SAISAR unlimited foundation: July 2015

i'm in the hospital spending the final hours with my right leg. After over three years of dealing with issues because of my foot and the diabetes, i've decided to have my leg amputated below the knee.

The surgeon made me feel comfortable about my decision, but i am still nervous about the future.

i look forward to walking again without being dragged down by the cast or the smell that always came from leakage in my foot. i'm not going to miss trying to walk softly, though it never worked, so i wouldn't wake up Devon.

i'm really nervous, just because of the unknown. But i truly feel i will soon be able to get back to semi normal and Devon and i can live again. i MUST stay serious about my diet and keeping my blood sugar levels normal.

Good bye right leg. We shared many miles together.

Positives

My Reality

Well, since my 50th birthday, over three years ago, where i had a toe amputated (due to diabetes), i have been battling infections and pneumonia which has sent me to the hospital 23 times in these 3 years. On Thursday, July 23, i entered the hospital again with an infection in my foot. Not sure why, as i have basically been a couch potato for 5 weeks and my blood sugar numbers have been okay. On Friday, i had yet another surgery on my foot, to drain the infection. This time my doctor basically cut my foot in half to open up the area infected.

Though there have been no signs of the infection in my system, no fever or outrageously high blood sugar numbers. This will mean many more months of recovery.

Emotionally i am completely drained (my depression can't get any lower) and all this crap has affected what Devon and i have been able to do together.

My red and white blood cells have been so affected that i had to have two pints of blood put in me, as well as some heavy duty antibiotics.

i have been in this hospital so many times, the nurses and doctors remember me ... i'm surprised they haven't named a room after me. Most of these stays in the hospital have lasted over a week each, so i am so deeply in debt that i will be paying off my bills many years after i am dead.

After talking to my doctor, who i have been dealing with my foot since the beginning and i totally trust, he said the bone in my foot is dead and he will need to amputate even more of my foot, leaving me just the heel to walk on. Which can still get infected and possibly cost me my life. Or we could amputate the leg, just below the knee ... which i have been fighting against because i didn't want to feel like i am giving up.

After a lot of tears and thought, i've decided to go ahead and have my leg amputated just below the knee and in time wear a orthopedic leg. In doing this, i feel there is a little at the end of the tunnel, where with the continuing issues with my foot, i don't really see any hope anymore.

Maybe now Devon and i can begin to live the life that has escaped us for so long.

Don't Worry Be Happy

Wednesday, July 22, 2015 (Devon's Interview)

Wednesday morning at 8:55am, Devon was scheduled for his hearing in hopes of getting his green card. i worried for the days leading up to this, that i would get sick and would be unable to go. But it all worked out, except we didn't get in for the interview until after 10:00am. The time waiting we talked with our lawyer and tried not to be nervous.

When we went into the small room with the interviewer, clearly a man who takes his job seriously, we really had no idea what he would ask. But it all was just silly questions coming from the government form, mostly all for Devon. i barely said anything in the 20 minute interview.

When the interviewer said he believes our marriage is real and Devon would receive his green card, i almost began to cry. Despite being in the USA illegally for about 6 years, he can now go back home to see his 90 year old grandmother who raised him.

We went home, me being unable to take him out to celebrate because i needed to be off my foot. We had planned to go out on Friday, but i ended up in the hospital on Thursday. i hope i will be out of the hospital and well enough to take him out and give him more than just a hug.

i hope i am well enough and we have some money where i can take him to Canada to show him how proud i am and how much i love him.

H O S P I T A L

On Thursday, July 23, i went into my foot doctor and had my cast removed, my foot looked worse but i felt fine ... no fever. So he sent me to the hospital, where i will likely be for several days trying to fight the infection ... trying to save my leg.

i had surgery on Friday to drain the infection. Before going in, i was having chest pains that i never told anyone about. Maybe i just didn't care anymore. i talked with SADDI in case i was about to be reunited with her.

Normally i come out of surgery feeling fine, not this time. i had chills and a fever. i was wrapped under several layers of blankets trying to get warm while sweating so much my bed was wet. After about an hour i was feeling better, with a big pile of blankets on the chair across from me.

During the night, the machine that pumps my meds into me kept beeping, so i was lucky to get a half hours sleep and during the day people are always coming into my room with updates, so i still haven't slept. My bed is so uncomfortable too.

