In late July 2015, i had half of my right leg amputated due to an infection from diabetes. i had been in a cast for over three years trying to save the leg, had my toes removed, over half of my foot, but the infection just took over and there was no other choice.
i had about an hours worth of feeling sorry for myself, but my surgeon came in and said within a year i would be able to audition for 'Dancing With The Stars'. i was tried of the cast always making me tired and the smell from the leakage. Everyone was telling me i could live a normal life even after the amputation.
As i was being wheeled into the operating room, i was actually in good spirits, i noticed a hazard waste bag in a box and i jokingly asked if that was for me. The nurse apologized and said yes.
When i awoke from the surgery, the man who would be working with me and my new leg, was there. He explained that they would be putting on a temporary cast and leg, but i wasn't to put weight on it. He assured me i would be walking by the end of August. i was feeling encouraged. He also said that we would be working so closely together, we'd be best friends.
For two days after the surgery, i was having intense phantom pains. It felt like someone was stabbing the bottom of foot, which was no longer there, with a knife. i was in so much pain, i was crying. The pain medicine they gave me was from a pump injected into my system ... all i had to do push a button and there should be some relief. i pushed that button non-stop.
i left the hospital and a couple of days later, Devon left to attend a conference in Chicago. i was alone and bored at home. When i did get up, to eat or use the bathroom, i used my walker and really tired not to put weight on my right leg. A week after the surgery, i had the cast removed, the healing was looking good, but a new cast was put on to allow for more healing.
A week later, i had to go into the surgeon to have the cast removed, so he could see the healing. Despite being bored and just wanting to live again, i was feeling good. But when they took off the cast, i could see in their eyes that something was wrong. The wound had opened up, quite a bit. i was told i had to go back into the hospital and the wound needed to be closed. i stayed in the hospital for a couple of days and then moved to an adult rehab.
The 20 days i was in the adult rehab were pure hell. If i was lucky, i had about 4 hours of sleep each night. The room was small, dirty (stains on the carpet) and i shared it with a roomie who needed a breathing machine, usually turned around around 4am. The nursing staff was nice. i begged to go home all the time, or at least be transferred to a different room.
When i was finally released, i came home and basically sat on the sofa and tired to catch up on my sleep. It took a while to get comfortable moving around with my walker. i had a chair in the kitchen so i could fix coffee or something to eat. The rare times i did leave the house, it was scary. i used a chair to scoot across the floor and get onto the front porch. i slipped down to the steps and cautiously lifted myself up to my walker. The driveway is brick and if the wheels of the walker went into the moss between the bricks, the walker felt unsteady and i thought i was going to fall.
i have fallen a couple of times and it has affected my confidence with the walker. Especially if i am tired, first thing in the morning or if i haven't stood up for a while, i don't feel balanced. One night i fell, and because i am right side dominate, i put down my right leg and fell hard on my stump. Devon was upstairs, but must have had his earphones on, because he didn't come down to check on me. Luckily when the nurse came over a couple of days later, i hadn't done any damage. One time, out of boredom, i went upstairs, lifting my butt up step by step. i cleaned one of the rooms and the bathroom, but i was feeling my blood sugar getting low, so as i started to go downstairs, i had this feeling like i could walk down the steps. My right leg went forward and without a foot to step down, i fell about 5 steps. My cell fone slipped out of my sweatshirt down to the bottom of the steps. Luckily i was basically okay, i just really skinned up my left leg pretty bad.
Taking Devon shopping was stressful because he didn't want to be there (even though he eats the groceries). So as i grew more comfortable, i did the shopping on my own. Though i was limited with the battery operated cart, that has less space for groceries than a regular cart. Uber drivers were always so kind to put the bags on the porch and then i had a workout putting things away from a chair.
Nurses have been coming to the house to change the bandages and i have been given the leg three times, each time, only for a couple of days, the wound opened again. So it was like starting over again.
i've missed summer, autumn, winter, christmas and spring. i would sit at the front door watching life passing by. Devon hasn't been here very much and when he has it has been a struggle for both of us.
i am tired of watching TV, reading comments online about different topics and just being unable to do simple task as well as the freedom to leave the house.
When i do sit at the front door, i have several squirrel friends who visit me and i share treats with.
i talk to SADDI and question if i will ever see her again.
My mind plays tricks on me endlessly. Because of my limited movement, i haven't been able to exercise as i would hope or need to.
Now, April 8, 2016, there is a light at the end of the long tunnel. The nurse i have now wont allow me to have my leg again until the wound is completely healed, not even a pencil line wound. Well, the wound is healed. Another week to ensure the closure and i should have my leg. A few weeks of getting use to the leg and life should be returning to semi normal.
The amazingly beautiful early spring days have been the hardest. i just want to grab my camera and explore life.
This whole ordeal has been a lonely one. When Devon is here, he usually sits at the computer with his earphones. When he isn't here, our neighbor, Anne, very kindly brought over our mail. But she only stayed for less than a minute ... sometimes that was my only human contact for a couple of days. i really haven't heard from 'friends'. though i have sent out several inspiring postcards.
For insurance purposes, i had a doctor come over to the house the other day. It wasn't much of a physical exam, just a lot questions. But he did weigh me and it seems i have lost about 14 pounds since January, though it doesn't feel like or look like it. He told me not to worry so much about the CHF (congestive heart failure) and diabetes. That as soon as i get the leg and i stay committed to my diet and exercising, i can live a healthy long life. Emotionally i have my moments, but i am truly an optimistic person, with hope for the future. That helps me, if i can just keep those thoughts inside of myself.
So, if i can make it another week, i can look forward to a future outside of this house and moving forward to where i want to take Devon and i.
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