S A D D I
As my delivery day was coming to an end, on nice days i would often stop by the house and pick up SADDI and we would walk the 3 miles trip back home. But because of my fear of heights, we had to take the long route.
SADDI loved the long walk, except crossing the Hawthrone bridge over the Willamette. i was okay because it was low enough, but SADDI hated it as the bridge would shake and shake more if a bus passed by. SADDI was basically crawling on her belly as we crossed the bridge, she'd get nervous if someone walked or rode their bike past us. But once we were across the bridge, she was wildly happy and ready to chase the geese on the other side.
G O A L S
As the situation within my life become more and more scary, financially, physically and emotionally, all i am able to do now is attempt to combat them with something i should have done years ago. No telling where i would be today had i learned this lesson way back when.
Diet and exercise and meditation.
To save electricity and cut our electric bill, i only have the TV on a couple hours a day. Before, i would leave the TV on even when i slept, it actually helped me to sleep. i would rather loose sleep than not be able to pay the electric bill.
But with the TV off, i am focusing on an all day exercise program. For the first time in my life, i'm really pushing myself. Instead of stopping when i felt tired or some strain, i push myself even more. Of course, since i am limited in what i can do being in a chair, i try to push in area's i am able to focus on.
In the past, i would always quit when i didn't see instant results. But the slow healing process of my wounds has forced me to find patience. Something i am not very good at.
My history has always found me going to food when i needed comfort from reality. Today i pick up my weights or do my side twist and leg lifts.
With a third mouth to feed in our house now and just my limited workers insurance (which could be gone before i am able to go back to work), my diet is extreme also. A package of 6 peanut butter crackers, a boiled egg and an apple per day. Lots of water ... coffee too. If my blood sugar gets low, as often it does now, i take a spoon full of peanut butter or 3 M&M's, instead of the entire package.
As a diabetic, they do a 3 month look at my blood sugars ... A1C. When i didn't care about my blood sugars, i ranged around 11 or 12. Infection in my foot didn't help much, but neither did my unhealthy diet. A month ago, with my most recent infection included in the number, i was at 7.3. With my morning blood sugar numbers being as low as they have been, i look forward to see my A1C number being below or around 5 in October. (A person without diabetes has numbers around 5 ... a person with diabetes, with a proper diet, is normally around 6.5 - 7)
Keeping my blood sugar level is helpful to my healing as well. The wound vac i wore for over a month helped the healing so much, but now it is all up to me and the care of my nurse who visits 3 times a week. i just have to make sure i don't fall, which i normally do when i attempt to use my walker. My nurse insist that i no longer fall, she has to do a report on my each time i do.
My goal, since a year ago when i had the amputation and everyday since i have been trapped at home, is to be able to walk again. And work. Oh how i want to work again. And how i need to work again too. i want to feel useful again. Sure i do all the cooking, cleaning and send out positive energy for others, but i want that feeling again of earning and deserving a salary. i'm so tired and depressed feeling useless. Of watching people walk past the house and seeing people posting living their lives online. i can't even get onto my front porch without the fear of falling.
Today, as i thrive as best as i can, i can only hope that i have enough time remaining in my life to live my life as best i can. i owe it to SADDI. i owe it to Devon. i owe it to myself.
Time Is Running Out
i have some thoughts i have been wanting to express and i figured i better get them written down before there isn't time remaining.
At 54, i never realized my life would be as it has been ... as it is today. Since being home bound for over a year, much of that time alone, i have had a lot of time for thoughts to slip into my mind. To avoid many of my thoughts, i would leave the TV on, even if i wasn't watching it. Even while i was sleeping, i would leave the TV on so my dreams didn't get affected by my reality. But alas, there are just some things i cannot ignore or allow to go without expressing.
i never knew either of my grandfathers, they both had died before i was born. My father's dad, i know nothing about ... pretty much like my dad. My mom's father, Ike, was a butcher at Piggly Wiggly, he went into work one Sunday morning and never returned. No one will ever know what truly happened, but it is thought that he slipped on some blood from the meat he was cutting and was decapitated by the saw. He left behind a wife, two teenage daughters and a infant son.
His mother, my great grandma Edna, had several kids and lived to be 103 and 45 minutes. She lived alone until her late 90's and made the most amazing apple pies, which she never gave the recipe to anyone. We lived close to her. i really regret not visiting her more. In her later years, when she was moved into a retirement home, she became confused. When we did visit her, she always called me Ike, thinking i was her late son. In the very few pictures i saw of him, i did resemble him.
