remembering SADDI barking at a rock in the water
i miss my SADDI so much
i know it has been just over 6 years, but the pain, guilt and loneliness hasn't faded. i miss my little girl. i've learned not to expect anyone to fully understand, no one was really around us. So they really don't know the beautiful of our bond. Of our love and need for one another.
Just having SADDI laying next to me with her head resting on my lap could calm me and make me feel safe.
i know that i didn't do enough when SADDI got sick. i will live with that guilt forever. i will accept all negatives that follow me through life, knowing that i deserve them. Had i taken care of my own health, i would have been strong enough to be able to do more for her. Had i thought about the future, we wouldn't have lived day by day and had a cushion in case of something like that cancer that attacked SADDI.
That final moment with SADDI, before the doctor gave her the fatal shot, i whispered in her how much i love her. i thanked her for loving me. She lifted her paw, though her energy was so weak, and she placed her paw on my hand. Even at the end she was taking care of me. And then she was gone.
Every day since, every hour, i think of SADDI. Something silly she would do. Our long walks, where she always guided me. When we would sit on the bench at the local college, my arm around her and her body leaning closely against me. She wouldn't let me give her kisses in public, but i did so anyway. How when Devon arrived, she loved him from the beginning. But she still took care of me with such love and loyalty. She insisted on sleeping between us, usually with her back against mine so closely i wasn't able to move. When i was sick in bed, with the blankets covering my head except for a small opening so i could breath. SADDI would go for her walks with Devon, but as soon as they came back, the first thing she did was come and check on me. Her cold wet nose against mine. She would go off to another room to eat, but after each bite i would hear her walking back to the bedroom, her nails clicking on the wood floor. Still chewing her meal, she stuck her nose through the small opening of the blanket to touch my nose. She did this with every bite. When she was done eating, she jumped up on the bed with me. Devon covered both of us with a blanket. Devon almost had to insist that she go for a walk with him, she didn't want to leave me.
i think about all the times and people i wasted away from SADDI. Believing i could trust people, when all they wanted to do was use me. But i think about the times SADDI and i went for rides, she would be seated on the in the center of the back seat of the VW bus. Every time i looked in the rear view mirror i could see her smiling.
Today, i think about what truly will happen when i die. Will i see my beautiful little girl again? Or with death, is that all there is?
The soul of SADDI lives and i will, until my last moment, remember her and share about her. i have never known anyone, human or animal, who has had such an impact upon my life. Not just a 'dog', easily replaced. But there are those who will never understand or respect that ... and i don't care. For i have been so blessed to have been so loved.
S A D D I
If we had to take our walks in the rain, SADDI wasn't happy since she did like getting wet. So when we came back home, SADDI would step inside the house but waited to go any further until i went and got a towel to dry her off. Then she went for some water and food and made herself comfortable in bed. i so miss my spoiled beautiful little girl.
S A D D I
There are too many and yet there are not enough words to express my love for SADDI. My duty in life is to share the very special bond between SADDI and i. How she became the love of my life. My soul mate.
The most hurtful thing anyone can say to me is not about my weight or anything about me personally, but i am devastated when people tell me to just get another 'dog'. Sure SADDI was a dog, but she was so much more. Unless you were with SADDI and i, which so few people were, you cannot know the love between us. The bond we share.
May 10, 1996. i could not tell you what time i woke up or had for breakfast, but this is one of the most meaningful days of my entire life. On this day, SADDI picked me.
i do recall it was another warm day in a fairly day spring. My mom, family friend Shirley and i drove to outer NE Portland where they were giving away chow/lab puppies.
We pulled up to the house and the mommy doggie (chow), with two adorable puppies, already claimed sitting next to her, barking at us.
The humans giving away the puppies sais there were only 3 remaining. They seemed to be completely ignoring us as they played. The yard was so dry, from the two puppies wildly playing there was a low cloud of dust hovering. Shirley kept attempting to catch one of the puppies, but it was impossible.
Just as the screen door to the house was about to close, a black ball of fur walked out. Making it's way off the porch, through the yard, dodging the other two puppies still chasing each other. And then it happen. This tiny black ball of fur sat on my foot, placing her head on my leg looking up at me.
