And so it begins ... ... ...
Some Thoughts
Devon has been in China during the last part of 2015. i've been trying to get my leg back since the amputation in late July. After we thought the wound had healed, the leg was returned to me twice. But each time the wound opened up again. Since August, i have been a shut in. Leaving the house scares me, it's a struggle. Except for our neighbor Anne, i really don't have any friends i can count on. My days have been lost and wasted.
My health issues have been a heavy weight on my relationship with Devon ... and it has been unfair to him. My questioning of our relationship has been harmful to my recovery and unfair to Devon. As i witness my decline in health, my confidence has also lowered. That has got to change.
Because so many of the pictures on this blog were deleted, i've had to go through and re-read many of the things i have posted since starting this. The tears fell remembering SADDI. My heart ached thinking about how i've given up on life and myself.
Serious positive changes MUST take place within my life and myself.
i love Devon.
i miss SADDI.
i want to live.
i want to have purpose.
My health issues have been a heavy weight on my relationship with Devon ... and it has been unfair to him. My questioning of our relationship has been harmful to my recovery and unfair to Devon. As i witness my decline in health, my confidence has also lowered. That has got to change.
Because so many of the pictures on this blog were deleted, i've had to go through and re-read many of the things i have posted since starting this. The tears fell remembering SADDI. My heart ached thinking about how i've given up on life and myself.
Serious positive changes MUST take place within my life and myself.
i love Devon.
i miss SADDI.
i want to live.
i want to have purpose.
12 - 24 - 15
merry christmas from Seattle ... my loves are in heaven and China this year, so i will open the gifts of memories that i will cherish and celebrate always. My life might be empty this year, but my heart is overflowing.
Be kind and generous, not with material items, but with what truly has lasting meaning. Give what can be unwrapped anytime everyday and still have the same feeling as it did the first time you received it. A winter day is warmed knowing you have this to embrace you. Don't just be a friend, be a true friend. Others may re-gift you, but there will always be those who will never be the same without you.
SAISAR unlimited
'if'
i've had a few outings; doctors appointments, grocery shopping with Devon and that brief time i had my leg and i went to Devon's fashion show. Otherwise, i have missed the summer, fall and going into the winter of 2015.
i have watched my depression going out of control. Bombarded with tears daily. Watching through social media, Devon's adventures and found sitting at the front door, life passing by.
The realization of how truly alone i am in this life is overwhelming. My trust issues were severely shattered by my families betrayal, an abusive relationship and believing i had friends i could count upon. i know i have also betrayed myself by years of foolishly ignoring my health, physically and emotionally.
i use to view life as 'when' ... but over these past several months, as hope has faded, i can only say 'if'.
So 'if' i am allowed to have my leg back tomorrow, i owe nothing to anyone except myself. After decades of giving and sharing to others, i have forgotten the meaning of giving to myself. Something i need to learn to do. But in reality, i know my health will not allow me the time needed to find the courage, confidence and peace i will need to advance into my next journey. That is a harsh reality to accept.
Long ago, i fully accepted that i have no desire to be remembered. My greatest strength is boosting and praising others, while seeking no attention for myself. i'm content watching Devon (DEVONATION) thrive with his talents, while i do whatever i can, behind the scenes, to ensure he is noticed and appreciated. My greatest accomplishment in my life on this planet will be ensuring that SADDI is remembered and that her name is a source of happiness for others as she is to me.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation, which provides treats, food, blankets and needed supplies to doggies living on the street with their humans is all done in SADDI's name. Sending out postcards with positive messages is done to inspire, as i have been inspired by SADDI. i have never asked for donations, because this is my duty in life, to honor SADDI. i've always wanted to do more, but a very tight budget and health issues have limited me.
Honesty, i have no idea how much time i have remaining on this earth, i know it wont be very long, so 'if' i am allowed to have my leg back, there is so much to do. And possibly my message of giving and sharing, and doing so without needing to be acknowledged, will be heard and inspire others.
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