T I M E
... "Over these many years, my voice has softened, my heart has weakened, my body makes interesting new noises, my paced has slowed, my beliefs have strengthen, love has evolved, true friendships have faded, blood family is still distant, what is left of my hair has changed colors. i still look back with the weight of numerous regrets. i look forward with extreme caution. i live today, barely, with a passion and desire to share the beauty i find in life in an attempt to inspire others to celebrate life and to seize EVERY moment. Whether by my own attempts or the poor choices i have made in my life, i never believed i would reach 52 years upon this earth, recently my own doctors weren't very confident i would either. But i am here today, no guarantee's about tomorrow, but at this moment, i desire to live, share, celebrate, taste, feel, experience and be." ~~~ ric berrong, June 20, 2014
...The Beginning of the End
At one time i actually cared
Now i really don't
The life before me is coming to an end
As the life behind me never truly began
To die with regrets is all i am
For life was only lived within my dreams
Too afraid to be me
Too alone to be free
Now it is too late to start again
To even start something new
Now it is too late to live
Nothing left to do but begin to die
June 13,2014
June 13,2014
Finding Peace
"Too often life can be unfair and uncertain, the people in it cruel and disrespectful. To find my peace and honor my truths, i pick up my camera and get lost in the beauty that life has to share with each and every one of us. i may look at life differently than others, but the reality is we are all able to be witness to the glorious artwork of Mother Nature. Saturday was such a day for me. i was feeling alone and struggling because of my health. My pace slowed, my balance wobbly and my chest tight with lightening bolt feelings of intense pain, but i knew i had to experience these dwindling moments of life. Capturing the celebration of life in hopes of sharing and inspiring. How blessed and insufficient i felt surrounded by burst of colors, as if hand painted by an experienced artist, of flowers and plants. i was able to forget my own limits and focus on what truly mattered ... this fragile gift of life. When we allow ourselves to remember that life is truly a very special gift, and we cherish it with respect, what matters is that we live it, no matter what else is happening within or around us. i know that at any moment this gift will be taken from me, i can only hope as i enter a new journey, where i am reunited with my SADDI, that those left behind, who took for granted my brief moments in life will have second thoughts about their own words and actions, not hurting anyone else, even themselves, in my memory. And maybe they will look back at the photo's i have been able to share and appreciate life just a little bit more. Look at life just a little differently. And give praise where it is truly deserved." ~~~ ric berrong
inspired
Watching a 2013 interview by Oprah Winfrey with Maya Angelou ... i have chills. This brilliant woman spoke so simply, but those simple words were shared with such strength and truth. ... ... ... Within my own journey through this life i have had 3 role models who guide and inspire me. For being a better human i give complete credit to my precious SADDI. Within our 13.5 years together, i changed and continue to do so. i truly owe SADDI my life, so i must make it a meaningful life to honor her. ... ... ... With my photography, i am inspired by the works of Georgia O'Keefe and how, with her paintings, she showed us a flower completely different than we had ever viewed it before. Mother Nature has blessed us with such amazing detailed artwork that deserves to be truly and fully witnessed. ... ... ... With my words, it has always been Maya Angelou who taught me to write with complete honesty. Some may think i over share, but what i have learned through writing and life experiences, what i share may not touch you, but it may someone else. Someone who is feeling alone, lost, places i have been so many times myself. Places no one should ever be. (i am gathering past and current writings for my long overdue book --- Thoughts, Feelings and Pain). ... ... ... i am not on this earth for selfish reasons. i have no need or reason to post selfies everyday. To write about every ill, pain or fear. Or praising myself for my good deeds. i don't need, desire or deserve praising from others or rewards. My thanks comes from believing i have shared and my sharing encourages others to do so without a selfish thought or agenda in doing so. Simply, so easily, we can learn today is not about me or you ... it is about each and every one of us.
