The Leg
So i received the leg on Wednesday. i was at the office for about three hours while they made adjustments. It's uncomfortable but so nice to stand. My balance was slightly off, but thankfully i have my cane. i'm only able to wear it for short periods and then allow my leg to rest. i'm being so careful.
i've never really looked at the stump while it was healing, just something i can't handle. On Friday i lifted my leg to the mirror, i'm not sure, but i think the wound opened again. So i'll go without wearing the leg today, but tomorrow i'll wear it briefly so i can take a shower. This will be my first shower in over nine months since this whole ordeal started.
And Sunday, we have tickets to see sax player Kenny G. i bought the tickets in January, figuring i would be fully healed and walking by now. i don't care, i'm going to the concerts and Monday when i see my nurse again i'll find out more information.
i just want all this to stop and get moving forward. i honestly don't think i can handle another setback.
April 26, 2016
Just over nine months ago, i had my right leg amputated just below the knee due to an infection from the diabetes. It was not an easy choice, but the only choice. i was told that i should be walking within a month, but that didn't happen since the wound opened up again. i spent 20 days sharing a small room in an adult rehab ... where i only got about 4 hours sleep each night.
i've spent the remaining months at home, usually alone, waiting for the wound to heal. During this time, i have been given the leg two more times, but the wound opened yet again. Finally the nurse who came over to my house twice a week to change my bandages refused to okay me to get the leg again until the wound was completely healed.
i was scoot around the house in an office chair (without wheels) because i didn't feel confident using my walker, after falling a few times. My days would be spent sitting at the front door feeding the squirrels and waiting for the mail or watching crap TV all day.
During these nine months, i have had only one visitor and have not really heard from anyone. Devon has lived his life, many times not coming back for a few days. It's been very lonely and extremely difficult on my emotional state. Many times in these nine months i've thought about suicide.
The wound is now fully healed and tomorrow i start the process of learning how to walk again. i'm so nervous. i've got my hopes up so many times only to watch them be destroyed. But i want ... need ... to live again.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a new beginning.
Sunday Morning Squirrel
While i continue to wait for my leg to heal from the amputation, the highlight of my long boring days to to feed the squirrels as i sit at the front door. They become use to me now. When i opened the door this morning ... this is what i found. As soon as i started to break apart the bread we had even more company. They have a schedule to keep, so they expect me at a certain time.
S A D D I
Before she turned one, SADDI had dislocated both back knee joints (common in chows). For the longest time she refused to walk across tile floors because it was too slippery. i had to lay a rug down in the kitchen so she could make it outside. The second knee was the worse, because she opened the wound and had to wear an elizabethan collar (the cone of shame as it is known now). i hated putting in on her before i went to work. Her little head going through the opening was bad enough, but those sad puppy eyes i had in my mind all day at work. Thankfully the knee's healed properly and she never had issues with her legs. She always had a gallop in her walk.
Canyon Puppy
This is such a beautiful story of a human saving a puppy. i had the honor of meeting Riley and Zack at Seattle's New Day NW and i recently received my copy of the book ... paw-ographed by Riley.
Remembering SADDI
Of course i miss everything about SADDI ... the company, the friendship, the love ... but it's those little things i really miss too. Our daily walks, fixing her dinner (which she wouldn't eat until she was done watching me eat), when i would go to work and tossed a couple of handfuls of treats on the bed for her (she waited to eat them until i came home), sharing popcorn with her (i'd toss a handful on the floor for her, she'd eat a couple of pieces and then only ate ones i handed to her). i'm not ashamed to say after 6.5 years, i still miss my SADDI, my best friend, so much.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
For those following the saga, after nearly nine months of being homebound and waiting for the amputation wound to FULLY heal ... my nurse told me today that i get my leg early next week.
i'll have a little time of learning how to walk again ... but no more scooting around the house in a chair. No more fears of getting to the bathroom without falling. My view from only outside my front door is about to expand. After i am secure on two feet again, my first outing will be to Katsu Burger and i can promise you, nothing is going to stop me from the life i have missed and desired for so long.
