::: sigh ::: part two
Devon came home the next day, still acting a little moody. But he had taken care of everything that i had on a list for him, since i am currently sidelined recovering from my recent amputation.
i tried talking to him, but he still wanted to fight. i just had to remind that i didn't say anything and he blew up at me. He finally listened and settled down.
i just had to remind him that i know and understand how stressed he gets when he nears fashion shows. i've been dealing with this for 5 years, since he started DEVONATION. i understand it. i fully respect the hard work and long late hours he puts himself through. He gets stressed. And i am the only one around him that does completely understands, but i am also the only one he releases that stress onto. It's unfair to me. It hurts me. It hurts us.
Devon will never come out and apologize, just a hug and a more relaxed attitude after he listens. i am, and have always been, a very sensitive person. After the abuse, physical and emotional, i receive from a past relationship and the betrayal from my entire family, i am very fragile and not every trusting.
Damnit, i love Devon and i will fight for this relationship that i fully believe in within my heart and soul. Sure he might get moody and say some very hurtful things now and then, but i know he loves me. Devon has stayed with me despite my failings and issues with my health. No one, other than SADDI, ever has.
This isn't the life i want for myself or Devon. When my leg heals and i get my new leg, look out world. Devon and i are on our way.
:::sigh:::
The other night Devon was about to make himself some boxed pasta. As he put milk with the water, I warned him about how the milk will cook fast and spill over. With his too usual attitude, he said this wasn't the first time he had made pasta.
He put the pan on the stove and sat down, a few feet away, at his computer and put his ear phones on. In just a couple of minutes, the water/milk began to boil and spilled over. He jumped up and finished making his pasta, but cleaned up the mess before eating.
I said nothing.
When he sat down to eat, I was just looking at him and he yelled at me to shut up. I had said nothing. When I asked him what I had said, he yelled again for me to shut up and how he wished he lived alone.
When Devon gets upset about anything, he always takes it out on me in usually a very cruel way. He started tossing around his ear phones and drawing tablet. I told him to calm down. I was told to shut up again. I got myself up from the sofa and headed to the front door with my walker. His chair was in my way, so I said 'excuse me'. He violently moved the chair out of my way and I went to the front door.
Because I am needing to use a walker, it was a struggle to open the front door and get out to the porch. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair on the porch.
Sitting there thinking about why I put up with this shit over and over and over again. It started to rain and it was cold. After about an hour I got up and came back into the house. Devon had turned off the lights and TV and went upstairs to bed.
The next day, he came downstairs and said nothing to me. But he was getting ready to go to work (he told me the day before), but he wasn't dressed for work. As he got something to drink, he asked if I needed anything before he left. With my current situation, I can't make my own meals, coffee or even unload the dishwasher. I told him I didn't want anything and then he left.
He didn't contact me all day and didn't come home (again). He says he is staying with friends, people I have never met. But every time he does this, it makes me even more insecure about our relationship. He knows how I feel, it clearly doesn't bother him. Nor does it bother him the cruel things he says in anger and never apologizes.
His friends, who have never met me, question why he is with me. Wonderful of Devon too tell me this, knowing how much it would hurt me. He has other friends, who he admits he uses in cases they can do something for him, who don't like me because I wont tolerate their lies or rudeness.
With Devon gone all day and into the night, I haven't ate anything all day. It took me sometime to take chicken out of the freezer, my balance making me think I was going to fall. But a sauce pan to boil the chicken was still in the dishwasher, which I can't reach or I would fall. And the likely injuring myself and left to lay there on the floor.
Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. A part of me truly just wants to die. It's very difficult dealing with the recent amputation of my right leg and all the limits and struggles. When Devon is loving, he is very loving. But since this past summer, he has been increasing moody and I am the one he takes it out on. He could leave me at anytime, I almost expect it sometimes.
This is no way to live.
He put the pan on the stove and sat down, a few feet away, at his computer and put his ear phones on. In just a couple of minutes, the water/milk began to boil and spilled over. He jumped up and finished making his pasta, but cleaned up the mess before eating.
I said nothing.
When he sat down to eat, I was just looking at him and he yelled at me to shut up. I had said nothing. When I asked him what I had said, he yelled again for me to shut up and how he wished he lived alone.
When Devon gets upset about anything, he always takes it out on me in usually a very cruel way. He started tossing around his ear phones and drawing tablet. I told him to calm down. I was told to shut up again. I got myself up from the sofa and headed to the front door with my walker. His chair was in my way, so I said 'excuse me'. He violently moved the chair out of my way and I went to the front door.
