Cuddling
i detest being cold,
SADDI thrived in it.
i love to walk in the rain,
it was always a struggle to get SADDI
outside when it was raining.
One thing we could always agree on ...
cuddling.
Wake Up
Growing up in Portland, no night after midnight, or a Saturday night wrestling show, was complete without a commercial ( often repeated several times ) from retailer Tom Peterson. Cheesy. Tom act like he was knocking on the TV screen, saying; "wake up, wake up to a happy day". It became so popular, they made alarm clocks that woke you up to that slogan. After buying a bed from Tom Peterson's, i was given one of the alarm clocks and it never failed when the alarm went off at 6am, SADDI barked loudly, believing it was someone in our room. i never over slept thanks to the Tom Peterson alarm clock and SADDI's barking.
D E A T H
All my life, as long as i can remember, i have had an obsession with my own death. There have been three attempts at suicide and many thoughts of it as well.
My beliefs in suicide changed after seeing the 1998 movie with Robin Williams ...
And especially after the 2009 death of SADDI.
i want to believe there is something more after visiting hours on this earth are over, but as i near death, with my age and health, i'm beginning to believe there is nothing more. Just darkness and silence.
i am not a religious person, so i don't believe in a heaven. i want to comfort myself into believing that after i am gone, i will be reunited with SADDI forever.
What i do know for sure, is that i will not be buried in the ground. Along with SADDI's ashes, i will be cremated and our ashes will be mixed with wild flower seeds and spread in an out of the way trail, where we will create beauty ... as i believe our bond to be.
i have days when i am ready to fall asleep, never to awake again. And i have days when i want more ... need to accomplish more ... a desire to experience more.
When i do die, i know i will not be missed. My family betrayed me years ago and left my life. Devon will move on. And friends ... what friends? If anything, i will hope i left behind a positive message and people will always smile thinking SADDI and i are together again
New Beginnings October 30, 2015
Well, i've had my new leg now for just over 24 hours and though it feels quite weird, it also feels quite wonderful.
My balance is a little shaky but i can get around the house without the need for the walker or cane. i have gone outside to get the mail or take out the recycling and i'm just using my cane. i figured i'd be using my walker for a week or more at least.
It feels good to be able to get around the house easier and do the things i have actually missed doing around the house: cleaning, cooking, giving SADDI's ashes a kiss good night.
And with this new beginning, Devon and i are talking again, after over two weeks. He must have really missed sharing with me, because when we started talking again he was talking so fast and had so much to share.
He recently took a trip to San Francisco, to get his passport updated so he can visit China, he loved it so much and with my new leg, i am going to work hard so we can visit SF for Pride 2016 and possibly move down there.
It just feels good to have US back and to be able to walk again.
My balance is a little shaky but i can get around the house without the need for the walker or cane. i have gone outside to get the mail or take out the recycling and i'm just using my cane. i figured i'd be using my walker for a week or more at least.
It feels good to be able to get around the house easier and do the things i have actually missed doing around the house: cleaning, cooking, giving SADDI's ashes a kiss good night.
And with this new beginning, Devon and i are talking again, after over two weeks. He must have really missed sharing with me, because when we started talking again he was talking so fast and had so much to share.
He recently took a trip to San Francisco, to get his passport updated so he can visit China, he loved it so much and with my new leg, i am going to work hard so we can visit SF for Pride 2016 and possibly move down there.
It just feels good to have US back and to be able to walk again.
S A D D I
There was a time when the
only living room furniture
we had was an old red
only living room furniture
we had was an old red
uncomfortable chair.
So when SADDI wanted to be with us
in the living room,
in the living room,
she would take over the chair,
while we sat on the floor.
while we sat on the floor.
S A D D I
SADDI was always there to listen to me.
to love me, to be a friend for me,
to love me, to be a friend for me,
to always find a way to make me smile,
to better me without judging me.
to better me without judging me.
Words, especially these days, i am unable to
express how much i miss SADDI.
express how much i miss SADDI.