Shirley suggested that i pick up the puppy, but i insisted that i wasn't ready. i was just looking. But Shirley said i should just try it. See how it feels.
i bent down and lifted her up, maybe all of 5 pounds of her. She nuzzled her head against my neck and at that moment our 13.5 year love story began.
i miss you SADDI.
::: sigh ::: part two
Devon came home the next day, still acting a little moody. But he had taken care of everything that i had on a list for him, since i am currently sidelined recovering from my recent amputation.
i tried talking to him, but he still wanted to fight. i just had to remind that i didn't say anything and he blew up at me. He finally listened and settled down.
i just had to remind him that i know and understand how stressed he gets when he nears fashion shows. i've been dealing with this for 5 years, since he started DEVONATION. i understand it. i fully respect the hard work and long late hours he puts himself through. He gets stressed. And i am the only one around him that does completely understands, but i am also the only one he releases that stress onto. It's unfair to me. It hurts me. It hurts us.
Devon will never come out and apologize, just a hug and a more relaxed attitude after he listens. i am, and have always been, a very sensitive person. After the abuse, physical and emotional, i receive from a past relationship and the betrayal from my entire family, i am very fragile and not every trusting.
Damnit, i love Devon and i will fight for this relationship that i fully believe in within my heart and soul. Sure he might get moody and say some very hurtful things now and then, but i know he loves me. Devon has stayed with me despite my failings and issues with my health. No one, other than SADDI, ever has.
This isn't the life i want for myself or Devon. When my leg heals and i get my new leg, look out world. Devon and i are on our way.
:::sigh:::
The other night Devon was about to make himself some boxed pasta. As he put milk with the water, I warned him about how the milk will cook fast and spill over. With his too usual attitude, he said this wasn't the first time he had made pasta.
He put the pan on the stove and sat down, a few feet away, at his computer and put his ear phones on. In just a couple of minutes, the water/milk began to boil and spilled over. He jumped up and finished making his pasta, but cleaned up the mess before eating.
I said nothing.
When he sat down to eat, I was just looking at him and he yelled at me to shut up. I had said nothing. When I asked him what I had said, he yelled again for me to shut up and how he wished he lived alone.
When Devon gets upset about anything, he always takes it out on me in usually a very cruel way. He started tossing around his ear phones and drawing tablet. I told him to calm down. I was told to shut up again. I got myself up from the sofa and headed to the front door with my walker. His chair was in my way, so I said 'excuse me'. He violently moved the chair out of my way and I went to the front door.
Because I am needing to use a walker, it was a struggle to open the front door and get out to the porch. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair on the porch.
Sitting there thinking about why I put up with this shit over and over and over again. It started to rain and it was cold. After about an hour I got up and came back into the house. Devon had turned off the lights and TV and went upstairs to bed.
The next day, he came downstairs and said nothing to me. But he was getting ready to go to work (he told me the day before), but he wasn't dressed for work. As he got something to drink, he asked if I needed anything before he left. With my current situation, I can't make my own meals, coffee or even unload the dishwasher. I told him I didn't want anything and then he left.
He didn't contact me all day and didn't come home (again). He says he is staying with friends, people I have never met. But every time he does this, it makes me even more insecure about our relationship. He knows how I feel, it clearly doesn't bother him. Nor does it bother him the cruel things he says in anger and never apologizes.
His friends, who have never met me, question why he is with me. Wonderful of Devon too tell me this, knowing how much it would hurt me. He has other friends, who he admits he uses in cases they can do something for him, who don't like me because I wont tolerate their lies or rudeness.
With Devon gone all day and into the night, I haven't ate anything all day. It took me sometime to take chicken out of the freezer, my balance making me think I was going to fall. But a sauce pan to boil the chicken was still in the dishwasher, which I can't reach or I would fall. And the likely injuring myself and left to lay there on the floor.
Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. A part of me truly just wants to die. It's very difficult dealing with the recent amputation of my right leg and all the limits and struggles. When Devon is loving, he is very loving. But since this past summer, he has been increasing moody and I am the one he takes it out on. He could leave me at anytime, I almost expect it sometimes.
This is no way to live.
He put the pan on the stove and sat down, a few feet away, at his computer and put his ear phones on. In just a couple of minutes, the water/milk began to boil and spilled over. He jumped up and finished making his pasta, but cleaned up the mess before eating.