My dad's mother i didn't know until my teen years when my father decided to re-enter my life. She was a school teacher and tutored me a few times in my early teen years. We were never close. Because my dad was such a failure as a father, she raised all his kids. Years later i found out she had died by reading her obituary in the newspaper.
My mom's mother, grandma Alpha was taken from me when i was 6 from the evils of cancer. My memories of her are faded, but the love i felt for her lives strongly within me. i was her only grandson and she spoiled me. i have a memory of her when she was in the hospital and she rubbed an anti-itch cream on my nose, saying would never itch again. Though i never got to know her, i miss her. i remember that November night, playing with my matchbox cars on the floor when the phone rang. My mom answered and quickly began crying. i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, instead i was left with my cousins Corrina and Mindy, we played in the camper at my aunt Betty and uncle Bill's house, it was a bitterly cold wet day.
My dad, Noel, left my life as quickly as he entered it. i was the product of causal sex and my mom and dad only married because she was pregnant with me. They divorced when i was around one. My first real memory of him i was around 6 or 7, i was walking to school and this car pulled up along side of me and he said he was my dad. Years later, i was an early teen, he had stopped drinking and started dating my mom again. We went fishing once and he got my mom a dog, Frauline. But again, as quickly as he came into my life again, he was gone. i also learned of his passing by reading his obituary in the newspaper, i wasn't even listed as one of his children.
My mom, Jan, i truly regret being as close to her as i was and for so long. There was always this guilt trip with her ... she was alone, she was the black sheep of the family ... but she never tried and was not a role model for me to look up to. But i didn't see that until many years later. After she and my dad divorced, she didn't waste anytime remarrying a man named Wayne. He had 4 kids, who always spent the summer with us. That was the only time we did anything was when his kids came for a visit. When we moved into my grandmothers house in 1971, Wayne's son, Chuck, also came to live with us. Chuck was an ass. Always beating me up, sexually abused me and i remember i had some friends staying the night for my birthday, Chuck left with them all and told me to stay home. In 1972, my mom and Wayne decided to break up. She had left for work, while Wayne and Chuck loaded his car and trailer with as much stuff as they could. By the time she returned home, they were gone and we had to rebuild our life again. In the early 1970's,women weren't allowed lines of credit or have their own name on a car leash without their husbands signature. Since Wayne's name was on the car and he didn't make payments, the car was repossessed.
In the months that followed, my mom made one request of Wayne, that he return the pictures and negatives and home movies he took that we mostly of my grandma. After numerous request through lawyers, we received an envelope in the mail. When we opened it and pour it onto the table, Wayne as cut up all the pictures, negatives and movies. They were lost forever. i vowed at that moment, even though i was only 11 or 12, i would hate him forever.
Without going into boring details, i lived my life being the adult, while my mom was the child. She didn't know how to cook, so i taught myself. i took care of the house, in later years painting it, inside and out, caring for the yard and doing what i could with little money i had, which allowed us to sell it in 1996 for more than we would have gotten for it if i hadn't taken care of it. As we signed the paperwork to sell the house, i wasn't going to receive any money from the sell, my mom was going to get it all. i didn't want to sell it in the first place, but did so because she didn't want it, it was always her dream to live in a manufactured home. After some talk and her getting upset, which she did a lot in life, i was given $9,000 to begin my life again.
When she moved into to her manufactured home and i loved into a very small unit in the lower part of a house (mother-in-law apartment), my mom complained all the time how lonely she was. Even though the manufactured park had many other tenants and a community center that always had postings of events happening. i was trying to begin a new life, my first real relationship, but still felt i had to comfort her.
In the first few days of 2000, i called her to tell her about my new job. But a man answered. For two days this kept happening until finally i reached her. i asked if she had a repairman in the house, she answered, "no, it's Wayne". Like i am suppose to know who that was. And it turned out to be the man who betrayed us years earlier, she was getting back together with him. i told her i had items stored in her home i wanted returned and then i never wanted to speak to her again. She called me for a few days, but i never answered. Finally one day she showed up at my apartment, with a small box of personal paperwork of mine and on top of that, a wooden car i had made as a child, with Wayne. All the other stuff i had stored at her house she gave away to Goodwill. She moved to Yakima Washington with Wayne, sending me birthday and Christmas cards. One year she sent me a picture of her and Wayne, i cut it up and returned it to her with a note that she was never to contact me again. She tired to reach me again, but i refused to accept it or acknowledge it. She no longer knows where i live. i don't know if she is alive or dead ... and i don't care.
