EXTRA!!! EXTRA!!! READ ALL ABOUT IT

... Life, or something like it ...



Daily, i live with the guilt of being unable to take care of my beautiful SADDI when she needed it the most. Though i tried to do what i could, i was limited, and those limits caused her death. Never will i forgive myself. i miss my SADDI so much. Being unable to take better of her, i know i deserve this guilt and depression that lingers within my life and heart.

And though i still have limits, i still have Devon to care for. i do what i can to ensure he has what he needs and even little extra's so he knows how very much i love and need him. But i also have to protect Devon from the often cruel world we live in.

As you all know, Devon is an accomplished internationally known professional artist. His artwork has been seen in coffeehouses, galleries, websites and we are always receiving interest from all around the world about his art. Currently he is working on designing clothing for his own fashion line. Devon is very busy and i respect that our time to spend together is limited because he is fulfilling his dreams. But for someone to believe, and say so in a rather heartless manner, that something Devon worked so hard on, with so much time and attention to details, isn't good enough for their tiny local project has been quite hurtful for Devon. Devon wont tell people how he is feeling, but it comes out to me at times with hurtful words that he doesn't mean. As i have told Devon, people should be honored that he takes the time out to do these little projects when he has so many more important things he wants to give his time and attention to.

i don't care anymore how people continue to hurt me with their thoughtless comments about how i should be living my life without SADDI. i have come to realize that they never knew a love so beautiful and so true that fulfills their life and heart, so they have no clue as to what i am feeling and going through. But no one says or does anything negative towards SADDI or Devon. NO ONE!!! i cannot change what happen to SADDI, though i would give up everything if i could. All i can do is honor her life and our love in every positive way possible. And as for Devon, i wont allow anyone to disrespect him, especially when he so unselfishly goes out of his way to help others.

B U D D H A


''An insincere and evil friend is
more to be feared than a wild beast;
a wild beast may wound your body,
but an evil friend will wound your mind."

Buddha

'the TRUTH prevails'


'i am curious to know, but scared to ask and the only thing that keeps me going is possibly my own foolish belief of what is and what will be. it could bring me peace or further deepen me into the depths of hell i am already living in.' ... ... ... ric berrong from his book 'the TRUTH prevails'

... because of people like you ...

i have no desire to live in this world anymore without SADDI
and it is because of people like you
and you know who you are
you only add to the cruel loneliness inside of my heart now
you say you are a friend, but if you read your words
TRULY read them
you would see the hurt you only add to my life
i know i owe you
but that DOES NOT mean i have to put up with how you belittle me
how you have no compassion for what i am going through
i regret i allowed you into my life
i regret allowing you to know anything about me
i regret this debt owed to you
it DOES NOT allow you to stab my already broken heart with your words
it DOES NOT
this world is not worth living in if it means having to be hurt by you
over
and over
and over again
i'd much rather be with SADDI than anywhere near people like you
and there are so many like you on this earth who show fake friendship
but true hurt

... May 10, 1996 ...


i have no idea what time i awoke, what i ate for breakfast or even what clothes i was wearing, all i do know is that May 10, 1996 is the day that changed my life and heart forever.


It had been 13 years earlier that my sweet Scruffy had died and 8 years since Frauline died in my arms. i had been giving thought to the idea of bringing another doggie into my life, but that really was all it was, just a thought. i had gone to shelters and seen hundreds of adorable puppies, but there was no connection. In my thinking about this important decision, i had already decided upon a name ... SAISAR. It means 'to seize' in French. And yet, with all the thinking about this, i wasn't sure i was truly ready for this important commitment.


A few days before, Shirley, a family friend, lost her precious Kolie Jo, and while at the vet paying the final bill, she noticed a sign posted about puppies being given away. Knowing i was thinking about this, Shirley invited me to go with her. i just wasn't sure, but she urged me just to go and check it out. i agreed, but didn't expect anything.