Because I am needing to use a walker, it was a struggle to open the front door and get out to the porch. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair on the porch.
Sitting there thinking about why I put up with this shit over and over and over again. It started to rain and it was cold. After about an hour I got up and came back into the house. Devon had turned off the lights and TV and went upstairs to bed.
The next day, he came downstairs and said nothing to me. But he was getting ready to go to work (he told me the day before), but he wasn't dressed for work. As he got something to drink, he asked if I needed anything before he left. With my current situation, I can't make my own meals, coffee or even unload the dishwasher. I told him I didn't want anything and then he left.
He didn't contact me all day and didn't come home (again). He says he is staying with friends, people I have never met. But every time he does this, it makes me even more insecure about our relationship. He knows how I feel, it clearly doesn't bother him. Nor does it bother him the cruel things he says in anger and never apologizes.
His friends, who have never met me, question why he is with me. Wonderful of Devon too tell me this, knowing how much it would hurt me. He has other friends, who he admits he uses in cases they can do something for him, who don't like me because I wont tolerate their lies or rudeness.
With Devon gone all day and into the night, I haven't ate anything all day. It took me sometime to take chicken out of the freezer, my balance making me think I was going to fall. But a sauce pan to boil the chicken was still in the dishwasher, which I can't reach or I would fall. And the likely injuring myself and left to lay there on the floor.
Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. A part of me truly just wants to die. It's very difficult dealing with the recent amputation of my right leg and all the limits and struggles. When Devon is loving, he is very loving. But since this past summer, he has been increasing moody and I am the one he takes it out on. He could leave me at anytime, I almost expect it sometimes.
This is no way to live.
S A D D I
Even after over six years, I still wake up each morning looking for SADDI. Waiting to feel her against my back, being able to play with her tail or rub her belly.
But soon the reality sets in that I realize she is gone forever. A reality I don't want to be a part of.
People may never understand the bond SADDI and I share. Devon is currently the only human in my life that knew SADDI and I together. Everyone else has faded away. One 'friend' exited my life after 15 years because she couldn't handle seeing me sad after SADDI died.
I was blessed with 13.5 years of faithful love, devoted friendship and a silly loyal companion. I think back at times when I would go out and leave SADDI home with people I thought were friends.
I am truly so sorry SADDI
Summer Lost
We're about a week away from autumn 2015, where did the summer go?
Seems i have completely lost an entire season dealing with, once again, my leg issues. Again. For the most part, i have lost the past three years, being in the hospital (24 times in three years), bandages and a cast that limited me in the distances i could walk and just feeling weak from the abuse i have given my body for the diabetes.
What this has done for Devon is unfair too. But he has found some new friends that allowed him to venture away from me to have some fun.
Now without part of my leg, i try to be patient while it heals so that i, we, can live again. i'm told it will happen, but this always comes from people who are freely able to come and go as they please. i just to move a few feet to get to the bathroom in time.
The depression is overwhelming, but i am keeping it within and putting on a mask for others. i sit on the sofa all day getting bored with daytime TV. When Devon goes to bed, i can cover my head with a blanket and cry in the loneliness on the sofa where i should be sleeping.
In the middle of the night i am awakened by the need to roll over. But with part of my leg missing, it's stupidly difficult. Or if i need to go to the bathroom, i have to sit on the sofa arm for a bit to wake up, or my 'good' leg isn't awake, strong enough, to get me the few feet to the bathroom. And then i sit there for a few minutes waking up, gaining strength to lift myself up, safely, to be able to go back to bed. The whole time trying to walk quietly, with my walker, so as not to wake Devon up.
i really don't anymore of my life to be lost or wasted, but how much time do i have remaining in this life after the damage i have already done to myself?
T O D A Y
Everything is changing.
It has to.
After 53 wasted years, i's awake.
I'm willing to understand.
To change.
To be what I should have been.
To do what I should have done.
So much time wasted on what to eat next.
So much time wasted on being lazy.
I'm enjoying eating healthy.
Though limited, I enjoy working out.
Feeling the burn inspires me.
Seeing and feeling the results encourages me.
It's a slow process.
But so was the devastation I was doing to myself.
Where I want to be wont happen overnight.
Where I have been didn't happen overnight.
I was slowly killing myself.
And I didn't care.
I thought I was happy with food.
Actually it was making me even more depressed.
I see that now.
I feel that now.
I believe in myself now.
Maybe I have to do this alone.
I've waited a long time for someone to believe in me.