My doctor came in, but didn't change the dressing. He did tell me, to drain the heavily infected foot, i cut the top open about 4 inches. If i get to keep my foot, this will take it even longer to heal.

All day Saturday i have been pumped with meds to fight the infection, but my red blood cells are really low so i had to get an infusion of blood. They take so much blood out of me and then they are pumping blood inside of me.

i'm so tired, but i can't sleep with the nurse coming in every hour to get my vital signs.

seize EVERY moment

Live Life

R E A L I T Y

T H R I V E

S A D D I

Oh how i miss you little girl

During stressful times you could always calm me

Just feeling you cuddled closely to me

Watching you sleep

Taking a walk with you

Seeing you go silly crazy over a pine cone

Today, i just have my memories

It helps

But it will never be the same

i love you so much SADDI

And i miss us

? ? ?

Did i dodge a bullet?

i don't have a fever.

My blood sugar is down from the 300's (too high)

to 145 this morning.

i'll likely still have to go into the hospital on Wednesday,

but i'm feeling hopeful this morning

... the first time in several weeks.

(Two Hours Later)
i checked my blood sugar again
All i had this morning was my pill and some ice tea with sweetener
My blood sugar was over 300 again
i don't understand

i coughed really hard
(part of the fun with the heart failure)
i got to the sink just in time to throw up

i know i deserve all this because i couldn't do anything for SADDI

July 2, 2015

Long day

i had my cast changing this morning and the news wasn't good. My whole right foot was red and swollen. My doctor said he wanted me in the hospital, but we have Devon's immigration interview this week and delaying it could affect Devon's status. i made a deal with the doctor that i would check into the hospital right after Devon's interview. He wants to open my foot a bit more and hopefully just drain the infection or i'll have my leg cut off just below the knee.

Then it was a trip on the bus downtown to meet Devon for his meeting with the lawyer before his interview and right near our home, Devon caught the same bus. It gave me comfort after my doctors appointment to see him.

The meeting with the lawyer went really well, he feels confident we wont have any problems.

Devon paid for a cab ride home and i soon laid down and slept deeply for a few hours, finally getting up around 11pm to eat dinner. i'm so tired for always feeling sick and completely drained of energy.

i'm so worried about how my life will change if i have the amputation. Something so simple as getting up from the sofa. Showering. My doctor claims i'll be able to live a normal life.

seize EVERY moment

CHANGE

Appreciate

July 18, 2015

The Return

Devon came back last night around 10pm. No great wild welcome, i just wasn't feeling well and still very weak from not being able to eat anything.

He showed me his pictures and shared the stories of his not very exciting adventure.

i wish it were possible to be able to take Devon away on a vacation, just the two of us, something we never really have done together. But the reality is, it will never happen.

i was really hungry, so i ate some shoestring potatoes. i quickly became full, just eating a little bit. And less than a half an hour later i was rushing to the bathroom so i didn't have an accident. i'm so scared now to eat anything.

Leaving a Message

i know my audience is very small,

but i just hope the positive message i am trying

to share can be shared with others.

It should be our duty, all of us, to inspire others.

Too Much To Handle

Since Devon has been gone in LA and San Francisco with family he barely knows, i haven't been feeling well at all. My energy level is nil. i've slept so much. Yesterday i was scheduled to have my cast changed, but i didn't sleep well during the night and my stomach was really upset. After taking my shower, i felt so exhausted that i laid down and slept for a couple of hours. Which meant i had to take a taxi to my appointment ... with Devon gone i had some extra money that allowed me to do this. The top of my cast had a fairly large dark stain from the blood of the opening in my foot. When the cast came off, my foot was swollen and my doctor worried (again) that an infection might be getting into my bone. Though it just is talk, the talk seems to be getting more serious that i could lose part of my leg.

After the appointment, i took a cab back home because i was feeling so weak. i got into the house, which is a mess because i just haven't had the energy to do anything. i sat on the sofa, wrapped myself in a blanket, and even though it was close to 80* outside, i was shivering ... that scared me because normally is a sign of a fever from an infection. With the blanket wrapped over my head, i fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling warm ... but ... there was a stain coming through from the cast again. Just hours after having the cast changed, already it was leaking through.