It was a warm spring day when we arrived at the house giving away the puppies. As soon as we got out of the car, me with my negative attitude, the mama doggie began barking loudly at us from the fenced yard. We chatted briefly with the humans while the mama doggie continued to bark. The humans went into the house to find the puppies and even before they could open the door, two puppies rushed out and started chasing one another in the very dry dirt yard. Crashing into one another, rolling around all over each other and completely ignoring the people around them. A slight dust cloud formed from their silly playing. But i noticed as the screen door was just about to close, a small black ball of fur walked out and made its way slowly off the porch. The other puppies endless energy kept them playing, while this bear cub looking puppy crossed the yard, in-between the crazy brother and sisters play. The mama doggie still barking from the other side of the fence. The long walk from the porch across the large dirt covered yard, dodging the brother and sister puppies insanity, this tiny black ball of fur had made its way over to me and sat upon my right foot. Putting her head on my leg and looking up at me. Shirley encouraged me to pick up the puppy to see what it felt like as she attempted to catch one of the other puppies. I paused, but seeing those soft brown eyes looking up at me, i figured i could at least pick up the little puppy.


Reaching down, the soft puppy belly in my hands, i lifted up this tiny little girl and placed her against my chest. As i did, she instantly snuggled her head into my neck and i realized at that moment that she had picked me. The choice was not mine to make, it was made for me.


Shirley kept trying to chase down one of the other puppies while 'SAISAR' snuggled against my neck, her paw rested on my chest. Once Shirley was able to capture the other female puppy, we thanked the humans for giving these puppies away. We offered to pay them something but they refused. They wanted the puppies to have a good home and were about to take them to the shelter. As we got back into the car, the mama doggies bark grew more into a cry. i wish i could have assured her that her babies were going to a good home. i wish i could say thank you, but at the time i truly didn't know the positive impact this day would have upon the rest of my life.


On the ride back home, Shirley's puppy couldn't stay still and was climbing all over her. 'SAISAR' laid peacefully against me, with her head on my leg. But her first car ride was a little much and she got sick. After being dropped off at the house, i took 'SAISAR' to her new backyard, a large open space that belonged only to her. As she explored, i realized that 'SAISAR' was a difficult name to call out, it sounded way too gay for even me to be saying, so i gave her the middle name of 'SADDI'. Saisar SADDI Berrong was home.


SADDI became very playful and i started chasing her around the yard. When i caught her, i would tickle her sides and she loved it, a big smile on her adorable face looked as if she was laughing. When i got down on the ground with her, she would come at me and snuggle her face against mine with lots of sweet puppy breath kisses. i found a couple of tennis balls for SADDI to play with, but she seemed more interested in an empty two liter plastic bottle. She wasn't able to pick it up until i crashed it down and then she would carry it around the yard as i chased her. My neighbor, who was mowing her lawn, stopped to look over the fence. She was concerned i had gone crazy as she could only see me running around the yard. Once she saw SADDI, it all made sense to her.


The other neighbors dog, Jack, was barking at the fence so SADDI went over to say hi. Jack lifted his leg to pee in SADDI's face. After some play and what the other doggie had just done, i had to give SADDI her first bath. She smelled so bad. So i carried her into the house, of course her head rested against my neck, and placed her into the kitchen sink. But once the water was on, she wanted NOTHING to do with this situation. SADDI's mama was a chow and her daddy was lab, SADDI got her mama's side of not liking water. But this needed to be done, so SADDI's stood up in the sink and placed her paws on my chest with her very sharp nails digging into my chest. Looking at me the entire time i washed her, SADDI cried. Finally finished, i tried to dry her off with a white towel, but she ran away from me. i never understood this, but SADDI had a fear of white towels for a long time. And she always became more aggressive towards white dogs than others.


i decided to take my own shower, after stepping into it, SADDI cried loudly at the closed door. Dripping wet, i stepped out and opened the door so she could see me. But even through the glass door she could see me, she still cried. So while i cleaned myself, i had to keep the shower door open and talking with her the entire time. She sat outside, tail wagging, looking up at me. That night, as i got into bed, SADDI sat at the foot of the bed crying. i asked her to get on the bed and she quickly jumped up and cuddled closely against me. Something that never changed in our years together. SADDI had her own pillow and when needed would be covered with a blanket.


Happy anniversary my dear SADDI. On May 10, 1996 you changed me for the better forever. And though i spend this day without you now, and all the other days to come, i do know how very blessed i am for being picked by you. Words cannot fully express how very much i love you SADDI, but i will do my best to ensure everyone who had the honor of knowing you and those who should have known you understand what a very special girl you are. i miss you so terribly much, a pain that fills my heart, but i know one day soon we will be together again.


your rici


Why Marriage Matters to Ric