Too Much To Handle

Since Devon has been gone in LA and San Francisco with family he barely knows, i haven't been feeling well at all.  My energy level is nil.  i've slept so much.  Yesterday i was scheduled to have my cast changed, but i didn't sleep well during the night and my stomach was really upset.  After taking my shower, i felt so exhausted that i laid down and slept for a couple of hours.  Which meant i had to take a taxi to my appointment ... with Devon gone i had some extra money that allowed me to do this.  The top of my cast had a fairly large dark stain from the blood of the opening in my foot.  When the cast came off, my foot was swollen and my doctor worried (again) that an infection might be getting into my bone.  Though it just is talk, the talk seems to be getting more serious that i could lose part of my leg.

After the appointment, i took a cab back home because i was feeling so weak.  i got into the house, which is a mess because i just haven't had the energy to do anything.  i sat on the sofa, wrapped myself in a blanket, and even though it was close to 80* outside, i was shivering ... that scared me because normally is a sign of a fever from an infection.  With the blanket wrapped over my head, i fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling warm ... but ... there was a stain coming through from the cast again.  Just hours after having the cast changed, already it was leaking through.

My doctor keeps telling me how much better off i would be after the amputation, but i just don't believe it.  Or want to believe it.

After of few days of not eating anything, because i was too weak to fix anything, i finally ate the pasta i made the pasta i made the night before but was too weak to eat.  i was so tired and my neck was hurting so much, i laid down ready for a long deep sleep.  But that wasn't to be.

Without warning, i was up much of the night with diarrhea.  i sat on the toilet crying because i was so weak and tired.  i was afraid to try and sleep, that i would wake up too late.

i just feel more strongly than ever that my time of this earth is coming to an end.