When i starting to have problems with
my left foot, it slowed my walk.
my left foot, it slowed my walk.
SADDI slowed her pace as well,
except if she saw a squirrel.
except if she saw a squirrel.
And even though she always
had to lead the walk,
had to lead the walk,
she always looked back to ensure i was
walking closely behind her.
walking closely behind her.
Broken Spirit
Without an apology for saying how he (Devon), his friends and his family think i am a "horrible" person or for saying that he will likely leave me, it has been rather silent in our home the past few days.
With his upcoming fashion show, i have been pushed away from doing or knowing anything. In the past, i have helped to ensure DEVONATION had a successful show. Even though at the end of his show, Devon thanked people who came in at the last minute and completely ignored me.
My heart is so damaged.
i see no reason to go on.
Even with my health issues, i have given him 100% of me ... but it's never enough.
In the past i would always give in and talk to him, but never getting an apology from him. Only to be yelled at again. i just can't do it this time, because i am stealing from myself to do so.
i have always been here for him ... while others come and go.
No one knows how he belittles me or the cruel things done and said to me. The dirty looks i get when i try to talk to him.
Devon is even becoming one of those cruel people judging me for my love and devotion to SADDI. But in reality, she remains the ONLY one who has stayed true to me.
i never thought, at this stage in my life, how alone i would be.
It has been a hard lesson to learn, but a reality, giving without expecting anything in return is a must to living. Most people in life are takers, not realizing what they are doing. Or not caring.
i see no reason ... i feel no reason ... there is no reason to go on.
ric berrong
October 17, 2015
Late Night Thoughts
Knowing now how Devon, his friends and his family feel about me and the fact that i no longer have any friends or family, i can't help but keep thinking what a waste i am here on this earth.
As i lay on the sofa trying to sleep, all i can thin about is laying a blanket on the floor, slitting my wrist and just leaving this world.
i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry anymore.
But after not helping SADDI when she had cancer, i know this suffering is meant for me. i didn't find a job to be able to pay for her surgery She didn't deserve to suffer.
i do.
10-14-95 My Story
i was just starting too feel positive and hopeful about life. i was finally taking charge of my life and health. Giving myself obtainable goals.
But after being told by Devon that he, his family and friends think i am a horrible person, i honestly don't care about anything anymore. Why should i? No matter what i do and give, people who don't even know me are judging me and telling lies about me.
On June 20, 1998, i was in a relationship Jaye Sablan. He moved in with me on Christmas day 1997. He decided to have a surprise birthday party for me. While i was at work, he stayed home (claiming he suffered from OCD) and made invites to my party on the computer. The front of the invite said 'it's my baby's birthday'. When my aunt Betty Mulkins received her invite she felt it was inappropriate and decided not to attend my party. She called my mom and told her. My mom called Jaye who became so upset he told me about the party. She did not attend the party, neither did her daughter, Corrina Reagan and her family (not even a card). Her other daughter, Melinda Staples and her husband Jeff, did attend. (Melinda and i use to be very close. After her dad had died, i gave her away at her wedding) i sat next her and thanked her for coming. Glad that she didn't see it as "inappropriate". She got upset, stood up and began yelling at me. Telling me they were tired of me shoving our being gay down their throats (even though when there were family gathers, Jaye and i never sat next to one another or even talked about our relationship. Though many times, Melinda was sitting on Jeff's lap and kissing one another). Melinda said she was tired of my mom putting down her mom. Which wasn't true. All my life i heard aunt Betty judging my mom and giving her dirty looks. Melinda and Jeff left. i did as well, walking around the trailer park my mom lived in. Tears running down my face, Jeff and Melinda drove past me and showed no compassion.
i haven't talked to them since ... nor do i want to. i did receive a Christmas card from Corrina a couple of years later that was three pages telling me i am going to hell because of my lifestyle and unless i accept Christ into my heart. Basically shoving her CHOSEN beliefs onto me.