My doctor keeps telling me how much better off i would be after the amputation, but i just don't believe it. Or want to believe it.

After of few days of not eating anything, because i was too weak to fix anything, i finally ate the pasta i made the pasta i made the night before but was too weak to eat. i was so tired and my neck was hurting so much, i laid down ready for a long deep sleep. But that wasn't to be.

Without warning, i was up much of the night with diarrhea. i sat on the toilet crying because i was so weak and tired. i was afraid to try and sleep, that i would wake up too late.

i just feel more strongly than ever that my time of this earth is coming to an end.

M I R A C L E S

T R U T H

Be a better person - friend then you claim to be

R E A L I T Y

For over the past three years i have been battling to save my foot from diabetes. It always seem to be something new that keeps me in a cast. Currently i seem to be leaking a lot of fluids, in-between my weekly cast changes. The smell is horrible. And as i walk around the house, i leave a moist trail.

At a changing a couple of weeks ago, the moisture was so bad the doctor worried an infection might have gotten into the bone ... which would have resulted in the amputation of my foot.

So far so good.

That same day the doctors nurse was telling me how much better off i would be if i had the foot amputated. i asked he to stop. Then she stood in front of me, inches from my face telling how people live normal lives. i begged her to stop, she moved away but kept 'preaching' at me.

In these three years i have been in the hospital 21 times, one of those times i was in for 5 weeks. i rarely go anywhere. Just sitting on the sofa battling my depression. When i do go out, i get tired so easily from my heart issues and dragging the weight of the cast.

i understand why Devon doesn't want to spend much time with me, i'm holding him back.

i haven't ate for two days because i don't want to stand on my foot too much, except to go to the bathroom. The depression weighs me down so much that i have been sleeping a lot.

It's the middle of summer and i am stuck inside. Once a day i open the front door for a few minutes just to get some fresh air.

All these hospital and doctors visits, i am so heavily in debt. Even if i lived to be 120 years old i still wouldn't have everything paid off.

My life the past few years has been so pathetic and i'm dragging Devon down with me.

Celebrate Life

Practice Unselfishness

Overwhelmed

i am overwhelmed with loneliness. It's Sunday evening, Devon has been gone since Thursday and i have only received a few shortly worded text messages found him.

i've only talked to SADDI ashes. People claiming to be friends of course are nowhere to be found.

i only wish Devon was strong enough to stand up to his family and put out relationship first.

i'm tired of crying.

Gandhi

so alone

Devon has gone to LA to accompany family that he barely knows, at the request (that's being polite) of his mom in China. Not only does he not know these people, he has never been to LA. He'll be gone for a week.

Today, Saturday, he has been gone for three days and already my depression is overwhelming. He's been gone so much lately and i have been left alone while he has fun.

i know it's my own fault since i cannot give him what he desires and deserves, but i just wish he was a little more understanding at how difficult this is for me.

i already miss my SADDI so much, but since i am home alone, without any friends in my life, i miss her even more. When i thought i was alone before, i actually wasn't, because SADDI was laying next to me.

After over three years of trying to save my leg from diabetes, being wrapped up or in a cast, i am stuck at home being a couch potato on doctors orders. That also doesn't help with my depression. i'm really struggling to keep my spirits level, but it is so hard.

Honestly, i don't know how i am going to get through this alone.

Celebrate Life

Blessed

Celebrate Life

4th of July

Devon was invited to join 'friends' at the last minute on their boat. Earlier in the day we had gone shopping to buy items for a special 4th of July dinner. At first he said he didn't want to go, then his 'friend' invited me, but because of my cast and some serious leakage from my foot, i'm really not able to go or do anything. But i tried to get him to go, even though he has been gone so much lately (even on my birthday) because i feel i am letting him down and holding him back. It hurts so much, but i'll cry alone. The experience of seeing the fireworks on a boat has always been a dream of mine ... i wont take it away from him. His family in China is making him go to Los Angeles to meet his mom's cousins and even though we are just a few days away from his interview for immigration status, he'll be gone for about a week. Devon has never been to LA, so i am not sure how he is going to be a tour guide for these people he barely knows. But his family doesn't care. It's strange, ever since we've gotten married, i feel so alone.