I waited for myself.
There is no way to have success without me believing in me.
When I find it.
When I feel it.
Others will as well.
Even without them, I will have found me.
Overwhelming
It has been sometime since I have posted on here and it certainly wasn't my choice.
After over a three year ordeal with trying to save my leg from diabetes, though I wasn't doing enough to fight, I had my leg amputated below the knee in late July. After a week in the hospital, I came home with another cast and a fake leg that I couldn't put too much weight on. Devon had to leave to Chicago for an Asian conference, he didn't want to go, especially after I had just gotten out of the hospital, but I don't want to hold him back.
I did okay being home alone. I was able to cook meals and wash myself, but most of my days and nights were spent sitting on the sofa. I had a doctors appointment, so i was sitting in a chair at the bathroom sink, when I tried to get up, grabbing the damp sink, I fell down, one leg going one way the other in a different direction. Basically doing the splits. I sat there briefly, laughing because I am too weak to cry. I was able to lift myself onto the chair and finally finished dressing for my appointment.
I called for a Uber ride and started to slowly make my way down the steps of the porch. My first step with my right leg, my "leg" snapped and shifted to the right. I caught myself and sat on the steps, having 'broke' my leg. The Uber driver arrived soon after and came over to give me a hand, his eyes almost popping out of his head seeing my leg as it was.
I was able to get into his car and we went to the doctors. As soon as the cast was removed, I was told I had opened up the surgical area and I was put back into the hospital for three days while they connected a wound pump. I was then transferred to an adult rehab so I could be watched and keep the wound pump on me to help with the healing. The wound pump was put on me on Sunday and the wound doctor removed it on Monday. Claiming there wasn't enough drainage to keep it on me.
I stayed at the rehab for 20 days, doing rehab twice a day, trying to strengthen my upper body. Because I had a roommate that needed more attention, I was lucky to get 4 hours sleep a night. Much of my days were spent in my section of the room, sitting in a wheelchair, curtains closed for privacy, while I did what I could alone to workout out.
The physical therapist didn't want me to leave and after an inspection of our house, didn't think it was safe enough, by their standards, to come home. But honestly, I was sent to the rehab for the wound pump, which was removed after one day and without being able to get any rest or sleep, I needed to come home before I broke down, emotionally.
Coming home would certainly have struggles, most of which the added responsibilities I had to put on Devon and getting around with one leg using a walker. Again, much of my life lately, is spent on the sofa and hopping the few steps to the bathroom. Being at the rehab has helped my upper body get stronger which has helped me getting up and moving around. But I do not have the balance on one leg to do simple tasks for myself. So Devon has had to make my meals, coffee and anything else I need. I basically need him 24/7, but I can't do that to him. He's working part-time, on weekends and usually stays over at a friends but it is easier then coming home and leaving again with little time to rest. I just try to understand, because I believe very soon this role reversal will go back to normal. Where I am taking care of him, which I enjoy doing.
A little over a month since the amputation, the wound is healing nicely. My blood sugars are under control. i'm still working out as I sit on the sofa. It took the removal of my toes and part of my leg to wake me up to the reality I should have embraced years ago. i'm finally taking care of myself, eating right, exercising and looking forward to the future.
Because of my balance issues, I haven't been able to kiss the container holding SADDI's ashes before I leave the house, returning, good night or good morning. And that bothers me.
If all goes well, as it seems to be, I should be fitted for a new leg in a couple of weeks and I assured that life will return to "normal".
