February 28, 2012 is the 16th anniversary of birth of
Saisar SADDI Berrong
i miss my sweet baby girl so much
For about a year, we talked about and planned our future, finding it surprisingly wonderful that we agreed on so many aspects, something neither of us had found in past relationships. But our distance was something we knew had to change.
Devon grew up being discouraged about his passion of being an artist/fashion designer. His father, a well known and respected classical Chinese opera singer, knew the struggles of the arts and wanted more for his only son. When Devon was a teen ager, his parents took all his artwork and supplies and put them in the trash, telling him that he needed to focus on business. Not wanting to disrespect his parents, Devon focused business school for several years, hiding from himself the true passions within him. But one day, he started doodling and it ignited the fire within him once again. He kept his art a secret from his parents while finishing business school, but he knew where his heart was meant to be. So when Devon and i started 'dating' online, he knew he had to come to America, to begin our life together and so he would be free to express his artistic gifts.
While still in China, during our courtship, Devon surprised me one day by changing his Chinese name from Yao Ya Yan, to an American name, Devon Yan-Berrong. Never knowing the fulfilling confidence in a relationship before, Devon gave me that gift, even before we had even met face-to-face. i had sent pictures of SADDI, my four legged best friend, and Devon would take pictures of himself with pictures of SADDI to send to me. Devon's love for SADDI, even before meeting her, was just as beautiful of my own.
The process of obtaining a Visa to travel from China to America is extremely complex. There are so many hurdles to overcome and requirements that so many could never comply to. But Devon was determined to be with me. His parents, not knowing of our true relationship, supported Devon's request to come to America to further his education, as did the rest of his family. The first interview for a Visa did not go well and when Devon called me later that evening he was crying. Being thousands of miles apart from the one you love is difficult to comfort them, especially when i wasn't sure how this all could become reality. Weeks later, Devon went for another interview and the phone call later that night was even more heartbreaking. i couldn't seem them, but i could truly feel his tears. Devon was beginning to question if he could go for another interview and be rejected again, but we talked about our future and our shared dreams and he promised me he wouldn't give up.
On December 22, 2006, Devon went in for a third interview to get a student Visa. While i was at work, i kept thinking of what i could say to him in case he was rejected again. What possibly could i say to encourage him. My cell fone rang during the day, which meant night time in China. i took a deep breath and answered it. Devon was crying, but differently. "Rici", he said "I'm sorry to tell you but I'll be in Portland on December 28. I got my Visa!"
Around 7:00am on December 28, 2006, Devon walked off the international flight and in my arms. More beautiful than any of the pictures he had sent me. i took Devon back to the house, where he met SADDI for the visit time. He was nervous, worried that SADDI wouldn't accept him. But as soon as he walked through the door, SADDI welcomed him lovingly, knowing her family was finally home. (The attached picture is the first picture of our family together)
Devon thrived upon coming to America. His self taught artistic skills were inspired to unlimited levels. He found galleries wanting to display his art and quickly began selling his watercolors. He had never experienced such praise and acknowledgements before, it was overwhelming for him and pushed him to look even deeper into his unique creative gifts. Devon returned to his other passion, fashion design. Again, word spread quickly and after one fashion that we, together, produced, models and photographers were begging to work with him. He was invited to take part in several local and national fashion show as well as being asked by the producers of Project Runway to submit an application for the show. Through his life he has felt restricted by others and all he wants to do is follow his own inspirations.
i had lost my entire family, on my birthday, in 1998, when i had come out. For eight years, it was basically just SADDI and i surviving through life. Finally we had a family. But like every family, there are struggles. Devon has taken care of me through two life threatening infections. Changes my bandages and cleaning my wounds, something i would never have been able to do on my own. When i had most of my left foot amputated, Devon, who weighs about 110 pounds (wet), while i was about 275 pounds, had to push me around town in a wheelchair. Somehow, he found the strength to be able to hold me up and help me when i was unable to stand on my own. And we've had to hold each other up since the devastating passing of our precious SADDI in 2009. Without him, i know i could have never survived after SADDI died in my arms.
In October 2011, our landlord gave us a 30 day eviction notice after he sold the property. Devon has reached the low ceiling that Portland has for achieving success in fashion and i had lived in Portland all my life. We decided that a change was very much needed, so instead of searching for something in Portland, i quit my job and we packed our belongings and moved to Seattle. When Devon arrived in Portland, in 2006, he enjoyed the quiet comfortable feeling, but soon it became very boring for him after coming from the excitement of Hong Kong. During a Pride weekend visit to Seattle in 2007, he fell in love with the city. For us, it is basically starting all over again. We don't know anyone in Seattle. Devon has had to make new connections in the fashion world, but because of his talents, it is becoming easy for him. For me, i had lived under one piece of the sky all of my life in Portland. After SADDI died, i had lost a lot of my inspirations, especially for my love of photography. Moving to Seattle, it is so emotional for me, a feeling that i am where i am meant to be. Celebrating the beauty, diversity, the scents of delicious food on every corner and finding my passion for photography once again.
Within a few months of moving to Seattle, we now have the opportunity to celebrate our love and devotion. Never did i believe this day would be possible. i know where ever SADDI is, she is barking with great joy. The reality of being able to marry the man that i love so much has also inspired me to lose weight. i am on a very serious diet so i will look amazing in our wedding photo's, though i know Devon will look even more amazing. Soon the day will come where i can look into the eyes of the man you shares my heart, in the company of dear cherished friends, and say "i do". Though i already have, even before we met and i forever i will, but now our love and commitment will acknowledged and celebrated with a legal marriage. Because of our love and devotion for one another, Devon and i have been an inspiration for many who desire to fulfill their own life and heart. i look forward to continuing to inspire others to believe in the beauty of love when i kiss Devon after saying the words "i do".
At the time i took this picture, SADDI wasn't talking to me. You see, it was an incredibly hot day, so we went to the beach where it was still extremely hot. Even though she hated to get wet, i carried SADDI out to the water to cool her off. With that thick black coat of fur and the hot sizzling summer sun, it was so uncomfortable for her. But she fought me, as she always did when i tried to give her a bath. Several attempts later, she gave in and sat in the water while i calmly talked to her, assuring her that it would feel good. Using my hands, i poured the ocean water onto her and she was fine with it until i dared to pour some water over her face. She darted for the beach. While i stayed in the refreshing water, SADDI sat on the beach glaring at me. When i walked back to the beach, she turned her head and wouldn't even acknowledge me. It wasn't until we got back into the car and stopped at McDonald's would she talk with me again.
... Thank You SADDI ...
my love for her is stronger than ever
and SADDI still visits me
mostly now within my dreams
but at times i feel her presence
i feel SADDI looking at me
when i look down, though i cannot see her, i know she is there
if i think about it, i can actually feel SADDI's fur between my fingers
i have never felt such a powerful beautiful bond before
and even after all this time that she has been gone
i celebrate even these special moments
and i look forward to the day when i am reunited with SADDI
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