My cousins, especially Mindy, and i were very close. The year after her dad, uncle Bill, died she got married and asked me to fill in as father of the bride. (i looked good in a tux) Her mom, aunt Betty, a very opinionated lady who talked and barely took time to breathe or let anyone else speak, decided on my birthday in 1998, that the invitation my then partner sent out was "inappropriate", so my aunt didn't come to my birthday. Mindy and her husband Jeff did, but when i thanked them for coming and not feeling it was inappropriate, Mindy got upset, yelled at me and left the party. A few days later, i sent Mindy and aunt Betty a short letter trying to express my hurt, but we haven't talked ever since. i was never really close to Corrina, she was always very moody. But when i had told all of them that i was gay, a year or so earlier, they all were fine with it and each of them even sad they kind of knew and were just waiting for me to accept it. It was fine for me to be gay, just not happy i guess.
My partner of 4 years, Jaye Sablan, was someone i met through a classified ad. We talked on the one a couple of times, i went to his work and he came over for dinner that night and moved in with me. At the time he was living with someone who was using him to make his old boyfriend jealous. At first things between Jaye and i were good. i had finally found peace with who i am and love to go with it. But then Jaye's mental illness started to show itself. He suffered from OCD, sometimes so bad he couldn't leave the house. Jaye was also very physically and emotionally abusive towards me. i slapped him 3 times in our relationship, once he had passed out, when he went on a rant about his drunken mom who he had just talk to on the phone and when he went on a rant of lies about me. But Jaye cracked one of my ribs, broke my nose and beat me with my camera tripod (cutting my arms and head). Jaye cheated on me several times, but i always felt my love for him was strong enough to make our relationship work. Even though we broke up a year and a half after we began our relationship, he still lived with me, we were still sexual and i paid all the bills. He always said he just needed time and then we'd get back together. i foolishly believed it. Easter weekend, 2001, he was heading out of town with someone he was dating, but he came over to my apartment instead. He said that the guy broke up with him because he couldn't handle that Jaye was still in love with me. That night he fell asleep in my arms and we had an amazing Saturday together. But on Sunday he said he was going to see if that guy would take him back. i lost it. My heart couldn't take it anymore. i just wanted to die. i held a knife to my wrist and he ran out of the house. i sat outside, holding onto SADDI, crying and he had called the police. i was taken to the hospital for observation, where i lied and said i was fine. They released me and brought me home. Jaye was across the street waiting for the bus. i walked over to him and apologized, kissed him and said we can make it together. A few days later he was living with me again. On Halloween of that year, i found out he was seeing someone again after he left his e-mail open. i knew i couldn't do it to myself again. i walked into the bedroom where he was doing his homework for school and told him he had to leave and never come back. He gathered somethings and left. He came back a few days later and said he wanted to come back, even though i thought i loved him, i told him no. The day before Thanksgiving, he came over while i was at work and got the rest of his things. The few times i saw him in the city, he tried to avoid me. He started telling lies about me, saying i had beat him. i lost friendships because of it. Jaye was very good at playing the victim. Years later, after Devon and i moved to Seattle, i saw Jaye and learned he had moved to Seattle also. And he started telling his lies here as well. And the friends he had made, who then knew me, started spreading the lies.
In 2005, i started an online conversation with Devon when he lived in China. i first saw his picture on a dating site. i sent him a message saying he was very beautiful. He ignored it. A month or so later, i saw another picture of him and sent him the same message. He remembered me and decided to look at my profile where i mostly talked about SADDI and my desire for life. We talked via e-mail, letters and expensive phone calls before deciding we were both seeking the same thing. Despite our distance we decided to try a relationship. Never did i guess he would be able to come to America, but on his third try, he got a visa and on December 28, 2006, around 7:30am, he arrived at the Portland airport and we began our life together. It hasn't always been love and happiness, i still think he could do better than me.
Scruffy
S A D D I
If i asked SADDI if i could sit with her on the love seat,
she'd stretch out so her body taking up even more room.
So i'd lift her butt and sit next to her ...
SADDI would let out a heavy sigh.
i made up for it by rubbing her belly.