thinking
... i'm seated on the front porch, drinking my Tang while listening to the rain falling upon the leaves and plants that fill our front yard. We're very blessed to live in a fairly quiet neighborhood, the only other sounds to be heard areof a passing car and in the far distance a soccer game at the high school. There is a slight chill, but it can be ignored by the fresh scent of the rain and the abundance of wild plants within our yard. The birds are helping themselves to the feast i have left out for them, the hummingbirds enjoying the sweet water while the squirrels hop along the damp grass in search of their own goodies. As usual, i am feeling very reflective, daydreaming of how i wish life could be instead of its reality. i pause to enjoy the diversity of colors within our yard, always impressed by the incredible artwork of Mother Nature. This is a moment, a memory, i will take with me and share with SADDI when i see her again. My mind foolishly and painfully allows me to visualize seeing SADDI sitting on the porch with me now. Knowing she would be happy and comfortable laying on a blanket near me, no where near the raindrops, with her attention focused on seeing the friendly squirrel who always climbs up the steps when i come out each morning with my first cup of hot coffee to fill my lungs with life. SADDI would like it here. But i return to my reality, knowing how life has given me yet another obstacle, though this one not to be won. All i can do now is cherish these precious quiet moments where there is no pressure placed on the struggles of my beating heart. Quietly plotting how i can leave a positive mark upon this world through my errors and journey. Today, i question if my sharing has any impact at all, upon anyone. But i cannot allow those thoughts to halt me from inspiring others in the tomorrow's i will be unable to see. Only now is all i have and with that i must, with any ounce of energy left within me, ensure that i am doing as i encourage others to do ... seize EVERY moment.
Appreciate Life
It has nothing to do with my failing health, i can't remember when i didn't have a great appreciation for the life around me. i do recall a time when i began rushing through life and not noticing what i should, but SADDI slowed me down and taught me to appreciate the simple things in life. SADDI always found great joy from a silly stick we'd find in our walks. Today, i am content to sit and watch the squirrels in our backyard enjoying treats i have shared with them. Or seated on the front porch with my eyes closed listening to the sound of the hummingbird wings as they sip some sugar water. Some may believe, with my limited time on this earth, that i should have a stronger purpose or give more, but unlike so many, i am doing and giving, i just don't announce my efforts. i will leave this earth with my many regrets and my peace for celebrating the beauty of life.
... "During the course of time and this time that we are living now, we are nothing more than a grain of sand laying on the beach with others just like us. But sometimes, as you walk across the sands, every now and then, a simple grain of sand will capture the light in a certain way to shine and sparkle. This is how we should all live our lives, to stand out, to shine, to sparkle. What a glorious beach it would then be." ~~~ ric berrong
There is a place, not on this soil, called the Rainbow bridge. It is just a belief, but one that i hold closely within my heart and dreams.
The Rainbow bridge is a place where our beloved animal family members go when they are taken from us. Taken far too soon. It is believed this is where they wait for us until we finally depart our bodies on this earth.
The Rainbow bridge crosses over to a place where there is freedom from pain and age, and our animal family members are returned to their prime, healthy and happy. They make new friends and share stories about the love they received from the humans in their earthly life. Some are comforted by their new friends because their earthly life was cruel, sometimes never knowing the love others had received.
Today, i dream about crossing the Rainbow bridge, leaving behind this lonely earth and being greeted by the beautiful smile on my precious SADDI's face. Feeling her pressing against my legs as she barks her welcoming to me. If there is such a thing as forever, i will be holding SADDI that long.
30 years ago
... Impossible to believe, but 30 years ago today my precious Scruffy was taken from me. Scruffy, my very best friend during my school years, was so devoted to me and always knew how to make me smile ... which was often. When we moved into my Grandmothers house, our new neighbors, old friends, had found Scruffy but were about to take her to the pound. i begged my mom to let me have her and so began our friendship. About a year later, my mothers third husband was leaving us and loading everything he could into his truck. i took Scruffy next door and begged Arlene to watch over Scruffy and not allow my so-called step father to take her, as he had threatened. It was the longest day of my life worrying about Scruffy. As soon as i got home i was over joyed to find Scruffy waiting for me and we returned to our now empty house. The next few years were quite a struggle, i could not have survived without Scruffy. Scruffy always seemed to know when i was coming back from school and would stand on the screen door waiting for me. She could hear a block or so away and began her yelping cry. As soon as i walked into the house she would roll onto her back waiting for me to rub her belly, but she was so excited she would always pee a little. i often thought that Scruffy returned to me in the form of SADDI, they are so much alike. So loving. So loyal. So protective of me. So very much missed.