In the years that followed, Jaye became very abusive. Physically and emotionally. One night, for no reason, he began hitting me with my camera tripod. He'd sit on the side of the bed waiting for me to wake up and he would tell me i was fat. He broke up with me on July 4, 1999, but continued to live with me while i paid all the bills and bought all the food. He briefly had a job, but never offered to help out. He used the money on clothes and CD's. He saw different guys during this time, but always said he wanted me to wait for him while he explored other things. i foolish did. Whenever he did see someone new, he became even more abusive. One time in his rage, he turned around and kicked SADDI. Not even caring if she was okay. Any time there was a fight, i would leave the house with SADDI and he would stay. Which was so stupid since i was paying for everything, he should have left. Finally on October 31, 2001, i learned he was seeing someone new and i was not about to see SADDI and i suffer. i kicked him out. The day before Thanksgiving he came back and took all his stuff, leaving behind everything i had given to him. He knew i had no one in my life, so i spent the holiday alone in tears. (In the years since, Jaye has gone around telling lies about me, turning people who don't even know me, against me. And his lies have spread now to others who are spreading them)
On January 3, 2000, i had called my mom to tell her about the new job i had. But a man answered. i had no idea who it was. i called for the next few days and finally reached her. i asked who that was that kept answering her phone. She said calmly, "Wayne". i questioned if he was a handyman, she said no Wayne, her ex-husband who she had divorced in 1972. When he left, he and his son loaded everything he could possibly fit into his truck, leaving us with nothing. Except for the bills. One of which, the car payment which was in his name. Within a few months the car was repossessed. Wayne, who suffered from schizophrenia. He went into a state mental hospital several times. We would visit him, which was difficult for a 10 year old. When he was sick, he was physically abusive. His son, who lived with his, sexually abused me. My mom told me that she and Wayne were getting back together. i vowed at that moment never to speak to my mother again. (when Wayne left, he took pictures and home movies that included my grandmother, Alpha, who had died in 1968. During the divorce, all my mom asked for where those items. Even though we were left with nothing. Several months later, my mom received a package from Wayne. He had cut up everything to where it was basically confetti). When my mom decided to go to Yakama Washington with Wayne, she called about the things i had stored in her trailer. i said i didn't want to see her or Wayne. She showed up at my apartment one day with a box of some of my paperwork and a small car Wayne and i had built together. Everything else, several boxes, she donated. She knew i didn't want to hear from him, so this act was just so cruel. That Christmas she sent me a car with a picture of her and Wayne. i ripped it up. She sent other cards, without a return address, but i just threw them away.
i had two women i thought were my friends, but they betrayed me as well. One, Linda Hunter, who i shared many time with, knew i wanted nothing to do with my mom. But when SADDI got sick in 2002, Linda told my mom and then my mom sent a card. Linda had also sided with Jaye, even though she knew Jaye had been abusive towards me. We haven't talked since.
The other, Helen Robinson, even took care of SADDI when i was in the hospital. We were always close. But when SADDI died (August 9, 2009), Helen distanced herself from me. Saying it was too difficult for her to see me sad. We haven't spoke since.
And now Devon, telling me that he, his friends and his family, are saying i am a "horrible" person, i find no reason or feeling to go on. i believe when we commit suicide, we go t a different place (like in the wonderful Robin Williams movie 'What Dreams May Come). If it is possible, i want to see and be with SADDI again. So until i die, i will just go through his life feeling betrayed by everyone.
This is my story. The truth needs to be told, as there have been MANY lies told about me.
for Devon 10-13-15
i seriously doubt that anyone reads this blog, maybe after i am dead they will
Today Devon and i had a fight when he told me his mom would be coming back with him from China in December. The last time she stayed with us she was very disrespectful, not respecting she was a visitor in our home. Throwing away items that belonged to me, when i made it clear i wanted to keep them. Telling her over and over again, for four months, that she needed to wash her hands before and during cooking. i was dealing with an infection in my foot and her unclean practices always worried me. i tried to explain it to Devon, he said he told her, but he also said he told her other things, but later admitted he actually didn't, which caused a great deal of stress during her visit.
