my SADDI, my best friend, the love of my life, so very much. i need her.
Often i will lay with this wooden box on my chest and i am able to have the deepest sleep. Just like when SADDI was here, she would sleep tightly against me, where i wasn't able to move, and it was the most comfortable and fulfilling sleep. Last night, i laid the wooden box on the pillow next to my head, kissing it three times and saying aloud "good night SADDI". Within moments, i was asleep. Hours later, as i slowly began to awake, my head against the wooden box, it felt as if SADDI's body was against my back. i tried to go back to sleep, not wanting to awake to the reality that it was only the blanket rolled up against me. There are moments when i feel SADDI near me and i try to cling to them so they wont go away.
So maybe i am crazy. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore, because those i did care about have taken it upon themselves to betray the meaning of friendship we shared. SADDI was, is and forever will be my best friend and the love of my life. To survive without her, i need to do whatever possible to feel her close to me still. And if humans cannot understand and respect my devotion to SADDI, they are missing out on the beauty of the love story SADDI and i share.
... Once upon a time when i was a photographer ...
... Happy endings only happen in Hollywood movies. Reality is found in living life and it is not always a happy ending ...
It has all been lost and destroyed
People will come and go in life
Without concern or worry for whom they have hurt
Humans are selfish and often cruel
Their examples within my own life have proven their value is limited
Sometimes even worthless
i look forward to the day of being released from this earth
Reunited with my SADDI
With whom i was always loved and safe
The years we spent alone will forever be my happiest memories
... alone at Christmas ...
This year, 16 months after my beautiful SADDI was taken from me, nothing much had changed. No feeling for the holiday, though i have tried. Cards sent out, few received. Purchased material gifts for Devon and asked only for a drawing of SADDI and i together. Instead, i received a sweater. Battling pneumonia, my sleep has been limited, so i awoke early Christmas day morning and waited the hours before starting a special breakfast for Devon. Upon waking up, instead of a hug or acknowledgement of the day, Devon went to straight to the computer to update his games and check his e-mails. Enough was enough is enough. After giving him breakfast, i had to be out of this cold old house and find a place for peace. But with no money, friends or family, i had no where to go but to sit in the lobby of the hospital across the street and try to do some writing. All i could really do was cry.
Just another day. Like every other day. No holiday. Just another day without my SADDI.
... the TRUTH (and cancer) prevails ...
On August 9, 2009, the love of my life, Saisar SADDI Berrong, died in my arms after a brave battle with cancer. Because of our limited finances, we sought help from Dove Lewis. Despite a $10,000 a month donation fund for those struggling with vet cost, SADDI was denied treatment. The extremely heartless and cruel people of Dove Lewis wouldn't even look at SADDI, they wouldn't even get closer than 10 feet from her, they just told us to go elsewhere and not to come back to them because they couldn't do anything for her. After SADDI's death, i received several uncaring e-mails from Dove Lewis CEO, Ron Morgan, wanting to know what happen when we came in with SADDI. He showed no compassion to the fact that SADDI has just died, he only cared about how Dove Lewis would be seen for their pathetic lack of treatment.Today, i live with the daily guilt of being unable to take care of my beautiful baby girl. She was so damn brave and even in her last moment of life, she reached her paw up and rested it on my hand to give me comfort. For 13 1/2 glorious years together, she always took care of me and i failed her when she needed me.
i have learned that i have a cancerous tumor under my left nipple. i DO NOT want any sympathy nor do i need any advice, since i was unable to give SADDI the needed medical care she needed and deserved, i will not seek any for myself. i've known for a couple of weeks about my condition, but could not say anything, even to Devon, as this was his time to shine and i was not about to distract from that. i also did not want him worrying about me when all his focus needed to be on DEVONATION. The ONLY reason for saying anything now is so we can move forward and hopefully the positive energy can be directed to Devon.
Devon has such a brilliant career ahead of him, with his art and fashion designs. Words truly cannot express how truly proud of him i am. Devon still struggles with past negatives within his life, so it can be difficult for him to believe all the praise he is receiving. Sadly, if one person has a negative comment but one hundred people say something positive, he clings to the negative because that is basically what he has heard much of his life. Before i go, i want to assure Devon that the truths he hears are the positives and the negatives are just coming from thoughtless unworthy jealous people. i want Devon to embrace the huge reaction he received from the final runway walk that he was almost denied. i get emotional just thinking about it. Devon has truly been a blessing to my heart and life. After so-called friends selfishly left our life and especially after SADDI was taken from us.