S A D D I
This is the glare that i always received after giving SADDI a bath ... this one was a bit more intense, and lasted a lot longer, after i had taken her out in the river and had her sit in the water. It was a really hot day, even along the Oregon coast, but it didn't matter, SADDI did not like getting wet. Even if i playfully sprayed her with a mist of water, she would get up and walk away from me. She got the lab loyalty, but not the lab love of water.
7 years later
7 years ago today, my heart shattered into a billion pieces. 7 years ago, as she took her last breathe of life, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. Even in her last moments of life, SADDI was taking care of me.
My heart has never recovered, nor will it ever. Times and life goes on, but i am forever devoted to this amazing spirit that entered my life on May 10, 1996. Not by my choice, SADDI picked me. Though i live in many regrets from my own life, i never regret the day SADDI sat on my foot and looked up at me. i picked her up, she put her head against my neck and so we began a 13.5 year journey.
SADDI battled cancer for 8 months. She was always brave and never lost her chow stubbornness or her lab loyalty. SADDI loved Devon and i so much and that love was always returned.
On this day, 7 years later, the feelings and emotions are just as strong. An hour never passes that a beautiful memory of SADDI flashes within my mind. A day never goes by that i don't cry, missing my best friend. But those tears fall pass a smile, because my memories of our life together are so cherished.
If there is an after life, i hope to be greeted by SADDI with her barking at me, as she did every time i came home. Or even after i just came back in from getting the mail. It always felt like her way of telling me she didn't like even a moment without me. And as SADDI barked at me, i would playfully chase her through the house. She would always run to the bed, where i would toss the blankets over her as she struggled to get them off. And when she finally did, there was that beautiful smile. A smile i think about a lot, as i have lost my own.
i feel so guilty that because of my own health issues, i am unable to leave the house to honor SADDI by finding homeless doggies on the street with their humans. Offering them treats and water. i do so not for glory or personal attention, but to see the smile on the doggies face, knowing they are loved and cared for. My life never had any meaning or purpose until SADDI picked me. Now, my purpose and meaning is to honor SADDI by helping other doggies. SAISAR unlimited foundation is my way of letting the world know SADDI and how she taught me to be a better human.
i love SADDI so much. Even after 7 years, it has never faded. Even after 7 years, i miss her even more today.
August 9, 2016
Squirrel Friend
Devon took pictures from under my chair
while i was feeding my special SquirrelFriend.
This furry friend always comes looking for me,
will sit on my foot and eat the treats and yesterday,
with the front door open, he stood just inside the house waiting for me.
Since it takes me time to get to the front door,
Devon went over and handed our little friend some treats.
Red Skelton
i don't hold a lot of precious memories from my too many years living in Portland ... of course, sharing a life with SADDI ... meeting Devon Yan face-to-face for the first time at the airport ... and seeing the great Red Skelton live. Actually meeting him as he strolled the streets of Portland and was knighted by the Rose Festival queen in the rose garden. i grew up with this very special and talented man. i learned from him that you don't need foul language to be funny. Whenever i think of him, i remember my grandma, who i only had for 6 years of my life, but we use to watch the Red Skelton show together and laughed. Getting the chance to meet and see my hero perform is truly a very cherished memory.
S A D D I
Just days away before SADDI died (8/9/09) from the evils of cancer, she was weak but still enjoyed her walks and playing with Devon and i. SADDI and i took an evening walk, she was slower, but still snooping and enjoying our time together. But on our way back home, she was tired and just laid down in the grass. i told her i understood, so i picked her up in my arms and started to carry her home. But that chow stubbornness was still thriving and she started to get restless and almost demanding i put her down. Which i gently did and we finished our walk home. She still had that precious hop to her walk. Once we were home, she got a drink and laid down in the front room so she could watch Devon Yan and i.
and i.
W Y L A N D
Years ago, while living in Portland, on the back of the old Fox theatre building, the great artist Wyland created one of his murals. At the bottom of this picture you can see him. Sadly, that classic theatre has been demolished for a boring high rise and that mural is but a memory that i am so thankful i was able to capture. Since moving to Seattle i have found several murals by Wyland.
S A D D I
Whenever SADDI got upset or irritated,
she would start sneezing.
Like when Devon chased her around the house or yard.
Or when we played the paw game,
where i would grab her front paws,
one by one very quickly,
and then surprise her by grabbing her back leg.
SADDI let out some big sneezes ...
but was always ready for more playtime.
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