Well, Devon began yelling at me and doing what he likes to do by threatening he was going to leave me, he could easily go back to China and his ex never had a problem with Devon's parents (though Devon wasn't out to his parents at the time). Devon also reminded me how his friends and family question why he even stays with me (people that don't even know me or have proven every time they stay with us how disrespectful they are to me). Devon always sides with everyone else and he seems to take pleasure in hurting me by saying these things every time we have a fight.
i sat on the sofa, my hand covering my face as i cried, trying to remind myself that despite what he and his friends/family say, i'm a good person. But t wasn't working, so i went into the bathroom and sat in the dark, on the toilet, crying for about 3 hours.
The rest of the night was silent. No matter how many times he does this knowing how much it hurts me, how it echo's in my head when he isn't hear, he has never said he is sorry.
So i wrote this letter, which i wont give to him, because i know he doesn't care. But it's getting harder and harder to stay strong and want to stay on this earth.
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
i'm tired
i'm tired of being told how horrible i am
i'm tired of your friends/family saying how horrible i am
They don't even know me
Questioning why you are even with me
i'm tired of you always saying how you are going to leave me
My heart is very fragile ... physically and emotionally
It is not a toy
Please remember, during our time together i have never pressured you to get a job
To help us out
Your parents have done that
We have had hardships
But you have always had a roof over your head
Food in your belly
Unlimited respect and support and encouragement
And whenever possible extra cash
When you did get a very part-time job
i never asked for money to help with our bills/food
And you never offered
If i want to share something with you
i get attitude or just ignored
When you want to say something
i turn off the TV and give you my full attention
That's why when we go out
A movie
Or to get something to eat
i always let you decide
Because if i picked it and you weren't happy by my choice
Your attitude
The look on your face
Your silence
Said it all
i'm here for us
Faithfully devoted and in love with you
If it's not good enough for you
Or your friends
Or your family
Please let me know
But please stop hurting me
Dog Nurse
While i recover from having my leg amputated about three months ago, i have nurses who come to the house, twice a week, to ensure my wound stays clean. Today, my nurse brought her dog with her.
Lily, a chow mix, sniffed around the house before making herself comfortable cuddled against me on the sofa. As her mommy took care of me, Lily fell asleep with me rubbing her fur. As her mommy got ready to leave, Lily stayed close to me, but her eyes were wide open watching every move her mommy made.
Like a loyal friend, Lily got up and followed her mommy out the door.
That brief time with Lily next to me, made me miss SADDI even more. SADDI would always lay closely against me and wasn't happy if i needed to shift or if i got up. Without any true friends in my life, and Devon gone so much lately or while he is here busy with his fashions (fashions come first), i cling to moments, even brief moments, of company. But when the house is silent again, i talk to SADDI, just hoping she hears me saying how much i love her.
Lily, a chow mix, sniffed around the house before making herself comfortable cuddled against me on the sofa. As her mommy took care of me, Lily fell asleep with me rubbing her fur. As her mommy got ready to leave, Lily stayed close to me, but her eyes were wide open watching every move her mommy made.
Like a loyal friend, Lily got up and followed her mommy out the door.
That brief time with Lily next to me, made me miss SADDI even more. SADDI would always lay closely against me and wasn't happy if i needed to shift or if i got up. Without any true friends in my life, and Devon gone so much lately or while he is here busy with his fashions (fashions come first), i cling to moments, even brief moments, of company. But when the house is silent again, i talk to SADDI, just hoping she hears me saying how much i love her.
Empty Nest
While i'm still stuck at home recovering from my particle leg amputation, i'm either spending to muh time at the computer or channel surfing on the TV. Today i found a show i haven't seen in over 20 years ... Empty Nest starring Richard Mulligan, Kristy McNichol, Diane Manoff and Bear the Dog as Dreyfuss.