As for me, i guess i need to get busy since i have a time limit now. It is my great honor to share the beautiful love story of SADDI and me. This is what i have to share, what i have to leave for the world.
... 5am ...
... i need you so much ...
Selfishly
Cruelly
Unable to accept the hurt i am going through in missing you
And i do miss you so very much SADDI
When life pressed down heavily upon me
You were always there to love and comfort me
When people pretended to care
Only when they truly needed something
And not when my needs mattered
You always supported me
Reminding me that only we truly mattered
And it was so true
All i ever needed was you
Now, more than ever before, all i truly need is to be with you
i no longer feel safe SADDI
i no longer know the meaning of trust
And within this world, i no longer no the meaning of friendship
i need you SADDI
i miss you
i need to be with you
i love you so much SADDI
... SADDI, my love ...
One of our favorite places to be,
along the waterfront on a cool spring day
Our favorite place to be
TOGETHERAnd we will be again, soon
Those adorable ears
i miss talking to you
You were always, and continue to be,
the only one i could truly trust
Not only are you the love of my life
You are my best friend
... i am so sorry SADDI ...
daily i live with the guilti did not do enough
i could not do more
the best thing to ever happen to is gone forever because of me
i begged that it was me and not you
despite my failures, you still loved me so much
i wasn't worthy of that
though i do love you more than anything
you are my everything
my life, and i, are truly nothing without you
you are the best part of me
now, i deserve all the pain and suffering in my life without you
... remembering my silly SADDI ...
i'm remembering how much my silly SADDI hated to get wet, despite being half lab (the other half chow and full spoiled). SADDI would cry while i gave her a bath, even though i was naked in the bath with her, talking to try and calm her. After toweling her off, she would lay on the bed giving me dirty looks. If i was working in the yard and went to get the hose to water the roses, SADDI would run into the house to hide. But my favorite memory is when i would open the door to take SADDI for a walk and the ground was wet from a fresh rain. SADDI would look at the wet sidewalk, up at me, back to the sidewalk and again up at me with an expression of her beautiful face that seemed to say 'do i really have to go to the bathroom so badly that it would mean getting my feet wet?'. After a long pause to think it over, SADDI would gently step out onto the damp sidewalk on the tips of her toes until she finally realized she couldn't walk like this very well and gave into getting her feet wet so she could take her walk.
i miss you so very much lil girl
SADDI, i love you
... now what? ...
Everything within my life has changed
Not only was the love of my taken from me
But friends, who i thought were friends, are no longer
Betraying the trust we shared
That we had built over many years
Uncaring to the reality that i must live
A life, what remains of it, without the greatest joy i have ever known
An entire year has passed since my SADDI was taken from me
365 days of feeling numb
Of having to defend my tears
Of feeling so incredibly lonely
Of only wanting one thing out of life now
To be out of this life now
... no reason to celebrate June 20 ...
i came out to my family in 1997 and was embraced warmly with comments that they already knew, but were waiting for me to accept it. But in 1998, my then partner had a surprise birthday party for me and sent out invites that he had made by hand, which was really special since he suffered from OCD. The front of the card read 'It's My Baby's Birthday' with details to the party inside. Well, my family felt that was "inappropriate" and decided not to come to the party. That was 13 years ago and i have not spoken to my family since. Their belief was it is fine for me to be gay, just not happy. i have complete peace with this because they are wrong and cruel, but for this to happen on my birthday was devastating for a period of time.
And then last year, i lost the light that guided my heart, my SADDI. Words are difficult to express how empty my life is without her. i have been blessed with the love and support of Devon, but even he does not always know how to comfort me. i lost a couple of friends after SADDI died because they could not handle to see me so depressed.
Last year on my birthday, i only wanted one thing and that was to be with SADDI. Devon worked at the gallery that day, so SADDI and i had the entire day to ourselves. We played in the yard, took a walk and best of all had a wonderful nap cuddling together. It was great. I made spaghetti for dinner and watched with joy as SADDI cleaned her bowl completely. SADDI was starting to get sick and in the back of my mind i had a feeling it was likely the last birthday of mine we would share. SADDI died in my arms less than two months later.
