S A D D I
i have never met a soul or a heart as amazing as SADDI's.
On the day she picked me, i was lost and confused.
Lonely and seeking my meaning in life.
During our 13.5 years together, SADDI gave me love, friendship, hope
and meaning to my life.
i miss my precious best friend so much.
TRUTH and REALITY
People like Jaye, my family, Victor, Wora, Aleska, Anita
and many more names, make me question
everything about being human and friendship.
i know i shouldn't allow these kind of people
to affect me, but there have been so many
and there are so many like them in this world.
i'm tired of it.
i truly have no more energy for anything.
S A D D I
i was going through a serious emotional breakdown, so i went into the bathroom, closed the door and shaved my head. When i came out of the bathroom, SADDI looked at me with confusion and then started to slowly back up while barking at me. i tried to calm her with my voice, but it seemed to confuse her even more. Finally i got down on the floor, talking to her and she slowly started to come towards me. When i reached out my hand, she sniffed as though i was a stranger. She sniffed my now bald head and finally gave it a couple of kisses. And then we could play again.
i miss you so much SADDI
S L E E P
May 24, 2016
i'm ready to close my eyes forever.
To drift away into an endless sleep.
Facing forever alone in a deep slumber.
i doubt i will dream.
i know i wont ever awake.
The life i have lived is full of regret.
In the time that remains, there is too much to conquer.
i could cure an illness.
Feed all the poor.
Cleanse the air and water.
And it will never release me from the guilt i feel.
Nor do i seek such peace.
Deserve it.
If my eternal rest is haunted by my greatest regret.
So be it.
i accept it.
But i know i am ready.
If tomorrow never comes.
Never shall be seen again.
i open my arms ready to embrace it.
Nor tears should ever be shed for me.
As i have none for myself anymore.
As the light fades at the end of the day.
So does the feeling of wanting to be.
To stay.
Every Step You Take
It's been a couple of weeks since i was given my leg and the process of learning how to walk again is slow. Too slow. There are times i have more confidence than other times, but i am still so very cautious. The weather is improving and all i want to do is go out and take pictures. Get a job. Have my freedom back.
But even standing i have issues with balance.
i get around the house with relative ease, but that's because i have furniture and walls to hold onto. Outside i clutch my cane with a tight grip. Instead of looking ahead of me, or enjoying the beauty of life around me, i'm normally looking down at the sidewalk to see where my next step will land. Even the slightest uneven sidewalk, i have a moment of fear that i will trip on it and have a difficult time getting up on my own.
Yesterday, while taking the trash/recycling to the curb, my knee buckled and i fell. i have my cell fone with me at all times, so i called Devon to see if he could come out and help me get up. But he was ignoring his fone, so i tried to balance myself and the rolling cart to be able to get up again.
Yesterday, while taking the trash/recycling to the curb, my knee buckled and i fell. i have my cell fone with me at all times, so i called Devon to see if he could come out and help me get up. But he was ignoring his fone, so i tried to balance myself and the rolling cart to be able to get up again.
Nearly ten months of not walking, the short distances i am able to venture out to take so much out of me. Just a short trip to our backyard, i break out into a sweat on a not too warm day.
After a fall down the stairs a few months ago, before i had my leg, i'm still having a visit from a nurse twice a week to care for wounds on my good leg. They were healing really well, but the past couple of weeks they seem to be leaking a lot more. My blood pressure has been very high and fluid has built up in my leg causing swelling. So i have concerns about the health of my good leg. Emotionally or financially i could not handle another major setback. i'm back on a high blood pressure pill and the swelling has gone down slightly, but a side effect of the pills is that it makes me pee a lot. And when i have a feeling of needing to pee, there is no waiting, it has to be done right away.
=======================================
Devon has started working for Chihuly Glass Garden under the Space Needle as a tour guide. After training, his first day of work, he came back cruelly grumpy. i tried to be understanding, but i begged him not to take it out on me. His back was sore and he was tired. After a shower and a back massage from me, he was in a better mood. The money he makes wont go to help us or even entertain us. He has to send the money back to China for an apartment his parents bought without Devon even seeing it. So, as it has been since Devon and i have been together, i have the stress of the bills, rent, groceries, laundry and cleaning the house. And he'd rather go out with his friends lately than go out with me.
The second weekend i had my leg, where i had some confidence to walk, Devon was gone for several days with his friends. i was devastated, but use to it. When he is home, he's usually in the front room working on his fashions or sitting a few feet away from me on the computer, either time with earphones on. If i try to get his attention, i'm made to feel belittled.