(Empty Nest is an American sitcom that originally aired on NBC from 1988 to 1995. The series was created as a spin-off of The Golden Girls by creator and producer Susan Harris. For its first three seasons, Empty Nest was one of the year's top 10 most-watched programs. It was produced by Witt/Thomas/Harris Productions in association with Touchstone Television.
The show concept borrowed some elements from the British comedy series Father, Dear Father, also featuring a father living with his two daughters and large dog. However, unlike that series (in which the daughters are still teenagers and the ex-wife and her new husband are both conspicuously present), the two daughters in Empty Nest are self-supporting adults, and the lead character is a widower.
Empty Nest was part of NBC's Saturday night block of programming, and during its first four seasons it aired at 9:30pm ET, directly following The Golden Girls.
Two of the cast were alumni from one of Susan Harris' earlier shows, Soap; Mulligan was (briefly) Manoff's father-in-law in Soap.)
In this episode, Mulligan's character is seeing a woman he thought of as just a friend, but she wanted more. So she gave him an ultimatum they either get married or stop seeing one another. Mulligan's character had just lost his wife 18 months earlier, so he wasn't sure. Finally he told the woman he just wasn't ready because his late wife was the love of his life ... his every thought ... and he felt like he would be cheating on her to marry someone else so soon.
While he told her this, i was in tears thinking about all the people who told me i should get another dog, while SADDI was sick and soon after she died and even 6 years since she has been gone. i feel the same way, my love for SADDI is as strong today as it was the first day we met. Maybe one day i'll allow another dog into our home, mostly for Devon's sake. But for me, i know i will never have another bond or love as strongly as i have for SADDI.
At the end of the show, Mulligan comes to his empty home to be greeted happily by his dog, Dreyfuss. He sits on the sofa and Dreyfuss sits next to him with his head on the arm of the sofa. Mulligan tells Dreyfuss that no matter what, Dreyfuss is there with a wagging tail and unlimited faithful devotion. The show ends with Mulligan giving Dreyfuss a kiss on the head.
i miss my SADDI so much.
10 days
And so it begins. Devon has left for fashion shows in Portland, so i will be alone for 10 days. i still can't go anywhere or really do many things for myself, so this will be a very long lonely 10 days. i'm going to try to focus on the future. A day when i am able to walk again. A day when i am able to cook for myself. A day when i can go upstairs in our house and not just basically a six foot area of the house; bathroom ~ computer ~ sofa. A day without a walker and just able to walk freely with my camera and life's inspirations to guide me. Devon has been putting in so many long hours, late nights/early mornings preparing for these upcoming shows and his own show October 30. On top of that, he has had to take care of me too. The stresses of the shows will be nothing compared the situation we are in today. These next 10 days will be a vacation for him. i just have to stay focused on my health and healing. Most of my days/nights are spent doing the limited exercising that i am able to do. The TV is on, but i'm really not watching anything. i'm missing so much of life and i do cry a lot, but what good does that do for me? None. i just keep trying to push myself so in the future i am a better stronger person for Devon. And myself. The distance of so-called friends bothers me, but doesn't bother me as much as it did. i know who is in my life and who truly cares. And i am so blessed and thankful to the few of you. The more i am missing it, the more i realize how precious and beautiful life truly is. Now if only the humans on this earth could be as well. #CelebrateLife #seizeEVERYmoment
i miss my SADDI so much
i know it has been just over 6 years, but the pain, guilt and loneliness hasn't faded. i miss my little girl. i've learned not to expect anyone to fully understand, no one was really around us. So they really don't know the beautiful of our bond. Of our love and need for one another.
Just having SADDI laying next to me with her head resting on my lap could calm me and make me feel safe.
i know that i didn't do enough when SADDI got sick. i will live with that guilt forever. i will accept all negatives that follow me through life, knowing that i deserve them. Had i taken care of my own health, i would have been strong enough to be able to do more for her. Had i thought about the future, we wouldn't have lived day by day and had a cushion in case of something like that cancer that attacked SADDI.