4 Years
Four years ago today, August 9, 2009, i kissed my beautiful little girl on the ear, whispered how much i love and need her, she raised her paw and placed it on my hand and then she was gone. SADDI is my best friend. SADDI is my soulmate. SADDI, as well as Devon, is the love of my life. SADDI picked me on May 10, 1006 and we shared 13.5 years together. SADDI was with me during the biggest move in my life. Protected me when i was abused and used. Cared for me when i was sick. Celebrated with me when Devon joined our family. A day never passes that i am not overwhelmed with tears in missing SADDI. An hour doesn't go by without a smile from thinking about her. i am forever, deservingly so, carrying the guilt that i could not save her from the evils of cancer, she certainly did not deserve to suffer. But SADDI was brave, confident and ensured that Devon and i were loved, as she also ensured that we continued to spoil her (we didn't need the reminder actually, but it was fun teasing her). SADDI never complained, even on that last day as i laid with her waiting for Devon to return home. We laid there for a couple of hours, where i just told her how much better my life was with her and thanking her for making me a better human. SADDI kept her paw on my hand as she struggled to breathe. She was so weak, but when Devon came through the door she wanted to get up to greet him, but i wouldn't let her and just had Devon hurry to us. SADDI was more human than any human i have ever known. i wish more people knew her and witnessed our beautiful love story. Until the day i am reunited with SADDI at the Rainbow bridge, i will share our story and hopefully inspire more people to be like this amazing doggie. i love you so very much SADDI. i need us and i know, in your own way, you are still with me. i feel you. i feel your energy. And often i even feel you laying against me. Thank you SADDI for loving me when i couldn't even find reasons to love myself.
Devon Yan-Berrong is DEVONATION
The award winning newspaper dress
created by Devon Yan-Berrong
(www.DevonYanBerrong.com )
modeled by Alex Thomas
photo by ric berrong
SAISAR unlimited foundation
The 'SAISAR unlimited foundation' provides treats, food, blankets and leashes to doggies living on the streets with their humans. Our future goal is to be able to help these precious loyal creatures with needed vet cost.
All in loving memory of
Saisar SADDI Berrong
3 years
It is impossible for me to believe that my beautiful precious SADDI has been gone now for three years. Everyday i think about all the things that i miss and it is everything. From the simple things like her thick black hair shedding all over the rug, taking her to the park and playfully pulling chunk after chunk of her hair off and watching it float away in the wind. The beautiful moments that helped me to survive, like the way she would look at me with such love in her eyes. The way she would lean her body against mine as we sat in the park attached to the college and watched the students passing by. As my health began to fail and she no longer could walk in the pace she was use to, adjusting her prance, often stopping to wait for me to catch up. Or whenever i laid down, SADDI always was there to cuddle closely against me. i miss the smell of her paws. i miss chasing her through the house, grabbing at her tail and having her looking back at me with that huge wonderful smile. i miss how she protected me. i miss rushing home from work so i could be with her again. i miss my SADDI so very much and truly cannot wait until the day that we are together again.
F L Y
... FLY ...
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
May 10, 1996
SADDI's Love
Late August 2006
As i said, i was just moving across the street, but the infection in the toe made it very difficult to walk. The weather was wonderful, so SADDI laid on the porch of our new home and watched me carry box after box. The night before i went into the hospital, i set up the bed so SADDI would be comfortable while i was gone. i made her a very special dinner and we cuddled all night. i was so scared and just held SADDI, telling her how much i love her.