==========================================
i know that everything negative thing happening to me is deserved. i failed SADDI in allowing the cancer to take her away from me, as much as i desire peace and happiness, i don't deserve it and never will. i miss SADDI so much.
Celebrate Life
Normally i'm greeted at my front door by a squirrel, especially if i am late with their breakfast.
Today i was greeted by a hummingbird
who hovered for a moment, looking at me,
flew down and looked at my fake leg
and then went to the feeder for a drink.
S A D D I
Just remembering
the special love
and faithful devotion.
We went through a lot together
and i know i would not have survived
without SADDI.
Living All Alone
May 14, 2016
Devon is away ... again. He'd rather spend time with his friends than be with me ... which deeply hurts since i have my leg now and i'm getting around a lot better. This isn't the first time, i'm sure it wont be the last.
i've asked him for months to clean the garage (actually since October of last year). So i spent much of my first good day cleaning the garage and getting rid of stuff that i have for some reason clung to. Always thinking life would change for the better, but it never has.
It was a much cooler day than yesterday, but i found myself sweating a lot. And it felt good. Months of basically being stationary inside the house, i feel so accomplished in what i was able to do. i wanted to do more, but i have to be so careful not to ruin this forward process i'm in.
Honestly, just a few weeks ago, i never thought i would feel like this. One of the problems though, i'll come into the house, take off the leg so i can relax my stump and then i forget for a moment my situation and start to get up without putting the leg back on. Thankfully i catch myself before i fall on my face.
As for the future, i'm uncertain if it includes Devon. i'm so tired of being used and taken advantage of. He may start working soon, but it wont help us at all because he has to send it all to his parents. So the rent, the bills, the groceries and keeping the house clean is all up to me ... still. When i start working again (hopefully soon), everything will still be expected of me. It's overwhelming ... but is it worth it.
Thank You Anne
Overwhelmed with depression and loneliness, i called my neighbor Anne to see if she had made her near daily trip to the grocery store and if i could join her. Just to get away from the empty house and my dangerous thoughts. Although she hadn't planned to, she offered to take me to the store, where i didn't need anything ... i was just looking for company. A friend. Anne was so wonderful taking me on an extended detour to the store. A beautiful ride on a Seattle spring afternoon along Alki beach, through the hills of amazing houses, passing the busy shopping junction and soaking in the glorious life i have longed to see and live. Our ride was only about an hour long, but the view and the friendship was what this soul desperately needed to find hope for tomorrow.
A N N E
Our neighbor Anne has been such a blessing these past several months. Since Devon wasn't around much of the time that i didn't have a leg, Anne would get our mail ... rain or shine ... warm or cold. She is always so encouraging. Many times when she brought over the mail, she would bring me sugar-free treats.
Today, with Devon gone AGAIN, i was bored and lonely. i went out for one of my short walks on this amazingly beautiful day when i called Anne to see if she had made her nearly daily visit to the grocery store. She hadn't planned to, but she knew i had basically been trapped in the house for 10 months. She agreed to take me to the nearby store.
But we took a longggggg detour to get to the store, which was fine with me. Anne has lived in this area most of her 67 years, so she knows all the side roads and area''s where there are beautiful houses and gardens. She took me for a drive along Alki beach, which on a day like today, even though it's a Friday, it was packed. Beautiful views of downtown Seattle across the wonderfully blue Puget Sound.
When stopped at the store, mainly so i could buy a lottery ticket and just look around, and my leg felt good. The hardest part was getting in and out of her car.
Even though we were gone for only about an hour, i feel so refreshed and calmer.
i have been feeling so hopeless and depressed for so long, just seeing life again, renewed life inside of me.
i really can't anymore
After nearly ten months of being unable to walk, stuck in the house, bored, depressed, alone ... i finally have my leg and i am learning to walk again. My successes are small, maybe walking about 4 blocks. But i'm able to do it. Even though it takes so much out of me.
So here i am, the second weekend with my leg, able to walk and get out of the house ... and Devon decides to spend the weekend with his friends again. He has done this often while i am recovering. He knows, but doesn't care how much it devastates me. And these friends, he has ensured i haven't met, but he has made a point of telling these friends have told him he should leave me.