That final moment with SADDI, before the doctor gave her the fatal shot, i whispered in her how much i love her. i thanked her for loving me. She lifted her paw, though her energy was so weak, and she placed her paw on my hand. Even at the end she was taking care of me. And then she was gone.
Every day since, every hour, i think of SADDI. Something silly she would do. Our long walks, where she always guided me. When we would sit on the bench at the local college, my arm around her and her body leaning closely against me. She wouldn't let me give her kisses in public, but i did so anyway. How when Devon arrived, she loved him from the beginning. But she still took care of me with such love and loyalty. She insisted on sleeping between us, usually with her back against mine so closely i wasn't able to move. When i was sick in bed, with the blankets covering my head except for a small opening so i could breath. SADDI would go for her walks with Devon, but as soon as they came back, the first thing she did was come and check on me. Her cold wet nose against mine. She would go off to another room to eat, but after each bite i would hear her walking back to the bedroom, her nails clicking on the wood floor. Still chewing her meal, she stuck her nose through the small opening of the blanket to touch my nose. She did this with every bite. When she was done eating, she jumped up on the bed with me. Devon covered both of us with a blanket. Devon almost had to insist that she go for a walk with him, she didn't want to leave me.
i think about all the times and people i wasted away from SADDI. Believing i could trust people, when all they wanted to do was use me. But i think about the times SADDI and i went for rides, she would be seated on the in the center of the back seat of the VW bus. Every time i looked in the rear view mirror i could see her smiling.
Today, i think about what truly will happen when i die. Will i see my beautiful little girl again? Or with death, is that all there is?
The soul of SADDI lives and i will, until my last moment, remember her and share about her. i have never known anyone, human or animal, who has had such an impact upon my life. Not just a 'dog', easily replaced. But there are those who will never understand or respect that ... and i don't care. For i have been so blessed to have been so loved.
S A D D I
If we had to take our walks in the rain, SADDI wasn't happy since she did like getting wet. So when we came back home, SADDI would step inside the house but waited to go any further until i went and got a towel to dry her off. Then she went for some water and food and made herself comfortable in bed. i so miss my spoiled beautiful little girl.
S A D D I
There are too many and yet there are not enough words to express my love for SADDI. My duty in life is to share the very special bond between SADDI and i. How she became the love of my life. My soul mate.
The most hurtful thing anyone can say to me is not about my weight or anything about me personally, but i am devastated when people tell me to just get another 'dog'. Sure SADDI was a dog, but she was so much more. Unless you were with SADDI and i, which so few people were, you cannot know the love between us. The bond we share.
May 10, 1996. i could not tell you what time i woke up or had for breakfast, but this is one of the most meaningful days of my entire life. On this day, SADDI picked me.
i do recall it was another warm day in a fairly day spring. My mom, family friend Shirley and i drove to outer NE Portland where they were giving away chow/lab puppies.
We pulled up to the house and the mommy doggie (chow), with two adorable puppies, already claimed sitting next to her, barking at us.
The humans giving away the puppies sais there were only 3 remaining. They seemed to be completely ignoring us as they played. The yard was so dry, from the two puppies wildly playing there was a low cloud of dust hovering. Shirley kept attempting to catch one of the puppies, but it was impossible.
Just as the screen door to the house was about to close, a black ball of fur walked out. Making it's way off the porch, through the yard, dodging the other two puppies still chasing each other. And then it happen. This tiny black ball of fur sat on my foot, placing her head on my leg looking up at me.
Shirley suggested that i pick up the puppy, but i insisted that i wasn't ready. i was just looking. But Shirley said i should just try it. See how it feels.
i bent down and lifted her up, maybe all of 5 pounds of her. She nuzzled her head against my neck and at that moment our 13.5 year love story began.
i miss you SADDI.
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