The next day, we took a long walk to the park and we played in the tennis court a bit longer, i was trying to delay leaving as much as possible. We returned home and i left SADDI a bed full of treats, many kisses while trying to hold back my tears. i worried about the treats, as SADDI never ate the treats i left for her until i would return from work, but this time i wasn't going to return for 6 days.
My then friend, Helen, came over before and after work to take SADDI for walks, change her water, give her some food and spend sometime with SADDI. Helen would even call me at the hospital and put the phone out for SADDI to hear my voice. It broke my heart to be away from SADDI and i felt so guilty moving her into a new home and then leaving her alone.
Four days into my hospital stay, Helen, her husband Pat and another then friend, Linda, came to visit me at the hospital. And they brought SADDI. i looked forward to this all day. i talked about it all day with the nursing staff, ensuring i had a wheelchair available so i could go outside, since SADDI wasn't allowed inside the hospital. When the time arrived, they hooked up the machine feeding my medicine to me to the wheelchair and Linda took me downstairs. Inside the lobby, the alarm to the machine went off, a loud beeping noise, Linda wanted to take me back to my room to have it fixed, but i refused. i had to see SADDI. An off-duty nurse was passing by and turned off the machine, saying it should be fine for a short while. At the glass door, i could see Helen standing there with SADDI, who was looking everywhere else except at me being wheeled towards her. But the noise of the sliding door alerted SADDI and her tail began to wag with great excitement as she pulled Helen to get to me. SADDI jumped onto my lap, her beautiful smile greeting me. i was wheeled to a more private area, holding SADDI's leash as she walked ahead of me, looking back every few steps to check on me, smiling the entire time.
We found a quiet spot away from the main entrance, SADDI jumped up onto the bench next to me and put her face against mine. Helen, Pat and Linda talked, but i heard nothing as SADDI and i sat there holding one another. SADDI's face was pressed against my check as i rubbed her back and kissed her adorable ears. All i wanted was for this to never end, but too quickly it did. i was wheeled back to the main entrance, SADDI leading the way. Just before Linda took me back to my room, i leaned down to receive a few kisses from SADDI, as i gave her many and told her that i would be home in a couple of days. Of course, i told her how very much i love her. As Linda pushed me back into the hospital, SADDI began barking and crying, i begged Linda to go faster as tears fell from my eyes. i couldn't look back. That night, i laid in my hospital bed crying all night. Holding my hands to my face so i could smell SADDI's scent. The nursing staff didn't come into my room, knowing how devastated i was.
Two days later, i was released from the hospital. Helen picked me up, but before taking me home to SADDI, she took me to her mom's house. Her mom and put together a care package for me and as much as i appreciated it, all i truly needed was to be with SADDI. Finally i was taken home, the door opened and SADDI came out to greet me. We were left alone, in this new house, boxes stacked unpacked, but we were together. SADDI and her rici.
For the next week, i stayed home from work to recover. SADDI never left my side. If i went to the bathroom, SADDI was walking behind me. i couldn't close the door or else she would cry. As i fixed dinner, SADDI stood outside the kitchen, watching me. As we sat on the sofa, SADDI was cuddled tightly against me. Having my toe removed slowed my walk considerably and SADDI knew. Instead of her fast paced prance, SADDI slowed down, though still leading the way and always looking back at me, often waiting for me to catch up.
The bond SADDI and i share is so amazingly strong and beautiful. Even today, i still feel my baby girl smiling upon me as she awaits me to arrive at the Rainbow bridge so we can cuddle again.
... Happy Birthday SADDI ...
February 28, 2012 is the 16th anniversary of birth of
Saisar SADDI Berrong
i miss my sweet baby girl so much
For about a year, we talked about and planned our future, finding it surprisingly wonderful that we agreed on so many aspects, something neither of us had found in past relationships. But our distance was something we knew had to change.