Devon and i have been together for nearly ten years, married for almost two and during this time he has never worked or help with the rent, bills, groceries nor does he help maintain the house unless i beg him. Recently he called me and needed his social security number, he thought it was upstairs. i hadn't been upstairs in months and i was still getting use to my leg ... but i went up there to look for what he needed. The room was a disaster. Material covering the floor, i had to be so careful to walk over to the desk, trying not to step on any of his materials. i couldn't find what he needed, where he thought it was, so i started to leave, barely able to step and i fell to my knees. i had to crawl through the room to the railing of the stairs to lift myself up. i called Devon and told him i couldn't find what he needed and that because the room was such a mess, i fell. He was more worried about my not finding his social security card. Over a week now, i went upstairs again to close the windows, the room is even more of a mess. He has time to watch his video's on the computer, hang out with his friends, even help his friends ... but when it comes to us ... me ... he takes advantage of the situation.
i honestly cannot take it anymore.
All the stresses of the bills, rent, groceries, cleaning fall on me. And being unable to escape the house, my depression has worsened to the point i'm ready to check out.
During the time i was stuck at home, except for the nurse who cared for my wounds and our neighbor Anne who brought over the mail when Devon was away, i only had one visitor. Otherwise, my only company was the TV. When Devon was here, he'd usually be sitting at his computer, with his earphones on. If i tried to talk to him, he'd snap at me with attitude.
i try so much to send positive energy out to the world, i guess i shouldn't expect to get any of it back.
Emotionally, i am so drained.
As i learn how to walk again, i know i can't even depend upon or even ask Devon to join me ... or help me.
i have cried so much lately and at least once a week i think about ending this journey of mine. But i try to hold onto hope for the future. But it's clear, that hope will never be.
ric berrong
May 13, 2016
S A D D I
May 12, 2016
This current journey i have been on these past several months have been extremely lonely. More than once i have thought about checking out, even tried it over the holidays. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking of SADDI waiting for me. i am not a man of great faith, but i do think if i take my own life i may never see SADDI again. And for allowing SADDI to die of cancer, i deserve what i am going through and feeling. i truly look forward to the day when SADDI see's me from the #RainbowBridge ... her tail wagging widely and barking at me, then jumping up and down until i grab her in my arms and never let go.
Two Weeks
It's been two weeks since i have been given my leg. The wound remains closed and looks good according to the nurse who comes to the house to care for all my wounds. i'm now up to walking 5 blocks, but i get so tired.
This warm afternoon, i really wanted to call my neighbor, Anne, to see if she would come pick me up ... i was a block away from the house. But i stood for a moment under some shade and was able to continue on.
i'm told it will take sometime to get my stamina back after not walking for nearly 10 months. But everyday does get easier and the leg, even though tight, feels more comfortable. My balance is also getting better, but i still don't have full confidence.
It feels so stupid how easily i get tired, but i'm not going to quit so easily ... as i have all my life.
i can get around the house okay without my cane, but until i feel fully confident, i use my cane during my walks. i'm hopeful that with time i will be able to be cane-free. i'm really looking forward to going back to work so i can make a better life for Devon and i. Not sure what i'll be able to do, but i no longer want to sit at home watching crap TV anymore.
My goal this weekend will be to clean the garage and maybe extend my walking distance. i'm okay with walking uphills, i get nervous walking downhill, but i need the practice.
S A D D I
One of my favorites memories was watching SADDI and Devon chasing each other around the yard or inside the house. When Devon turned things around and started chasing SADDI, she'd run, a big smile on her face and her adorable ears pulled back. She'd jump on the bed, expecting Devon to catch her there, but he'd stop and hide in room next to the bedroom. SADDI would jump off the bed looking for him, he'd jump out scaring her and they start chasing each other again. She always fell for that trick, by the smile on her face, she loved it every time.
May 10, 1996
i'm filled with many emotions today. Missing my SADDI so much. Flooded with so many memories.
It was a warm May afternoon, in 1996, when i went to a house offering few chow/lab puppies. Our family friend, Shirley, had just lost her dog and wanted to get another one right away. It had been eight years for me, i wasn't sure if i was ready, so i agree to go just to look.
When we arrived at the house, the Mommy chow was outside with a couple of puppies, who were already spoken for. Out of 9 puppies, there were three female puppies still available. The Mommy was barking like crazy.
When the humans opened the door to allow the puppies, two of them ran out into the dry dirt yard and went crazy chasing each other. Crashing into tree's while the dry dirt made a low cloud for the puppies to get dirty.
Shirley attempted to grab one of the puppies, but the puppy was too busy chasing her sister. Just then, as the screen door to the house was about to close, a black ball of fur walked out and made her way down the steps of the porch. Her sisters were still running around like crazy puppies will do. But this little puppy, who looked like a bear cub, ignored them and walked straight towards me. Avoiding her sisters completely, she walked straight over and sat on my foot. She put her head on my leg, looking up at me.
