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My Dearest SADDI ... ... ...

I miss you so very much. 20 days have now passed since you were taken from me and the pain is still as fresh as those first moments when you left this world, while still in my arms. Where are you baby girl? Are you healthy? Are you happy? Do you miss me as much as I am missing you?

I miss you cuddling with me. I slept so peacefully with your body tightly against mine. I miss seeing your smiling face when you were heading out for a walk. I miss your wet nose sneaking up to give me a kiss. I miss your curly tail. I miss the sound of your long nails walking across the hardwood floors. I miss you SADDI. Everything about you, that is you, that is shared with me.

I love you SADDI. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you hear me every time I tell you how very much I love you. One day baby, one day soon we will be together again. Please don't forget me, because you are my heart, so I always have you near me, but still I want to actually be with you.

I love you my precious goofy girl.

missing you SADDI

A week has now passed since SADDI was taken from us and to be honest, I truly have not accepted it. I still wait to hear her jumping off the bed and her nails clicking across the floor as she goes outside. Seeing only her curled tail passing by the window. Getting something to eat or drink before coming in to receive some attention from me. I miss laying down on the bed and SADDI getting up to lay against me. I miss chasing SADDI through the house or watching her and Devon playing. I miss SADDI eating her dinner and then walking over to me and burping, as if to say it was yummy. I miss seeing SADDI standing at the dining room door watching us leaving her and soon hearing her barking because she didn't like being left alone. I always felt guilty not being able to take her everytime and everywhere. I miss being greeted when I would return home and now without SADDI here, I don't rush to return home. I miss SADDI's attitude and dirty looks if I made too much noise while she was sleeping. Or at night when she would stand near me with the look on her face questioning when I was coming to bed to cuddle with her. I miss every moment and every second of being with SADDI and knowing she was nearby. I miss SADDI so very much.

SADDI, I miss you so very much

Because Devon has never known the pain of the death of someone close to him, I have been forced to be strong for him to go through his emotions, while holding my own need to grieve back. I need to feel my overwhelming pain in not having the love of my life in my life anymore.

SADDI is the best thing that has ever happen to me. SADDI is the best part of me. If it wasn't for SADDI, I would have ended my life a long time ago. SADDI loved and protected me through my entire families betrayal of me when I finally accepted the truth of being gay. SADDI loved and protected me when my cruel former partner, Jaye, physically and emotionally abused me. SADDI was confused when Jaye went into his rages, but when it was all over, she always found me and stayed close to me. And when Jaye was exited from our life and began his lies, stealing people from my own life, SADDI never left my side, because she loves me and also knows the truth. SADDI laid by me when I was sick. When life had tried to drain me, I was always given a surge of energy by just knowing SADDI would be home when I returned. Her barking at me as I entered the door, her own way of saying how upset she was that I left her but with that tail waging at great speed, SADDI was also telling me how happy she was we were together again. True faithful love entered our world when Devon arrived, SADDI knew that Devon was special and it was love at first sight for both of them. However, SADDI always had to remind Devon that she comes first. When Devon and I hugged or cuddled, SADDI was right there to push between us. Even if it meant pulling Devon away from me with her paws and when there was a slight opening between Devon and I, SADDI would jump into it so she was part of the cuddle. And when SADDI became sick, she used her limited energy to comfort me. Her pace had slowed, but she always wanted our nightly walks where we would find a quiet spot to sit on the grass under the stars and I would tell her about all our special memories. I even talked to her about the new memories we would make when she was better. But those were just wishful thoughts, because she never got better. Even as I held her in my arms as she was dying, SADDI used her limited energy and lifted her paw to place it on my hand before she passed away.

I have so many emotions that need to be felt, but what is most true is when I think of SADDI, I always smile through my tears. The bond between SADDI and I is an envy from many who seek a friendship and love that is as beautiful and true as ours. My life today will never be the same and I will always feel a deep emptiness, but at the same time, SADDI is still comforting me with all the love we shared and the many memories we gathered together. I will cry and I will hurt so much, but I will also be so proud as to say that I know who my soulmate is and it is a beautiful little girl named Saisar SADDI Berrong.

Saisar SADDI Berrong

February 28, 1996

August 9, 2009

So blessed is my life and heart from knowing, loving, celebrating and living for you. My life is forever empty now that you are gone. Thank you baby girl for 13 years of protecting and comforting me from the cruel evils of this world. For loving me so very much. You always knew when and how to make me smile. Saddi, I love and need you so much. I do not know how to survive in a world without you, or even if I want to try. You truly are the love of my life and I will ensure your memory and everything you are is shared with the world and maybe people will see what it means to be a human from a doggie who knew better than anyone.

SADDI news

Tuesday night, when I laid on the bed, Saddi was soundly sleeping and didn't move to cuddle with me right away. So I just held her soft curly tail and worried about the doctors appointment she would have the following day. My thoughts went negative as to if this was the last night I would sleep cuddled with my baby girl. I cried silently so as not to bother Devon in the next room. But Saddi awoke and looked at me, slowly getting up she laid down closely against me, where she didn't move all night.