Devon grew up being discouraged about his passion of being an artist/fashion designer. His father, a well known and respected classical Chinese opera singer, knew the struggles of the arts and wanted more for his only son. When Devon was a teen ager, his parents took all his artwork and supplies and put them in the trash, telling him that he needed to focus on business. Not wanting to disrespect his parents, Devon focused business school for several years, hiding from himself the true passions within him. But one day, he started doodling and it ignited the fire within him once again. He kept his art a secret from his parents while finishing business school, but he knew where his heart was meant to be. So when Devon and i started 'dating' online, he knew he had to come to America, to begin our life together and so he would be free to express his artistic gifts.
While still in China, during our courtship, Devon surprised me one day by changing his Chinese name from Yao Ya Yan, to an American name, Devon Yan-Berrong. Never knowing the fulfilling confidence in a relationship before, Devon gave me that gift, even before we had even met face-to-face. i had sent pictures of SADDI, my four legged best friend, and Devon would take pictures of himself with pictures of SADDI to send to me. Devon's love for SADDI, even before meeting her, was just as beautiful of my own.
The process of obtaining a Visa to travel from China to America is extremely complex. There are so many hurdles to overcome and requirements that so many could never comply to. But Devon was determined to be with me. His parents, not knowing of our true relationship, supported Devon's request to come to America to further his education, as did the rest of his family. The first interview for a Visa did not go well and when Devon called me later that evening he was crying. Being thousands of miles apart from the one you love is difficult to comfort them, especially when i wasn't sure how this all could become reality. Weeks later, Devon went for another interview and the phone call later that night was even more heartbreaking. i couldn't seem them, but i could truly feel his tears. Devon was beginning to question if he could go for another interview and be rejected again, but we talked about our future and our shared dreams and he promised me he wouldn't give up.
On December 22, 2006, Devon went in for a third interview to get a student Visa. While i was at work, i kept thinking of what i could say to him in case he was rejected again. What possibly could i say to encourage him. My cell fone rang during the day, which meant night time in China. i took a deep breath and answered it. Devon was crying, but differently. "Rici", he said "I'm sorry to tell you but I'll be in Portland on December 28. I got my Visa!"
Around 7:00am on December 28, 2006, Devon walked off the international flight and in my arms. More beautiful than any of the pictures he had sent me. i took Devon back to the house, where he met SADDI for the visit time. He was nervous, worried that SADDI wouldn't accept him. But as soon as he walked through the door, SADDI welcomed him lovingly, knowing her family was finally home. (The attached picture is the first picture of our family together)
Devon thrived upon coming to America. His self taught artistic skills were inspired to unlimited levels. He found galleries wanting to display his art and quickly began selling his watercolors. He had never experienced such praise and acknowledgements before, it was overwhelming for him and pushed him to look even deeper into his unique creative gifts. Devon returned to his other passion, fashion design. Again, word spread quickly and after one fashion that we, together, produced, models and photographers were begging to work with him. He was invited to take part in several local and national fashion show as well as being asked by the producers of Project Runway to submit an application for the show. Through his life he has felt restricted by others and all he wants to do is follow his own inspirations.
i had lost my entire family, on my birthday, in 1998, when i had come out. For eight years, it was basically just SADDI and i surviving through life. Finally we had a family. But like every family, there are struggles. Devon has taken care of me through two life threatening infections. Changes my bandages and cleaning my wounds, something i would never have been able to do on my own. When i had most of my left foot amputated, Devon, who weighs about 110 pounds (wet), while i was about 275 pounds, had to push me around town in a wheelchair. Somehow, he found the strength to be able to hold me up and help me when i was unable to stand on my own. And we've had to hold each other up since the devastating passing of our precious SADDI in 2009. Without him, i know i could have never survived after SADDI died in my arms.
In October 2011, our landlord gave us a 30 day eviction notice after he sold the property. Devon has reached the low ceiling that Portland has for achieving success in fashion and i had lived in Portland all my life. We decided that a change was very much needed, so instead of searching for something in Portland, i quit my job and we packed our belongings and moved to Seattle. When Devon arrived in Portland, in 2006, he enjoyed the quiet comfortable feeling, but soon it became very boring for him after coming from the excitement of Hong Kong. During a Pride weekend visit to Seattle in 2007, he fell in love with the city. For us, it is basically starting all over again. We don't know anyone in Seattle. Devon has had to make new connections in the fashion world, but because of his talents, it is becoming easy for him. For me, i had lived under one piece of the sky all of my life in Portland. After SADDI died, i had lost a lot of my inspirations, especially for my love of photography. Moving to Seattle, it is so emotional for me, a feeling that i am where i am meant to be. Celebrating the beauty, diversity, the scents of delicious food on every corner and finding my passion for photography once again.