I said nothing.
When he sat down to eat, I was just looking at him and he yelled at me to shut up. I had said nothing. When I asked him what I had said, he yelled again for me to shut up and how he wished he lived alone.
When Devon gets upset about anything, he always takes it out on me in usually a very cruel way. He started tossing around his ear phones and drawing tablet. I told him to calm down. I was told to shut up again. I got myself up from the sofa and headed to the front door with my walker. His chair was in my way, so I said 'excuse me'. He violently moved the chair out of my way and I went to the front door.
Because I am needing to use a walker, it was a struggle to open the front door and get out to the porch. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair on the porch.
Sitting there thinking about why I put up with this shit over and over and over again. It started to rain and it was cold. After about an hour I got up and came back into the house. Devon had turned off the lights and TV and went upstairs to bed.
The next day, he came downstairs and said nothing to me. But he was getting ready to go to work (he told me the day before), but he wasn't dressed for work. As he got something to drink, he asked if I needed anything before he left. With my current situation, I can't make my own meals, coffee or even unload the dishwasher. I told him I didn't want anything and then he left.
He didn't contact me all day and didn't come home (again). He says he is staying with friends, people I have never met. But every time he does this, it makes me even more insecure about our relationship. He knows how I feel, it clearly doesn't bother him. Nor does it bother him the cruel things he says in anger and never apologizes.
His friends, who have never met me, question why he is with me. Wonderful of Devon too tell me this, knowing how much it would hurt me. He has other friends, who he admits he uses in cases they can do something for him, who don't like me because I wont tolerate their lies or rudeness.
With Devon gone all day and into the night, I haven't ate anything all day. It took me sometime to take chicken out of the freezer, my balance making me think I was going to fall. But a sauce pan to boil the chicken was still in the dishwasher, which I can't reach or I would fall. And the likely injuring myself and left to lay there on the floor.
Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. A part of me truly just wants to die. It's very difficult dealing with the recent amputation of my right leg and all the limits and struggles. When Devon is loving, he is very loving. But since this past summer, he has been increasing moody and I am the one he takes it out on. He could leave me at anytime, I almost expect it sometimes.
This is no way to live.
S A D D I
Even after over six years, I still wake up each morning looking for SADDI. Waiting to feel her against my back, being able to play with her tail or rub her belly.
But soon the reality sets in that I realize she is gone forever. A reality I don't want to be a part of.
People may never understand the bond SADDI and I share. Devon is currently the only human in my life that knew SADDI and I together. Everyone else has faded away. One 'friend' exited my life after 15 years because she couldn't handle seeing me sad after SADDI died.
I was blessed with 13.5 years of faithful love, devoted friendship and a silly loyal companion. I think back at times when I would go out and leave SADDI home with people I thought were friends.
I am truly so sorry SADDI
Summer Lost
We're about a week away from autumn 2015, where did the summer go?
Seems i have completely lost an entire season dealing with, once again, my leg issues. Again. For the most part, i have lost the past three years, being in the hospital (24 times in three years), bandages and a cast that limited me in the distances i could walk and just feeling weak from the abuse i have given my body for the diabetes.
What this has done for Devon is unfair too. But he has found some new friends that allowed him to venture away from me to have some fun.
Now without part of my leg, i try to be patient while it heals so that i, we, can live again. i'm told it will happen, but this always comes from people who are freely able to come and go as they please. i just to move a few feet to get to the bathroom in time.
The depression is overwhelming, but i am keeping it within and putting on a mask for others. i sit on the sofa all day getting bored with daytime TV. When Devon goes to bed, i can cover my head with a blanket and cry in the loneliness on the sofa where i should be sleeping.
In the middle of the night i am awakened by the need to roll over. But with part of my leg missing, it's stupidly difficult. Or if i need to go to the bathroom, i have to sit on the sofa arm for a bit to wake up, or my 'good' leg isn't awake, strong enough, to get me the few feet to the bathroom. And then i sit there for a few minutes waking up, gaining strength to lift myself up, safely, to be able to go back to bed. The whole time trying to walk quietly, with my walker, so as not to wake Devon up.
i really don't anymore of my life to be lost or wasted, but how much time do i have remaining in this life after the damage i have already done to myself?
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