Since the pills weren't working to reduce the growth, and Saddi has basically stopped eating, Devon and I borrowed our dear friend Helen's car and took Saddi back to the doctor. We were being scheduled to see another vet, but they decided it would be best if we just returned to where Saddi was seen before. It was not an appointment I wanted to go to, but for Saddi's sake I had no other choice. We detoured on our way there to drive through Sauives Island where Saddi always gets excited to see the horsey's. But while driving over there, Saddi laid down and didn't get up. When we reached the farms, both devon and I called out "HORSEY" which always perked Saddi up and she would bark endlessly at them. But today she just laid in the backseat, no energy to get up. So I got out of the car and opened the backdoor so she could look out and see the three beautiful horses eating nearby. Saddi just looked at them with no reaction, so I knew I could no longer delay this trip to the doctor.

When we arrived, I left Saddi and Devon in the car to ensure no one was in the waiting room, to respect Saddi's condition as I want as few people to see her like this as possible. I explained to the front desk that I am extremely fragile in my emotions and thanked them for the last time we were there and how everyone was so kind. We brought Saddi inside and weighed her. Devon and I already knew it, just by seeing and feeling her, but Saddi has lost 5 pounds since her last visit a month ago. We then sat in the doctors office for quite awhile until the door finally opened. The first thing he said was "WoW, that is ugly". I felt as though we were back at Dove Lewis where we were so belittled and treated so poorly. This was a different doctor than who we saw the last time and completely different approaches to speaking to us. This doctor made us feel horrible for waiting to bring Saddi back, even though the first doctor told us to wait a month or more to see if the pills would work on the growth. But clearly that first doctor, who we thought was so kind, had given us false hope about what the pills could do. The doctor we saw today said there was no chance a growth this size would shrink with just pills and we now only had two options; put Saddi to sleep or try surgery. At Saddi's age (13) and as weak as she is, surgery could be very tough for her to recover, but he also felt her would be able to get all of the cancer and Saddi would loose a few teeth. The cancer could always come back later too. Surgery around the mouth is very difficult since there is no extra skin to work with, but he felt confident he would get it all. My head lower in the shame he made me feel in not bring Saddi in sooner, I asked him what he would do. Would surgery be good for Saddi or do we have no other choice than to put her to sleep? As I said that I saw my tears falling onto Saddi's leg. The doctor said he felt the best option would be the surgery. Devon, knowing I was not in any condition to speak, really showed how strong he has become and began asking all the right questions. How much? How long of a recovery? The chances the cancer could come back? I listened with great pride, but never took my eyes off of Saddi. The doctor left the room to add up the cost of the surgery and I reached out for Devon's hand and I played with Saddi's fur with my other hand. Devon said he would just use the money from his recently sold paintings to pay for the surgery. There was no questioning about it, he said that is what he would do. I couldn't say anything, since there is basically nothing I can do or say without having any resources for income.

After receiving the quote for the surgery, we were told there would be no charge for the visit we just had. So we walked Saddi back out to the car, but she seemed to have trouble getting inside. Her energy level is so low, I had to lift her inside. We then drove over to Healthy Pets, that our friend Shelley told us about. Shelley said there is a woman who works there and knows everything about herbs and special foods for dogs. Well, Shelley was right. We met Julie, at Healthy Pets, and explained our situation to her and she began sharing information left and right. She suggested so many things and gave us free samples to try. She told us to stay away from carbs as cancer clings to them. Well, one of Saddi's favorite treats is rice, but if cancer is going to cling to that, no more rice for Saddi. Julie also suggested we buy Saddi some baby food since it is soft to eat and mix it with some of the samples she gave us to build back Saddi's energy. She really seemed to care and wanted us to check back in with her after Saddi's surgery.

Today, we also heard from Marty Davis, publisher/owner of Portland's GLBTQ newspaper. Marty offered to call the vet and give them free advertising in Just Out in exchange for part of our bill. When I read Marty's offer, my eyes filled with tears, I was just so overwhelmed by her kindness in doing this for us.

Devon and I brought Saddi home before leaving once again to do a bit of grocery shopping. Saddi just sniffed the chicken in her bowl and then drank a bunch of water. I heard the clicking of her long toes nails going into the bedroom and then it sounded as though she was going in circles, so I went in to check on her. Saddi wasn't able to get up onto the bed. I encouraged her, but she was only able to get her front paws onto the bed. So I kissed her head as I gently lifted her back legs onto the bed. It was a tough day on her, so she quickly drifted off to sleep, that is until she heard Devon and i getting ready to leave again. She jumped off the bed and seemed ready to go with us, but I really wanted her to just rest and said we'd be back later. She walked over to the dining room door, with the window in it, and watched us leave. As we always do, we turned back and waved. Later when we returned home, Saddi didn't seem to care much. She had made it back onto the bed herself and she was comfortable.