Shirley told me to pick her, i wasn't ready. She said, pick her up just to see how it feels. So i bent down, lifted her into my arms and she snuggled her head against my neck.
At that moment, i realized i was picked.
Shirley was finally able to capture the puppy she wanted. The humans giving the puppies away refused to take any money, so we got into the car to leave. The Mommy was still barking, almost as if to say goodbye.
SADDI and i sat in the backseat. She laid peacefully against my leg Shirley was in the front seat trying to hold onto her puppy, who was crawling all over her.
When we got home, i introduced SADDI to her new home. Even before i knew her, i had already picked out her name. Saisar SADDI Berrong. (Saisar means 'to seize' in french.)
SADDI loved her big backyard. She instantly started running around, chasing me and exploring.
Our neighbors had a dog, Jack, who SADDI went over to the fence to say hello to. Jack lifted his leg and peed in her face.
So i took SADDI inside to give her a bath in the sink. Despite being part lab, she hated it. As i washed her, she stood up on her back legs, her front legs on my chest and she cried. i tried to comfort her by talking to her, but as i sprayed water on her, she dug her tiny sharp nails into me. i tried to dry her off, but she wanted nothing to do with the white towel. i found another towel, darker color, and she was fine with that one.
We went back outside to play. Our other neighbor was mowing her lawn and kept looking over to our yard. Finally she turned off her mower and came over and looked over the fence. She said she was worried that i was going crazy running around the yard, but then she saw SADDI.
As it started to get cold, we went back inside and i decided to take a shower. i closed the door and got into the shower. SADDI stood outside the bathroom door crying. i stepped out of the shower, dripping wet and opened the door. SADDI didn't like that she couldn't see me, so i had to leave the door open while shower.
After i dried off and got dressed, i chased her around the house with the white towel. i found some of my old socks she could play with. There were 5 socks spread across the living room floor, as she played with one, i'd pretend i was playing with another one. She didn't like that, so she'd come get the one i was playing with. i'd move to a new sock and she would come for that one too. Even as a 9 week old puppy, she was so strong as she tried to tug the sock away from me.
It was getting late, so time for bed. i laid down, while SADDI stood at the front of the bed crying. i told her to get up here, it was now her bed too. She jumped up, gave me several kisses and laid on the pillow next to me. It was like that for the next 13.5 years, SADDI always had to lay next to me. Even when Devon entered our life, SADDI made sure she was between us, laying next to me.
That was our first day together 20 years ago.
S A D D I
Mothers Day 2016
SADDI taught me more and gave me more love than my birth mother. SADDI cared for me when i was sick ... emotionally or physically. SADDI never betrayed me. SADDI didn't judge me and loved me as i grew to learn to love myself. SADDI pampered me and encouraged me when i was lost and thought i was alone. And SADDI never allowed me to feel sorry for myself.
Yes, i celebrate SADDI everyday and i wish more people knew her so they could see why i count myself as blessed because of SADDI.
i love you so much SADDI. And words cannot express how much i miss us.
Two Blocks
May 7, 2016
i've had my leg for 10 days now, on this amazingly beautiful Seattle spring day, i took a longer walk than i have in nearly 10 months. It was only two blocks away from home, but after all this time unable to walk, it felt like it was around the world. i was tired, just a little sore, i wanted to walk even more, but knew i have to take it slowly. Just a few weeks ago, i never thought i would be at this point. And soon (hopefully) all my bad memories will be a very distant memory and i'll be able to do and go where ever i want with comfort, ease and confidence.
i still need to get very serious about my diet ... that seems to be my biggest hurdle.
Mothers Day
Many of us were not blessed with someone we honor or celebrate on this day. All the ads everywhere can often bring back difficult memories.
For those of us, i want to wish you a Happy #MotherNature Day. She never fails or betrays us and everyday day, where ever we look, she is giving us reason to celebrate.
Squirrel Saturday
Breakfast time.
i've stopped putting food on the porch because my Squirrel Friends are so messy. But my little Asian eyed friend doesn't understand this, so he'll pick something up from the sidewalk and then bring it onto the porch, close to me, to eat it.
S A D D I
SADDI was the best friend i have ever had. She would always listen to me with a look of understanding and concern. She would cuddle tightly against me after the beatings i received from an ex. SADDI taught me to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life ... as she did with a stick or pinecone. Despite what recent studies say, SADDI allowed me to hug her all the time. Unless we were in public, i wasn't allowed to even kiss her. But when i reminder her who gave her snacks, then i could give hugs and kisses in public. She taught me to laugh during the most difficult times in my journey. And she loved to take me for long healthy walks ... unless it was raining. Words cannot express how much i miss my best friend and need her. No matter what happens in the future, i know i wont ever have a truly best and loyal friend.