Say and feel what you will, but please respect and understand my emotions are likely different than yours. i am barely surviving, struggling daily without my beautiful SADDI. i truly don't want to be here without her, but i also do not believe in suicide. Many have been so cruel to my emotions as to easily say that is hould go out and get another 'dog', clearly not knowing or respecting how much SADDI and i mean to one another. How much i need her. She is my child, would they tell a 'human' to go out and just get another child if theirs had just died?
i do not celebrate my birthday by choice, though i love to honor everyone else on their day of birth and times they have fulfilled another piece of the puzzle that builds to complete them. i will also celebrate Devon for all his amazing accomplishments. But what remains of my own life is meant to focus on celebrating and honoring SADDI, ensuring that her life is remembered by those who had the great pleasure to know her and to introduce her to those who can only know her by my own precious and cherished memories. The only way i wish to be remembered, here and when i am gone, is by being known as SADDI's best friend and she being the true love of my life.
... June 9, 2010 ...
i love you SADDI, my goofy baby girl
... Life, or something like it ...
And though i still have limits, i still have Devon to care for. i do what i can to ensure he has what he needs and even little extra's so he knows how very much i love and need him. But i also have to protect Devon from the often cruel world we live in.
As you all know, Devon is an accomplished internationally known professional artist. His artwork has been seen in coffeehouses, galleries, websites and we are always receiving interest from all around the world about his art. Currently he is working on designing clothing for his own fashion line. Devon is very busy and i respect that our time to spend together is limited because he is fulfilling his dreams. But for someone to believe, and say so in a rather heartless manner, that something Devon worked so hard on, with so much time and attention to details, isn't good enough for their tiny local project has been quite hurtful for Devon. Devon wont tell people how he is feeling, but it comes out to me at times with hurtful words that he doesn't mean. As i have told Devon, people should be honored that he takes the time out to do these little projects when he has so many more important things he wants to give his time and attention to.
i don't care anymore how people continue to hurt me with their thoughtless comments about how i should be living my life without SADDI. i have come to realize that they never knew a love so beautiful and so true that fulfills their life and heart, so they have no clue as to what i am feeling and going through. But no one says or does anything negative towards SADDI or Devon. NO ONE!!! i cannot change what happen to SADDI, though i would give up everything if i could. All i can do is honor her life and our love in every positive way possible. And as for Devon, i wont allow anyone to disrespect him, especially when he so unselfishly goes out of his way to help others.
B U D D H A
''An insincere and evil friend is
more to be feared than a wild beast;
a wild beast may wound your body,
but an evil friend will wound your mind."
Buddha
'the TRUTH prevails'
'i am curious to know, but scared to ask and the only thing that keeps me going is possibly my own foolish belief of what is and what will be. it could bring me peace or further deepen me into the depths of hell i am already living in.' ... ... ... ric berrong from his book 'the TRUTH prevails'
... because of people like you ...
i have no desire to live in this world anymore without SADDI
and it is because of people like you
and you know who you are
you only add to the cruel loneliness inside of my heart now
you say you are a friend, but if you read your words
TRULY read them
you would see the hurt you only add to my life
i know i owe you
but that DOES NOT mean i have to put up with how you belittle me
how you have no compassion for what i am going through
i regret i allowed you into my life
i regret allowing you to know anything about me
i regret this debt owed to you
it DOES NOT allow you to stab my already broken heart with your words
it DOES NOT
this world is not worth living in if it means having to be hurt by you
over
and over
and over again
i'd much rather be with SADDI than anywhere near people like you
and there are so many like you on this earth who show fake friendship
but true hurt
... May 10, 1996 ...
It had been 13 years earlier that my sweet Scruffy had died and 8 years since Frauline died in my arms. i had been giving thought to the idea of bringing another doggie into my life, but that really was all it was, just a thought. i had gone to shelters and seen hundreds of adorable puppies, but there was no connection. In my thinking about this important decision, i had already decided upon a name ... SAISAR. It means 'to seize' in French. And yet, with all the thinking about this, i wasn't sure i was truly ready for this important commitment.
A few days before, Shirley, a family friend, lost her precious Kolie Jo, and while at the vet paying the final bill, she noticed a sign posted about puppies being given away. Knowing i was thinking about this, Shirley invited me to go with her. i just wasn't sure, but she urged me just to go and check it out. i agreed, but didn't expect anything.