This journey has been very lonely and painful (physically and emotionally), but at least now i can think of comforting myself with my dearest loyal friend ... Mother Nature.
J O U R N E Y
My own current personal journey has been
a lonely and painful (physically and emotionally) one.
Many times i have just wanted to give up,
but i have something to prove ...
to myself.
Tiffany Sarn
Working with Devon's clothing line,
DEVONATION,
i get the honor to do the behind the scene photography.
One of Devon's favorite and excellent models,
Tiffany Sarn,
never takes a bad picture
and always burns up the runway with her unique powerful walk.
S A D D I
Of course i miss everything about SADDI ... the company, the friendship, the love ... but it's those little things i really miss too. Our daily walks, fixing her dinner (which she wouldn't eat until she was done watching me eat), when i would go to work and tossed a couple of handfuls of treats on the bed for her (she waited to eat them until i came home), sharing popcorn with her (i'd toss a handful on the floor for her, she'd eat a couple of pieces and then only ate ones i handed to her). i'm not ashamed to say after 6.5 years, i still miss my SADDI, my best friend, so much.
Is It Possible?
In late July 2015, i had half of my right leg amputated due to an infection from diabetes. i had been in a cast for over three years trying to save the leg, had my toes removed, over half of my foot, but the infection just took over and there was no other choice.
i had about an hours worth of feeling sorry for myself, but my surgeon came in and said within a year i would be able to audition for 'Dancing With The Stars'. i was tried of the cast always making me tired and the smell from the leakage. Everyone was telling me i could live a normal life even after the amputation.
As i was being wheeled into the operating room, i was actually in good spirits, i noticed a hazard waste bag in a box and i jokingly asked if that was for me. The nurse apologized and said yes.
When i awoke from the surgery, the man who would be working with me and my new leg, was there. He explained that they would be putting on a temporary cast and leg, but i wasn't to put weight on it. He assured me i would be walking by the end of August. i was feeling encouraged. He also said that we would be working so closely together, we'd be best friends.
For two days after the surgery, i was having intense phantom pains. It felt like someone was stabbing the bottom of foot, which was no longer there, with a knife. i was in so much pain, i was crying. The pain medicine they gave me was from a pump injected into my system ... all i had to do push a button and there should be some relief. i pushed that button non-stop.
i left the hospital and a couple of days later, Devon left to attend a conference in Chicago. i was alone and bored at home. When i did get up, to eat or use the bathroom, i used my walker and really tired not to put weight on my right leg. A week after the surgery, i had the cast removed, the healing was looking good, but a new cast was put on to allow for more healing.
A week later, i had to go into the surgeon to have the cast removed, so he could see the healing. Despite being bored and just wanting to live again, i was feeling good. But when they took off the cast, i could see in their eyes that something was wrong. The wound had opened up, quite a bit. i was told i had to go back into the hospital and the wound needed to be closed. i stayed in the hospital for a couple of days and then moved to an adult rehab.
The 20 days i was in the adult rehab were pure hell. If i was lucky, i had about 4 hours of sleep each night. The room was small, dirty (stains on the carpet) and i shared it with a roomie who needed a breathing machine, usually turned around around 4am. The nursing staff was nice. i begged to go home all the time, or at least be transferred to a different room.
