getting the message out
reality check
as my heart fades
my energy limited
my days numbered
more need to stress my message
.jpg)
Take Me Away
It's been awhile since i've posted anything here, for reasons that i am just lazy. i went into the hospital recently to have the bones in my foot shaved, as they keep growing even after the amputation. All went well and i was out of the hospital within a couple of days. However, a week later an infection entered into my foot, causing me to have a high fever and uncontrollable chills. i was put into the hospital for a week as i battled the infection. Alone. No one came to visit me and a only received a couple of messages online. Thankfully i have my memories of SADDI to keep me company and comfort me in the long lonely sleepless hours. This is like the forth such infection in my foot since having my toes amputated nearly three years ago. With every infection i have, the harder it is to fight it. This time, after leaving the hospital, i had to have antibiotics that cost $1,200 for a 7 day supply (thankfully the hospital was able to find a grant to pay for the pills). The pills had a major effect on my body. Making it impossible for me trust my bowels.
These past three years alone have put me in such deep debt, even if i won the lottery i may not get fully out of debt. The stress of the pile of bills is overwhelming and then being unable to work, because of my health, doesn't help.
Today, April 7, 2015, was a reality check. With my heart fading, currently only working at 10%, i was weak and so tired. My energy is a struggle everyday. i slept much of the day. A simple walk to the bus takes everything out of me. i keep pushing myself because i haven't fully accepted my health limits. While sitting on the sofa, i feel "normal", but once i get up and begin to move around the reality settles in.
My marriage to Devon is a joke. He has so many secrets i have just given up trying to understand. It's my fault as i am not able to be the kind of husband he deserves or i want to be. My death wont have much meaning on anyone.
Do i think about death? All the time. i just hope where ever it is that i go after i die, SADDI will be there waiting for me.
My marriage to Devon is a joke. He has so many secrets i have just given up trying to understand. It's my fault as i am not able to be the kind of husband he deserves or i want to be. My death wont have much meaning on anyone.
Do i think about death? All the time. i just hope where ever it is that i go after i die, SADDI will be there waiting for me.
March 8, 2015
This was not a good day. The weather was amazing, as it has been this entire winter in Seattle, so i decided to go to the University of Washington to do some photography of the blooming cherry blossoms. Walking up the hill to get to the bus, my legs were weak and tight and because of my weakening heart, it seemed to take more of an effort. By the time i reached the bus stop, i felt as if i had walked several miles.
i know my heart is dangerously unhealthy, but i refuse to allow that to stop me from the limited living i do. My chest was hurting and i was walking slowly. i know my life will be over soon, i'm not scared, just pissed at what a waste my life has been.
My depression is getting worse, not because of my health, but i just miss my SADDI so much. i wonder when i die if i will see her again. Hollywood has teased me into believing that there is something beyond this life. i don't know. If there is, all i want, or need, is to spend it with SADDI.
B L E S S E D
Just a few weeks ago, over night, my eye sight became so bad i couldn't read anything on my computer or phone. i had to buy a pair of those drug store magnify glasses to survive. But now, my eye sight has returned to normal and the glasses are collecting dust in the closet. ... A few weeks ago i would nearly choke just taking a sip of coffee or a bite of anything. Devon would have to run to get the trash can so i could throw up or get me a tissue to wipe away the flood of tears in my eyes. This happening at home was bad enough, but going out in public and this happening was scary. Now, everything goes down just fine. ... A few weeks ago i couldn't lift my head when walking down the street, if i lifted my head i would loose my balance and even with the cane i would almost fall down. Even standing in one place was difficult to keep my balance. Well, the other day i felt confident enough to go without my cane and did pretty good. ... Almost two years ago they were ready to cut off my leg. Today, there is hope to have the cast off completely in a few weeks after surgery. ... A few weeks ago i was unable to change my clothes without Devon's help. Today i just let him help me because i know he likes to undress me. ... Two years ago i was coming down with pneumonia at least once a month, a couple of times i was hospitalized because it was so serious. i would lay in the hospital bed scared believing this was the end, feeling hopeless. Today, i am just scared because i feel so hopeful. A few weeks ago, i had to stop about every ten feet trying to catch my breath or rest. Yesterday i walked for almost three hours, stopping only to cross the street. ... My insurance doesn't cover my physical therapy, so i have had to do this all on my own. It hasn't been easy, especially encouraging myself. Today i started a three day fast to cleanse my body as i begin again. i honestly don't know what tomorrow will bring, or how many tomorrows i will have, but for the first time in a long time, i actually #believe there will be a tomorrow. #CelebrateLife