It was a warm spring day when we arrived at the house giving away the puppies. As soon as we got out of the car, me with my negative attitude, the mama doggie began barking loudly at us from the fenced yard. We chatted briefly with the humans while the mama doggie continued to bark. The humans went into the house to find the puppies and even before they could open the door, two puppies rushed out and started chasing one another in the very dry dirt yard. Crashing into one another, rolling around all over each other and completely ignoring the people around them. A slight dust cloud formed from their silly playing. But i noticed as the screen door was just about to close, a small black ball of fur walked out and made its way slowly off the porch. The other puppies endless energy kept them playing, while this bear cub looking puppy crossed the yard, in-between the crazy brother and sisters play. The mama doggie still barking from the other side of the fence. The long walk from the porch across the large dirt covered yard, dodging the brother and sister puppies insanity, this tiny black ball of fur had made its way over to me and sat upon my right foot. Putting her head on my leg and looking up at me. Shirley encouraged me to pick up the puppy to see what it felt like as she attempted to catch one of the other puppies. I paused, but seeing those soft brown eyes looking up at me, i figured i could at least pick up the little puppy.
Reaching down, the soft puppy belly in my hands, i lifted up this tiny little girl and placed her against my chest. As i did, she instantly snuggled her head into my neck and i realized at that moment that she had picked me. The choice was not mine to make, it was made for me.
Shirley kept trying to chase down one of the other puppies while 'SAISAR' snuggled against my neck, her paw rested on my chest. Once Shirley was able to capture the other female puppy, we thanked the humans for giving these puppies away. We offered to pay them something but they refused. They wanted the puppies to have a good home and were about to take them to the shelter. As we got back into the car, the mama doggies bark grew more into a cry. i wish i could have assured her that her babies were going to a good home. i wish i could say thank you, but at the time i truly didn't know the positive impact this day would have upon the rest of my life.
On the ride back home, Shirley's puppy couldn't stay still and was climbing all over her. 'SAISAR' laid peacefully against me, with her head on my leg. But her first car ride was a little much and she got sick. After being dropped off at the house, i took 'SAISAR' to her new backyard, a large open space that belonged only to her. As she explored, i realized that 'SAISAR' was a difficult name to call out, it sounded way too gay for even me to be saying, so i gave her the middle name of 'SADDI'. Saisar SADDI Berrong was home.
SADDI became very playful and i started chasing her around the yard. When i caught her, i would tickle her sides and she loved it, a big smile on her adorable face looked as if she was laughing. When i got down on the ground with her, she would come at me and snuggle her face against mine with lots of sweet puppy breath kisses. i found a couple of tennis balls for SADDI to play with, but she seemed more interested in an empty two liter plastic bottle. She wasn't able to pick it up until i crashed it down and then she would carry it around the yard as i chased her. My neighbor, who was mowing her lawn, stopped to look over the fence. She was concerned i had gone crazy as she could only see me running around the yard. Once she saw SADDI, it all made sense to her.
The other neighbors dog, Jack, was barking at the fence so SADDI went over to say hi. Jack lifted his leg to pee in SADDI's face. After some play and what the other doggie had just done, i had to give SADDI her first bath. She smelled so bad. So i carried her into the house, of course her head rested against my neck, and placed her into the kitchen sink. But once the water was on, she wanted NOTHING to do with this situation. SADDI's mama was a chow and her daddy was lab, SADDI got her mama's side of not liking water. But this needed to be done, so SADDI's stood up in the sink and placed her paws on my chest with her very sharp nails digging into my chest. Looking at me the entire time i washed her, SADDI cried. Finally finished, i tried to dry her off with a white towel, but she ran away from me. i never understood this, but SADDI had a fear of white towels for a long time. And she always became more aggressive towards white dogs than others.
i decided to take my own shower, after stepping into it, SADDI cried loudly at the closed door. Dripping wet, i stepped out and opened the door so she could see me. But even through the glass door she could see me, she still cried. So while i cleaned myself, i had to keep the shower door open and talking with her the entire time. She sat outside, tail wagging, looking up at me. That night, as i got into bed, SADDI sat at the foot of the bed crying. i asked her to get on the bed and she quickly jumped up and cuddled closely against me. Something that never changed in our years together. SADDI had her own pillow and when needed would be covered with a blanket.
Happy anniversary my dear SADDI. On May 10, 1996 you changed me for the better forever. And though i spend this day without you now, and all the other days to come, i do know how very blessed i am for being picked by you. Words cannot fully express how very much i love you SADDI, but i will do my best to ensure everyone who had the honor of knowing you and those who should have known you understand what a very special girl you are. i miss you so terribly much, a pain that fills my heart, but i know one day soon we will be together again.
your rici
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