When i was finally released, i came home and basically sat on the sofa and tired to catch up on my sleep. It took a while to get comfortable moving around with my walker. i had a chair in the kitchen so i could fix coffee or something to eat. The rare times i did leave the house, it was scary. i used a chair to scoot across the floor and get onto the front porch. i slipped down to the steps and cautiously lifted myself up to my walker. The driveway is brick and if the wheels of the walker went into the moss between the bricks, the walker felt unsteady and i thought i was going to fall.
i have fallen a couple of times and it has affected my confidence with the walker. Especially if i am tired, first thing in the morning or if i haven't stood up for a while, i don't feel balanced. One night i fell, and because i am right side dominate, i put down my right leg and fell hard on my stump. Devon was upstairs, but must have had his earphones on, because he didn't come down to check on me. Luckily when the nurse came over a couple of days later, i hadn't done any damage. One time, out of boredom, i went upstairs, lifting my butt up step by step. i cleaned one of the rooms and the bathroom, but i was feeling my blood sugar getting low, so as i started to go downstairs, i had this feeling like i could walk down the steps. My right leg went forward and without a foot to step down, i fell about 5 steps. My cell fone slipped out of my sweatshirt down to the bottom of the steps. Luckily i was basically okay, i just really skinned up my left leg pretty bad.
Taking Devon shopping was stressful because he didn't want to be there (even though he eats the groceries). So as i grew more comfortable, i did the shopping on my own. Though i was limited with the battery operated cart, that has less space for groceries than a regular cart. Uber drivers were always so kind to put the bags on the porch and then i had a workout putting things away from a chair.
Nurses have been coming to the house to change the bandages and i have been given the leg three times, each time, only for a couple of days, the wound opened again. So it was like starting over again.
i've missed summer, autumn, winter, christmas and spring. i would sit at the front door watching life passing by. Devon hasn't been here very much and when he has it has been a struggle for both of us.
i am tired of watching TV, reading comments online about different topics and just being unable to do simple task as well as the freedom to leave the house.
When i do sit at the front door, i have several squirrel friends who visit me and i share treats with.
i talk to SADDI and question if i will ever see her again.
My mind plays tricks on me endlessly. Because of my limited movement, i haven't been able to exercise as i would hope or need to.
Now, April 8, 2016, there is a light at the end of the long tunnel. The nurse i have now wont allow me to have my leg again until the wound is completely healed, not even a pencil line wound. Well, the wound is healed. Another week to ensure the closure and i should have my leg. A few weeks of getting use to the leg and life should be returning to semi normal.
The amazingly beautiful early spring days have been the hardest. i just want to grab my camera and explore life.
This whole ordeal has been a lonely one. When Devon is here, he usually sits at the computer with his earphones. When he isn't here, our neighbor, Anne, very kindly brought over our mail. But she only stayed for less than a minute ... sometimes that was my only human contact for a couple of days. i really haven't heard from 'friends'. though i have sent out several inspiring postcards.
For insurance purposes, i had a doctor come over to the house the other day. It wasn't much of a physical exam, just a lot questions. But he did weigh me and it seems i have lost about 14 pounds since January, though it doesn't feel like or look like it. He told me not to worry so much about the CHF (congestive heart failure) and diabetes. That as soon as i get the leg and i stay committed to my diet and exercising, i can live a healthy long life. Emotionally i have my moments, but i am truly an optimistic person, with hope for the future. That helps me, if i can just keep those thoughts inside of myself.
So, if i can make it another week, i can look forward to a future outside of this house and moving forward to where i want to take Devon and i.
S A D D I
After SADDI picked me, we had an entire week together before i started a new job, working graveyard. The hours were hell, but worse was leaving my sweet puppy at night. Walking the three blocks to the bus, i could hear SADDI crying. It broke my heart. How long she cried, i have no idea. When i returned the next morning, we would play a little before i had to go to sleep. Despite it being bright outside, SADDI was there next to me for the next few hours. One morning as i was coming home, i noticed the blind in the front window had been destroyed. One entire side barely hanging on. i rushed into the house to ensure SADDI was alright. She was and this was my fault. SADDI liked to catch flies, her nose prints were always all over the window. i just forgot to raise the blind before i left. SADDI felt so guilty, you could see it in her face. But all i could do was laugh, thinking about her trying t get the fly through the blinds. Besides, how could i be upset at the adorable puppy.
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