11%
i have every right to be depressed, having been in a cast to save my leg for nearly three years. My families rejection of me because of who i am. My heart giving up on me. Currently funcationing at only 11%. A life never as i have dreamed it could be. Friendship never being as they should be. Missing my SADDI so very much. In my life i have struggled with depression for over 30 years, but the reality is i have rarely been depressed. Instead of sitting around in tears and fears, i have always tired to be a witness to this glorious life. Something so simple as feeling the weather to something so amazing as watching an eagle watching me. Lately i get tired so easily, but i know there is much more to see and experience and learn. So i push myself a little further, slightly harder, because i don't want to regret anything more and i truly want to inspire many more. i have my moments where i question reality, i'm human. But more so i cherish and embrace reality. Before i woke up this this moment i am in right now, i did waste a lot of time that i now regret, but cannot change. i have today, this every moment, and it is truly so very special. #CelebrateLife
reality
From my words, people might wonder why i stay with Devon. Or why i married him. The reality is that i cannot live without him. Though he can often be hurtful, Devon has stayed with me despite my numerous failures. Devon respects my love and devotion to SADDI. Devon has taken care of me when i was ill. Changing my bandages while my infections clear, something i could have never done myself. Devon grew up spoiled in a never wanting life, something i have been unable to provide for him. Devon may not be supportive of my interest, but that is how he was raised, by parents who discouraged instead of encouraged. We have our differences in what we believe and what we like ... but we share so much too. Yes, i have been deeply hurt by Devon, often he doesn't realize it because that he just how he was talked to growing up and often i can be overly sensitive because of how i have been treated. i do love him and wish i was a better man for him, but for the most part he accepts me for who i am ... not his dream husband ... but his husband. i am sorry if i am giving a negative impression of Devon, i do not mean to do so, just offering truths but i know i need to offer other truths.
remembering SADDI
i'm not cold, just hiding my tears. i miss my SADDI so much, no one truly understands or respects this. 5.5 years later and i still wait for her to jump on the sofa to sit next to me and lean against me. i feel so alone in my life, no true friends and those i thought were, easily betrayed me. Though i am married to Devon, there's a broken trust that happen in the beginning of our relationship and continues with his "secret" friends today. i'm not welcomed when he meets up with his friends. Just last year while he was doing a photo shoot, i stayed with all our belongings when he received a text message from someone looking forward to seeing him again and giving him a massage. When i confronted Devon about this, he actually got mad at me and tried to make me feel bad about it. He says it was just someone he meant when he went out with friends, but i wondered why he gave this stranger his number and why they were offering a 'special massage'. Devon claims to have deleted the number, but he still goes to the same place to hang out with friends where i am sure he still see's this person. i know i am not the man Devon hoped to be with, but i am the one who supports him and encourages him with truth. Something i haven't from "friends" or especially from his parents. And so i cry, alone, knowing my life is almost over because of my health, hopeful i will be reunited with my SADDI, but worried that there is nothing after we die.
Teasing SADDI
We told SADDI there was a horsey outside, she fell for it every time. But when she realized we weren't laughing at her for that, but instead because of how we dressed her, she let us know that it wasn't funny at all ... which made it even funnier.
Miss you SADDI
i deserve it
i've had two real relationships in my life. The first with Jaye, lasted four years. During that time i took his physical and emotional abuse. Today, he continues going around telling people i abused him and that we only dated. Dated for four years while i cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills and took care of him during his darkest days with OCD. One day, during one of his violent outburst, he kicked SADDI and he just continued on. i should have kicked him out then, but i was so stupid and tried to work things out with him.