September 12, 2015
THANKFUL
.. For those who care, a quick update. i'm getting around the house a bit better with the use of my walker. i spend many hours on the sofa, but now and then i get myself to the bathroom (just feet away but it takes a few minutes to get there). At least once a day i go to the front door and stand there getting some fresh air. i should stay there longer to air myself out as i wont be able to shower for a month, at least. Washing up is a struggle as i need to keep one hand on the walker for balance. i had my first cast change on Wednesday, to not make a mess in the house it was cut off outside on the front porch. It's been over a week since i have been able to bend my knee, it felt weird and wonderful at the same time. The tech who came over seems pleased by the way it is healing and possibly next weeks cast changing will allow me to have a cast that will not go over my knee and i'll be able to get around easier. i had the tech repeat the follow so Devon could hear it, but he feels by the end of August that i'll a prosthetic and i'll be walking without the aide of my walker or cane. It seems like forever, but i see light at the end of this long three year tunnel. ... Devon has been, and always has been, amazing. Maybe i should have gone to the rehab, though i wouldn't have survived emotionally, Devon has taken on the overwhelming tasks of stupid silly daily things that we all take for granted, don't even think about doing, that right now i just can't. i wanted to make a special dinner for us last night, but i can't stay on my good foot very long, so Devon prepared a delicious meal for us. i'm truly blessed to love him and be loved by him. ... ... ... Right now the hardest part of all this is trying to stay positive as i watch from the sofa life passing by. i'm assured sooner rather than later that i will be back, it's the right now i am struggling with. My emotions are so fragile now, so much so that i am not sure i can watch the last Daily Show with Jon Stewart tonight without being flooded by tears. Maybe i should watch the republican debate for all the laughs it will create? i'd have to sanitized my house after watching Faux Opinion though. ... ... ... i'd like to send out a very special THANK YOU to the amazing nurses at Highline Medical Center (6th floor Birch) who took such good care of me for 12 days, Mike Ashland and Debby Gosik-Cargo and Namiko f or the very special gifts that i shall cherish always. Lastly, our neighbor Anne who is beyond kind all the time and will be checking up with me while Devon is away for a few days at a per-planned conference, he didn't want to go to in the first place, but especially now, but i assured him i will be fine. There are still good people in this world, i feel inspired and encouraged, after being betrayed so often by family and so-called friends. i've rambled on enough. Thank you for the messages, public and private.
August 6, 2015
Devon just left and honestly i am really scared about being home alone with my current condition. But this trip was planned several weeks ago and it is giving him a chance to go to Chicago (something i'm not able to do for him).
Stupid silly simple things i am unable to do for myself, like get a new tube of tooth paste from below the sink. i just hope i remembered everything i will be needing in the week he will be gone.
Devon has been wonderful in handling so many things around the house since i came back, normal things i would do without even thinking about, things that he would have taken for granted that i did. Last night i wanted to make a special dinner for us but i wasn't strong enough to stay standing on one foot, so Devon made it all with some guidance from me on the sofa. Devon makes noodles or warms up soup, his skills in the kitchen. But dinner turned out really good.
Devon didn't want to go on this trip from the beginning, but since he isn't working they kinda made him feel guilty that everyone else in the group works and he doesn't. (i wont have anything to do with the PrideAsia group as it seems more ego driven and less community). With my current situation, Devon was concerned about leaving me home alone. And honestly, i'm worried to, but i tried to assure him i will be fine.
As he walked out the door, i could hear SADDI crying and walking through the house as she did. Damn, i miss her so much.
Casting Off
i had my cast changed today, first time since the amputation. Admittedly i was nervous about how my leg is healing. The tech was impressed by how i was getting around.
We went out on the front porch so as not to make a mess in the house. It felt weird to be able to bend my knee after being casted for a week. In bending it, my knee jerked trying to bend. i had a feeling of wanting to rest my foot on ground, a foot that is no longer there.
The tech said "oh wow" as the cast came off, i didn't know what he meant until he finally said how good it looked. Relief. Everything is healing nicely, with just a small section still needing to fully come together. Next week i should be able to get the staples out and get a new cast that doesn't cover my knee ... if the healing continues in the positive direction it is going now.
The other thing the tech told me, that i also had him repeat to Devon, is by the of August i'll be walking without the aide of my walker or cane. i don't really remember the tech coming to my hospital room as i was still kinda out of from surgery and lack of sleep. So what he told me i was a little fuzzy about. i saw recovery taking about a year, but the reality is it will take less time. Quite a bit less. i just look forward to walking again and i am assured that will happen. It gave me a lot of confidence for the future.
August 5, 2015
Small victories.
i'm able to stand up from the sofa easier lately, but my upper body strength is certainly not where it should be. i'm also walking a bit better, i actually stepped out onto the porch and stood there for a short time getting some fresh air. It felt good to fill my lungs. Though just that short walk takes a lot out of me. i spend much of my day and night seated on the sofa. i rarely drink anything because i don't want to keep getting up to pee and all i have ate since coming home two days ago is a bowl of cereal that first night. Devon went out last night and i asked him to bring me home something, but i fell asleep before he got home and he just let me sleep.