Saddi goes into surgery next Tuesday morning and will be able to return home that night. Devon and I will stay with her all day on Wednesday, but on Thursday Devon works at the gallery and leaves that night for a conference in Seattle until Sunday. I wont leave Saddi that entire time. Her recovery will be slow, but I just look forward to cuddling with her. If she has the energy, playing in the backyard and of course, our nightly walks.

Speaking of our nightly walks, last night I knew Saddi was tired and weak, but also knew she would want her walk. As soon as I walked into the bedroom and turned on the light, she was standing up. So we headed out, but just for a short walk since it was chilly outside. As we turned to come back home, Saddi stopped on the grass and stood there. At first I thought she was questioning going to the bathroom or not, but then she laid down. I knew she was too weak to go on, so I bent down and picked her up and carried her across the street. But she started fighting to be let down. We walked a bit more and she stopped again, looking up at me, so I picked her up again and she rested her head on my shoulder. Once we reached he driveway, I asked if she wanted to walk down the hill, which is easier on both of us, sure enough we both made it down the slight hill and into the house. But I knew she had to have something to eat, so I began preparing the baby food when I noticed someone coming up to our front door at 9:30pm. It was our friend Anita with an arm load of bags from Safeway and she said there was more in the car. I finally had to get Devon's help. While they unloaded, I went to see if Saddi would eat the baby food, well, she nearly ate the spoon I was feeding her it to her with. Back to Anita, she read about our situation and wanted to help. But, she went way beyond helping. We had just bought some food today, but Anita overwhlemed our fridge, freezer and shelves. She didn't stay long but before going handing Devon a check for his art supply needs and one to me that more than covered Saddi's surgery. We tired to tell her no, but she refused to listen. We thanked and hugged her and she went home. Devon and I stood in the kitchen speechless. While I put away the food, I asked Devon if he would see if Saddi would eat more baby food and of course she did. Anita brought overy some Paul Newman dog food we will offer Saddi tomorrow and I will stop at the store on Friday to get more baby food. Right now, I am just overwhlemed with several emotions.

Speaking of which, it is almost that time, so I better get ready before Saddi reminds me. Thank you for listening and all your positive thoughts and energy for our precious daughter, Saddi. If you know of anyone to pass along the link for the fund raiser we are having to pay for Saddi's surgery and recovery, it would be greatly appreicated if you would forward it along. THANK YOU!!!

Rici

SADDI update

It breaks my heart to write about this, but I know there are caring people who are concerned about our SADDI. SADDI has basically stopped eating, though she drinks a lot of water. Since she wont eat, I had to dissolve her nasty pills into her water, so then she stopped drinking. So we have stopped giving her the pills so she will at least drink. SADDI's energy is slow, but she remains active, always ready for a walk. Every night I take SADDI across the street to sit on the grass at the local school. Sitting under the stars in the cool night air is very relaxing for us. SADDI always lays closely to me as I talk to her about all the memories we have shared in our 13 years together. But I remind her that we still have a chance for many more memories, but that I need her to eat. Normally I sleep on the living room floor to allow SADDI and Devon more comfort in sleeping in the bed. But last night I needed to cuddle with SADDI. When I got into bed, she was against Devon, but once I laid down, I felt SADDI getting up and firmly placing her back against mine. Her breathing was struggled, but once I placed my hand on her, she relaxed and soon was snoring. I couldn't sleep, so I just enjoyed listening to her.

The other day, when it was so uncomfortably hot, my own health was fading and I just needed to lay down. Too hot to cuddle, SADDI still moved close to me and placed her paw on my arm as I fell asleep. When I awoke several hours later, SADDI was still holding my arm.

On a very troubling topic, SADDI's growth projects a slight smell, it isn't nearly as bad as when it was infected though. We wash her every other day and wash her bedding daily. Recently our horrible landlord arrived at 5:45am to resurface the back porch and called the following day to say he was concerned by the smell, that the house smelled like a zoo (he never set foot inside the house). I lost it and let this heartless bastard know that SADDI is dying and we are doing everything we can possibly do for her comfort and that the house does not smell like anything other than we have a dog. Any dog companion will admit their house smells differently than a non-doggie house, but it isn't a bad thing. Our landlord suggested that maybe SADDI is in agony and should be ... before he could say "put to sleep", I cut him off and questioned who the hell he was to say such things. Reminding him of how pathetic he is as a landlord with broken promises, disrespecting our rights as renters and lying about issues that don't even exist. If we could afford to move, I would have left after that phone call.

I am still hopeful for a miracle because I know SADDI isn't ready to go yet. And I sure as hell am not ready to let her go. SADDI still has so much life and love inside of her that needs to be shared. But I wont forced her to stay if she feels it is time. Thinking of a life without SADDI is impossible for me. And I am so troubled by cruel people who say I could find another dog to give my love to, because SADDI is not just another dog, she is my family. She is my daughter. SADDI has taught me the meaning of loving, being kind and enjoying the simple things from life. We're just hoping for a miracle now to save and protect this precious angel who has done nothing to deserve any of this happening to her.

Rici