May 5, 2016
Today was a good day.
A really good day.
i was feeling positive. My leg was feeling really good. i took a longer walk this morning ... which really isn't a walk compared to the way things use to be. But i wore the leg longer than i have and my leg looks good. i cleaned the garage a bit, broke down some boxes for recycling, sat on the porch and smoked a cigar, then cleaned out my closet.
i'm starting to feel human again. Confident in my ability to walk. i still have my cane, but when i went out for the mail, i went without it.
Each day seems to make me feel more hopeful about the future. It wasn't that long ago that i wished i wouldn't wake up in the morning. Or never believing this part of my life would be happening.
What's so strange,
after nine months of sitting,
i had forgotten how tall i am.
i was feeling so good and the weather was so wonderful, despite Devon being disrespectful AGAIN, i wanted to go to a special place, Katsu burger (Japanese style hamburgers), but he had a meeting and went to work at a restaurant he has been working for recently. So we'll try it another day. i've been wanting to go back to this place since the first time we tried it.
Next week i'll go grocery shopping and what a thrill it will be not to have to use the electric cart. i felt so small riding around in the cart. When i went into the garden section, i had to wait for a customer to open the doors to let me in/out. And the basket is so small, i never was able to get everything i really wanted to.
Below are pictures i took with my phone took during my mini walk.
May 3, 2016
A beautiful spring day.
After all these months of being home bound, i just want to walk. But i can't just do everything that i want to do as i get use to my new leg. But today i felt confident and strong, so i did more today than i have done in months. Starting off my day working with my weights, with more to do as they progresses and i put on my leg and watered the plants on the back porch, took a walk of about a block and swept the front porch. i know it's going to take a little time to finally feel comfortable with the leg where i can wear it all day, but the overwhelming feeling of being able to get out of the house inspires me.
When i took the walk on our block, i also took my camera with me hoping to capture some of the spring colors. i'm still dealing with balance issues and i need my cane, so the few pictures i took, a few of the weren't focused. But here is what i was able to capture during my brief short walk.
WoooHooo
i received my leg on Wednesday, April 27. i was nervous but excited. After nine months and several setbacks, i was more than ready to begin living again.
i took it very careful, only wearing it for short periods to get comfortable. i sat in the garage doing a little cleaning. Walked to the mailbox. But not too much. On Friday, i put my bench inside the shower, but was still nervous to go in. My last shower was over nine months ago. On Saturday, i finally did it. i got undressed, sat down on the bench, turned on the water and felt like i was in heaven. i have been taking sponge baths, but never truly felt clean. i sat there scrubbing my body over and over. The water finally became luke warm, so i had to get out.
On Sunday, we had tickets to see Kenny G tickets, which i had bought in January. This would have been my first real outing in over nine months. i was excited but so nervous. My prosthetic does go over my pants very well, and during this months i've gained weight, so i wasn't sure what i was going to wear. After my shower, i just put on some nice sweatpants. We called for Uber and during the trip to the venue i was looking around like a child seeing things for the first time. Especially when we were on the freeway and the beautiful Seattle skyline came into view. i love this city.
We arrived at the venue, dinner and a show. The food was so good, but expensive. Kenny G was so great. Devon sitting so close to me, occasionally putting his head on my shoulder. The evening made me feel so alive for the first time in months.
After the show, the evening was so warm. This was my first time downtown in so longer, i felt like a stranger in a new city. But i didn't want to push myself, so we called for an Uber to take us home. Thankfully with construction and protest riots, our driver had to take a longer route home, allowing me to see more of downtown.
Once home, i took off my leg, but i was feeling really good. Just tired.
On Monday, May 2, my nurse came over to care for my wounds. She has been coming over for months, waiting with me for the wounds to heal, especially the amputation wound so i could get my leg. She took my vital signs and cared for the wounds on my left leg. We both took a deep breath as i removed the cover from my stump. After so many setbacks, i was ready for bad news AGAIN. As i stared at her very expressive face, a smile came over her. Everything looked fine. Which means i can start physical therapy and truly begin to live again.
After she left, i went into the backyard and swept the porch. Something so simple and basic, but it made me so emotional. For the past nine months i haven't felt useful to anyone. Now i am starting a new chapter to my life. Most importantly, i have to continue exercising and eating healthy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