i do feel bad having to ask so much of Devon and that created a bit of a fight today. He's concerned about having a husband with only one leg and the added pressures these past three years of my declining health have had on him. His friends (who don't know me) and his family, question why he is still with me. i can't begin to express how deeply this hurts me as he has had other friends who have said the same thing in the past. To hear it from Devon, i'm nothing more than a whiner with no friends beyond Facebook. Which in reality is true. Devon seems to make friends who are always able to pay for dinner, movies and take him to the lake for a few days. He's okay with that. i have been like that and don't enjoy people paying my way. He says we have nothing to talk about, but when i try to talk to him while he is watching a Chinese show on the computer, he always seems upset that i am bothering him. i love him so much and he is right, he is all i have. Hopefully when my leg heals and i am able to get around better, things between us will be better.
i'm able to stand up from the sofa easier lately, but my upper body strength is certainly not where it should be. i'm also walking a bit better, i actually stepped out onto the porch and stood there for a short time getting some fresh air. It felt good to fill my lungs. Though just that short walk takes a lot out of me. i spend much of my day and night seated on the sofa. i rarely drink anything because i don't want to keep getting up to pee and all i have ate since coming home two days ago is a bowl of cereal that first night. Devon went out last night and i asked him to bring me home something, but i fell asleep before he got home and he just let me sleep.
i do feel bad having to ask so much of Devon and that created a bit of a fight today. He's concerned about having a husband with only one leg and the added pressures these past three years of my declining health have had on him. His friends (who don't know me) and his family, question why he is still with me. i can't begin to express how deeply this hurts me as he has had other friends who have said the same thing in the past. To hear it from Devon, i'm nothing more than a whiner with no friends beyond Facebook. Which in reality is true. Devon seems to make friends who are always able to pay for dinner, movies and take him to the lake for a few days. He's okay with that. i have been like that and don't enjoy people paying my way. He says we have nothing to talk about, but when i try to talk to him while he is watching a Chinese show on the computer, he always seems upset that i am bothering him. i love him so much and he is right, he is all i have. Hopefully when my leg heals and i am able to get around better, things between us will be better.
H O M E
i came home on August 3, 2015 after 12 days in the hospital. All the days blended together, i don't have much of a memory of my time there.
Coming home was of some concern, especially getting up the 4 steps to the house. But our dear neighbor Anne picked me up, i took up the entire back seat as i am unable to bend my leg due to the cast. After 12 days laying in a hospital bed, the fresh air i was looking forward to wasn't there as the air is filled with smoke from distant fires but it was so nice to be freed.
Upon arriving home and sliding out of Anne's car, i started to get nervous about going up those four steps with basically only one leg. Instead of thinking about, i just handed Devon my walker and took that first step and then the next and soon i was standing at the top with the aide of my walker.
The first thing i did inside the house was come over and give SADDI's ashes a kiss and thanked her for being with me in the hospital. i miss her so much, but our memories and my love for her find a way of bringing me peace and a smile through the tears.
i had to ask Devon for a few things and i know i was getting on his nerves. So i just tired to go to sleep so as not to bother him further. But in the middle of the night i needed to go to the bathroom and it worried me. Getting up from the toilet was something i never thought of before, but i struggled to lift myself.
In a couple of days Devon is leaving for about a week for a conference in Chicago with the Pride Asia group he belongs to, this was arranged many weeks ago. He doesn't want to go, especially now. But he needs to go, as i don't want to hold him back because of what i am going through. i'm scared of being left home alone for that time, but i can't go anywhere or do anything anyway.
My depression isn't any better, as i am crying often. But it's not about being home, it's not about part of my leg missing ... it's about not being the ric i once was. i wonder if i will be again. Everyone in the hospital assures me i will be normal again, but right now it is so difficult to see beyond this moment i am living.
August 1, 2015
Well, i have been in the hospital since July 23, though all the days and nights have blended together. Devon has visited once, but had a time limit so he could meet his friends to go to the movies. This weekend he derided to go to the lake with his friends while i lay in the hospital bed alone. He seems more concerned about how this will effect him emotionally then what it is doing to me physically and emotionally.
i'm getting to the bathroom on my own, but it is a struggle and exhausting. The first few days days after the amputation i was having seriously painful phantom pains in my fake foot. It felt like i was walking on glass or sharp knifes. i'd lay in bed crying while pushing the button to give me pain relief. (It barely helped)
i lay in my hospital bed all day and night, barely able to sleep because nurses are always coming into my room to check my vitals. One night i was given a sleeping pill at 1:30am but was awakened at 4:30am.
i'm expected to go home in a couple of days, but i don't know what to expect. It is so difficult getting out of my hospital bed just to pee, i don't know how i am going to get up the three steps to get into the house.
They keep telling me things are going to get better and i'll be getting around almost as normally as i once did. It's hard to believe right now.
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