i came out to my family in 1997 and was embraced warmly with comments that they already knew, but were waiting for me to accept it. But in 1998, my then partner had a surprise birthday party for me and sent out invites that he had made by hand, which was really special since he suffered from OCD. The front of the card read 'It's My Baby's Birthday' with details to the party inside. Well, my family felt that was "inappropriate" and decided not to come to the party. That was 13 years ago and i have not spoken to my family since. Their belief was it is fine for me to be gay, just not happy. i have complete peace with this because they are wrong and cruel, but for this to happen on my birthday was devastating for a period of time.
And then last year, i lost the light that guided my heart, my SADDI. Words are difficult to express how empty my life is without her. i have been blessed with the love and support of Devon, but even he does not always know how to comfort me. i lost a couple of friends after SADDI died because they could not handle to see me so depressed.
Last year on my birthday, i only wanted one thing and that was to be with SADDI. Devon worked at the gallery that day, so SADDI and i had the entire day to ourselves. We played in the yard, took a walk and best of all had a wonderful nap cuddling together. It was great. I made spaghetti for dinner and watched with joy as SADDI cleaned her bowl completely. SADDI was starting to get sick and in the back of my mind i had a feeling it was likely the last birthday of mine we would share. SADDI died in my arms less than two months later.
Say and feel what you will, but please respect and understand my emotions are likely different than yours. i am barely surviving, struggling daily without my beautiful SADDI. i truly don't want to be here without her, but i also do not believe in suicide. Many have been so cruel to my emotions as to easily say that is hould go out and get another 'dog', clearly not knowing or respecting how much SADDI and i mean to one another. How much i need her. She is my child, would they tell a 'human' to go out and just get another child if theirs had just died?
i do not celebrate my birthday by choice, though i love to honor everyone else on their day of birth and times they have fulfilled another piece of the puzzle that builds to complete them. i will also celebrate Devon for all his amazing accomplishments. But what remains of my own life is meant to focus on celebrating and honoring SADDI, ensuring that her life is remembered by those who had the great pleasure to know her and to introduce her to those who can only know her by my own precious and cherished memories. The only way i wish to be remembered, here and when i am gone, is by being known as SADDI's best friend and she being the true love of my life.
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