Within a few months of moving to Seattle, we now have the opportunity to celebrate our love and devotion. Never did i believe this day would be possible. i know where ever SADDI is, she is barking with great joy. The reality of being able to marry the man that i love so much has also inspired me to lose weight. i am on a very serious diet so i will look amazing in our wedding photo's, though i know Devon will look even more amazing. Soon the day will come where i can look into the eyes of the man you shares my heart, in the company of dear cherished friends, and say "i do". Though i already have, even before we met and i forever i will, but now our love and commitment will acknowledged and celebrated with a legal marriage. Because of our love and devotion for one another, Devon and i have been an inspiration for many who desire to fulfill their own life and heart. i look forward to continuing to inspire others to believe in the beauty of love when i kiss Devon after saying the words "i do".
At the time i took this picture, SADDI wasn't talking to me. You see, it was an incredibly hot day, so we went to the beach where it was still extremely hot. Even though she hated to get wet, i carried SADDI out to the water to cool her off. With that thick black coat of fur and the hot sizzling summer sun, it was so uncomfortable for her. But she fought me, as she always did when i tried to give her a bath. Several attempts later, she gave in and sat in the water while i calmly talked to her, assuring her that it would feel good. Using my hands, i poured the ocean water onto her and she was fine with it until i dared to pour some water over her face. She darted for the beach. While i stayed in the refreshing water, SADDI sat on the beach glaring at me. When i walked back to the beach, she turned her head and wouldn't even acknowledge me. It wasn't until we got back into the car and stopped at McDonald's would she talk with me again.
... Thank You SADDI ...
my love for her is stronger than ever
and SADDI still visits me
mostly now within my dreams
but at times i feel her presence
i feel SADDI looking at me
when i look down, though i cannot see her, i know she is there
if i think about it, i can actually feel SADDI's fur between my fingers
i have never felt such a powerful beautiful bond before
and even after all this time that she has been gone
i celebrate even these special moments
and i look forward to the day when i am reunited with SADDI
... Two Years ...
i actually find it very difficult to believe that it has been two years since my SADDI was taken from me. Maybe because i still feel numb. Maybe because life has so little meaning without SADDI here to share it with me. Maybe because of the friends i thought i had over the years betraying SADDI's memory to "protect their own heart" or thinking i could so easily go out and get another dog to replace SADDI, these sad excuses for humans are no longer in my life. Never will be again.
Two years without SADDI has felt like several lifetimes have passed and sometimes it just seems like yesterday she was taken away. So often i still feel SADDI near me, with me. Sometimes i can actually feel SADDI's soft fur against my finger tips or against my face like when i gave her kisses. i still hear SADDI's barking, usually thinking my cell fone is ringing, the ring tone is SADDI. But when i check the fone, there is no call.
As i write my book, a tribute to SADDI ... the TRUTH prevails ... i can only get through a few sentences before i have to stop and cry. My memories are so strong and so real, i know SADDI is guiding me to share our very special and beautiful love story. Without notice, suddenly i find myself smiling from a very simple memory that SADDI and i shared. But in just a few short moments that smile is wet with a tear.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation, which helps doggies living on the streets with their humans with treats, blankets and basic needed supplies is all done to honor the memory of SADDI. The homeless humans are far more appreciative to receive something for their doggie than they seem to be in a few coins given to them. And the smile on the doggies face, knowing something special is being given to them, is the greatest thank you i could ever receive.
i am so very much in love with my SADDI and i live my life with the hope that one day, very soon, we will be reunited. Thank you SADDI for teaching me so much about life, love and myself.
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