Today, i am legally married to Devon since June 29, 2014 and have been together since 2006. But things are getting questionable. When we were first together, while i was at work, he would meet men from online. He claims there was nothing sexual. Today he has "secret friends", because he feels it is healthy to have secrets from me, not realizing he is chipping away at the trust between us. This morning, i took $2.00 from his wallet as i was leaving for something to drink while i was in Tacoma ... Devon had asked for a day alone, so i was giving it to him. i found a receipt in his wallet for a rose and wrapping paper on a day he claimed to be going out to get thread. i wont say anything, even though it hurts deeply.
i realized a long time ago that i didn't truly deserve happiness in my life. Especially after i wasn't able to do anything for SADDI. i've accepted this truth, but it doesn't mean i understand it. Because of my failing heart, i know i wont be here much longer. i leave my thoughts and emotions here to be found after i am gone. All i can really say is my hurt and loneliness in life is deserved. Hopefully in death i will be reunited with SADDI and i can be happy forever.
Broken Hearted
My health goes up and down all the time, many days i struggle to leave the house, other days i thrive and look forward to be alive. Valentine's Day 2015 i was in the middle, but had to find my energy to celebrate the day with my husband, Devon. We were quite early for the movie, so we to Pike Place Chowder for soup. i just had a Pepsi, knowing our budget. Somehow the conversation came to how i am not a proper representative for the DEVONATION brand because i am older and don't dress stylish enough for that crowd. Devon always knows just what to say to make me feel like crap. To please Devon. which isn't easy, we went to a Chinese movie and then to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. Devon decided to get a 12 year old Japanese whiskey, believing it would taste differently than other whiskey. (One sip i had, it didn't taste any different) But then Devon started telling the story of his ex and when they would drink whiskey together. I could fell my eyes filling with tears, seriously, who talks about their ex to their husband, especially on Valentine's Day? Knowing that i am a diabetic and struggling with my health, i found it surprising that Devon would buy me chocolate for Valentine's Day.
February 2, 2015
Devon grew up without the support or encouragement he deserved or any child needs. That cycle continues in how he often talks to me. What he thinks is cute or funny, is very hurtful to me. i've cried enough in my 52 years, because i have always been treated like this. i know he loves me, but his word hurt me. He knows it, but there is never an apology, only silence. Yes, i did not get him a birthday gift, mainly because of our limited budget but i did bake him a cake and arranged for some true friends to gather and celebrate with him. But how many times is he going to remind me that i didn't give him a 'gift'? i have never said anything about not receiving a gift or even a card on my birthday or that even though i was sick, i had to make my own birthday dinner. This isn't just about Devon, but about most people. So easily they can ignore, belittle, disrespect and pretend to be friends to me. If they need anything, that is really the only time i see or feel their friendship. For whatever i did in a past life, and how i let SADDI down when she had cancer, i know i deserve my loneliness and sadness. i just wish people could look at how they are towards others and break the cycle of being cruel.
answers?
i awoke to live another day.
There must be a reason why.
To encourage others to 'seize EVERY moment'?
To live with my guilt?
Will i find the answers or will there just be more questions?
Saturday January 17, 2015 1:16am
It's likely 35* outside, with chest pains and soreness in my left shoulder,i'm awake a lil sweaty and weak. It is likely i wont wake up some morning and i am totally fine with that. i do enjoy life, but not the life i am living. And i know i am not a good person or why else am i so alone. My family has been out of my life since my birthday in 1998 ... their choice because of their chosen religious beliefs. i was told i was shoving my being gay down their throats. Yet the evil person i was seeing at the time and i never even sat next to each when the family was around. And what about the Christmas card i received from my cousin, Corria, telling me i was going to hell unless i changed and accepted Jesus in my life.
My mom has been out of my life since January 3, 2000 when i learned she was getting back together with her ex-husband (1972). A man who was abusive towards me and his son who sexually abused me. When she told him to move out in spring of 1972, he and his son loaded as much as they could before they left. i was so scared, i took my precious Scruffy to the neighbors, out of fear he would take her too. Even pictures and movies from my childhood with my dear grandma Alpha who died in 1968.
Jaye Salban was my partner from 1997 to 2001. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, one time beating me with my camera tripod. When i finally found the strength to hit him out on October 31, 2001, he began going around telling lies about me. i lost friends because he plays the victim so well. i have so much more to say about him, but i will leave at him just being an evil person.
i lost my SADDI, after 13.5 yeas, on August 9, 2009, my life has never been the same. Since that day, i have wanted to die. SADDI died of cancer because i was unable to do anything for her. A guilt i will never allow myself to forget, in life or death. SADDI did not deserve to suffer, yet she still loved me. SADDI, i am so sorry.
