e v e r y d a y
... the meaning of HAPPINESS ...
We miss and love you so very much SADDI.
... one year ago ...
This is the last picture taken of SADDI and me.
Look carefully and you will see SADDI's paw resting on my chest.
It was a year ago today, March 17, 2009, that i went into the hospital with what i thought was a serious case of the flu, but turned out to be a near fatal infection. The doctors told me that had i waited one more day to come into the hospital, i likely would not have survived.
For four days, i was too weak to keep my head up for more than 10 minutes at a time. i stayed in bed, unable to eat, freezing cold, despite several blankets Devon had covered me with and sweating from a 103 temperature. The effort it took just for me to move into the living room, drained me so much i had to lay back down where i slept for several more hours.
The entire time i stayed in bed, SADDI laid closely against me. Her back against mine, her nose touching mine, her paw resting on my hand. The only times SADDI left my side were to eat and when Devn took her out for a walk. When SADDI got up to eat, she would always return to the bedroom to check on me. I would hear her taking a few bites and then her nails clicking across the hardwood floors to return to the bedroom. My entire body covered with the thick layer of blankets, only my eyes and nose exposed. SADDI would put her nose against mine, give me a little kiss and then return for a couple more bites before coming back into the bedroom. When Devon would get her leash, SADDI would jump off the bed, but as Devon put her leash on, SADDI kept looking over at me. Devon tried to pull her, but SADDI wouldn't leave until i told her it was okay. As soon as they returned, SADDI came into the bedroom to check on me again, even before getting something to drink or eat. During those four days and nights, SADDI's love and devotion were so strong, but again, it always was, even when she got sick, she took care of me.
i stayed in the hospital for seven days. After being moved from the emergency room, my first room looked over at our house and i begged them to move me. There was no way i could be in that room, looking over at our house and knowing SADDI was there worried about me. Being so close to her and not being able to be with her was difficult enough. Devon visited me twice daily, during lunch and dinner, so i could share my meal with him. He would tell me that SADDI usually sat at the dining room door, looking out the window crying for me. i spent my seven days and nights in that hospital bed crying from the distance from SADDI.
The day i was released, i lied and said i had someone to take me home. They wouldn't allow me to leave unless they felt someone could take me across the street to my home. Devon was working at the gallery that day and i was not about to wait until he got home to be able to go home. i was extremely weak and felt like i was going to pass out as i crossed the busy street, but i knew SADDI was waiting for me and that gave me strength. As i opened the gate, i saw SADDI standing at the door. She began her happy dance as i opened the door. Instantly she began barking at me, with love, telling me how unhappy she was that i hadn't been home. I went to bed, SADDI tightly cuddled against me. When Devon returned home, SADDI didn't leave my side to greet him, she just looked up when Devon came into the bedroom.
This is the last picture taken of SADDI and me. After i returned from the hospital, SADDI's cancerous growth grew larger and i wouldn't allow any pictures to be taken of her. SADDI died on August 9, 2009, as i held her, kissing her ear and telling her how very much i love her. In her last moment of life, SADDI looked up at me, lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. Even at the end, SADDI took care of me.
i miss SADDI so very much. But the love we share lives on forever and every now and then i still feel SADDI near me. Doing what she can to still care for her rici.
... confusion ...
i don't have the answers, it is likely i even have more questions than most. i am just as lost, just as confused and so very lonely in my efforts to find what it is that will give me peace. possibly, there will never be that peace i seek, because when i seem close there always is another question needing to be answered. people believe they understand my journey, which is impossible since i struggle with it on my own. i cannot even begin to understand their own path, because it is not something we truly are sharing. each of us takes our own steps, goes our own direction and some of even fall. i will never understand those who so easily walk away when they are needed the most. those who can express love while abusing that trust. i will never understand the cruelty that some seem so easily able to give. i came across a picture of a time that i remembered smiling, but i see it today and i feel the darkness of what truly was. i remember dreaming and feeling the confidence to make a difference. but now i don't remember what that feeling felt like. all i feel today is a deep emptiness within my heart that could never be repaired, replaced or filled again. you don't understand, do you? i don't expect that you could or even should, because i can't. with envy i watch others, some deserving some not, enjoying the celebrations within their live and heart. comforted and supported and encouraged. i can only see this from a distance. i truly do not seek or desire anyone's attempts at comforting thoughts or actions. it wont change anything that was or will never be. i only hope others will see past the fog of my confusion and accept that every journey is different. each path has its own beginning, middle and of course, its own end.
... 7 months now ...
... awakenings ...
"awakening to the sun shining on my face, passing through the tree's and curtain. sunday, just another day on this journey through life. awakening and my very first thought is of the love that i miss so much. tears quietly falling down my face, no one hears them, no one see's them, some believing i shouldn't even have them anymore. awakening to the reality that people change, that even the best of friends are not always going to be the friends i need. releasing too much from this life. awakening to the soft warm blanket my husband covered me with after i fell asleep on the sofa again. not ready to get up, but needing that fresh cup of hot coffee to give a boost to my sunday morning. awakening to the reminders of what still needs to be done, but knowing on this day it will be set aside until tomorrow. somedays there just needs to be that escape from too many realities and embrace ones selfish sinful pleasures and unhealthy desires. awakening, remembering, struggling, smiling, crying, feeling and just trying to be what is left inside of me. i'll listen to the birds singing as they munch on the seeds i left out for them. i'll watch the bright colorful flowers and thick green grass grow. i'll acknowledge that life moves on, though i wont fully accept it. for no matter the amount of time that passes, and already it has been too much, awakening to each new day without the love, laughter, friendship and beauty, will never fully be a true life again. awakening and trying each day to remember what it feels like to live again."
ric berrong
~S~A~D~D~I~
these pictures she really wasn't into it as we sat on the front porch
and there were so many other people passing by getting her attention.
One of my favorite days ever because of all the beautiful pictures we took of SADDI and with SADDI. Today, i rarely even use my camera anymore. The last time i did, it was so dusty.We wanted to take some 'family' pictures, so SADDI unhappily received a bath and then we sat out on the back porch to capture the evening sun. SADDI, happily, sat on my lap as Devon took several pictures and later sat next to us for several complete family photographs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