Devon arrived on December 28, 2006 and we were legally married on June 29, 2014. Devon deserves so much more. Because of my health, i have been a failed husband, sexually, emotionally. He gave up so much to come be with me and he hasn't received very much in return. Recently he has become a lot like his mother, in putting me down, which i accepted because i deserve it. So what if it hurts. Even many of his so-called friends, like Choi Yee, have been disrespectful to me, but Devon always defends them.
We heard from more distant friends on our wedding more then those who live close. i don't want them near, but Devon holds onto to them. i cried when Devon and i got married. Mainly because it meant so much to me, but also because only one person attended our wedding.
In 2014, i had a series of mini strokes and ever since my health has gotten worse. It's difficult for me to be the person i am no longer. i use to easily walk up stairs, these days i can barely lift my legs up one step. Just a year ago i was able to walk around, taking pictures. i'd be gone for hours, enjoying being part of nature. Now i can't walk without my knee's going weak, my balance shaky and completely unable to stand still long enough to take a picture that stays in focus. i am but a memory of who i was. Something i do not want to be.
If this is to be my final entry, so be it Just know i do love life, just not the life this has become.
what if ...
a question i have been asking myself a lot lately. With the passing's of Robin Williams and Taylor Negron, two beautiful kind amazing souls, and my own health situation, there is a lot of thought about this being all there is. Of course my hope is that i will be reunited with my precious Saisar SADDI Berrong, but who truly knows what happens when our time in this current body expires. Is this all there is? If that is true, if after we die there is nothing more, our time, limited or extended, is even more meaningful upon this earth. Today. Robin, Taylor and SADDI gave so much of themselves to others and never stood up and begged for anything in return. They just shared through love and goodness, making their lives so very powerfully true. None of us know how much time we have remaining, because there is no guarantee for tomorrow, so why waste it on a selfish meaningless agenda? There is more to this life then you. If you are so honored to wake up tomorrow, it will be today. And today is what matters. Make it matter. i have witnessed such cruel behavior in the name of people's chosen beliefs. And i have experienced love from my stunningly beautiful and ridiculously talented husband Devon Yan. i have not been so worthy of this grandest reward, i must do better. Be better. Today. #SameLove Personally, i do not want to exit this glorious earth and have anyone questioning how i felt about them. The saddest thing you can do is wait until someone is gone forever to share how you feel about them. What if, as likely as it is, they can't hear or feel you. While they, while you, are still here, be heard and felt. Don't wait for them, encourage and inspire them. In this often crazy world, love more, judge less. Share more, be selfish less.
Taylor Negron
... the last message i received from him ... to ric
You are an inspiration and a treasure …I hope that you continue to see light and brightness…Its been a very tough for me so I get much from you all- Love Tay
August 1, 1957 – January 10, 2015
reality January 7, 2015
i know i am going to die soon ... and i really don't care. Basically, my life ended on August 9, 2009 when SADDI was taken from me. Also, as my health continues to fail and my body changes, where i am not able to do the things i did before, i don't want to live in this warped body any longer. They effort it takes just to get up from the sofa proves i will never be as i once was. My joy of photography is over as i am unable to stand still long enough to take a picture. i also realize that the people in my life don't truly care if i live or die, they'll move. Just as my family did. As my depression takes over, i just accept the fact now that i have not made a difference in this life, as i had hoped, and i am too tired and weak to do so now. Any day, any moment, i will be dead. No longer a burden on those around me.
2 0 1 5
i know it doesn't mean anything to anyone, but since just before the first of the year and each day since i have been battling my depression, but more intensely. i break down so easily, but mostly when i think of my SADDI. i should have treated her far better and spent much more time with her. i think of all the wasted time and pathetic humans i gave that time to ... and where are any of them today? i miss my SADDI so much. i see humans with their doggies and i am overwhelmed with jealousy. As my eyes begin to fill with tears, i can still see SADDI looking at me with so much love. i question today why i deserved such devotion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
